Tuesday, September 30, 2014

1152 HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKYDIVING?

2014
I awoke this morning wondering—
Have you ever gone sky diving?
Perhaps, each of us sky dives in our own ways
Perhaps not
At any rate
I wonder if this has ever happened to you:
What if, one day, while you're out and about
Minding your business, feeling
Eager to enjoy whatever may lie directly ahead
You encounter an unexpected experience
Which causes your belief system—
Upon which your personal sense of safety depends—
To crack in half
And suddenly, everything inside your mind that
Had made you feel wholly yourself
Seems to fly apart to the point that
The only portion of your brain, which
Still, somehow, feels solidly grounded
Begins to play witness to amazing changes taking place
Within this stranger, whom you've amazingly become

The first time this happened to me
I felt like a fully assembled 500 piece puzzle that
Had suddenly, magically levitated and
As my 500 pieces floated free of
Feeling interlocked, together
Each of my strengths and vulnerabilities
Rose clearly before me, like a bouquet of
Colorful balloons, which, upon cutting
Their strings, flew so freely through space
As to make my sense of clarity
Grow ever more acutely aware of each
Part of me as being a clearly visible and
Separate entity from that which had
Created the sum of the whole person I'd believed
Myself to be until the surreal nature of
This mind blowing experience offered me
Sound reason to feel like a stranger to myself, thus
Catalyzing my need to embark upon—not
A flight of fancy but rather
A flight of self discovery, which
Seemingly has no end for this reason:
One stage of growth inspires the next, and
The next and the next until I gain insight into
This fact:
Each time intuition signals the
Imminent approach of another growth spurt
My instinct to mire myself in safety must
Muster the courage to secure my parachute in
Readiness to sky dive, again
And then, each time I take that leap of faith
In terms of going against the grain in order
To think for myself—no one is more surprised
To see me choose to fly solo
Than the world class people pleaser, whom
I'd been until my intuitive need for
Personal growth began to peck, like a new born chick
Through the protective shell, behind which my desire to
Free my spirit of the past had dwelled

If at this time, you'd think to ask:
Annie, what makes up the fabric of
This parachute that empowers you to
Dive solo and then place your faith in
Gliding on the winds of change toward
Personal safety, again?
Here's what I'd have replied in the past:
My parachute is made up of the support of my loved ones
In fact, a while back I wrote a post attesting to that belief
At that time, I'd believed that upon choosing to
Leap from my ivory tower of safety
My loved ones would surely hold fast to the net
Into which I'd surely land
However, if asked that question, today
Here's the deeper truth that speaks to me, now:
My parachute is made up of
A wide assortment of personal strengths, which
My think tank has worked to absorb
During each stage of life, thus far
And here's why my old belief has altered:
Though, the support of my loved ones feels
Necessary to my well being, deeper truth suggests
That each time I choose to leap into the great unknown
Flying solo, it's imperative
That my decision-making process has not been
Inherited, suggesting that the decisions I make
Are truly my own

Though I've never aspired to sky dive
Today's post describes what each stage of flight—
More commonly called Self Discovery—
Feels like to me—
Each time I think I know myself
My self confidence flies high
Each time I fill with self doubt
My self confidence takes a dive
So what makes me believe myself to be
A 'high self esteemer'?
Well—each time I land, with a thud
I pick myself up, brush off insecurity
Hold my head high
And rather than looking for a scapegoat to blame
For my aches and pains
I check out a vulnerability, which had, thus far
Masked itself as a half baked strength
Let me put it this way—
Here's what I imagine taking place
Inside my brain as each next stage of
Personal growth links up with whatever
Surprise life has in store for me next:

First off, picture me flying high in the sky, feeling
As insulated from fear of failure as I can get when
Suddenly the escape hatch of the plane—which
Is fueled to remain afloat with all who are
Seat belted into their seats—opens up—
And intuition won't stop whispering into my ear until
I muster the courage to strike out on my own, because
Something about remaining encased within
This steel machine stifles my spirit's need to
Be true to myself, which cannot happen as long as
I choose to remain belted in place within this
Particular plane, which is being directed by others
Whose needs extinguish that which
Fuels my personal desires
And thus do I, self directed by personal instinct
Muster the courage to unbuckle my seat belt
And strap on my parachute, whose fabric is
Woven securely with
The powers of conviction born of self trust
And each time I take that flying leap out of
The escape hatch, the pilot yells:
How dare she go off on her own, yet again!
Sooo—if this proves to be the case—repeatedly—
And if no man or woman is an island—why has
Taking a flying leap out of this escape hatch
Become my pattern ever since Will and I separated
Twenty years back?  Well—

What if each time the escape hatch within
My mind beckons, and I listen
My soul experiences
This incredible lightness of being, because
My spirit feels—OMG—so amazingly liberated
As to need to feel this sensation of
Freedom to be ME
Again and again!

What if
Though leaping from my ivory tower
Proves scary, time and again
Each succeeding success suggests that each next time
Proves less scary than the time before—for sound reason

What if
Each time I muster the courage to
Wholly embrace an adventurous experience
Thus freeing another narrow mindset of inner constraint
My spirit soars to heights of such indescribable delight
That every puzzling piece of me comes together
In a way as to rejuvenate my entire being, and
My joie de vie feels as heady as if
I'm high on a natural drug, which
Reaches straight into the depths of my soul
And then—

What if
Having chosen to take this daring plunge
Into intuitive pleasure, life's lessons
Continue to coach me as to when to pull the rip cord
On my parachute so as to allow my good sense
To float gently toward the earth, where
My expanded state of mind can reground itself without
Feeling a sudden, painful thud, suggesting that
Reality and fantasy can't mix when the powers of
Imagination dictate that's just not so
And if at this point, you ask:  So each time you take
This plunge, what's actually changed in the long run?
I'd smile and reply:
Each time another mindset expands, my comfort zone complies
Each time my ever strengthening sense of intuition
Moves me through one stage of growth
Toward the next my conscious mind becomes ever
More ready to embrace both sides of me as a whole

Upon embracing both sides of myself
My think tank connects with reality more clearly
Than ever before—and so in answer to what's changed
I'd reply:
The more aware I grow of myself the
Less judgmental of others I become, suggesting that
I'm good with the fact that
Just as I'm meant to be me, you're meant to be you
And having come to see that both of us are okay
I'm less prone to attempt to control that which
Repeatedly proves beyond my control, and
Each time I consciously relinquish control, what
Do I leave behind?  Denial
What do I regain?  Peace of mind

Next, if you ask:
Annie, does anything remain unchanged while
You move through these stages of personal growth
I'd say:  Sure.
First of all
I've never led a loved one to a place that did not prove to be
Better than wherever we'd been before
Secondly
My heart still aches for those whose fears
Lock their spirits inside steel machines
Where narrow mindsets look for
Scapegoats to blame for unhappiness
That seeps ever more deeply into
The pores of their souls as they age …

As to those who fly free once
And then choose to tether themselves to routine
Which feels comfortable to them—well—
That's no longer true of me
Though thrill seeking, dare devil
I most certainly am not—
As seen by the fact that
My Line of Control has woven itself
Throughout a significant portion
Of my parachute—
Whenever life offers me reason to dive
Ever more deeply into my mind
Each next stage of personal growth feels
So monumental to one who had been
A world class pleaser, like me, that
Once I'd experienced feeling
True to myself, through and through
My spirit grew so strong as to embrace
This need for existential freedom, forever more
And though I continue to grow toward freeing my traits
Of yesteryear's guilt ridden constraints
Day by day, here's what
Trips me up, from time to time—
Upon diving into uncharted territory
It's not unusual for another piece of my
Belief system to spring a leak
And here's why that feels mighty uncomfortable
Yet again:

Each time another piece of my 500 piece puzzle
Is in the process of reshaping itself
All of the other pieces begin to quiver
For this reason:
As soon as one piece changes—
Change begets change—
And that my friends is why
Change is the only constant in life
So here's the thing:
We can choose to get with
A new perspective of life as it proves
To be, today, or we can remain stuck in the past
Scratching our heads while asking
Alfie:  What's it all about?

Have you seen Alfie?
Not exactly the kind of guy I'd go to for advice

The kind of guy I'd go to would be one
Who has worked to acquire personal strengths
Necessary to make mindful adjustments, knowing
That life offers up one sound reason after another
To question mindsets, which had, seemingly
Been written in stone by voices who
Had authorized whom we should grow up to be
When we were too young, malleable and impressionable
To recognize how fallible the opinions of
Our elders may have been
And thus as I write and you read, we'll watch
The active nature of my mind strap on parachutes
Each time my spirit feels the need to muster the
Courage necessary to leap from
Tall buildings with a single bound—
In hopes of strengthening another vulnerability
Before placing my super heroine cape
Neatly in an easily assessable drawer
Once an unexpected change sees me
Landing on my feet more securely than
Ever before!

PS
If this needs editing, furgetit
It was more than enough to awaken and
Write, word for word, whatever felt the need
To pour forth, straight from my—soul
And having tired my think tank
The little that's left of my brain is about to
direct my body to submerge in the hot tub
Where sun, blue sky, my grapefruit tree and
Oh yes, exercise, awaits—
Then, it's off to the dentist I go, because
Reality dictates that necessity—from time to time—
Because I want to keep my teeth
And as my teeth brighten my smile
I plan to get there right on time, knowing that
Later in the afternoon
Fantasy awaits, because
It's Tuesday, and we're planning to
Spend some time with whatever takes place
Inside Woody Allen's brain space …
See ya, tomorrow!

PSS
Yesterday
Closed my eyes
Got on the scale
Opened my eyes
Lost those pounds
That eating ice cream
Daily for two months, put on
Last night, enjoyed a GNO—and
Having toasted happy birthday
To a dear friend, I sipped my
First taste of wine in four weeks—
Life feels good
When we set realistic goals
Make simple plans
Enjoy the fruit of our labor

Monday, September 29, 2014

1151 TWINKLE TWINKLE—REVISITED (18)

2014
This morning, I found this post (and one to follow) left behind in drafts.  It was originally written on January 16, 2012.  As timing is everything, it's interesting to note that during these ten days— connecting Rosh Hashanah, a time of reflection, renewal and personal growth with Yom Kippur, our day of atonement and personal commitment to change-for-the-better—it seems fitting to reflect over these deeply personal thoughts, written close to three years ago, today.
18
As you already know, therapy, which serves as a bridge, connecting my conscious mind to fears, embedded behind my many layered defensive wall, deepens my sense of self-awareness.   Until recently, I'd no clue that between the ages of three and four, I'd adopted a subconscious mindset, doubting my worthiness of feeling lovable, unless I was meeting the needs of others.  As one change leads to another, the adoption of this self demeaning attitude led me to develop the self defeating trait of subservience, which, over the long run, proved not to serve me well.
This imbalance between selflessness and self awareness, saw me growing up blind to this fact:  *Any experience that remotely resembled the latent memory of my fear of unworthiness was cause for anxiety to arise.  Sit me in the hot seat, 'suggesting' that I've not placed your needs over mine and quick as a wink, watch my think tank fill with emotional
 static as undeserved guilt burns my sense of logic to a crisp.
It's been proven that as anxiety signals the brain to pump adrenalin through the blood stream in readiness to fight/flee/freeze, the problem solving portions of our think tanks fill with static, rendering your Neo cortex and mine to react like two hard drives that crash when too many files fly open, at once.  When the brain's 'hard drive' crashes, tidal waves of emotion lock out logical-thought-processing skills at exactly those times when we're most in need of maintaining orderly control over our thoughts.  In order to clear my conscious mind of fear of failure during times of conflict, I work to maintain open pathways to logic in hopes of sheltering my loved ones from battering each other's psyches.  And thus did I create THE LINE OF CONTROL, which as you know, I chose to role model, first for my sons, and then wherever life took me.
If you ask how THE LINE OF CONTROL offers me solace during times of unresolved conflict, I'd reply:  Time and again, experience has taught me to remain attentive to this lesson:  When few understand the complexities, which undermine the good health of a specific relationship, someone must figure out the underlying dynamics, which cause a loving friendship to grow, step by step, toward engaging in a power struggle of maximized proportions.  *The only way to stop power struggling in hopes of maintaining the last threads of a relationship is to drop your end of the rope—then, rather than saying good riddance, I choose to seek guidance within a quiet haven where feeling emotionally safe from further insult to my best character traits, I can think calmly, logically and more clearly than ever before.
In order to think deep, I must work to thin out layers of my defensive wall, which thickened up, over time, to protect my heart from incurring additional bouts of injurious emotional pain.  In recent years, I've had cause to see that going back for more of 'same/old/same/old' makes no sense, at all.  In fact the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing in the same way and expecting a different result.  Been there, done that for too many years.  Quoth the raven:  Nevermore.   When negative attitudes are in need of change, someone needs to figure out patterns of thought and behavior, which exacerbate conflict on both sides.  Speaking for myself—
*Each time I'd feared not measuring up, a bout of insecurity weakened the fabric of the sum of my strengths.  In this way did unidentified insecurity place deeply valued friendships at risk until I'd remember to muster the courage to trust in my powers of intuition, yet again.  Whenever intuition suggests retreat, today, I listen attentively until such time as my sixth sense suggests that, upon deeper consideration, I have sound reason to reopen a door in my protective wall, which 
had need to close but does not lock.  Today, when another person's misperception of my thoughts, motives or actions sits me in the hot seat, I no longer feel intimidated.  As long as self trust is mine, no jackhammer is needed to penetrate my defensive wall in hopes of reaching my sense of logic. This is not to say that sitting in the hot seat is not a painful place to be.  It's just that I no longer feel so confused to find myself in the hot seat as to allow complexity to burns up my sense of logic.  And this combination of logic, self respect and compassion offers my voice a brand new sense of freedom to speak up in defense of myself.  
By this point in my life, I've experienced sound reason to empower my sixth sense to lead the rest of the widely diverse villagers who inhabit my conscious mind.  Each time intuition encourages my whole mind to remain as calm under fire as possible, I am capable of listening astutely to that which others say they believe of me.  With THE LINE OF CONTROL as my ally, I can remain attentive to detail, thus gaining insight into why distortions of my best character traits may be taking place.
Upon listening attentively before responding, I can track the misperceptions of others, and once I ascertain why a person I love feels the need to put me down, I can respond in such a way as to iron out wrinkles without laying guilt or putting a loved one down when it's my turn to voice my views.  Though that is not new to me, here is 
what is:  Having come to know both sides of my traits in depth, the hot seat no longer feels hot.
As my goal is focused upon defusing defensive reactions in favor of restoring the conversation to logic, laced with compassion, you may see why 'readiness to confront conflict' speaks of mustering a whale of patience to me.  I do not hide in plain sight, resort to sarcastic, passive aggressive comments or plan for attack.  I plan for peaceful conflict resolution, at long last.  And that describes the person I know myself to have grown to be, thus far.  We are taught that each one must do his own work—and I have.  And do.  Just that.
Each time a subconscious 'memory' of pain takes a bite out of my sense of inner peace, today, you'll watch that undertow of anxiety begin to power up.  *In the past, latent anxiety derailed my straightforward, solution-seeking track of mind.  As those stories unfold, you'll watch my sense of clarity fog up in direct proportion to anxiety severing my connection to self trust.
*In the absence of self-trust, anxiety is free to spike.  Each time this unidentified, negatively focused cycle picks up steam, you'll watch my spirit, which had seemed secure, suddenly barrel down hill.  Thankfully, that's no longer true, today.
If you ask why that downhill scenario is as true for good hearted souls, today, as when the bard had breathed life into the brilliance of his scripts—as quick as he could ink his quill—I'd reply:  There's bad news and good news.  Let's get the bad news out of the way, first:
*As both sides of human nature (fear and courage) will exist, forever, every generation will face the same-old-same-old classic, universal and timeless dilemmas.  *Each time a frightened mind escapes from pain by seeking refuge in attack or slipping into Denialand, self-trust has no chance to mature.
*If latent insecurities, carried forward from childhood remain subconsciously unprocessed and raw, then one negative train of thought leads to another until negative thought patterns create negatively focused attitudes, which fog up the logical thought processing center in our brains, thus turning life into a cyclical maze that grows ever more confusing with each step we take.  As I want to age with lightness of spirit intact, I'd best figure out how best to balance my needs with the needs of those I love.  Makes sense.  Right?
*If, over time, denial blocks Jack or Jill—or both—from acknowledging the main reason why two strong spirits continue to climb uphill only to barrel back down, repeatedly, then it's impossible to engage in discussions where deeper truths clarify fear-driven misperceptions, which create sparks of negatively focused tension, zinging back and forth through the air.  *If, over time, distrust heightens frustration on both sides then two defensive walls are raised; separate camps develop, and masks and shields hide how sadly hearts are missing each other's company, and everyone who cares loses.  *When misperceptions continue to pile up and neither wall is dismantled, both sides may lose sight of how best to put two heads together to take positive steps toward narrowing the gap, which continues to erode and widen if left on its own.
When a major, underlying issue goes undetected and thus unresolved, one long standing misunderstanding creates many more, all of which fuse together, creating patterns of behavior, in need of identifying, so that hope of resolving a conflict does not wain on both sides.   At this point it's not unusual for two intelligent minds to have soaked in so many mixed messages that Mixed-Messaged-Madness exacerbates emotional chaos until neither smart heart can figure out which end is up or ‘who’s on first’.
As to observers, who see only surface reactions, most have no clue as to the complexity that needs sorting out.  Having gleaned much of this information from the books I choose to read while engaging in therapy and from personal experience, as well—there are times when silence feels more golden to loquacious me than I can explain off the top of my head.  During deeply complex times, separation and sanity go hand in hand—for this reason:
*As frustration builds behind both walls, fuses shorten, and fireworks, which build up, over time, need to blow off steam—not a pretty sight for any to behold—most especially when name calling adds to the tension that makes it hard to breathe.  As oxygen is necessary for the think tank to work effectively, I work to maintain my Line of (emotional) Control until depth of understanding is mine.
So now, in the nick of time, here's the good news:  Each time I gain a deeper sense of insight into defense mechanisms, which build walls around latent insecurities on both sides, I come to see why self awareness, self respect and mutual respect must feel nourished if love is to deepen, flourish and burst into full bloom.  With self trust, darkened attitudes stop drilling holes into logical trains of thought.  Once logic holds hands with positively focused attitudes, cups, which had sprung leaks, refill.  Once insecurity stops shooting holes into each others' cups, we grow wise in terms of celebrating each other's steps toward personal growth, day by day.
Every relationship may be likened to the climate in the Midwest, which grows better or worse, but does not stay the same, very long.  *This post expresses my belief that a union made in heaven can transform into everyone's worst possible nightmare, one step at a time—if—self trust stumbles and tumbles down hill, early on—with no one growing wiser as to how depth in self awareness on both sides may save the day in the nick of time.  Unlike the weather, emotional climates don't improve on their own.  Emotional climates improve when hot winded insinuations cool off at least enough to figure out what each side misperceives of the other.  Believe me—that's quite a task to demand of oneself when one is flinging insults and the other is shielding a heart from absorbing further abuse.
*By way of seeking insight into myself, it's come clear that positive focus plus patience, on the part of at least one mind—which floats on hope—may stop a vicious cycle by stepping away from the emotional fray while working—free of tension—to figure out how best to turn a stalled relationship around.  As I've written, many times over:  Readiness for change is everything.  On the other hand, success is not ours until readiness to deepen self awareness takes place on both sides.  When that's not the case, we must live in peace with the fact that we have done everything humanly possible to keep the door in our own protective wall unlocked, for this reason:  Two walls exist.  And the only wall of denial that each can consciously choose to take down, layer by layer, is our own.  Why is that true?  Experience has proven, time and again, that a mind, fueled by denial, is as fierce an adversary as logic will ever come up against. 
When asked why I work faithfully to turn insecure cycles toward self trust and mutual trust laced with compassion for those with whom I find myself in conflict, my answer is simple:  The emotional, mental and physical health of my loved ones is worth every Herculean effort.  *In fact, refocusing my energy in hopes of being instrumental in catalyzing a rebirth of harmony by working to connect my growing sense of self respect with compassion for those whose misdirected anger creates a scapegoat of me, is the most crucial work I've undertaken, as of yet.
*As patience, humility, courage and insight into compassion create the combination of personal strengths that breathes life into loving relationships, dark days lie ahead for any who remain unaware of this fact:  Unresolved anxiety causes us to drop each other’s hands.  And eventually, letting loose with one insult after another penetrates the most compassionately insulated heart.  When this continues to be the case, overlong—sanity and separation can't help but hold hands.
Having worked determinedly to gain insight into defense mechanisms, which build walls of denial around subconscious insecurities, I've come to see why self respect, on both sides, strengthens the interconnectedness of two hearts and minds.  *Once we work to broaden narrow mindsets, life lightens up; clarity fills in a story's holes; misperceptions clear up; cups overflow with gratitude and generosity of spirit blows up each other's balloons!  How do I know this to be true?  Patience, my friend—once we turn off the heartbreak faucet, heartwarming stories, over flowing with tales of successful disengagement from power struggles will pour forth from my think tank.
*As instinct led me to study, teach and absorb family dynamics for several decades, I’ve come to believe that self doubt, which heightens anxiety, may be the culprit that erodes loving relationships, more often than we know.  *Since no one escapes childhood emotionally unscathed, shadows of self-doubt may be the ornery critters that darken our perceptions into misperceptions.
*To our great misfortune, misperceptions distort the innocent intentions of loved ones in the same way that a fun house mirror alters the reflected image of each person, who stands before it.  *In short, that which we see through eyes of fear may distort the truth of another's vulnerabilities and strengths.  If you ask why we see certain people as 'better' than they are, while we 'see' others in a darker light ... well the complexity inherent in that answer will simplify, story by story.  On the other hand, here's a simplified answer that I can offer up, today:
*We tend to white wash the traits of certain people while painting the traits of others in a darker hue because—love is blind.  When love blinds us to clarity, we dismiss painful realities by moving into Denialand, where personal growth gets stuck inside a ton of baggage that remains locked with no key in sight—as of yet.   BTW—as long as we mistake narrowness of thought for loyalty, no one achieves win-win.
*Those of us who come down too hard on our own vulnerabilities tend to send ourselves on undeserved guilt trips.  *Those who sweep compassion aside, thus 'putting down' the vulnerabilities of others, bury their heads in a whirl of denial.  *Once both sides open their eyes to self defeating patterns, which exist at opposite ends of the spectrum, that's when two minds will grow wise enough to narrow the gap—and not before.
It's one thing to dig in deep seeking insight.  It's another to bury one's head in denial and feel wronged, thereby making a perpetual victim of oneself.  Before readiness for change-for-the-better ripens, personal patterns must be identified and understood—on both sides.
If you wonder what this post has to do with traits acquired by two siblings, whose first five years of life had differed dramatically from each other … let's see what took place, right after my baby sister, Janet, died.  Then we'll witness emotional changes, which took place in our home, after my baby sister, Lauren was born  …
Oh—BTW:  At first, while posting, I'd highlighted certain insights to resemble light sabers, which empower our minds to ignite positive change.  As I've tired of that, I've chosen to simplify this process, by starring those insights, instead.  *Lots of stars within a post points to the fact that I'm readying my mind to re-visit a terrifying time, with less fear, for this reason:  Over time, I've worked diligently to absorb pertinent insights into my character development ever more deeply—and as repetition is not redundant when the goal is retention I remind myself of this fact:  *We cannot know another in depth until we no longer fear knowing both sides of ourselves.
As mentioned before—being a guy, Socrates would have summarized this entire post into two words:  Know Thyself.  Unfortunately, most of his peers, who didn't get the message, sentenced the sage to death—and thus has kill the messenger spoken to us from that early time straight through to this very day.  Having experienced that myself too many times to count, I think long and hard before taking the role of messenger upon myself.
When I choose to be quiet, you can believe sound reason has caused a person, as loquacious as me to retreat into an emotionally safe haven in which to think deeply and peaceable in hopes that insight into a mental breakthrough may, one day, be mine.  It takes a whale of logical thought to sift through emotional complexity in hopes of coming up with a simple plan that offers compassion, inner peace and love to every heart saddened by conflict, which remains unresolved.
When my therapist suggested that I'm addicted to hope.  I replied:  Thank God for that!  Just think of the sorry road I'd travel without it.  Today, I'd add:  Guess what fuels my sense of hope?  All of those strings of insight, which fly around inside my mind like swarms of fireflies, lighting up thoughts, which had once been dark.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

1149 IT TAKES A VILLAGE

2014
What a wonderful world this would be
If every child, born on this day, forward
Is raised within a village
Where this philosophy of life
Is as well practiced by those in authority
As it is often preached:

All is peaceful, all in beauty,
All in harmony, all in joy. 
—Navajo prayer

If a village exists within your mind and mine
Suggesting differing degrees of
Fear of this, courage for that
May I respectfully ask
Whom you have deemed
Commander and chief, over all?

Though we cannot control
The defensive reactions of others
We are empowered with the potential to
Develop control over our own
So, rather than assuming the worst of loved ones
Let's agree to adopt this simple two step plan:

Let's calm our minds and ask pertinent questions
Followed by listening attentively to answers offered
Thus lessening our chances of misunderstanding the
True intentions of our loved ones' words and actions
And by making good use of this simple plan
We'll actually offer each other the benefit of the doubt

Each time we question calmly and listen effectively  ...
Understanding and mutual respect deepen, thus
Restoring inner peace on both sides, and ...
Once this simple two step plan has had time
To travel round the globe ...
What a wonderful world this will be

Friday, September 26, 2014

1148 A TIMELY PRAYER

2014
During this holiday of new beginnings
A specific prayer spoke to me of
That which troubles most minds
In our nation, today—namely war:

We pray for all who hold positions of leadership and responsibility in our national life.  Let your blessings rest upon them and make them responsive …  so that our nation may be to the world an example of justice and compassion … Cause us to see clearly that the well-being of our nation is in the hands of all its citizens; imbue us with zeal for the cause of liberty in our own land and in all lands …

If you said:
Annie, I hate to think of our young people
Fighting on foreign shores
I'd wholeheartedly agree
Then reality would speak to me, and I'd add:
Our young are sent to fight over there
To keep those who mean us harm far from here …
Suggesting why reality is often so hard to bear

Thursday, September 25, 2014

1147 A DAY OF REFLECTION AND FEASTING

Today will be spent in reflection
At High Holy Day services
After which family and friends will be
Warmly welcomed into our home
Where loved ones, eager to gather, together
Will enjoy a sumptuous feast in celebration of
A happy, healthy New Year
And as chief cook and bottle washer
Tis time to turn my attention
To tending to last minute details before
Leaving for services, garbed in holiday finery
Wishing you a fine feast of a day!
Your friend,
Annie

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

1146 A SWEET NEW YEAR

Hmmm
Insight emerges
It's likely that my mind
Does not feel like writing
Because of this fact:
September has offered up a month of firsts
First time to experience
Mom's birthday, without her presence
First time to experience
Rosh Hashanah since her passing
Suggesting that the absence of
One loved so dearly fills my heart with
Yearning for yesteryear
Suggesting it's time
To walk onto my patio
Take a seat on my swing
And gaze up above my mountain
Until my parents' smiling faces
Fill the bright, blue sky with love
And having conjured up this vision of
Love shining down from above
My train of thought refocuses away from
Profound loss toward
My good fortune at having been raised
By Jennie and Jack ...
Two strong, loving souls
Who'd loved me as deeply as I'd loved them
And with that positively focused thought centering my mind
My heart lifts with a warm smile of gratitude
Suggesting my having been blessed with these parents
Both of whom had enjoyed long, healthy, love filled  lives
And now that my head and heart feel rebalanced
I'll slip into the hot tub to exercise before
My spirit, feeling wholly refreshed, dashes off to fetch
A freshly baked apple pie and  Häagen-Dazs...
My contribution for tonight's dinner
At our cousin's home, where
Our family plans to gather to
Celebrate The Birthday of The World
And whether or not this proves to be your holiday, too
It's with a heartfelt sense of universal connection that
I wish you and yours
A healthy and peaceful! Sweet New Year!
L'Shana Tova,
Annie

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

1145 A QUIET DAY

2014
Today proves a rarity
In that I don't feel compelled to write
That's not to say
I don't feel pensive
Because, truthfully, I do
Perhaps my mind shift is
As yet incomplete
Or wait ... perhaps two shifts are
Taking place, back to back, you know
Like one insight igniting another
At any rate, as soon as
Both sides of my mind speak as one
It's a safe bet that
My desire to write will inspire my brain to
Express two mind shifts for the price of one
As for today ...
I've been asked to coach a dear friend in need of
Brainstorming her way through a mental conflict
Then, at sunset, Will and I plan to welcome
Several friends and family for pizza, salad and
The premiere of NCIS New Orleans on CBS
Why invite friends and family to watch TV?
Two reasons:
First and foremost
David's professionally involved with the show
Secondly, enjoying special moments with
Family and friends pleasures everyone, all around
As for now
I'll exercise my body, which
Takes me where I want to go and
Rest my think tank until it's time to
Offer my dear friend loving support in her time of need
Warm hugs,
Annie

Monday, September 22, 2014

1144 BRAIN TOO BUSY TO INDULGE IN ZANY-NESS, TODAY

2014
Shopping complete
Preparations for holiday feast begins
Thoughts of ingredients, creating a succulent brisket
With all of the trimmings for my guests
Fill my kitchen counter, my fridge and
My mind, leaving no brain space free
For writing, today, sooo ...
Please talk amongst yourselves ..
Suggesting that this may be
As good a time as any to look inside
And see how many 'selves'
Stress you out, fighting for dominance or
Sharing space, peaceably, within your mind ...
You see, if you don't figure out
Which of your selves is leading the rest
Then you'll never know why
It's so hard to express
Your deepest unmet desires as
Freely, clearly and openly as
I can now express mine
Wishing you a pensively
Personally enriching, five star day,
Your friend,
Annie

Sunday, September 21, 2014

1143 FREEING PERSPECTIVE: FROM PENSIVE TO ZANY :)

2014
So, here's how you can tell when a serious mind shift, which, over time, has been imprinting ever more deeply into my brain, has expanded my perspective and thus, my comfort zone, yet again:  Embedded within each story I write, you'll witness my wing span working to expand, thus freeing my mind of yesterday's limited scope.  And each time insight into a negative attitude is mine, a release of tension re-energizes my sense of self empowerment, which feels so boundless as to cut the string on my spirit's corny sense of humor, which like a hot air balloon, floats freely to the surface of conscious awareness, creating a party-like atmosphere that tickles the funny bone inside my mind for this reason:  If, rather than a waiter, I choose to be a joy creator then common sense suggests practicing on myself … kind of like this:

Since I've offered you much more than a glimpse into the complex workings of my mind, this should come as no surprise:  My well organized think tank, which plans ahead, has conjured up a simple plan to forestall the Grim Reaper whenever the mere thought of that daunting reality haunts my sense of well being, most especially when my birthday, which seems to come twice a year, begins to draw near.

As positive focus coaches my game plan, please watch closely, and you shall see how a train of thought, which starts out on a serious note, switches tracks, as though all on its own:  First off, I'll take a spontaneous time out on the spot to set fear of The Reaper aside, thus freeing my spirit's sense of positive focus to reset the scene. Then, by paying close attention to my facial expression, you'll see a serious thought lighten up once the humorous glow of insight, which has begun to shine forth from eyes, brightens my mind with imaginative intuition as I write.

If you ask:  Annie, how in the world can you tell when a transformative example of chrysalis is processing toward change within your mind?  I'd smile while offering this insightful reply:  By this time in my life, my brain has been trained to take a spontaneous time out to check up on my attitude as soon as a negatively focused thought (We're all bound to die!) pops out of my mind.  In this way do I stop my train of thought from spiraling off track, straight toward self defeat.  Each time my mind is cleansed of fear-based negativity, my spirit lightens up, freeing my sense of creativity to brainstorm toward change for the better without hearing the Grim Reaper tolling his bell.

If today's stream of consciousness has jogged your curiosity, suggesting your hope that I'll reveal my plan of action, which just popped into my mind, concerning those times when my mind dreads The Grim Reaper, hovering too close for comfort, coveting my soul, here it comes:  Upon sensing his dour presence, I'll open my mouth and greet the guy with a smile, while an intriguing, true story rolls off my tongue.  And hopefully, my story will offer up so many unexpected twists and turns as to confound The Grim Reaper until his mind feels so thoroughly addled as to make him forget that which he's come to fetch ... namely ME!

Once this grim guy's mind has tired to the point of needing a nap, his yawns and heavy eyelids will signal my spirit to enjoy a fist pump with Nick while I tiptoe, quietly, on my way to enjoy yet another delightful, high spirited day, knowing that life is shorter than we think, because, like it or not, deeper truth suggests that none receives the memo, suggesting whom amongst us will be next to go., up or down.

BTW, in case you wonder why I believe so strongly in the power of brainstorming until plans, which simplify my life, emerge from within the depths of my mind, may I respectfully remind you of this fact:  Your friend, Annie, has spent time in intensive care, twice, and thus do I delight in awakening, each day, on this side of the grass!  On the other hand, reality suggests that, one day, my stories will no longer hold The Grim Reaper at bay, so when that day dawns, I'll pull my sense of courage out of my magic hat and standing as tall as my petite frame will allow, you'll see my spirit approach the great unknown with as grand a sense of adventure, concerning whatever awaits my soul, as I've learned to approach each next stage of life, suggesting embracing the challenge of creating change for the better with whatever lies ahead ... And ...

As I can sense this whimsical stream of consciousness winding down, please take note of my last thought for today:  If your sense of skepticism can't buy into this plan, hook, line and sinker then perhaps you'll consider the purchase of a bridge that's on sale, which may coax your spirit to hold hands with mine while our minds take a high flying, leap of faith, thus bridging the gap between fantasy and trains of thought, stoked with positively focused probability.

Though it's true that my most recent mind shift remains as yet unrevealed, please rest assured that once my fledgling understanding of this current change for the better has had time to mature, my stream of consciousness will begin to write of insight as though all on its own, because holding my tongue until I know of what I speak has become a habit, which, time and again, proves to serve me well.

Oh yes!  One more thing:  Addling any brain other than that of The Reaper does not fit my M.O.,, and here's why that's true:  Reality suggests that each time it's my turn to open my mouth, you'll hear me express heartfelt feelings and carefully considered thoughts, because building bridges is what I aim to do.
Wishing you a delightfully corny, five star day!
Your pensive, though at times, zany friend,
Annie

Saturday, September 20, 2014

1142 NIP IT IN THE BUD

When nipping mental confusion in the bud, knowing whom to go to for astute and compassionate guidance takes us halfway toward simplifying complexity, which, left unresolved, is sure to drive a well ordered mind close to crazy, over time.

Each confounding situation challenges the brightest of minds to brainstorm, together, in hopes that, over time, a host of insights will highlight a bigger picture, which inspires our limited viewpoints to expand.

With mind expansion, we're more likely to achieve a mental breakthrough, whereby a well balanced sense of solution seeking strategy secures a simple plan of action, which simplifies complexity, thus insuring a peaceful state of mind, all around.

Upon growing ever more mindful of negatively focused attitudes, which lead to self defeat, we become ever more likely to develop attitudes, generating a hopeful sense of positive energy, which propels brainstorming toward leaps of faith, resulting in conflict resolution, at last.

Once like minds generate this sense of positive energy, bolstered by hope, a heightened sense of awareness empowers both brains to overcome subconscious fear, which leads to self defeat.

As this process of self discovery results in a hopeful sense of personal growth at every stage of life, it makes sense to set our sights upon trains of thought worth emulating.

In hopes of ending the serious nature of today's stream of consciousness on a lighter note, it's with tongue in cheek that I'll leave you to ponder this last train of thought until we meet, tomorrow:  I see dead people, like Socrates, Shakespeare, Henry James, Jane Austen, Mark Twain, Helen Keller, Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Ingmar Bergman, Martin Luther King and Erma Bombeck to name a few. 
LOL, your friend,
Annie
PS
Okay.  Just one more thought for today:
If you picture the spirits of sages huddling around me, like a cheer squad, each voice encouraging my sense of clarity to feel ever more grounded while my think tank connects one insight into the human condition with the next, you'll watch my spirit takes wing in hopes of enticing you to make good use of this same host of insights whenever you or a loved one experiences personal crises, which tends to erupt as one stage of life approaches the next.  As you shall see, experience continues to offer me this lesson, time and again:  The most self empowering antidote to self doubt is the ability to keep positive focus intact no matter how mystifying and dark life seems to become.  And if you doubt the validity of that train of thought, try this one on for size:

Life is either a great adventure into the unknown or else it is nothing — Helen Keller  

Friday, September 19, 2014

1141 (55) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 78

55
2002
Swinging ...
"I've always been concerned about the plight of children throughout the world for this reason:  In order to embrace a sense of joy as a natural part of life, a child's sense of security depends upon the long term care on the part of responsible, compassionate adults.  When adult minds wander ever more deeply into confusion, children are led into mind mazes where disillusionment darkens by the day.

Currently, I believe we're all in need of transitioning consciously toward positive change, because, at all ages, both genders need free time to delight in play time as well as personal-growth-time-on 'Walden Pond'.  At every stage of life we need to feel nourished by generosity of spirit.  We need to be led by compassionate leaders, practiced in brainstorming toward resolving confounding conflicts by openly seeking positively focused guidance for themselves.  We need to feel nurtured by tender, loving hugs.  We need to feel appreciated for work well done without allowing a build up of tension from inner stress to drive us into early graves.  Adults are in need of emotional security, financial security and down time in which to relax and offer each other—the pleasures of hot moments in bed.

Before we can meet our needs, our minds need down time to reconsider which hyper-vigilant tendencies prioritize our energy and time in self defeating ways.  If I sound idealistic, you know what 'they' say:  Reach for the moon, and you'll land on a star.  Of course we don't live in a perfect world, but the point that I'm making is this:  when the middle class is working like crazy to survive, too many kids experience failure to thrive.”

“Annie—slow down.  Are you saying that you plan to write about—sex—in your stories?

"Yes, Mom.  Why are you so shocked?"

"Well, sex is private."

"I know that.  On the other hand, while leading classes in open communications, I've learned to open up about topics, which most people feel are taboo.  Once I open up, class participants do, too.  In fact, for the most part, I prefer to engage in conversation with young minds, because most of my peers react with shock at what I feel free to say.

Mom, if my story concerns every aspect of family life, how can I not write about sex?  Since all aspects of life interconnect in one way or another, my stories will show how a healthy sexual relationship feeds one vital aspect of human hunger just as oxygen or bread and water feed another.  We're so busy suggesting that sex is 'dirty' (as in dirty minded???) that we forget to consider this point of view:  A healthy sex drive stems from Mother Nature gifting us with the potential to provide each other with an exceedingly pleasurable experience while sustaining the human species' basic instinct to procreate.  Seriously, when emotion runs so deep that words fail us, what more intimate way can a man and woman express the depth of their passion than by offering each other the act of love.

Why think 'dirty' when 'enticingly spicy' is what actually feeds fantasy?  Though the sexual act, itself , is driven by lust, it's love that creates the aura of heartfelt holiness, which the soulful spirit craves."

"I don't know if that's true of men, Annie."

"It's not true of anyone whose natural tendency to satisfy a wide variety of personal needs has been societally anesthetized, early on.  Unfortunately, so many move through life with no clue as to needs, which were repressed during our youth that we soldier our way through some of life's greatest delights.

It's a well known fact that societal dictate brainwashes everyone, if not in one way then another.  Each time I hear 'dirty', my mind rebels, compelling me to ask:  Why not 'spicy?  When I hear boob, I think:  Why replace breast with such an ugly word?  If a rose is a rose is a rose, why can't a breast be called a breast?  When a guy is a jerk, why call him a dick?  I know it's all slang, but does slang need to be self demeaning?  These are all mixed messages, and mixed messages mess with our minds.

I plan to ask why discussing sex openly, honestly and respectfully in mixed company so often feels like breaking a taboo—and if you think that's not true, you're in denial as to how often the comfort zones of couples and friends skirt around that issue.  Though that's less true of young adults, today, a sense of macho bravado still rules, suggesting our egos have a long way to go before we go toe to toe with this deeper truth:  Much of today's population feels deeply conflicted about sex.  Like everything else, sexual experiences exist at many levels, suggesting that 'having' sex with one partner does not equate with ascending to experience the sublime with another. 

I believe that, for the most part, engaging in sex does not equate with the art of making love.  I believe sex is just one aspect of human development that gets stuck in a rut during the adolescent stage of life.  I mean, who proves more egocentric than a teen?

The art of making love blends experiential sensitivity with depth of thought.  How many adults resort to a quick release when enjoying a sensuous banquet awaits the adventurous heart?

One look at today's kids is all I need to confirm my belief that today's attitudes, concerning sexuality, continue to be more confounding, less satisfying in healthy, well balanced ways than we'd think.  I listen to more men and women spouting passive aggressive barbs at their sexual partners than you'd believe.  Once passion for a lover gets buried beneath layers of resentment, the suppression of sexual tension heightens levels of stress rather than providing release.

Mom, you’d be surprised at how many parents in my classes, todaycan't talk to their five year olds about sex without turning beet red.  That's why I recommend  'Where Did I Come From? ' It's such a funny book that parent and child can laugh, together, naturally, thus masking any embarrassment that we don't want our kids to catch."

"You think parents should initiate discussions about sex with five year olds?"

Well, considering that I was five when my cousin told me how I was conceived, and the fact that I didn't believe her or you when you confirmed that which she hurled at me while we fought over a toy, I'd say, Absolutely, yes!

I remember feeling shocked that you and Dad would get naked and do that ... especially with Grandma in our apartment.  Gosh!  Now that I think about it, it wasn't the sex act that shocked me senseless.  It was Grandma's attitude about nudity that aroused my feelings of shame on you."

After a pensive moment, which allows my mind the time it needs to soak in that last insight, I go on ...

"I caution parents to initiate these discussions, early on, when a child's curiosity is so natural that no question is off limits, because no topic feels embarrassing to the voracious minds of the very young.  Embarrassment is modeled and absorbed.

At five, the word breast feels no different from the word nose, elbow or tushy.  When my child's curiosity was first aroused, I wanted to be the first one he came to for information and guidance, and that comfort zone does not develop between parent and child once kids learn about sex through the grapevine from their peers."

At that point in my dissertation, a thought strikes me funny, and Mom laughs as well once this memory floats into her ear:  I'll never forget how shocked four year old David was upon realizing that I didn't have penis.  After all, he lived in a home filled with four guys and one woman, so his surprise was easy to understand.  A few hours after his discovery, he came to find me, and in a reassuring tone, my concerned young son said:  'Don't worry, Mommy.  We'll get you one for your birthday."  Art Linkletter's audience would have howled with delight.

I have such funny stories to relate, concerning the boys' misperceptions, concerning sex, from the time they were small fry straight through the years when sex ed was taught in jr. high.  Picture books, describing sex at the five year old level, are published for good reason, Mom.  My favorite has become a classic, titled WHERE DID I COME FROM.  Each illustration inspires the giggles.  No Barbies or Kens grace these pages.

When Barry and Steven were preteens, asking a plethora of questions, David, who was in kindergarten, showed a healthy interest in everything his brothers did and said.  As curiosity, concerning his brothers' questions, led to my fielding questions from son #3, I took WHERE DID I COME FROM off the shelf, and while reading it to David, he and I discussed how babies are conceived.

David found the subject so intriguing as to carry 'The Naked Book', as he called it, under his arm when it was time to get into the car to go to school the next morning.  Upon hearing that he'd decided to take it for show and tell, I couldn't help but laugh.  This initiated a conversation concerning topics discussed within the family, privately, at home.  David was baffled as to why other parents might get upset.  Instead of offering my youngest son a hug and kiss at the door of his classroom, I thought it wise to apprise his teacher of that which we'd discusse the previous night—in case David thought to clue the other kids in on this subject, which had fascinated him.

The day before Barry's Bar Mitzvah, my Aunt Helene asked five year-old David if he knew what happens when a Jewish boy turns thirteen.  David, beaming with pride in his newfound knowledge, replied:  Yes.  He grows hair all around his penis.  I kid you not.

Aunt Helen's jaw dropped, her face turned beet red and none of the older folk, relaxing in our living room, asked my precocious, young son any questions for quite some time.  Being third in line, David's ability to articulate the wealth of knowledge his mind had soaked in by listening proves that we have no clue which discussions go over a child's head while others make a beeline, embedding more deeply into memory than we'd believe... Until sometime later, when what goes in pours out.

If the minds of both genders feel conflicted about mixed messages that we’ve absorbed and unwittingly passed forward, over these past sixty years—concerning that which is proper vs. that which is not—then common sense points toward this fact:  Mixed messages are still absorbed by the kids of today—so I'm definitely planning to write about the importance of establishing two way streets, concerning sexuality and comfort zones, early on..

When an adult feels free to discuss sexuality openly and unabashedly, a child's mind connects naturally with the fact that the sexual act is enjoyed by two consenting adults.  Parents need to discuss sex way before their kids are experimenting at thirteen.  The movie, "Thirteen" proved quite the eye opener.

Having fielded questions from parents for decades, I've come to believe that instead of exploring sensuality, at our leisure, more couples than not encounter the bread and water variety of sex rather than enjoying a sumptuous banquet, which satisfies the sensuous hungers of both.  I mean, how often do you crave baloney for dinner?'

"Annie, where do you get this stuff?"

"I read a lot.  I go to the movies.  And I mustered the courage to articulate what I'd craved once Will and I lived separately.  It's always about articulating with clarity, Mom.  And I mean articulating clearly with yourself.

While penning my quest to know myself in depth, I aim to connect with many more minds than those who've enrolled in my classes and seminars over these past 40 years.  My best teaching tool has always been the fact that I can place my ego aside while expanding upon narrow view points, mixed messages and misperceptions, which had unknowingly led me straight toward self doubt, resulting in self defeat, repeatedly.  By making an example of my mistakes, I can demonstrate the benefits of self discovery, leading me and then my family to embrace self awareness, resulting in positive change, all around.

I plan to reveal those times when defensive denial blocked me from identifying subconscious fears, which narrowed my views and limited the path that I'd unwittingly chosen for myself.  For example:  The sexual revolution, as we know it, today, began during the early sixties, when Will and I were deep into our teens.  Reflection suggests that for many years he and I had no clue which mixed messages we'd lugged forward, while swimming, quietly, against the tide, upstream.

I guess you could say that our story resembles a Reader’s Digest condensation of a dream, which over time, turned into a couple's worst nightmare.  Or better yet—I’ve been writing a collection of Annie’s Notes—you know—like Cliff’s Notes, but rather than dissecting classic literature, I'm dissecting a classic analysis of love-gone-wrong.”

“Does that mean you think you have the answers, Annie.”

“Mmmm—No.  Not answers, Mom.  In fact, what's right for you may not be right for me.

Let's just say that after teaching family communications for more than thirty years, I found myself intrigued by classic issues, which arise within every generation at each stage of family life.  While facilitating classes in family education—each of which highlights the importance of problem-solving effectively by way of engaging in open minded brainstormingthe analytical side of my brain has had reason to divide a mixed message into two separate messages, thus serving to simplify emotional complexity at times when my mind needs to process through logical thought.  (More about separating mixed messages, later, or this post will go on forever.)

As you may remember, a nationally renown marriage counselor once said, ‘Annie, if you can write the same way you talk, you should share your story in a book.’  Every year, people in my classes would tell me that, as well.

Knowing myself to attack most tasks, single-mindedly, I knew better than to write our story while raising the boys.  Finding time to write articles while teaching classes was more than enough.  However, at this stage of my life, I enjoy awakening, every morning, feeling free to devote the bulk of my time and mental energy to such a heartfelt, mind bending task.  On the other hand, there is one problem in need of solving."

"What's that?"

"If I write the same way I talk, it's likely that I'll never finish all of the writing, editing, and rewriting while I’m still alive.”

So now we're laughing again, followed by spending the next few seconds swinging in silent reflection, side by side.  Then, laughter bubbles forth from my funny bone, again.  Tipping her head in my direction, curiosity covers Mom’s face, and with eyes twinkling, she asks, “What’s so funny, Annie?”

“I’m thinking of something Lauren said during a phone conversation.”

“And that would be?”

“She said, Annie, if you don’t finish writing your story, sometime soon, you may be writing the best book that no one will ever read except for you!”

Mom chuckles and agrees.  “Lauren’s right about that.  Do you have any idea when you’ll be done?”

“Nope.  But when it is finished—I’ll be the first to know.  Actually, I’m thinking about changing the title from:
STRIPPING SNOW WHITE
to
ANNIE’S IDIOPATHIC ENCYCLOPEDIC ANTHOLOGY OF LOVE

“What does idiopathic mean?”

“Idiopathic is a medical term that impressed me when I was a bride.  I’d sit on the floor in our unfurnished living room and test Will’s knowledge of medical lingo from note cards that he’d prepared during his third year of med school.  Idiopathic means ‘of unknown origin.’ ”

Then, I recite the title aloud again—
ANNIE'S IDIOPATHIC ENCYCLOPEDIC ANTHOLOGY OF LOVE

—At this, the twinkle in Mom’s eyes matches mine when she asks, “Annie, is it okay if we stop talking for a while?”

“Sure,” I answer with a sheepish grin. “Your head must feel as swollen as my tongue.  In fact my tongue is so tired, it just wants to lay down and take a nap inside my mouth.”

Self depreciating humor inspires laughter, again.

2014
Once my stream of consciousness has expressed the ways that positive focus empowers lasting love, Mom and I get off the swing.  I open the Arcadia door and follow my mother into my house.  As we walk, arm in arm, through my bright and airy kitchen, which leads into the great room, where the dining room and living room connect, this thought runs through my mind:  As airing my thoughts often clarifies my understanding of whatever’s going on deep within my mind—I’ll have to find a place in the book, early on, to suggest the importance of taking note of life events, which may cause the next stage of a child's development to detour away from center—for example:  What if a serious accident or lengthy illness in the family unsettles an entire support system for so long as to throw the child's personal sense of security off track, as in—what if a good little girl grows toward adulthood, harboring a subconscious fear of ever being seen as bad.

What if denial feels better to this little girl than confronting her fears, because the mere thought of confronting a tidal wave of frowns, which may splash back at her, thus—drowning—all sense of her well being, silences her voice.  What if, over time, fear of negative reactiveness has sound reason to grow so great that she never seeks guidance no matter how terrifying an unexpected experience proves to be.  I mean, if this child can't stand up for herself for fear of rocking anyone's boat then how much fear and anger might this congenial little girl unknowingly repress deep within subconscious pockets of her mind—over her lifetime?  And what if no amount of therapy comes close to solving her mystery until, to her good fortune, she learns about and chooses to engage in sessions of EMDR, which hands her a set of keys, which serves to unlock door after door, behind which are hidden that host of insights, which, strung together, brighten her mind so that she can identify the duality of her traits, thus answering her need for self evaluation, at last.  In retrospect, insight into my fascination with effective communications should come as no surprise.  Though I'd hoped to communicate clearly and compassionately with my children, the person with whom I'd been in need of communicating with clarity had been myself

I think it's important to add that for the most part, denial made me unaware of the far reaching depths of my fears concerning not measuring up.  On the other hand—to my good fortune—I knew, without a shadow of doubt, how deeply I was loved.

As to expressing anger, denial refused to allow me to expose that emotion for fear of rocking boats, suggesting that repressed anger, turned in, transforms into sadness, which was rarely shown, openly, because that would have meant wearing a frown, which, as you know, was not my M.O.

The only persona, which fit comfortably within my narrow comfort zone, proved to be my eager, enthusiastic enjoyment of family, friends and life.  And upon reflection, I'd still prefer to be a pauper when counting frowns vs. smiles, today.

So, does holding this set of keys suggest that I've figured myself out?
Nope.
Why not?
Life proves to be
A never ending maze, leading from
One unknown adventure directly into
The next with brief rest periods, in between

So what has my quest toward self awareness changed?
Well—today, when approaching a door in need of unlocking
I feel much less fearful, much more adventurous while
Venturing forth to greet and even embrace the unknown, which
Waits to welcome both sides of my whole into the fold, and
If it's true that the last stage of life is not for sissies then
I give thanks to my lucky star for lighting my way, thus
Guiding my spirit away from the darkness of denial, toward
A lightness of being true to myself—through and through
Much more often than not  

Even today, I never know what I'm thinking deep inside until I read what my mind needs to write on it's own (Thank you for that insightful quote, William Faulkner.)
PS
Hmmm—With awareness into the fact that most of my posts swim through stream of consciousness—that makes me wonder if I'd find THE SOUND AND THE FURY less baffling, today …