Though you're probably waiting to read what happened
In the aftermath of Will's biopsy
This next train of thought is determined to post itself, today …
Monday, November 25th:
Please know that my smile is sincere and
I know myself to be strong of spirit …
Even so, my sense of personal safety
Is still in the process of healing, suggesting …
My feeling more vulnerable than I'd like to admit
Plain and simple, here's what I'm getting at:
Though fear has lost its chokehold on my sense of logic
Somehow the fact that the depth of my vulnerability
Was unexpectedly and shockingly fully exposed—to me
Made me feel more transparent than ever before
And as much of my vulnerability still feels transparent
A state of watchful, deeply pensive self discovery
Is maintaining protective control over
The greater part of my mind, and …
Here is why that's true:
My identity is processing through change …
Change so profound as to be lasting in nature
And while my identity undergoes metamorphosis
Without benefit of a cocoon …
My old comfort zone is no where to be found, and
My new comfort zone has yet to develop, so
Outside of relating this story concerning
Overcoming fear by embracing
A huge leap of faith toward personal growth
(Once again, with insight into pain came gain :) …
My need for introspective quietude continues to outweigh
My natural bent toward connective loquaciousness while
Both sides of my mind work in tandem
To establish an expanded comfort zone into which
I'll eagerly welcome you to feel at home :)
So, if you continue to muster the patience
To buckle up and ride sidekick
As I travel back and forth in my mind's time machine
I believe that before too long, you, too, shall
Come to see how it came to pass that
Fear overwhelmed my sense of logic after
Will's diagnosis caused subconscious trauma to stir
And with subconscious trauma
(Which was totally unrelated to cancer)
Lumbering around, mystifyingly, deep inside …
My brain gave rise to muscle memory, which
Grew so intense as to tighten my throat and constrict my chest
Until I couldn't eat or breathe
And lacking in oxygen and fuel
The computer controlling my sense of logic
Crashed, allowing nameless fear to run wild until …
Self trust arose on its own and acting like a vice, squeezing
Both sides of my brain together, this personal strength
Caused the defensive wall, separating conscious memory from
My mental block, to develop a new crack
And guess what managed to slip through that hairline fracture?
One additional detail, which transformed confusion
Concerning my reaction into understanding
And with comprehension into the depth of my reaction
That missing detail, which had terrified me during recent weeks
Clarified …
With clarity, fear released it's choke hold on logic
And like a dam come undone, I experienced
A huge and sudden flood of relief for this reason:
My faith in self trust had achieved success over
Paralytic fear, again
And in hopes of absorbing initial feelings of release from
That particular fear more completely
I sought out therapy and
Relied upon the solid support of loved ones until, slowly
Painfully contracted muscle spasms lessened and
As muscle tension relaxed my lungs felt free to expand and
As I was able to inhale oxygen more deeply and easily
My appetite began to improve naturally …
As to my reaching out to family and friends … well …
There's a time to reach out and
A time to feel gratified when solid support pours in …
And that is why the law of averages must be considered
When we define deeper meaning to balance in all things :)
Here's one more thought that buoys my spirit with each passing day:
It's not just reassuring to know whom to trust when strengths implode
It's imperative to know whom to trust when vulnerability is fully exposed
And if, when I'd felt unable to write
It seemed as though I'd dropped your hand
Please think again …
You see, during this time when
Struggling with fear demanded all of my attention
Every drop of my energy turned in
Suggesting none was left to reach out
And that's why your show of support ...
Demonstrated by how many of you turned up upon my return
(Best month in terms of hits, ever!)
Means more to me, today, than I can say :)
So with Thanksgiving's approach
You can believe how deeply thankful I feel!
Your friend,
:) Annie
In the aftermath of Will's biopsy
This next train of thought is determined to post itself, today …
Monday, November 25th:
Please know that my smile is sincere and
I know myself to be strong of spirit …
Even so, my sense of personal safety
Is still in the process of healing, suggesting …
My feeling more vulnerable than I'd like to admit
Plain and simple, here's what I'm getting at:
Though fear has lost its chokehold on my sense of logic
Somehow the fact that the depth of my vulnerability
Was unexpectedly and shockingly fully exposed—to me
Made me feel more transparent than ever before
And as much of my vulnerability still feels transparent
A state of watchful, deeply pensive self discovery
Is maintaining protective control over
The greater part of my mind, and …
Here is why that's true:
My identity is processing through change …
Change so profound as to be lasting in nature
And while my identity undergoes metamorphosis
Without benefit of a cocoon …
My old comfort zone is no where to be found, and
My new comfort zone has yet to develop, so
Outside of relating this story concerning
Overcoming fear by embracing
A huge leap of faith toward personal growth
(Once again, with insight into pain came gain :) …
My need for introspective quietude continues to outweigh
My natural bent toward connective loquaciousness while
Both sides of my mind work in tandem
To establish an expanded comfort zone into which
I'll eagerly welcome you to feel at home :)
So, if you continue to muster the patience
To buckle up and ride sidekick
As I travel back and forth in my mind's time machine
I believe that before too long, you, too, shall
Come to see how it came to pass that
Fear overwhelmed my sense of logic after
Will's diagnosis caused subconscious trauma to stir
And with subconscious trauma
(Which was totally unrelated to cancer)
Lumbering around, mystifyingly, deep inside …
My brain gave rise to muscle memory, which
Grew so intense as to tighten my throat and constrict my chest
Until I couldn't eat or breathe
And lacking in oxygen and fuel
The computer controlling my sense of logic
Crashed, allowing nameless fear to run wild until …
Self trust arose on its own and acting like a vice, squeezing
Both sides of my brain together, this personal strength
Caused the defensive wall, separating conscious memory from
My mental block, to develop a new crack
And guess what managed to slip through that hairline fracture?
One additional detail, which transformed confusion
Concerning my reaction into understanding
And with comprehension into the depth of my reaction
That missing detail, which had terrified me during recent weeks
Clarified …
With clarity, fear released it's choke hold on logic
And like a dam come undone, I experienced
A huge and sudden flood of relief for this reason:
My faith in self trust had achieved success over
Paralytic fear, again
And in hopes of absorbing initial feelings of release from
That particular fear more completely
I sought out therapy and
Relied upon the solid support of loved ones until, slowly
Painfully contracted muscle spasms lessened and
As muscle tension relaxed my lungs felt free to expand and
As I was able to inhale oxygen more deeply and easily
My appetite began to improve naturally …
As to my reaching out to family and friends … well …
There's a time to reach out and
A time to feel gratified when solid support pours in …
And that is why the law of averages must be considered
When we define deeper meaning to balance in all things :)
Here's one more thought that buoys my spirit with each passing day:
It's not just reassuring to know whom to trust when strengths implode
It's imperative to know whom to trust when vulnerability is fully exposed
And if, when I'd felt unable to write
It seemed as though I'd dropped your hand
Please think again …
You see, during this time when
Struggling with fear demanded all of my attention
Every drop of my energy turned in
Suggesting none was left to reach out
And that's why your show of support ...
Demonstrated by how many of you turned up upon my return
(Best month in terms of hits, ever!)
Means more to me, today, than I can say :)
So with Thanksgiving's approach
You can believe how deeply thankful I feel!
Your friend,
:) Annie
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