Late Fall, 1961:
So anyway, if I'd been selected amongst
'The chosen few' in eighth grade then 'why'
Did I choose a passive role for
The next four years when
Intuition continued to prod me to get off the bench and
Declare myself worthy of satisfying
My desire to participate actively?
2014
If 'why?' proves to be
A most important question to answer when
Inner conflict causes self actualization to remain illusive
Then perhaps we must also think to ask: 'Why not?
Why not make good use of my brain to conceive of
A plan that simplifies emotional complexity so that
Inner conflict does not paralyze me, thus resulting in
My taking a passive role when reality points to this fact:
Each time I'd attend a game, my powers of intuitive thought
Continued to coax my conscious mind to
Tunnel its way through negatively focused darkness in order to
Reignite the same degree of self confidence, which had
Inspired me to work toward achieving goals which had
Proved within my reach until fear of injury
Whether physical or emotional, forbade me to
Participate as wholeheartedly as had been true, early on
Though it's undeniable that certain injuries prove too severe
To repair, intuition guides my intelligence
To quest toward uncovering each fearsome detail of
My subconscious secret in hopes of
Healing the wounded portion of my mind
And now that my primary goal has shifted from
Denying my conscious mind access to that secret toward
Reclaiming lost portions of my self esteem
Intuition inspires my spirit with the readiness to
Muster the courage to direct my intelligence to engage in
Sessions of EMDR therapy until my brain, working as a whole
Makes effective use of its innate ability to repair
The portion of my memory, which is still paralyzed by PTSD
If you wonder where
Today's intuitive stream of conscious thought is leading us
So do I! So, let's just go with the flow until a string of insights
Glows so bright as to illuminate another dark spot of fear, which
Thus far, has not seen fit to reveal itself in its entirety to me
And now that I've roused my curiosity ... Let's see, if
My sense of readiness can entice
My subconscious to reveal a detail to which
My conscious awareness is still blind …
Ready? Okay. Let's muster the courage to
Dive into the deep end of my mind in hopes of
Uncovering a detail that intuition
Instructs my intelligence to retrieve as I write:
December, 1961
The sophomore in college is Susie's boyfriend
Susie wanted to attend the game, and he'd complied
The guy's name is Stuart
Stuart, who has been watching me interact with my friends
Asks Susie for an introduction, and she complies
After we meet, Stuart asks:
So, Annie, do you have a boy friend?
I'd just broken up with a guy—uh—
Change that to: A guy had just left me dangling—after
Kissing me off at my front door—
The last thing I remember him saying is that
I remind him of The Prudential Building
His sarcasm flies so far over my head that
I remember thinking—
Why do I remind him of a building???
After that, he just stops calling—
Leaves me dangling, so to speak
As it does not occur to me that each time
I'd respond to his goodnight kiss by
Tensing up and pushing him away
I'd rejected him, time and again
So, when he fails to call
I believe he has rejected me, because, well—
He's a good looking guy, and being rejected by guys is
What I've grown accustomed to …
Anyway—I answer Stuart's question with:
I'm not dating anyone, right now
Stuart asks if he can give my phone number to a friend
I smile and say, sure …
As long as my perspective remains limited—
It does not occur to me to question
Why I do not prove dateless for long …
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