Being too tired to write, yesterday, I rested my mind.
Though my energy source is not fully charged, I feel like writing, so if you choose to ride sidekick, we'll see where my train of thought takes us, today.
In recent posts, you've played witness to turbulence taking control over my mind when inner conflict, concerning Mom's unspoken need of my presence at her party seemed to crash into Will's unspoken need of me to be strong. You've watched my anxious state of mind grow ever more confounded, because that which had distressed me most of all escaped detection until I'd muscled my way through my own defensive wall, thus identifying the unnamed fear, which had undermined my sense of safety..
As I'd feared disappointing Mom and Will, my most important values, both of which prove vital to my spirit's survival, had dueled for dominance inside my head (be true to those you love/be true to yourself), and while engaged in that duel, my mind felt as tortured as a body tearing in half on a medieval rack until insight into freedom to place 'shoulds' aside and think for myself offered my downcast spirit sound reason to figure out how to expand my comfort zone, thus freeing my mind to be true to fulfilling my needs without dismissing the needs of those I love ...
Over most of my life, I'd felt guilty when my needs conflicted with whatever my loved ones had needed of me. Today, that has changed for the better for this reason: I've gained insight into taking steps toward personal growth by accepting three facts that inspire my comfort zone to expand, little by little: We can't be all things to all people; one person can't meet all of my needs, and each time I figure out how to meet my needs in a well-balanced fashion, my sense of self awareness in enhanced, and rather than feel selfish, I feel healthy.
At those times when inner conflict escalates, intuition suggests that if my intolerance to handle anxiety closes the door on brainstorming, too quickly, then something of great value may be irretrievably lost, unnecessarily. In short, rather than allowing one side of my mind to win this battle for dominance over the other, too quickly, I've learned to tolerate anxiety as a signal that my subconscious is working to pass a deeper truth, which I've yet to grasp, into my conscious mind. Actually, I think that last sentence defines the meaning of insight.
If, during times of inner conflict, anxiety compels me to close the door, too quickly, on some thing or someone who is deeply loved, I experience a sense of loss, which weighs heavy on my heart, mind and spirit. Remember that book, Necessary Losses? Well, someone should write a book titled Unnecessary Losses for this reason: Ever since I've gained insight into the fact that narrow comfort zones cause us to experience unnecessary loss, it's made sense to quest toward deeper truths, which inspire me to balance the wide range of emotions that vie for space inside my mind.
As my soulful quest to understand emotional complexity deepens, over time, my spirit has learned to focus on positivity, which inspires my heart and mind to work as one, and each time all aspects of my being focus upon a path where compassion for everyone concerned is equally considered, another simple plan emerges from the solution-seeking portion of my brain. As the simplicity of these heartfelt plans prove highly successful, time and again, peace of mind replaces inner conflict, naturally, all around …
Okay—stop rolling your eyes and—tell yourself the truth—seriously: Have you never experienced a time in your life when you'd faced a choice that made your spirit fall to its knees, because the harsh realities of life hit home really, really hard? Well, what if at that time of personal crises, all you'd needed to change your mind set was a simple plan which had not yet emerged from your … soul? Do you realize that the magic of the mind actually exists? That miracles occur when mere mortals feel inspired to set aside nonsensical 'shoulds' in favor of consulting with the spirits of sages, who fly around the world in hopes of educating the masses by way of imparting self empowering messages, which prove universal, classic and timeless?
When I speak of inner conflict, I'm not referencing 'good' fighting against 'evil' but rather logic, swirling within a stew pot where tumultuous emotions defy understanding, because anxiety grows so great as to cause you to slam the door on your think tank, too quickly, and in this way do we force honest emotion to retreat to a place of repression too deep for the conscious portion of the mind to fathom—and guess what? Repressed emotion suggests repressed needs, and as repressing personal needs is not healthy, something's got to give … and since I know that to be true, we'll continue to dissect my quest into self discovery by diving so deep into my mind as to retrieve memories, post by post, thus allowing my conscious mind to make well-rounded decisions, today, by balancing my needs in healthy ways with the needs of those I love. Whew!
Though my energy source is not fully charged, I feel like writing, so if you choose to ride sidekick, we'll see where my train of thought takes us, today.
In recent posts, you've played witness to turbulence taking control over my mind when inner conflict, concerning Mom's unspoken need of my presence at her party seemed to crash into Will's unspoken need of me to be strong. You've watched my anxious state of mind grow ever more confounded, because that which had distressed me most of all escaped detection until I'd muscled my way through my own defensive wall, thus identifying the unnamed fear, which had undermined my sense of safety..
As I'd feared disappointing Mom and Will, my most important values, both of which prove vital to my spirit's survival, had dueled for dominance inside my head (be true to those you love/be true to yourself), and while engaged in that duel, my mind felt as tortured as a body tearing in half on a medieval rack until insight into freedom to place 'shoulds' aside and think for myself offered my downcast spirit sound reason to figure out how to expand my comfort zone, thus freeing my mind to be true to fulfilling my needs without dismissing the needs of those I love ...
Over most of my life, I'd felt guilty when my needs conflicted with whatever my loved ones had needed of me. Today, that has changed for the better for this reason: I've gained insight into taking steps toward personal growth by accepting three facts that inspire my comfort zone to expand, little by little: We can't be all things to all people; one person can't meet all of my needs, and each time I figure out how to meet my needs in a well-balanced fashion, my sense of self awareness in enhanced, and rather than feel selfish, I feel healthy.
At those times when inner conflict escalates, intuition suggests that if my intolerance to handle anxiety closes the door on brainstorming, too quickly, then something of great value may be irretrievably lost, unnecessarily. In short, rather than allowing one side of my mind to win this battle for dominance over the other, too quickly, I've learned to tolerate anxiety as a signal that my subconscious is working to pass a deeper truth, which I've yet to grasp, into my conscious mind. Actually, I think that last sentence defines the meaning of insight.
If, during times of inner conflict, anxiety compels me to close the door, too quickly, on some thing or someone who is deeply loved, I experience a sense of loss, which weighs heavy on my heart, mind and spirit. Remember that book, Necessary Losses? Well, someone should write a book titled Unnecessary Losses for this reason: Ever since I've gained insight into the fact that narrow comfort zones cause us to experience unnecessary loss, it's made sense to quest toward deeper truths, which inspire me to balance the wide range of emotions that vie for space inside my mind.
As my soulful quest to understand emotional complexity deepens, over time, my spirit has learned to focus on positivity, which inspires my heart and mind to work as one, and each time all aspects of my being focus upon a path where compassion for everyone concerned is equally considered, another simple plan emerges from the solution-seeking portion of my brain. As the simplicity of these heartfelt plans prove highly successful, time and again, peace of mind replaces inner conflict, naturally, all around …
Okay—stop rolling your eyes and—tell yourself the truth—seriously: Have you never experienced a time in your life when you'd faced a choice that made your spirit fall to its knees, because the harsh realities of life hit home really, really hard? Well, what if at that time of personal crises, all you'd needed to change your mind set was a simple plan which had not yet emerged from your … soul? Do you realize that the magic of the mind actually exists? That miracles occur when mere mortals feel inspired to set aside nonsensical 'shoulds' in favor of consulting with the spirits of sages, who fly around the world in hopes of educating the masses by way of imparting self empowering messages, which prove universal, classic and timeless?
When I speak of inner conflict, I'm not referencing 'good' fighting against 'evil' but rather logic, swirling within a stew pot where tumultuous emotions defy understanding, because anxiety grows so great as to cause you to slam the door on your think tank, too quickly, and in this way do we force honest emotion to retreat to a place of repression too deep for the conscious portion of the mind to fathom—and guess what? Repressed emotion suggests repressed needs, and as repressing personal needs is not healthy, something's got to give … and since I know that to be true, we'll continue to dissect my quest into self discovery by diving so deep into my mind as to retrieve memories, post by post, thus allowing my conscious mind to make well-rounded decisions, today, by balancing my needs in healthy ways with the needs of those I love. Whew!
BTW, if you wonder at my driving the concept of solving complex problems with simple plans ever more deeply into your head, here's the reason why I feel the need to do that, repeatedly:
Our brains are pre-programmed to fear negative consequences to save us from leaping blindly off cliffs. On the other hand, we are also born with potential to absorb solution seeking tools that conjure up plans which set negatively focused thoughts aside in favor of meeting personal needs without taking needless risks, and here is the reason why I show up, every day: I hope to emphasize the importance of exercising the problem-solving portion of our minds much more often than allowing anxiety to limit our scope to the point of closing the door on loving expansively, meaning free of undeserved guilt
Having described the depth of my quest to understand my emotional reactions over recent months, you can believe me when I say that my state of mind would still be in a bad way had I not developed the self trust to never give up on understanding that which I can't yet fathom about my own nartural, emotional complexities, no matter what unexpected experience life offers up, next—I mean, from what I hear, this path toward old age is not for sissies—and thus do I plan to adventure through this last stage of my life with my eyes open so wide as to ensure that at those times when fear of disappointing others makes me feel too anxious to think clearly, I take a time out to calm myself down in hopes that my heart, mind and generosity of spirit will, once again, work as a whole to conjure up a simple plan where needs are considered, all around.
As I can't finish today's post with this melancholy thought of life winding down, let's percolate upon this upbeat train of thought, instead:
There's no reason for fear to close the door on this one for this reason and on that one for that reason, when in truth, the heart, mind and spirit have the capacity to love equally both here and there.
You see, just as our brains come equipped with cells enough to absorb new information over our lifetimes, our hearts are naturally expansive, suggesting that love in it's purest, most mature form erects no walls in need of taking down. Once again, it's the mind's narrow comfort zones, which are in need of expansion if that which we were taught to feel guilty about during childhood is offered the chance to live and breathe freely once we grow so insightful as to think clearly for ourselves.
If at this point you ask: Annie, how in the world do you expand your own mindsets, I'd reply—When stymied, I know whom to go to for help, because expanding comfort zones suggests that two heads may prove better than one :)
And as that train of thought pulls into an upbeat station, I'll rest my tired mind after clarifying one more detail ...
Perhaps you've noticed that at times Cary's gender switches from he to she, and here's why that makes sense: Cary is actually two people. Cary, the man, is a geriatric therapist who helps me to understand troubling changes that began to take place between my mother and me after the death of my dad. Cary, the woman, is a therapist who is trained in EMDR. In the interest of writing with clarity and brevity, I began to bond their insights together, because for the most part, their combined words of wisdom, which I hope to impart to you, coax me to expand mind sets that kept me stuck in places that proved too narrow for my spirit to fly free of guilt …
And with that said, I hope you are enjoying a five star day ...
Your friend, Annie
Having described the depth of my quest to understand my emotional reactions over recent months, you can believe me when I say that my state of mind would still be in a bad way had I not developed the self trust to never give up on understanding that which I can't yet fathom about my own nartural, emotional complexities, no matter what unexpected experience life offers up, next—I mean, from what I hear, this path toward old age is not for sissies—and thus do I plan to adventure through this last stage of my life with my eyes open so wide as to ensure that at those times when fear of disappointing others makes me feel too anxious to think clearly, I take a time out to calm myself down in hopes that my heart, mind and generosity of spirit will, once again, work as a whole to conjure up a simple plan where needs are considered, all around.
As I can't finish today's post with this melancholy thought of life winding down, let's percolate upon this upbeat train of thought, instead:
There's no reason for fear to close the door on this one for this reason and on that one for that reason, when in truth, the heart, mind and spirit have the capacity to love equally both here and there.
You see, just as our brains come equipped with cells enough to absorb new information over our lifetimes, our hearts are naturally expansive, suggesting that love in it's purest, most mature form erects no walls in need of taking down. Once again, it's the mind's narrow comfort zones, which are in need of expansion if that which we were taught to feel guilty about during childhood is offered the chance to live and breathe freely once we grow so insightful as to think clearly for ourselves.
If at this point you ask: Annie, how in the world do you expand your own mindsets, I'd reply—When stymied, I know whom to go to for help, because expanding comfort zones suggests that two heads may prove better than one :)
And as that train of thought pulls into an upbeat station, I'll rest my tired mind after clarifying one more detail ...
Perhaps you've noticed that at times Cary's gender switches from he to she, and here's why that makes sense: Cary is actually two people. Cary, the man, is a geriatric therapist who helps me to understand troubling changes that began to take place between my mother and me after the death of my dad. Cary, the woman, is a therapist who is trained in EMDR. In the interest of writing with clarity and brevity, I began to bond their insights together, because for the most part, their combined words of wisdom, which I hope to impart to you, coax me to expand mind sets that kept me stuck in places that proved too narrow for my spirit to fly free of guilt …
And with that said, I hope you are enjoying a five star day ...
Your friend, Annie
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