In truth, can anyone expect anything other than chaos to result when a three ring circus, as classic as this, swirls beyond the ring leader's personal control? Are you getting my drift, concerning my need to pick up my shocked -to-the-max eyeballs off the floor, pop them back into my sockets and make an appointment to have my cataracts checked ASAP, so I can begin to fathom how blind I'd been to personal patterns, which had shaped up over so many years as to have caused my high flying spirit to exhaust, thrice!
Oh!—so, guess what hits me right before I shut the door on life as it had played out before my plethora of hats crashed head-on into a year-long siege of physically painful, full-blown mental exhaustion? It's a bookmobile, a traveling library if you will, splitting at its seams, straining beyond common sense to push that circus parade up hill toward change for the better, inch by inch, for as long as my addiction to hope continues to blind me to narow patterns of thought in need of expansion, all around, because, no matter how positively focused that library proves to be to this very day, its vast storehouse of knowledge can serve no purpose other than to spin my wheels unless others choose to expand their mindsets and choose to pull their weight in hopes of redirecting this circus parade from digging its wheels into a rut so deep as to remain stuck, locking horns, in a power struggle that is sure to feel dark, bleak and fearsome to all concerned—until insight into supportive teamwork, which proves necessary to achieving lasting success, dawns on everyone involved—I mean someone had better coach that library on wheels to call for time out in time for this parade to make a u-turn—or the whole Megillah may run out of gas—not for the first time or the second or third—I mean seriously—all it takes is one glance at the clock for every player on the field to catch wind of the fact that certain players are closing in on life's fourth quarter of play!
Well anyway, after closing but not locking the door on life's out-of-control parade, I make my way, very carefully, through the reconstruction room, offering my conscious mind time to absorb strings of insight, which strengthen my hold on self awareness, before returning to the gynormous warehouse, where the baby, upon awakening, startles me, because, suddenly, all my mind's eye can see, while staring into the crib is Snow White, rubbing her eyes after a lengthy sleep. However, rather than having bitten into the witch's poison apple, Snow awakens feeling well nourished by the wisdom inherent in having shared the fruit of her labor with Eve, who instructs Snow to leave thoughts of Eden to the young, and as this makes sense to our newly re-energized damsel in distress, Snow, following Eve's lead, chooses to pass fruit from the tree of knowledge to each next generation by way of sending insights, concerning the effects of positive focus, self discovery, personal growth and change for the better, into cyberspace, every day.
As my dreamscape swirls on, I grow attentive to the baby crying, so feeling brightened by insight into wisdom gained while watching the family circus climbing uphill, beyond my control, I glance around this darkened take-stock-of-yourself room, and while working single mindedly to identify personal patterns in need of further reconstruction, my newly revived spirit lights up every dark corner (except for one ...). And now that this dreamscape has brightened, considerably, I'm about to lift the baby out of the port-a-crib when guess what meets my newly sighted eye? My nephew, Michael!
Holy cow! You'll never guess what Michael is doing!
Mike is changing the diaper on his brand new baby boy (due in March, 2015) proving dreams to be as magical as time machines, zooming back and forth at such a dizzying speed as to cause whiplash to our brains, no matter how practiced we prove to be at collecting insights in a jar until epiphany illuminates bigger pictures, which had been missed when my blindness had offered the quick stepping parade clearance to hit and run right over my self esteem... I mean, in defense of everyone, how could I fault the maddening crowd for proving to be every bit as blind as me!
So anyway, while watching Michael, who is famously fastidious, changing a diaper, which proves less than fragrant, I smile to think at how surreal real life proves to be! And as Mike's eyes meet mine, we burst into laughter, and my heart lifts with joy, which is good, because sensations of joy had proved scarce during this frightening year of Will's cancer followed by Mom's irreplaceable loss.
Having enjoyed this laugh with my nephew, who's looking green around the gills, I spin around, and you'll never guess at the shocking sight that turns my eyes into slinkies, again!
The baby, who'd been as small and vulnerable as a hummingbird, whose broken-wing had proved mine to mend and protect from further harm, has grown by leaps and bounds to the point that this child is stuffed so tightly into the crib that the spindles are cracking apart, and thank goodness, my personal strengths have been reconstructed in the nick of time to catch the baby as she tumbles right out of that crib before her noggin bounces painfully on the floor! I mean seriously, once her growth spurt takes this final leap of faith, no crib, no matter how sturdily built, can contain the size of her spirit now that the lost portion of her identity feels no fear to stand up to any bully, who draws near enough to hear her voice roar: I am woman—don't f--- with me! (Uh, that would be 'fool with me' ... Right? Right!😉
Gad zooks!
That baby is not my sister, Janet
That baby is not my sister, Lauren
That baby is not one of my sons
That baby is not my grand daughter-to-be ...
That baby, whose broken wing had need of
My love, fully baked strengths and
Nurturing traits had been ... Me
And I'll bet my boots that comes as no surprise to you ☺️
Upon reflecting over the deeply complex meaning of this not so crazy dream, I catch myself grinning from ear to ear. Why? Because feeling 'full of myself' from the top of my head to the colorful stripes of my socks, which warm my toes, suggests that I may have actually exorcized that self demeaning belief, which had bullied me into dumping undeserved guilt on my head over most of my life. I mean, hot damn, I need not meet everyone's needs to feel worthy of love!
Once the weight of the world stops preying upon my hyper vigilant mind, I go to find my dad, who, knowing his daughter well, has been wandering around the family circus, looking for me, high and low. As soon as my father's beloved smile engages with mine, we, too, burst into laughter, right after my enthusiastic voice rings out with these words:
Dad, I just experienced epiphany #2,003!!
As Dad and I have always enjoyed engaging in philosophical debate, it's clear that he's all ears, suggesting that my words have whet his appetite for yet another lively discussion, and knowing myself capable of expressing my most personal thoughts without covering my face with my hands in hopes of regaining my ability to think clearly, I dive, head first, into the deep end of my mind, and like a well nourished kitten with nine lives—guess who lands on her feet?
Your friend (and mine)
Annie Moogins aka the caterpillar, the little engine, the ant, the hummingbird and whomsoever I grow to be as the fourth quarter of play gets underway ...
PS
As this path of self discovery, leading toward self-healing from trauma, compels me to move forward, it seems prudent to remind you that a scary secret, still hiding in the dark side of my mind, remains in need of exposure. On the other hand, having worked diligently to resuscitate a host of inner strengths, I believe myself capable of mustering the courage to expunge that hot spot without drowning myself in yesteryear's traumatized terror. That's not to say that I won't encounter scary times ahead. In fact, Will woke me, gently, when I cried out during a frightening nightmare, last night. As to that which had colored last night's dream so darkly, well intuition suggests it's too soon to make heads or tails of the jumble of details that had need to tumble tensely out of my subconscious; however, once clarity is mine, you can count on me to fill you in ...
Dad, I just experienced epiphany #2,003!!
As Dad and I have always enjoyed engaging in philosophical debate, it's clear that he's all ears, suggesting that my words have whet his appetite for yet another lively discussion, and knowing myself capable of expressing my most personal thoughts without covering my face with my hands in hopes of regaining my ability to think clearly, I dive, head first, into the deep end of my mind, and like a well nourished kitten with nine lives—guess who lands on her feet?
Your friend (and mine)
Annie Moogins aka the caterpillar, the little engine, the ant, the hummingbird and whomsoever I grow to be as the fourth quarter of play gets underway ...
PS
As this path of self discovery, leading toward self-healing from trauma, compels me to move forward, it seems prudent to remind you that a scary secret, still hiding in the dark side of my mind, remains in need of exposure. On the other hand, having worked diligently to resuscitate a host of inner strengths, I believe myself capable of mustering the courage to expunge that hot spot without drowning myself in yesteryear's traumatized terror. That's not to say that I won't encounter scary times ahead. In fact, Will woke me, gently, when I cried out during a frightening nightmare, last night. As to that which had colored last night's dream so darkly, well intuition suggests it's too soon to make heads or tails of the jumble of details that had need to tumble tensely out of my subconscious; however, once clarity is mine, you can count on me to fill you in ...
And now, in hopes of publishing this post on a positive note, picture me smiling as this thought brightens my noggin:
Having worked to lighten peace of mind by sweeping dark clusters of clutter out my gynormous closet, I've opened the drapes to find the sun sparkling all over my spirit, which is welcoming me to enjoy a new sense of freedom whereby meeting my needs deems me well balanced rather than selfish, and with a hip hip hooray, I'll recite and practice that newly rebalanced train of thought upon arising to open the door to life's three ring circus, every day, come what may!
Your friend,
Annie Moogins
(Bartholomew Cuggins, balancing too many hats, no more!)
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