It's common for negative focus to cause us to mistake whatever
We feel or believe to be true as synonymous with fact
It's common for subconsciously stimulated negative focus to
Spin deeper truth into something it's not …
It's common to
Mistake personal opinion for fact
Taking place in my physicality, Gram felt need to be eagle-eyed
It's possible that Gram's mistaken assessment of my character had been
Subconsciously based in her history concerning her distrust of men …
It's highly possible that Grandma's known distrust of men had
Influenced her fearful distrust of me in this way:
Right before I'd leave the house with a boy
Grandma would whisper these words into my ear:
Don't believe a word they say ...
They only want one thing ...
Though back then, my reaction had been:
Oh Grandma! as I'd close the front door—
Today, it's clear that Grandma's negatively focused warning had been
Based in fear of my naivitee and thus had she feared for my well being
Though I'd believed Grandma had hated sex ...
What if the opposite had been true during her youth???
When referencing Grandma's inaccurate assessment of my character
Reflection suggests one of three possibilities:
Possibility: Being a passionate young woman, Grandma had
Indulged in empassioned trysts before meeting Grandpa or ...
Possibility: Grandma's fear of being ravished by Cossacks undermined
Any belief that an impassioned man would stop when a woman said no …
Possibility:
It's possible that both possibilities had been true
Though Grandma's tongue was hurtful to the point of harshness
I'd never thought of Grandma as being a bad person
Upon reflection, Grandma, like most people
Had little understanding of complex emotion, most especially, her own
Though Gram's negatively focused perception of me injured my feelings
It had been my negative view of myself that wounded my self esteem
As it's common for a negatively focused point of view of oneself to
Trouble us, subconsciously, many grow up feeling unworthy of love
And that troubled feeling, born of undeserved guilt, creates spikes of
Subconscious anxiety each time we deem ourselves less than perfect
If you ask: Why did you continue to feel so unattractive?
My reply would be twofold, and both replies would be founded in fear:
Upon answering that question concerning my youth, I'd say:
I'd been bullied to believe myself too ugly to ever catch a guy's eye
Upon answering that same question, today
I'd offer insight into the subconscious complexity of this deeper truth:
Being attractive feels much too dangerous for
My conscious mind to consider for this reason:
I subconsciously associate attractiveness with
My feeling stalked by a sexual predator ... Today
OMG! That insight into subconscious fear has never been so clear!
Remember my panicked state of mind when Will's surgery drew near???
If you ask why my attachment to emotional safety still depends upon
My conscious mind bouncing all physical compliments away—
I'd say—
The terrified child, within, remains in a perpetual state of distress!
And that will prove true until I heal from PTSD by engaging in
Sessions of EMDR therapy, which gently disassembles defensive walls
And thus does today's string of insights tell us why my defense system
Will continue to create a trampoline of my conscious awareness until—
My determination to strip away each layer of my defensive wall has
Met with success, so I'll enjoy, rather than fearing, compliments
Whereas denial had blinded my self assessment to positive changes
Taking place within my physicality, Gram felt need to be eagle-eyed
If you ask: Annie, why did you think so many boys came calling?
I'd repeat: Denial forbade me from having so much as a conscious clue
If you ask: How could that be true? What did your mirror show you?
I'd reply:
Fear-based denial had completely disengaged my conscious mind from
Any hint of my sexuality when I was a deeply traumatized child …
Since denial created a sense of safety, my defense system continues to
Blind my conscious mind to any change altering my personal perception
If you ask how can that be? I'd reply: Our defense systems are
Programmed to function in highly complex ways
The fact that one side of the brain is programmed to deceive
The other complicates our lives and relationships more than we know
Let's consider this fact: When the mind of an individual suffering from
Anorexia looks into the mirror, denial sees ... Fat
Once the conscious mind disappears into the realm of
Subconscious denial, reality no longer exists for that individual
Each time the predator drew near, my terror grew so great that
My defense system flipped the switch on my conscious awareness to off
The fact that my conscious mind flipped from terror to robotic reaction
Tells us why every awful encounter had been subconsciously repressed
Even now—
I can't remember much more than shadowy details
If you ask: Why does EMDR therapy encourage you to
Clarify those details? I'd reply:
As each detail emerges
My conscious mind can reprocess undeserved guilt in a healthy manner
If you ask: Why does EMDR therapy demand so many sessions?
I'd reply: That's determined by one's youth and the degree of trauma
As I was three when Janet died, my mind absorbed
Misperception as easily as a thirsty sponge
As I was a child, who'd not developed a self assertive voice
When stalked by a sexual predator, my trauma compounded
In keeping with the injured child's sense of safety, each session of
EMDR must gently peel back denial's layers self protection—or …
I might feel so panicked as to choose not to return—
Panicked as in those weeks before Will's surgery …
As long as I don't panic, the adult I've grown to be
Feels capable of healing the terror-struck little girl, within, in this way:
The new found depth of my self confident voice continues to
Deactivate the little girl's belief of guilting herself of wrong doing
Each time I engage in a session of EMDR therapy
My subconscious fear of wrong doing lessens, and—
Once every vestige of undeserved guilt is cleansed from
My subconscious memory—
Negatively focused thought patterns will be
Disempowered from darkening my self image
Upon verifying my self worth in terms of being worthy of love
My restructured view of imperfection will simplify my relationships
Most especially, my relationship with me! Wow!
Who knew these insights would expose themselves to me, today?
And now, for some reason, today's revelation is directing me to
Ask you to consider this little known fact:
Though we are told that opposites attract
Deeper truth suggests we are subconsciously attracted to our equals
If you ask how I know that opposites are more alike than
We'd surmise, I'd reply:
Though, initially, we are attracted to traits, which are unlike our own
Over time, subconscious similarities emerge, creating lasting bonds
If you ask how I know that statement is factual, I'd reply:
The scientific study of brain chemistry has proven that fact as true …
As the brain proves to be the body's most powerful sex organ
More about brain chemistry's connection to sexual chemistry, later ...
As for now, let's take a quick hop back from summer, 1962 to
Winter, 1961 for this reason:
It makes sense to describe how Will and I met in 1961
Before revealing that which caused our break up in 1962 ...
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