Before I cane to understand that the path toward self discovery enhances success, my defense system fooled my thought processor into believing that the sunny side of my persona, within which my inner life had been cloaked, was the greater part of my whole. Twenty years ago, my sense of self awareness was so undeveloped that I had no clue as to which of my mindsets had become negatively focused due to the fact that portions of my self esteem had sustained subconscious wounds. At that earlier time when emotional injuries had festered deep within my think tank, pessimistic attitudes darkened my views of certain aspects of myself. (See posts relating the story, Bully For Me.)
With no clue into my deep-seated fear of being abandoned I worked to satisfy the needs others by giving more than was expected of me, consistently. And thus, an abundance of generosity in terms of time and energy is what people came to love … and expect from me until ... eventually, I wore myself out. Once I'd worn out and clearly stated that fact countless times over several years, those who'd come to expect much more than I could continue to give turned a deaf ear to my spoken needs and told me I'd grown selfish, fragile or weak.
At that point in time, while my mind reeled from such shocking changes in attitude, more than one loving relationship descended into a nightmarish maze where confusion evolved into swirls of emotional 'craziness' on both sides. And in the absence of self-discovery, (on both sides) , relationships, which had thrived, barely survived, because that which felt bad went to worse, all around.
Once the story-telling portion of my mind opens freely, again, I'll describe circumstances, which compelled me to develop a need to grow so self aware as to dive into my past in hopes of retrieving forgotten memories, which offered me the clarity to see the bigger picture of my life as never before. As insight into my need for introspective objectivity clarified, I began to identify and understand emotional injuries, which had never healed. With understanding, my defensive reactions were no longer aroused, and as my defensive attitudes changed, my heart embraced a sense of compassion for all concerned ... most especially for those who, fearing the reality of their half baked strengths, remained blind to their defensive retorts in reaction to my declarations of exhaustion. And thus do certain people continue to misperceive me as being selfish, fragile and weak, even today.
It's an interesting turn of events, isn't it, when negative judgments in terms of fragility, rain down on the head of the person who'd been summoned to resolve everyone else's conflicts, dilemmas and dramas for years without end …
The more I came to recognize that two sides create my whole, (my secure side and my insecure side) the more balanced (objective) my outlook, concerning my personal and professional strengths and vulnerabilities, became. Needless to say, it takes more courage and humility to define and strengthen one's own vulnerabilities than to sit in judgement of what appears to be the vulnerabilities of others. On the other hand, common sense suggests that the only way an optimistic realist can hope to create change for the better when facing down pessimistic attitudes shooting bullets straight for the heart is by mustering the courage to recognize how much patience is needed in order not to feel injured anew each time a loved one's defensive misjudgment rains down on my head, today.
Tough work? Yup! But no one's spirit can do this work for me but mine. On the bright side, I know myself to be a hard worker, and when a goal has been set in place, I can depend on my resilience to stay the course and not give up on healing a heartfelt relationship as long as both of us are on this side of the grass. Bottom line ...
With no clue into my deep-seated fear of being abandoned I worked to satisfy the needs others by giving more than was expected of me, consistently. And thus, an abundance of generosity in terms of time and energy is what people came to love … and expect from me until ... eventually, I wore myself out. Once I'd worn out and clearly stated that fact countless times over several years, those who'd come to expect much more than I could continue to give turned a deaf ear to my spoken needs and told me I'd grown selfish, fragile or weak.
At that point in time, while my mind reeled from such shocking changes in attitude, more than one loving relationship descended into a nightmarish maze where confusion evolved into swirls of emotional 'craziness' on both sides. And in the absence of self-discovery, (on both sides) , relationships, which had thrived, barely survived, because that which felt bad went to worse, all around.
Once the story-telling portion of my mind opens freely, again, I'll describe circumstances, which compelled me to develop a need to grow so self aware as to dive into my past in hopes of retrieving forgotten memories, which offered me the clarity to see the bigger picture of my life as never before. As insight into my need for introspective objectivity clarified, I began to identify and understand emotional injuries, which had never healed. With understanding, my defensive reactions were no longer aroused, and as my defensive attitudes changed, my heart embraced a sense of compassion for all concerned ... most especially for those who, fearing the reality of their half baked strengths, remained blind to their defensive retorts in reaction to my declarations of exhaustion. And thus do certain people continue to misperceive me as being selfish, fragile and weak, even today.
It's an interesting turn of events, isn't it, when negative judgments in terms of fragility, rain down on the head of the person who'd been summoned to resolve everyone else's conflicts, dilemmas and dramas for years without end …
The more I came to recognize that two sides create my whole, (my secure side and my insecure side) the more balanced (objective) my outlook, concerning my personal and professional strengths and vulnerabilities, became. Needless to say, it takes more courage and humility to define and strengthen one's own vulnerabilities than to sit in judgement of what appears to be the vulnerabilities of others. On the other hand, common sense suggests that the only way an optimistic realist can hope to create change for the better when facing down pessimistic attitudes shooting bullets straight for the heart is by mustering the courage to recognize how much patience is needed in order not to feel injured anew each time a loved one's defensive misjudgment rains down on my head, today.
Tough work? Yup! But no one's spirit can do this work for me but mine. On the bright side, I know myself to be a hard worker, and when a goal has been set in place, I can depend on my resilience to stay the course and not give up on healing a heartfelt relationship as long as both of us are on this side of the grass. Bottom line ...
It makes no sense to expect others to respect me more than I respect myself …
If self respect is goal number one, what is goal number two?
If self respect is goal number one, what is goal number two?
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