1175 HERE I AM

Thought not to show up, but here I am
Just wanted you to know that, yesterday
I came close to succumbing to an attack of PTSD

Felt fear beginning to usurp control over my brain
However, due to this conscious sense of recognition
I was able to voice my fear and ask for support

As emotional support was forthcoming
My think tank continued to muster the courage to
Maintain a greater degree of control over
My amygdala than had been possible
Before PTSD had been correctly diagnosed

Of the twenty, gathered for dinner, in our home
Seven knew of my need for support
And feeling supported, my smiles and
Warm hugs embraced each heart that
Walked in, regardless of whether or not
That heart had proved connected to
Positively focused thoughts

As for me:  I'd worked to maintain
This train of thought:
Be the change I wish for the world

Each time emotional static threatened to disrupt
The organization of my thoughts
I made good use of my line of control by closing my eyes and
Setting my concentration upon organizing my mind, and
In this knowledgable manner did I maintain control over
My brain as a whole during
The day and throughout the evening, most especially when
A series of overwhelming sensations caused me to believe that
Danger was closing in while engaging in conversation with
Someone, whose passive-aggressive misjudgement of
My character gave me reason to see myself as
The recipient of that person's negatively focused attitude, again

With first hand knowledge of PTSD and EMDR, which
Allows me to actively rewire the portion of my brain that
Had crossed wired when, as a child of three
I'd condemned myself responsible for the depth of
My mother's grief, I proved capable of
Containing my full blown post traumatic reaction until
The middle of the night, when
Will and I were alone in our room, and
I'd felt so safe as to awaken and release
The rush of emotional turmoil, which, having been
Tightly suppressed within my conscious mind
Throughout the day and evening, had need to
Pour out of my depths on a river of tears, and
While crying my distress, aloud, I heard my voice
Give word to distressing thoughts, which
Cleansed my mind of yet
Another layer of undeserved guilt, which had
Paralyzed my mental clarity in the past

Though last night's purging felt deeply painful
This morning's reflections suggest that
The degree of my anguish, last night, proved
Less potent than that which I'd felt in the past
Suggesting that as each layer of denial
Is disassembled, vulnerability is freed to
Strengthen during those times when
I find it necessary to retreat into
A safe haven where deeply thoughtful
Periods of reconstruction can
Take place, uninterrupted by the
Three ring circus that life proves to be

Each time an episode of PTSD
Feels less traumatic than the last
I can thankfully recognize this fact:
Each session of EMDR succeeds in
Reducing the mental torment I feel whenever
My fear-of-failure-to-please has reason to
Overwhelm my peace of mind and thus is
The pre-frontal lobe of my brain
Actually and steadily gaining control over
My amygdala's ability to
Torment my peace of mind by
Stimulating primal fear ...and so says
The little engine that could to the ant that moved ...

Today is the unveiling of my beloved mother's stone ...
Having listened to the fearsome beliefs that
Had need to gush out of my
Mouth on last night's river of tears
I continue to gain a clearer perspective as to
Why I'd needed to muster a ton of courage
In order to enjoy myself, last evening, while
Surrounded by extended family and dear friends ...
Some who know me in depth and some who
Believe to know me but prove, repeatedly
Not to know me, at all

And as I feel the need to rest my mind and
Relax my body by slipping into the hot tub before
Readying myself to depart for the cemetary
I'll bid you adieu until, tomorrow ...
Your tired-while-moving-forward-to-a-place-of
Repose-where-peace-of-mind-and
Freedom-of-spirit-await-to-welcome-your friend,
Annie