Are you aware of those times when you have no clue as to why you feel happy or shy or excited or angry or scared until you hear your own thoughts forming sentences that flow out of your mouth one word at a time? Or how about understanding what's taking place when your mind is juggling several emotions, at once?
Well, upon awakening, one morning, next to Will, here's what took place when I opened my mouth, and one by one, each of these words slipped through the crack in my defensive wall, which blocks my conscious mind from acknowledging subconscious secrets that I keep from myself:
My eyes open and instinctively, my body turns so
I can see Will, who is sleeping next to me
And now that I'm lying on my left side, staring at my husband
My right arm reaches out so that
The palm of my hand gently strokes Will's cheek until
His eyelids flutter several times before his eyes
Focus clearly on mine …
Once Will's conscious mind has
Awakened enough to connect with mine
My husband pulls me close while
Being protective of his two week old incision, suggesting that
He's careful not to wrap himself around me, while asking:
What is it, Annie?
It stopped when I met you ...
What stopped?
He stopped hurting me.
Now that Will is fully awake, I feel his body tense protectively while this man who loves me asks: Is there more?
(A mind loosening tool we'd learned in therapy)
I never had a boyfriend before you
Lots of dates but no boy friends
I never knew that guys stopped calling, because
I'd pushed them away
It never occurred to me they'd felt rejected by me
I'd just felt unworthy of their attention, because of
Feeling so unattractive, like when the bullies had brow beat me
I never realized how scared I was of guys …
Then, I met you, and
I felt so respected, so safe with you, and
You were so much fun …
As many times as I'd push you away
You'd call and want to see me, anyway
Once you were my boyfriend
He never had an opportunity to get me alone, ever again
And that's why I've been so scared, these past few weeks ...
Annie, I don't understand what you're getting at—what does your anxiety, today, have to do with that early time in your life? …
Will, if the cancer wins, and
You're not here ...
I'll be prey, again ...
Suddenly, Will gets it, the reason for my spike in anxiety, because he's heard me refer to myself as prey many times in therapy … Now, the depth of my fear, over these past four weeks, makes sense. It's not Annie, his wife, who's so afraid for her safety—it's the little girl, whose subconscious wounds remain as raw, today, as when I had been prey to those bullies on the bus, who'd taken turns jostling and insulting my body while we rode to and from Hebrew School when I was a child—upon seeing Will's vulnerability, thoughts of his not being at my side, caused me to fear being alone in a world where I'd feel like prey, again—
Annie, is it coming clear as to how old you were when he … hurt you?
No. But here is something that has come clear ... I've been reliving how scared I'd felt every time he came toward me, so scared that I'd disappear—the same way I'd disappeared into that same dark cave somewhere deep within me, every time I'd climbed up into that Hebrew van …
Annie, last night, you tossed and turned and made strange noises. I had to shake you, gently, to get you to calm down ...
Next thing I know, I'm clinging to Will while a lifetime of terror rides out of my subconscious on torrents of tears that pour down my cheeks while tension, deeply repressed for years, releases by way of gut wrenching sobs …
Well, upon awakening, one morning, next to Will, here's what took place when I opened my mouth, and one by one, each of these words slipped through the crack in my defensive wall, which blocks my conscious mind from acknowledging subconscious secrets that I keep from myself:
My eyes open and instinctively, my body turns so
I can see Will, who is sleeping next to me
And now that I'm lying on my left side, staring at my husband
My right arm reaches out so that
The palm of my hand gently strokes Will's cheek until
His eyelids flutter several times before his eyes
Focus clearly on mine …
Once Will's conscious mind has
Awakened enough to connect with mine
My husband pulls me close while
Being protective of his two week old incision, suggesting that
He's careful not to wrap himself around me, while asking:
What is it, Annie?
It stopped when I met you ...
What stopped?
He stopped hurting me.
Now that Will is fully awake, I feel his body tense protectively while this man who loves me asks: Is there more?
(A mind loosening tool we'd learned in therapy)
I never had a boyfriend before you
Lots of dates but no boy friends
I never knew that guys stopped calling, because
I'd pushed them away
It never occurred to me they'd felt rejected by me
I'd just felt unworthy of their attention, because of
Feeling so unattractive, like when the bullies had brow beat me
I never realized how scared I was of guys …
Then, I met you, and
I felt so respected, so safe with you, and
You were so much fun …
As many times as I'd push you away
You'd call and want to see me, anyway
Once you were my boyfriend
He never had an opportunity to get me alone, ever again
And that's why I've been so scared, these past few weeks ...
Annie, I don't understand what you're getting at—what does your anxiety, today, have to do with that early time in your life? …
Will, if the cancer wins, and
You're not here ...
I'll be prey, again ...
Suddenly, Will gets it, the reason for my spike in anxiety, because he's heard me refer to myself as prey many times in therapy … Now, the depth of my fear, over these past four weeks, makes sense. It's not Annie, his wife, who's so afraid for her safety—it's the little girl, whose subconscious wounds remain as raw, today, as when I had been prey to those bullies on the bus, who'd taken turns jostling and insulting my body while we rode to and from Hebrew School when I was a child—upon seeing Will's vulnerability, thoughts of his not being at my side, caused me to fear being alone in a world where I'd feel like prey, again—
Annie, is it coming clear as to how old you were when he … hurt you?
No. But here is something that has come clear ... I've been reliving how scared I'd felt every time he came toward me, so scared that I'd disappear—the same way I'd disappeared into that same dark cave somewhere deep within me, every time I'd climbed up into that Hebrew van …
Annie, last night, you tossed and turned and made strange noises. I had to shake you, gently, to get you to calm down ...
Next thing I know, I'm clinging to Will while a lifetime of terror rides out of my subconscious on torrents of tears that pour down my cheeks while tension, deeply repressed for years, releases by way of gut wrenching sobs …
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