Just a few lines of review ...
Holy smoke screens, Kemosabe!
It's no wonder that my dreamscape had confused
The charade of family life with that
Mind boggling circus parade, which had
Dizzied my sense of clarity to feel as loopy as
The roller coaster ride, known as Loop the Loop
I mean seriously—let's imagine
Each child's brain strapped into a train of cars, which
Speeds up, down and all around a track that
Literally swirls all sense of clarity completely upside down!
Clearly, hyper vigilance, with excessive attention to detail
Proves born of subconscious fear
And not until we consciously identify
Fears, born of self demeaning beliefs, which
Distort clarity of thought, will our
Excessive attention to detail—relax ...
Whew!
Now—as that snapshot of children's brains, strapped to
Speeding roller coaster rides, swirls through our minds
Can you see why any unexpected outburst of
Impassioned emotion, dizzied my brain with fear for my safety?
And thus do we come to see why, eventually
It took no more than the hint of a frown to
Rouse a sense of subconscious fear, and
In order to quell anxiety before it could spike
My defense system silenced the independent portion
Of my voice before I was three
If you ask how I came to know that fear had caused
Me to swallow my voice before Gram blamed Mom…
May I respectfully remind you of the
Thunder and lightening storms that had
Reverberated throughout our apartment for
Quite some time until
Dad won his struggle for power with Gram—
So once again, attention to detail points to
The reason why empassioned emotion caused
My subconscious memory to spike with anxiety, which
Filled my conscious mind with static, which
Caused my voice to back up into a lump of fear, which
Got stuck in my throat, and so
With attention to detailed memory
We get a clear picture as to
Why the mere hint of anger had created
A pleaser of me ...
Before my baby sister had even been born …
Want one more detail to seal the deal?
Moogins and I were hospitalized for
Scratching my skin raw before Janet's birth
As you can see ... with attention to detail
We can, now, assemble this bigger picture:
By the time the fickle finger of fate had
Forced my family to struggle with Janet's tragic loss
(Made ten times worse by
Grandma's condemnation of misplaced blame)
My defense system had already employed denial to
Save my spirit from succumbing to fear, 24/7
And thus do we see that tragedy, on its own
Does not cause the brain to develop PTSD
*PTSD results when circumstances, which
Follow in the aftermath of tragic loss, are so
Out of control as to cause anxiety to maximize to
Such an intolerable degree as to traumatize the brain
Today's stream of consciousness suggests that
Anything that had remotely resembled
The shadowy memory of
My grandma casting undeserved blame on
My mother, whom I adored, remained
A hot spot for—me
As soon as anything prodded that hot spot of memory
Associated with the unbearable nature of Mom's pain
A spike of subconscious anxiety
Caused all sense of clarity
To go AWOL until my conscious mind
Came to understand the ways in which
That specific subconscious fear had needled
My peace of mind—over my entire life!
And not until, TODAY, when my subconscious revealed
My self demeaning guilt over the fact that
I had not been capable of stopping my grandma from
Brow beating my mother, could I begin to
Ccomprehend, work through and heal my mind from
The unbearable nature of undeserved guilt, which
I'd unknowingly heaped upon myself—until—NOW!!!
Holy smoke screens!
Today's string of insights has just clarified this fact:
From now on, I need not fear anxiety flooding
My mind with subconscious static when
Anyone flings undeserved blame at me ...
Most especially when that blame
Concerns my mom's pain!
Upon looking back with clarity ...
This string of insights gave birth to
Epiphany in that ...
I'd never uttered so much as
One word to my beloved mom that
I wish I could retract!
Hopefully, now that that subconscious fear, which had
Terrified my three year old mind into harboring
The self demeaning belief of having let my mom down has
Lost its power to boggle my conscious mind
I can depend upon the independent portion of my voice to
Slice through charade and ring out with truth, at last!
And now, before publishing
Today's train of thought on a high note
I'd like to offer an important insight for you to ponder:
If you can identify a moment in your childhood
When an adult, whom you'd worshipped
Had deemed such a blow to your self esteem as to
Have caused you to harbor
A subconscious, self demeaning sense of guilt that
Has retained the power to prey upon
Your peace of mind ever since that moment in time ...
Then, you, too, can free your peace of mind!
As no one escapes childhood unscathed
Deeper truth suggests that
No matter how good you prove to be, ...
Your perfectionistic tendency will
Prohibit your peace of mind from
Acknowledging the degree of
Your worthiness until clarity of thought, which
Depends upon attention to detail, concerning your past
Exorcizes your self demeaning demon, born of
Undeserved guilt, at last!!!
I mean, seriously, my friend—Give yourself a break—
You were just a child!
BTW, if you wonder why I was not diagnosed with
PTSD until recently, I'd reply:
Symptoms of PTSD commonly include
Acting out or withdrawing from the world
As I was sweet as sugar and good as gold
My only indication proved to be
The fact that I'd itched to get out of my skin, and
We can't recover a lost sense of inner peace until
We discover why it disappeared in the first place
Wishing you a deeply reflective, self respecting
Five star day ...
Your friend, the butterfly—free of need for cocoon
Annie Moogins
PS—One additional thought for today:
Though thinking myself free of pain, long past—
I just realized that that won't be true until
Intuition deems my conscious mind
So strong as to confront the fearsome secret that still
Haunts my sense of safety, thus
Diminishing peace of mind—
Thank goodness—I, having place my faith in my brain—
Believe that that reveal shall come to pass
When readiness is mine, suggesting that I may
Have need of my cocoon when that secret proves
Ready to break through my wall of denial, and
Until that day dawns—
Patience proves a blessing … right? Right!
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