Editing complete :)
Last train of thought before moving forward:
Do you realize how often a given reason does not match
The real reason for making a decision?
Last train of thought before moving forward:
Do you realize how often a given reason does not match
The real reason for making a decision?
Need an example?
Try this three act play on for size:
Act one reveals Will's given reason for wanting to attend Mom's party
Act two reveals Will's real reason for wanting to attend Mom's party
Act two reveals Will's real reason for wanting to attend Mom's party
Act three reveals Will's undisclosed motivation, which matchs mine
Act one
We are in Dr. B's office
I express my desire to schedule surgery as soon as possible, rather than prolonging anxiety by extending our wait from six weeks to eight.
Will counters by expressing his desire to delay in order to fly to the Midwest and celebrate my mother's momentous birthday. Once my thought processor absorbs Will's given reason—that being to honor my mom and enjoy a good time with our sons before facing this difficult ordeal—I concede to my husband's reasoning, because my mind is focused on taking good care of Will.
Though underlying anxiety proves our constant companion over the next four weeks, Will's spirit and mine remain buoyed by a host of inner strengths as well as this fact: For the most part, we feel warmly supported by family and friends. In addition to that, I, being well practiced at positive focus, am mindfully attending to my decision to offer my husband reason to smile, every day.
Though misgivings arise concerning my ability to 'act' light hearted while co-hosting Mom's weekend-long festivities, I push dark shadows, looming directly overhead, aside, thus ignoring intuition, which signals me, repeatedly, to respect the depth of my need to move through this ordeal in a quiet, peaceful place. I mean, this is all about Will—however, in light of the bigger picture, the question of my husband's mortality weighs heavy on the state of my well-being, as well.
If you question my reason for elevating Mom's needs and Will's needs way above my own, I'd reply: Blind force of habit. You know—ring the bell and watch Pavlov's dog run straight through the chute in hopes of being fed—though in this case, that which had been in need of nourishment had been my spirit, which had historically fed off of my loved ones' smiles, suggesting that the depth of my empathetic reaction when faced with frowns, had been in need of readjustment—because too much of anything is not a good thing. Bottom line: As long as I was blind to how fast I'd danced around, meeting the needs of my loved ones, any thought of defying convention dizzied my mind to the point of feeling faint …
Act two:
Six weeks have passed, suggesting that flying toward the festive celebration in honor of my mother's hundredth birthday looms directly overhead. I chose the word looming, because of its ominous overtones. You see, rather than glowing with heartfelt excitement, as had been my habit, my spirit sagged from dragging a sack of rocks inside my mind, which grew heavier by the day, until finally, intuition suggested that the only way I could possibly attend Mom's party in this lackluster, paralitic state was if my body had been carried into a banquet room, filled with family and friends, on a stretcher.
If you ask: Annie, what caused your entire being to freeze in place? I'd reply:
While working to free my mind of childhood 'shoulds', my mindset and comfort zone are transitioning through no man's land, meaning that while retraining my think tank to respect my needs equally with the needs of those I love, I can't seem to accomplish this task without heaping undeserved guilt upon my severely stressed head: And if you ask me to explain why being true to myself at my core feels so stressful, I'd reply: I've peeled away so many defense mechanisms as to have fully exposed the rawness of my vulnerabilities, suggesting the impossibility of my faking any emotion that does not feel 100% real.
Though the narrow confines of my comfort zone had yet to expand so far as to enable me to freely express the depth of my distress in words, one look at my body's tightly clenched muscles, wasting away, reflected the fact that inner torment had gained control over my mind, thus placing a choke hold around my spirit's appetite for life. (How many times must others say: 'listen to your body' before we grow mindfully attentive to the fact that this message proves universal, as well as personally, profound?)
If asked what caused my state of mental duress to increase, I'd reply: My mindset had been painfully encased within the narrow framwork of a self-protective shell, which had need to crack a bit more, every day. And though mind expansion had been taking place, all along, I remained blind to that fact until, one day, a flash of insight brightened my perspective, concerning the concept of choice: Ostrich-like, I can stick my head in quicksand while forcing myself to attend Mom's party, thus honoring the needs of my loved ones, or I can expand my mind set and think for myself until brainstorming ignites a plan that attends to the restless nature of my mind. As my second choice made much more sense than my first, I decided that my first thought had not been my best thought, and thus, upon reflection did my attitude and comfort zone expand.
When the subject is human human nature, instinct divides in half. While one half compels us to quest toward personal growth the other half suggests that even the strongest amongst us pull away from possible pain—and thus does inner conflict serve as the spur that propels our brains to tolerate pain, which labors toward giving birth to new neural pathways each time that a path, which had once been tried and true, hits a wall. When that happens to me, I take steps to seek a door that's locked or a window that's stuck, and if running along side that wall, all I see are bricks, I dig deep until creative thinking conjure up a pick—the one thing I don't do is turn my back on my need to move forward …
If you ask what had stoked my decision to think for myself and open up to Will, my answer would be two fold: First of all, my spirit, which serves as my compass, could not stop dragging. As that was not like me, the solution-seeking portion of my mind continued to spin its wheels until three days before our plane was due to take off, at which time I chose to bare the depth of my vulnerability to Will. Secondly, my breathing had become so shallow that I could not stand up for feeling faint. So though my comfort zone was still pretty narrow, my body demanded that mind set expand, thus freeing my spirit to discuss the depth of my need to revise our original plan.
Upon reaching this point in my decision-making process, the little girl within indicated her need to sit on Will's knee, where her sagging self esteem felt soothed neath the umbrella of his love, And as tears of despair at my inability to function poured freely down my adult cheeks, intuition suggested that the crack in my mindset had finally sprung a leak, and here's why that proved to be a good thing: Once the rawness of my vulnerability had slipped out of my core, these words, which rang true, made their way into my husband's open ear: I can't fly to the Midwest. I can't celebrate with everyone. I need to be here, where it's quiet, with you.
If you ask: Annie, why did such an honest disclosure cause your self esteem to sag? I'd reply: My belief system kept insisting that I 'should' have been taking care of Will, but here I was, asking him to take care of me. As this was unlike the me whom I'm proud to be, I didn't like myself, at all.
On an up note, I'd expressed my needs openly, clearly and briefly, suggesting that straight into my core, I had been true to myself, at last!
On a second up note: After I'd expressed myself clearly to Will, he expressed himself clearly to me—and though nothing changed other than the fact that our ability to harmonize had not exploded, under pressure, a huge sigh of relief released a couple of anxious rocks from the bag I'd been lugging around.
As you can see, change for the better takes place one small step at a time, suggesting why my little bird sits patiently on her nest, hoping that the shell encasing a loved one's closed mindset may crack just enough to consider the possibility that two heads often prove better than one when hatching a workable plan :)
Act three
Though Will knew that his given reason for attending Mom's party did not match his real reason, I had no clue that his desire to save me from suffering regret at missing Mom's party had influenced his decision to keep the real reason under wraps. Though Will's intentions had been loving, here is one reason why my path felt increasingly rocky: As Will's given reason did not match his real reason, the information I had to work with led my decision-making process on a not so merry chase. You see, in addition to worrying about disappointing Mom, I'd worried about disappointing Will. And though this train of thought resembles 'who's on first', it actually makes a ton of sense.
While sitting on Will's knee, expressing my need to spend these next several days within the safe haven, which we'd created as our very own, I described the impossibility of forcing myself to put on a show of strength while intuition kept signally me to attend to the rawness of my vulnerably. And having said my piece, which I had surely thought would have caused Will to frown, the simplicity of my husband's reply came as a huge surprise: Rest your mind, Annie. We'll stay right here.
Taken aback, I ask: Are you really okay with this?
At that, Will divulges his real reason, at last:
Yes. Though I'd wanted to honor your mother, I did not want to be the reason why you might, one day, reflect with regret at not having been there for your mom.
As Will's disclosure puts a new spin on our decision-making process, I ask: But what about your desire to celebrate with our sons before facing many more weeks of this ordeal?
I said that to free your mind of thinking that I needed you to take care of me the weekend of Mom's party.
Upon hearing this, I release that huge sigh, suggesting that when both of us had opened up, the heavy weight of anxiety lifted, all around. Though still sad to miss Mom's gala, my spirit smiles, and while hugging Will close, a warm hearted thought flies out of my mouth: This reminds me of the O'Henry story, The Gift Of the Magi, where the wife sells her hair to buy her husband a fob for his watch, and the husband sells his watch to buy his wife a comb for her hair.
Soon after that, I slip off of Will's lap and as this portion of my mind feels relieved of a couple of rocks, my think tank lightens up enough to redirect whatever energy my spirit can generate toward finding the key in hopes of unlocking dark pockets where secreted details remain empowered to cause the insecure portion of my self esteem to feel faint …
If you ask what drives my motivation to free myself from yesterday's ghosts, I'd reply: In order to take good care of myself, I had to crack through a shell, which had blinded me to the fact that fulfilling the needs of my loved ones had always eclipsed my own.
And now that you and I have reflected objectively over that turbulent time, this silver lining comes to mind: Will's non-disclosure had forced me to think for myself. Then, as my body felt too faint to travel, my conscious mind was forced to consider my needs as equal to the needs of those I love. And in truth, I'd rather know that I have to force myself to be less selfless than identifying a need to be less selfish—and if that insight doesn't kick undeserved guilt out the door on the first try—try, try, again :)
It's amazing how convoluted life becomes when we unsuspectingly disrespect our needs while simultaneously dumping undeserved guilt upon our own heads all in the name of protecting the ones we love most. As for me, I can't wait to tell Socrates that I hope to have come to know myself well enough to refuse to accept rocks for brains, ever again :)
As to absorbing additional insights, gleaned from this painful experience (no pain no gain), let's try these on for size:
It's important to discern when compassion, rather than empathy, offers me the opportunity to view a situation with objectively.
The relevance of leadership taking turns being vulnerable as well as strong must not be ignored.
Each time two people choose to put their heads together, they may choose to step ever more confidently into the great unknown …
Since that which we choose to say or not say may prove to be a gamble at best, intuition differentiates between that which needs to be public knowledge and that which points toward every person's need for privacy.
Uhh—on second thought, while sitting on a simple plan that's ready to hatch, this little bird may feel a bit more chirpy than she'd like to admit. And here is why that's true: It's not easy to wait for a mind set to expand enough to embrace intuition, which has repeatedly suggested that it's healthy to take solace or comfort or pleasure in attending to personal needs, within reason.
On the other hand, I can muster tons of patience while hoping that the comfort zone of an exceptional person may chose to exhonorate oneself from guilt, which, upon second thought, proves undeserved …
And—guess what else intuition suggests? Intuition suggests that my comfort zone may have readied itself to introduce the first in a bevy of high school stories as early as—tomorrow :)
Act one
We are in Dr. B's office
I express my desire to schedule surgery as soon as possible, rather than prolonging anxiety by extending our wait from six weeks to eight.
Will counters by expressing his desire to delay in order to fly to the Midwest and celebrate my mother's momentous birthday. Once my thought processor absorbs Will's given reason—that being to honor my mom and enjoy a good time with our sons before facing this difficult ordeal—I concede to my husband's reasoning, because my mind is focused on taking good care of Will.
Though underlying anxiety proves our constant companion over the next four weeks, Will's spirit and mine remain buoyed by a host of inner strengths as well as this fact: For the most part, we feel warmly supported by family and friends. In addition to that, I, being well practiced at positive focus, am mindfully attending to my decision to offer my husband reason to smile, every day.
Though misgivings arise concerning my ability to 'act' light hearted while co-hosting Mom's weekend-long festivities, I push dark shadows, looming directly overhead, aside, thus ignoring intuition, which signals me, repeatedly, to respect the depth of my need to move through this ordeal in a quiet, peaceful place. I mean, this is all about Will—however, in light of the bigger picture, the question of my husband's mortality weighs heavy on the state of my well-being, as well.
If you question my reason for elevating Mom's needs and Will's needs way above my own, I'd reply: Blind force of habit. You know—ring the bell and watch Pavlov's dog run straight through the chute in hopes of being fed—though in this case, that which had been in need of nourishment had been my spirit, which had historically fed off of my loved ones' smiles, suggesting that the depth of my empathetic reaction when faced with frowns, had been in need of readjustment—because too much of anything is not a good thing. Bottom line: As long as I was blind to how fast I'd danced around, meeting the needs of my loved ones, any thought of defying convention dizzied my mind to the point of feeling faint …
Act two:
Six weeks have passed, suggesting that flying toward the festive celebration in honor of my mother's hundredth birthday looms directly overhead. I chose the word looming, because of its ominous overtones. You see, rather than glowing with heartfelt excitement, as had been my habit, my spirit sagged from dragging a sack of rocks inside my mind, which grew heavier by the day, until finally, intuition suggested that the only way I could possibly attend Mom's party in this lackluster, paralitic state was if my body had been carried into a banquet room, filled with family and friends, on a stretcher.
If you ask: Annie, what caused your entire being to freeze in place? I'd reply:
While working to free my mind of childhood 'shoulds', my mindset and comfort zone are transitioning through no man's land, meaning that while retraining my think tank to respect my needs equally with the needs of those I love, I can't seem to accomplish this task without heaping undeserved guilt upon my severely stressed head: And if you ask me to explain why being true to myself at my core feels so stressful, I'd reply: I've peeled away so many defense mechanisms as to have fully exposed the rawness of my vulnerabilities, suggesting the impossibility of my faking any emotion that does not feel 100% real.
Though the narrow confines of my comfort zone had yet to expand so far as to enable me to freely express the depth of my distress in words, one look at my body's tightly clenched muscles, wasting away, reflected the fact that inner torment had gained control over my mind, thus placing a choke hold around my spirit's appetite for life. (How many times must others say: 'listen to your body' before we grow mindfully attentive to the fact that this message proves universal, as well as personally, profound?)
If asked what caused my state of mental duress to increase, I'd reply: My mindset had been painfully encased within the narrow framwork of a self-protective shell, which had need to crack a bit more, every day. And though mind expansion had been taking place, all along, I remained blind to that fact until, one day, a flash of insight brightened my perspective, concerning the concept of choice: Ostrich-like, I can stick my head in quicksand while forcing myself to attend Mom's party, thus honoring the needs of my loved ones, or I can expand my mind set and think for myself until brainstorming ignites a plan that attends to the restless nature of my mind. As my second choice made much more sense than my first, I decided that my first thought had not been my best thought, and thus, upon reflection did my attitude and comfort zone expand.
When the subject is human human nature, instinct divides in half. While one half compels us to quest toward personal growth the other half suggests that even the strongest amongst us pull away from possible pain—and thus does inner conflict serve as the spur that propels our brains to tolerate pain, which labors toward giving birth to new neural pathways each time that a path, which had once been tried and true, hits a wall. When that happens to me, I take steps to seek a door that's locked or a window that's stuck, and if running along side that wall, all I see are bricks, I dig deep until creative thinking conjure up a pick—the one thing I don't do is turn my back on my need to move forward …
If you ask what had stoked my decision to think for myself and open up to Will, my answer would be two fold: First of all, my spirit, which serves as my compass, could not stop dragging. As that was not like me, the solution-seeking portion of my mind continued to spin its wheels until three days before our plane was due to take off, at which time I chose to bare the depth of my vulnerability to Will. Secondly, my breathing had become so shallow that I could not stand up for feeling faint. So though my comfort zone was still pretty narrow, my body demanded that mind set expand, thus freeing my spirit to discuss the depth of my need to revise our original plan.
Upon reaching this point in my decision-making process, the little girl within indicated her need to sit on Will's knee, where her sagging self esteem felt soothed neath the umbrella of his love, And as tears of despair at my inability to function poured freely down my adult cheeks, intuition suggested that the crack in my mindset had finally sprung a leak, and here's why that proved to be a good thing: Once the rawness of my vulnerability had slipped out of my core, these words, which rang true, made their way into my husband's open ear: I can't fly to the Midwest. I can't celebrate with everyone. I need to be here, where it's quiet, with you.
If you ask: Annie, why did such an honest disclosure cause your self esteem to sag? I'd reply: My belief system kept insisting that I 'should' have been taking care of Will, but here I was, asking him to take care of me. As this was unlike the me whom I'm proud to be, I didn't like myself, at all.
On an up note, I'd expressed my needs openly, clearly and briefly, suggesting that straight into my core, I had been true to myself, at last!
On a second up note: After I'd expressed myself clearly to Will, he expressed himself clearly to me—and though nothing changed other than the fact that our ability to harmonize had not exploded, under pressure, a huge sigh of relief released a couple of anxious rocks from the bag I'd been lugging around.
As you can see, change for the better takes place one small step at a time, suggesting why my little bird sits patiently on her nest, hoping that the shell encasing a loved one's closed mindset may crack just enough to consider the possibility that two heads often prove better than one when hatching a workable plan :)
Act three
Though Will knew that his given reason for attending Mom's party did not match his real reason, I had no clue that his desire to save me from suffering regret at missing Mom's party had influenced his decision to keep the real reason under wraps. Though Will's intentions had been loving, here is one reason why my path felt increasingly rocky: As Will's given reason did not match his real reason, the information I had to work with led my decision-making process on a not so merry chase. You see, in addition to worrying about disappointing Mom, I'd worried about disappointing Will. And though this train of thought resembles 'who's on first', it actually makes a ton of sense.
While sitting on Will's knee, expressing my need to spend these next several days within the safe haven, which we'd created as our very own, I described the impossibility of forcing myself to put on a show of strength while intuition kept signally me to attend to the rawness of my vulnerably. And having said my piece, which I had surely thought would have caused Will to frown, the simplicity of my husband's reply came as a huge surprise: Rest your mind, Annie. We'll stay right here.
Taken aback, I ask: Are you really okay with this?
At that, Will divulges his real reason, at last:
Yes. Though I'd wanted to honor your mother, I did not want to be the reason why you might, one day, reflect with regret at not having been there for your mom.
As Will's disclosure puts a new spin on our decision-making process, I ask: But what about your desire to celebrate with our sons before facing many more weeks of this ordeal?
I said that to free your mind of thinking that I needed you to take care of me the weekend of Mom's party.
Upon hearing this, I release that huge sigh, suggesting that when both of us had opened up, the heavy weight of anxiety lifted, all around. Though still sad to miss Mom's gala, my spirit smiles, and while hugging Will close, a warm hearted thought flies out of my mouth: This reminds me of the O'Henry story, The Gift Of the Magi, where the wife sells her hair to buy her husband a fob for his watch, and the husband sells his watch to buy his wife a comb for her hair.
Soon after that, I slip off of Will's lap and as this portion of my mind feels relieved of a couple of rocks, my think tank lightens up enough to redirect whatever energy my spirit can generate toward finding the key in hopes of unlocking dark pockets where secreted details remain empowered to cause the insecure portion of my self esteem to feel faint …
And now that you and I have reflected objectively over that turbulent time, this silver lining comes to mind: Will's non-disclosure had forced me to think for myself. Then, as my body felt too faint to travel, my conscious mind was forced to consider my needs as equal to the needs of those I love. And in truth, I'd rather know that I have to force myself to be less selfless than identifying a need to be less selfish—and if that insight doesn't kick undeserved guilt out the door on the first try—try, try, again :)
It's amazing how convoluted life becomes when we unsuspectingly disrespect our needs while simultaneously dumping undeserved guilt upon our own heads all in the name of protecting the ones we love most. As for me, I can't wait to tell Socrates that I hope to have come to know myself well enough to refuse to accept rocks for brains, ever again :)
As to absorbing additional insights, gleaned from this painful experience (no pain no gain), let's try these on for size:
It's important to discern when compassion, rather than empathy, offers me the opportunity to view a situation with objectively.
The relevance of leadership taking turns being vulnerable as well as strong must not be ignored.
Each time two people choose to put their heads together, they may choose to step ever more confidently into the great unknown …
Since that which we choose to say or not say may prove to be a gamble at best, intuition differentiates between that which needs to be public knowledge and that which points toward every person's need for privacy.
As to gaining insight into accepting those times when simple plans must rest patiently inside my mind like little birds, nesting in tall trees—well I bolster my spirit with patience until hopefully, a mindset cracks open at least enough to say: Okay, Annie, my mind is open to considering this simple plan that you believe will nourish us both by way of personal growth—
Uhh—on second thought, while sitting on a simple plan that's ready to hatch, this little bird may feel a bit more chirpy than she'd like to admit. And here is why that's true: It's not easy to wait for a mind set to expand enough to embrace intuition, which has repeatedly suggested that it's healthy to take solace or comfort or pleasure in attending to personal needs, within reason.
On the other hand, I can muster tons of patience while hoping that the comfort zone of an exceptional person may chose to exhonorate oneself from guilt, which, upon second thought, proves undeserved …
And—guess what else intuition suggests? Intuition suggests that my comfort zone may have readied itself to introduce the first in a bevy of high school stories as early as—tomorrow :)
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