2014 4:15AM
It's dark as a black cat at midnight when, upon awakening before the crack of dawn
My eyes fly open, and feeling strangely unnerved, I glance
At the clock while my conscious mind is still emerging from this dream:
I am a cheerleader, standing alone on the
Fifty yard line of my high school football field
I'm in possession of the ball when, suddenly—
My defenseless stance faces
The entire football team, rushing toward me—
I feel paralyzed by fear for my well being …
OMG!
Though it's still so dark in my bedroom that
I can't see a thing, suddenly, clarity dawns, suggesting
My power of intuition pin pointing the inner conflict, which
Forbade me from trying out for cheer leading in high school:
While I'd consciously feared being rejected by the boys on the team
My subconscious harbored a fear of so much raw testosterone tackling—me!
Wow!
Insight into this dream shows my mind struggling to reconcile
Opposite fears, and thus does this sample of
Intuitive thought shine a spotlight upon
The paralyzing nature of inner conflict, which denied
My desire to participate actively, each fall, when
Tryouts rolled around:
While conscious of fearing rejection, I'd subconsciously
Feared exposing myself to male virility
So, here's the crux of my conflict:
Though aware of fearing male rejection
I'd no clue of how deeply I'd feared attracting male attention …
I mean, I'd wanted guys to feel attracted to me—didn't I?
And thus does clarity suggest that inner conflict creates
Complex dilemmas in this way:
As long as I'd remained unaware of two opposing forces tearing into
My personal sense of safety, I could not get off the bench and participate
Wholeheartedly—in anything relating to the dating game
And thus does insight into inner conflict identify the way that
Subconscious fear tackles the adventurous nature of the human spirit, which
Longs to fully explore and freely enjoy every aspect of love and life …
If you ask why this dream awakened me before
The crack of dawn, here is what I'd reply:
Whenever intuition coaches me to
Write a story, my subconscious feels stimulated
To reveal at least one more detail that
Mother Nature had thought to secret away from
My conscious sense of awareness until
Such time as I've developed the readiness to
Muster the courage to confront a memory, which has remained
In an unprocessed state since I was young—
The fact that writer's block continues to prohibit
My conscious mind from relating any high school story
Suggests that my sense of readiness has not yet developed
The courage necessary to en-courage my subconscious to reveal
Certain details, which had so terrified
My teen-aged sense of safety as to have
Remained repressed since my junior year—Huh!
Did I just write my junior year?
Why my junior year?
Because it was during my junior year that
All of my classes were shifted to afternoon, and ...
If you think to ask why that proved necessary
I'd reply:
'Something' dark and scary happened during
My junior year that caused my itch to
Grow so deeply intense as to keep
The depth of my angst wide awake, every night, until
Somewhere around 4AM, when, finally
My conscious mind would fall into
An exhausted but troubled state of sleep—
While writing that last train of thought—
A fleeting recollection of
'Baby sitting' for a specific family flew into my mind …
And suddenly, for some unidentified reason
My anxiety spiked ...
If you ask what caused my itch to grow out of
Control ... I can't recall anything other than that
Fleeting memory of babysitting for a specific family …
Yikes!
How might babysitting for that family feel associated with
That secret I can't consciously recall???
Interesting to note that, this morning
I awakened, shortly after 4AM, feeling
Strangely unnerved and itching to write—right?
Interesting to note that I still can't
Get my conscious mind to wrap around
A high school story unless a particular storyline
Leaps over any experience that took place before
My sense of safety chose to connect with Will
That last insight makes me believe that
The mere thought of being alone with any guy, before
Meeting Will, stimulates a sensation of
Unprocessed trauma, which must be
Associated with the secret that proves so
Horrific as to have paralyzed the portion of
my memory, which continues to
Feel so dominated by PTSD as to
Block my intelligence from absorbing so much as
A hint into deeper truth—except for something that's
Newly associated with baby sitting for that family … Geez …
Though writing offers me a vehicle that
Frees my brain to dive ever more deeply into
Memory than fear had allowed …
EMDR therapy continues to serve as
The key that empowers my conscious mind to
Muster the courage to turn
The ignition back on each time
My emergency brake locks that secret
Inside a mind-space which proves too
Dark and scary for my sense of clarity to explore—except for
Revealing one detail at a time—babysitting???
And now, if we return to the cheerleader in my dream whose
Conscious mind must muster the courage
To run for a first down while chased by a terrifying memory
That attempts to make me fumble the ball—
You may see why I feel in need of a cheer squad that
Does not rally the crowd to Boo each time
A rising tide of defensive fear tackles my courageous attitude, which
Over the long run, proves determined to heal the wounded portion of
My brain from relapsing into the clutches of PTSD
I guess today's post has been working to convey this train of thought:
Whenever anxiety tackles my desire to write a high school story
I hope you won't roll your eyes while my power of intuition is busy
Coaching my conscious mind to gain a sense of readiness to
Achieve sufficient yardage so as to run that ball straight down field where
A touchdown awaits—
You have no clue how often a spike of anxiety tried to steal the ball while
My conscious mind worked to write today's post …
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