During recent weeks, when heightened levels of stress signaled instinct to suck the sum of my personal strengths inward, I wrestled with fear until my conscious mind pulled this plum of an insight out of my hat: I came to see that during those weeks of intense introspection, I'd actually endured the mirror image of the mental stress that had been erased from my memory during childhood after Mother Nature had cast a spell of denial over my conscious mind in hopes of freeing a terror-stricken, little girl from remembering an experience so confounding as to repress every terrifying detail, which had proven too complex for my undeveloped think tank to process with anything resembling clarity … However …
Now that my mind has matured to the point of casting aside all pretense of having experienced an ideal childhood, I've worked consciously, step by step, toward reclaiming the sense of freedom-to-be-me, which had been lost when my connection to sanity demanded that my defense system create a lets-pretend world, which served as my safe haven whenever fear threatened to overwhelm my sense of personal well being. And that insight makes me ask—what could be more intriguing than figuring out the inner workings of one's own brain? I mean, seriously—once we come to understand how the complex workings of the brain direct each one's life as to what to explore in depth and with whom, common sense suggests that we gain insight into balancing logic with emotion, effectively, while working toward achieving any heartfelt goal that seems beyond one's reach. And to that end, I've learned to make good use of reflection to make certain that my decisions are not based primarily in fear.
As each detail, repressed within my mental block, reveals itself to me in a piecemeal fashion (which at first glance seems totally unrelated to whatever is heightening my stress level, today), I gain clues into why a heavy weight exists behind my ever ready smile—hmmm—no wonder why we question that which Mona Lisa may have secreted away :)
If you ask: Annie, does that mean your smile was untrue, I'd sincerely reply: No one can fake sparkle … and since human nature has two sides, I choose to feel grateful for every good thing that comes my way. When we stop to think about it, isn't that what positive focus is truly about—consciously refocusing our minds to move past that which felt bad with heartfelt appreciation for that which feels too good to pass up, today? I mean, we don't need to muster positive focus when life feels like a picnic, right? It's when our picnic feels like we're sitting atop an anthill that attitudes need to refocus on sound reason to recreates that which ignites sparkle within our spirits' smiles. With positive focus intact, the sun will come out tomorrow. And if you don't get ants in your pants then with patience, your next picnic may offer even more pleasure than the last. (Guess my corny sense of humor is returning—I just couldn't resist :)
So, guess what turns sparkling smiles into fearful frowns more often than we'd think? Guilt. And here's the rub: It can be very hard to tell when feelings of guilt are undeserved (more about that, later) …
If you ask, Annie, why choose to dive ever more deeply into your mind if self discovery proves such a painful process, I'd reply: As long as details, making up the bigger picture of this mental burden, remain buried within my subconscious, I'll experience times when my spirit will dive into dark corners of my mind as though freedom to enjoy life with the utmost of zest is suddenly caged inside an air tight chamber, where stress sucks the oxygen out of my lungs.
With that thought in mind, here is sound reason why I enlist positive focus while working toward change for the better: Each time lack of oxygen ties my thoughts into tight, little knots, my defense systems sounds a silent alarm—and like a scared rabbit, every muscle in my body tenses in readiness to fly free of unidentified danger by diving into a hole, which in my case proves to be a junk drawer with a hair-trigger lock that springs open as soon as my sense of safety feels threatened—and that insight explains why I had need to invent The Line of Control, which cautions my mind to take time out to think smart on the spot as soon as instinct feels any sign of unnamed danger closing in … Whew!
On the other hand, each time the junk drawer in my mind flies open, I get to pull another painful detail out of my memory bank, which can be likened to pulling a stubborn cactus spine out of the top of my head. You see, each puzzling piece of fear that needes my mind, inhibits me from enjoying a slice of life that proves as enriching to my spirit's well being as disgesting a heart healthy salmon, caught in a fresh water stream, after spawning life anew :)
Once these insights stop popping like popcorn and my story, concerning these past several months, resumes, I believe you'll see how objective reflection offers relief from pain each time I consciously identify and shed undeserved guilt, thus creating change for the better, which ends in gain, all around, because each detail withdrawn from my memory bank acts as a clue—or better yet, a puzzle piece—that helps me to recreate the bigger picture, which, to this day, remains locked out of sight within my deeply troubling mental block.
As this troubling mystery colors itself in, one detail at a time, I identify strengths, which had been half baked. As working to strengthen vulnerabilities offers me sound reason to doubt myself less, my sense of self trust, concerning decisions made, today, grows ever more secure. And as life moves forward, I seek insight into creative solutions in hopes of resolving conflicts that defy understanding by setting fear to one side in favor of appreciating that which feels better, today, over that which felt worse, yesterday. And in this way does my spirit's desire to thrive drive my mind toward identifying and conquering fear of remembering an experience that had scared me into denying reality when I was a vulnerable child.
In short, my mind seeks insight into working consciously to ensure that my heart does not fear undeserved guilt to the point that I deny my own needs. And in this way do I free my spirit's sparkle to offer and accept love so openly and compassionately as to inhale a sense of inner peace more deeply than when my persona had been intact—suggesting that in retrospect, I am deeply thankful for the implosion of my protective shield :)
I've also come to see that emptying this junk drawer of its power to limit my mindsets requires that my spirit embrace leaps of faith toward personal growth. That was not true when I was young and—rather than setting a goal to achieve the freedom to be true to me—all I wanted most was to 'fit in' with family and friends. So each time I 'chose' to spurn my need to tune into my true self, I'd squeeze my sense of independence into the limited space allotted to my person within the air tight chamber that embraced friends and family but felt too small to hold all of my spirit intact.
As long as 'fitting in' remained my primary goal, there was only one choice that seemed safe to the undeveloped mind of this particular child: Leave heartfelt needs unmet while flying with birds of a feather, whose attitudes made it clear that I see things their way or it was the open highway for me. And here's why I did not contemplate venturing out on the path less taken after the age of five (at which time I'd packed a bag but got no further than the sidewalk outside of our front door): I'd felt deeply loved by many and feeling deeply loved conquered any thought of questing toward a path where each voice feels free to be true to one's deepest sense of self.
As loving freely and feeling loved deeply felt very good, my instinct to survive by accepting life within this airtight chamber stole away large portions of 'my' independent voice. And as I thrived much more often than those few times when unidentified fear arose, causing my high flying spirit to crash into the depths of that junk drawer, I'd silence instinct and choose personal limitation over existential freedom, time and again.
Each time my spirit crashed, self trust would arise in the form of this mantra, which regularly came to mind—I crash but for some reason, I do not burn—and you know what 'they' say: It matters not how many times you fall—what matters is how many times you stand up to try, try again—until you succeed—you know, like a scientist in a lab, experimenting until an antedote is found for much that had gone wrong when I was young.
Over the years each stage of life continued to prove kind and not … you know how that goes. And as long as my primary focus remained bent upon 'fitting in', my spirit shed portions of independence, here and there, now and again, in hopes of feeling accepted by this group or that. Though this herding instinct left gaping holes in my self esteem, which, during moments of contemplative reflection left me feeling deeply conflicted or rawly wounded, for the most part, I developed a false sense of security, and that false sense of gain numbed my spirit's pain as long as 'fitting in' was what I'd cared about most.
While riding this merry-go-round wearing blinders, I'd no clue that that which had caused my mind to spin off its axis in such a stormy fashion as to turn logic upside down was fear, geysering out of my junk drawer, grabbing control over the independent portion of my brain—yet again—just as had been true when I was a child, dependent upon the minds of adults to keep me safe …
In its deepest sense, this post describes the ways in which a thriving spirit can suddenly dive toward barely surviving when repressed self awareness has not yet thought to embrace tools that crack through walls of denial, behind which palpate strings of insight into self discovery, empowered to resuscitate caged portions of self esteem.
If asked why I'd say it takes patience, courage, tenacity and a whale of self trust in order to develop the degree of objectivity necessary to dig one's way out of a scared rabbit's hole I'd say: Giving birth to subconscious fear can feel as painful as releasing a kidney stone, and thus do so many shy away from deeper truths, peeking out from places within the mind that feel too darkly troubling and scary to reflect upon in depth without knowledgable help. In short, healing from post traumatic stress is not for sissies.
BTW if you thought I had, upon awakening this morning, any idea that this train of thought was lying in wait to chug out of my mind before I even had time to arise from my bed … Please think again! Honestly, at this point in my life, this stuff just happens! And that's no lie! Upon awakening, a thought drives me to reach for my mini iPad and—I'm off!
Geez! Who knows what mindful treasures may be mined when we consciously choose to strip away our personas, layer by layer, in hopes of making better use of our brains so that insight into change for the better will link one mind with another, day by day! If it's true that anything is possible, like—human brains, working together, conceiving of a plan to build a rocket that actually sends people to take a walk on the moon!!!!—I mean if the human brain can accomplish a feat as amazing as that and if world peace still escapes us, then doesn't it make sense for more of us to raise children in nation after nation in such a knowledgable, kind hearted environment as to actualize individualized heartfelt goals that reach as high as the sky while we hold hands with each other across the expanse of many miles … and thus do I awaken, empowered by my inner drive, to share insights, born of introspective reflection that grows more objective with practice, each day—
Seventy-six nations and since I've lost count … maybe even more :)
Now that my mind has matured to the point of casting aside all pretense of having experienced an ideal childhood, I've worked consciously, step by step, toward reclaiming the sense of freedom-to-be-me, which had been lost when my connection to sanity demanded that my defense system create a lets-pretend world, which served as my safe haven whenever fear threatened to overwhelm my sense of personal well being. And that insight makes me ask—what could be more intriguing than figuring out the inner workings of one's own brain? I mean, seriously—once we come to understand how the complex workings of the brain direct each one's life as to what to explore in depth and with whom, common sense suggests that we gain insight into balancing logic with emotion, effectively, while working toward achieving any heartfelt goal that seems beyond one's reach. And to that end, I've learned to make good use of reflection to make certain that my decisions are not based primarily in fear.
As each detail, repressed within my mental block, reveals itself to me in a piecemeal fashion (which at first glance seems totally unrelated to whatever is heightening my stress level, today), I gain clues into why a heavy weight exists behind my ever ready smile—hmmm—no wonder why we question that which Mona Lisa may have secreted away :)
If you ask: Annie, does that mean your smile was untrue, I'd sincerely reply: No one can fake sparkle … and since human nature has two sides, I choose to feel grateful for every good thing that comes my way. When we stop to think about it, isn't that what positive focus is truly about—consciously refocusing our minds to move past that which felt bad with heartfelt appreciation for that which feels too good to pass up, today? I mean, we don't need to muster positive focus when life feels like a picnic, right? It's when our picnic feels like we're sitting atop an anthill that attitudes need to refocus on sound reason to recreates that which ignites sparkle within our spirits' smiles. With positive focus intact, the sun will come out tomorrow. And if you don't get ants in your pants then with patience, your next picnic may offer even more pleasure than the last. (Guess my corny sense of humor is returning—I just couldn't resist :)
So, guess what turns sparkling smiles into fearful frowns more often than we'd think? Guilt. And here's the rub: It can be very hard to tell when feelings of guilt are undeserved (more about that, later) …
If you ask, Annie, why choose to dive ever more deeply into your mind if self discovery proves such a painful process, I'd reply: As long as details, making up the bigger picture of this mental burden, remain buried within my subconscious, I'll experience times when my spirit will dive into dark corners of my mind as though freedom to enjoy life with the utmost of zest is suddenly caged inside an air tight chamber, where stress sucks the oxygen out of my lungs.
With that thought in mind, here is sound reason why I enlist positive focus while working toward change for the better: Each time lack of oxygen ties my thoughts into tight, little knots, my defense systems sounds a silent alarm—and like a scared rabbit, every muscle in my body tenses in readiness to fly free of unidentified danger by diving into a hole, which in my case proves to be a junk drawer with a hair-trigger lock that springs open as soon as my sense of safety feels threatened—and that insight explains why I had need to invent The Line of Control, which cautions my mind to take time out to think smart on the spot as soon as instinct feels any sign of unnamed danger closing in … Whew!
On the other hand, each time the junk drawer in my mind flies open, I get to pull another painful detail out of my memory bank, which can be likened to pulling a stubborn cactus spine out of the top of my head. You see, each puzzling piece of fear that needes my mind, inhibits me from enjoying a slice of life that proves as enriching to my spirit's well being as disgesting a heart healthy salmon, caught in a fresh water stream, after spawning life anew :)
Once these insights stop popping like popcorn and my story, concerning these past several months, resumes, I believe you'll see how objective reflection offers relief from pain each time I consciously identify and shed undeserved guilt, thus creating change for the better, which ends in gain, all around, because each detail withdrawn from my memory bank acts as a clue—or better yet, a puzzle piece—that helps me to recreate the bigger picture, which, to this day, remains locked out of sight within my deeply troubling mental block.
As this troubling mystery colors itself in, one detail at a time, I identify strengths, which had been half baked. As working to strengthen vulnerabilities offers me sound reason to doubt myself less, my sense of self trust, concerning decisions made, today, grows ever more secure. And as life moves forward, I seek insight into creative solutions in hopes of resolving conflicts that defy understanding by setting fear to one side in favor of appreciating that which feels better, today, over that which felt worse, yesterday. And in this way does my spirit's desire to thrive drive my mind toward identifying and conquering fear of remembering an experience that had scared me into denying reality when I was a vulnerable child.
In short, my mind seeks insight into working consciously to ensure that my heart does not fear undeserved guilt to the point that I deny my own needs. And in this way do I free my spirit's sparkle to offer and accept love so openly and compassionately as to inhale a sense of inner peace more deeply than when my persona had been intact—suggesting that in retrospect, I am deeply thankful for the implosion of my protective shield :)
I've also come to see that emptying this junk drawer of its power to limit my mindsets requires that my spirit embrace leaps of faith toward personal growth. That was not true when I was young and—rather than setting a goal to achieve the freedom to be true to me—all I wanted most was to 'fit in' with family and friends. So each time I 'chose' to spurn my need to tune into my true self, I'd squeeze my sense of independence into the limited space allotted to my person within the air tight chamber that embraced friends and family but felt too small to hold all of my spirit intact.
As long as 'fitting in' remained my primary goal, there was only one choice that seemed safe to the undeveloped mind of this particular child: Leave heartfelt needs unmet while flying with birds of a feather, whose attitudes made it clear that I see things their way or it was the open highway for me. And here's why I did not contemplate venturing out on the path less taken after the age of five (at which time I'd packed a bag but got no further than the sidewalk outside of our front door): I'd felt deeply loved by many and feeling deeply loved conquered any thought of questing toward a path where each voice feels free to be true to one's deepest sense of self.
As loving freely and feeling loved deeply felt very good, my instinct to survive by accepting life within this airtight chamber stole away large portions of 'my' independent voice. And as I thrived much more often than those few times when unidentified fear arose, causing my high flying spirit to crash into the depths of that junk drawer, I'd silence instinct and choose personal limitation over existential freedom, time and again.
Each time my spirit crashed, self trust would arise in the form of this mantra, which regularly came to mind—I crash but for some reason, I do not burn—and you know what 'they' say: It matters not how many times you fall—what matters is how many times you stand up to try, try again—until you succeed—you know, like a scientist in a lab, experimenting until an antedote is found for much that had gone wrong when I was young.
Over the years each stage of life continued to prove kind and not … you know how that goes. And as long as my primary focus remained bent upon 'fitting in', my spirit shed portions of independence, here and there, now and again, in hopes of feeling accepted by this group or that. Though this herding instinct left gaping holes in my self esteem, which, during moments of contemplative reflection left me feeling deeply conflicted or rawly wounded, for the most part, I developed a false sense of security, and that false sense of gain numbed my spirit's pain as long as 'fitting in' was what I'd cared about most.
While riding this merry-go-round wearing blinders, I'd no clue that that which had caused my mind to spin off its axis in such a stormy fashion as to turn logic upside down was fear, geysering out of my junk drawer, grabbing control over the independent portion of my brain—yet again—just as had been true when I was a child, dependent upon the minds of adults to keep me safe …
In its deepest sense, this post describes the ways in which a thriving spirit can suddenly dive toward barely surviving when repressed self awareness has not yet thought to embrace tools that crack through walls of denial, behind which palpate strings of insight into self discovery, empowered to resuscitate caged portions of self esteem.
If asked why I'd say it takes patience, courage, tenacity and a whale of self trust in order to develop the degree of objectivity necessary to dig one's way out of a scared rabbit's hole I'd say: Giving birth to subconscious fear can feel as painful as releasing a kidney stone, and thus do so many shy away from deeper truths, peeking out from places within the mind that feel too darkly troubling and scary to reflect upon in depth without knowledgable help. In short, healing from post traumatic stress is not for sissies.
BTW if you thought I had, upon awakening this morning, any idea that this train of thought was lying in wait to chug out of my mind before I even had time to arise from my bed … Please think again! Honestly, at this point in my life, this stuff just happens! And that's no lie! Upon awakening, a thought drives me to reach for my mini iPad and—I'm off!
Geez! Who knows what mindful treasures may be mined when we consciously choose to strip away our personas, layer by layer, in hopes of making better use of our brains so that insight into change for the better will link one mind with another, day by day! If it's true that anything is possible, like—human brains, working together, conceiving of a plan to build a rocket that actually sends people to take a walk on the moon!!!!—I mean if the human brain can accomplish a feat as amazing as that and if world peace still escapes us, then doesn't it make sense for more of us to raise children in nation after nation in such a knowledgable, kind hearted environment as to actualize individualized heartfelt goals that reach as high as the sky while we hold hands with each other across the expanse of many miles … and thus do I awaken, empowered by my inner drive, to share insights, born of introspective reflection that grows more objective with practice, each day—
Seventy-six nations and since I've lost count … maybe even more :)
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