If you ask why yesterday's post aroused anxiety
I'd reply:
Having worked, determinedly, to strip away
Many layers of defensive protection
The mere thought of exposing this secret to me
Stimulates mild eruptions of PTSD
Why mild eruptions?
Because at the same time that I've been
Working to strip away layers of denial
My sense of self trust continues to beef up
I mean, if we stop to think about it—
A person's inner strength grows obvious
When there's no need to cover vulnerability with bravado
Whatever I feel, you see …
Though my protective wall of denial had need to build
One defensive layer after another before
I'd instinctively fought off
Joseph's impassioned kiss when we were twelve—
Over recent years, my quest toward self trust has worked to
Dismantle that wall, one layer at a time
If you ask why Anxiety was not aroused while
Writing First Kiss—
I'd reply:
At that earlier time, my defensive layers had been
So well fortified as to have penned that story as if
The girl, whose self-protective reaction had proved
Instinctive, had not been me
On the other hand, yesterday's post referenced
A dream that roused anxiety, simulating
'Something' that took place
During my junior in high school, when that unidentified
'Something' caused my itch to intensify to
The point of denying my conscious mind from
Relaxing enough to fall asleep—and
Though I can't consciously pinpoint whatever that
Unidentified experience proved to be
I do know why my heightened state of anxiety
Had reason to relax after
Stuart asked for my phone number, and I met Will
Though inner conflict between anxiety and courage
Fights for mind space to this very day
I thank the powers of intuition for
Guiding me toward engaging in
Sessions of EMDR therapy, which connect
My conscious sense of awareness with a growing sense of
Self trust, which encourages my subconscious to release
That dreaded secret one detail, at a time—
Since the mere thought of this secret stimulates
Anxiety to spike, I can see why denial
Blinds many so people from confronting reality! however
As long as our defense systems skirt around deeper truth
We remain stuck in dark places
As I refuse to remain stuck in dark places
You'll not see me shoving fear under the rug
If you ask why I work to confront
Subconscious fear, head on
I'd reply:
When I love, I love sincerely, whole-heartedly, completely
When I miss a loved one, my heart aches for re-connection
Once I've offered my love, it's yours, forever—
That's just my way—
And so if emotional complexity causes separation to take place
You'll see me seek to simplify complexity until
My brain, working as an effective whole, conceives of
A plan that offers a sense of
Personal safety to everyone concerned
And having clarified an attitude as positively focused as that—
Let's see if my conscious awareness has re-absorbed the
Self confidence necessary to exhale that
Double dose of anxiety—which filtered through
My defensive wall when my dream, concerning
Cheerleading, connecting with testosterone, revealed
The subconscious fear which had blocked my desire to
Actively participate with a heartfelt sense of joy—
As long as fear invaded peace of mind, I remained
Emotionally paralyzed on the bench … year after year
Hopefully, if my connection to personal safety remains this strong
I'll feel free to write about my first date with Will, tomorrow …
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