It's not THE FINGER, itself, that lands this solid sucker punch to my heart. It's the fury in Joseph's eyes that fries our friendship to a crisp. In short, while backing against the cloak room wall, fighting tears, instinct suggests it's bite the bullet time, because this boy's sense of betrayal has wrestled trust to the mat. And though it's true that misunderstanding had caused trust to suffer an accidental demise—
Generally, trust is injured when two people engage in a clash of needs, which causes a series of misunderstandings arise. If we liken misunderstandings to accidental head on collisions, then injuries incurred are not due to consciously calculated, cold hearted malice. And that's why insight suggests that injured parties consider a series of blows as critical rather than fatal. In the absence of insight, one accident is all it takes for a couple of insecure kids to call it quits.
As I've not been a kid for quite some time, and since my mind remains spongy enough to bounce, I'm writing this blog in hopes of inspiring others to bounce back after a series of head on collisions—caused by anger, fear, negative focus or exhaustion—has occurred. On the other hand, being spongy doesn't mean I choose to cozy up with negative attitudes, which continue to manipulate my hard won strengths into something they're not. As it's not smart to subject my spirit or heart to negativity except when necessary, I can forgive what's past while distancing from more of the same. (Many years ago, one of my kids was housebound for weeks. As a buddy stopped by every day, I commended him on being a very good friend. His reply to my comment went something like this: What's good is friendship if you're not really good at it?) A good friend is one who walks in in hopes of lifting your spirit while the whispers of others, engaged in putting you down, circle round.
With that thought in mind, let's return to that boulder barreling downhill. Let's assume that the heart of a relationship is embedded within that boulder, which may continue to barrel downhill until the relationship hits bottom. At that point, if the relationship is lucky, the boulder may hit a wall, crack open, and if the heart of that relationship manages to crawl out, injured but alive, perhaps the up hill process of healing may begin.
For example, if both sides 'make-up' for lost time by waving white flags, thus supporting each other's climb, then an ever deepening sense of mutual trust may welcome two weary travelers, who have developed the readiness to respect each other's needs, less judgmentally and thus more compassionately (and consistently) than ever before. Hard work but worth every up hill effort, if a positively focused partnership of both hearts results.
Unfortunately as the future unfolds, Annie and Joseph will struggle with this problem: They'll not have developed the insight to identify fearfully focused, defensive mind games that people of all ages play. And as a result of negative attitudes, each player continues to repeat self defeating mistakes. In short, during moments fraught with tension, the players' reactions will lean toward anxiety rather than courage.
Unfortunately, adults are not known for tolerate anxiety, any better than their kids. So each time opportunity knocks on one door or the other—hoping to encourage two hearts to connect with trust, once more—fear trumps love. And if negative attitudes remain strong, on one side, the wisest course of action may be separation—even at those times when the pilot light, igniting hope, is still on.
As you can see, when mind games go unrecognized, no positive change is gained and painful misunderstandings—which leave everyone who cares as deeply pained and mixed up as ever—may not straighten out. When that's the case and mind games worsen—divorce court may seem the only way out.
No pain, no gain is one thing. No gain, no change, more pain is crushing.
Light bulb time! I've just figured out why my spirit had plum worn out after pouring too much energy into helping others push boulders, which refused to budge. For decades on end, I'd tried to do the work of two.
Today, the only boulders I work to crack open are the ones that keep shrinking inside my head, because the more they shrink, the more room I have for insights to slide in. And what could feel as validating as moving forward on this positive path where insight injects my mind with peace, my heart with love, my spirt with flight, and my soul with compassion—which leads to forgiveness as well as discretion—and that's the truth.
So what has this path led my relationships? Well, some time ago, an insight switched on this light in my mind: Though I can't hurry boulders to shrink inside any head but my own, I can listen, openly and reply calmly, rather than defensively, when loved ones are asking me questions or asserting their opinions. Each time I see another spirit light up—as though fireflies are flitting here and there inside their minds—every fiber of my mind, heart, body and spirit cheers them on—just as I'd hope they'd do for me.
As to other times, when I watch loved ones running in circles on wheels, during troubled times, one side of my brain reminds the other to please pass the 'mustered' ... because I need to muster the patience to stand in the wings, watching whatever drama is taking place, scene by scene, on center stage—until I receive a cue that my opinion is welcome. And not until then do I 'act' upon what I think.
Needless to say, a pair of twelve year olds have not acquired spotlights of insight into the ways that primary reactions, such as fear, snowball into expressions of anger. So just as Joseph will have 'misread' Annie's fear in the alley as angry rejection, Annie will have translated the fires of Joseph's humiliation—as hatred.
If you agree that attitude is everything then it's easy to see how two negatively focused attitudes will miss every love signal that each will continue to send to the other after Annie collects her wits, walks out of the cloak room and enters the classroom, where she takes her seat, not far from Joseph's. And thus, when the bell rings, round two will begin...
Trust is the heart beat of friendship.
Once trust suffers a fatal blow, two heavy hearts no longer beat as one. In short, accident or not, dead is dead. Nuff said. Except for this: Years ago, when the rough draft of this story poured out of a sad spot in my heart I came to see myself as a person whose love lasts forever—and forever includes those rocky times when love feels as bumpy and numb—as a boulder, barreling down hill.Generally, trust is injured when two people engage in a clash of needs, which causes a series of misunderstandings arise. If we liken misunderstandings to accidental head on collisions, then injuries incurred are not due to consciously calculated, cold hearted malice. And that's why insight suggests that injured parties consider a series of blows as critical rather than fatal. In the absence of insight, one accident is all it takes for a couple of insecure kids to call it quits.
As I've not been a kid for quite some time, and since my mind remains spongy enough to bounce, I'm writing this blog in hopes of inspiring others to bounce back after a series of head on collisions—caused by anger, fear, negative focus or exhaustion—has occurred. On the other hand, being spongy doesn't mean I choose to cozy up with negative attitudes, which continue to manipulate my hard won strengths into something they're not. As it's not smart to subject my spirit or heart to negativity except when necessary, I can forgive what's past while distancing from more of the same. (Many years ago, one of my kids was housebound for weeks. As a buddy stopped by every day, I commended him on being a very good friend. His reply to my comment went something like this: What's good is friendship if you're not really good at it?) A good friend is one who walks in in hopes of lifting your spirit while the whispers of others, engaged in putting you down, circle round.
With that thought in mind, let's return to that boulder barreling downhill. Let's assume that the heart of a relationship is embedded within that boulder, which may continue to barrel downhill until the relationship hits bottom. At that point, if the relationship is lucky, the boulder may hit a wall, crack open, and if the heart of that relationship manages to crawl out, injured but alive, perhaps the up hill process of healing may begin.
For example, if both sides 'make-up' for lost time by waving white flags, thus supporting each other's climb, then an ever deepening sense of mutual trust may welcome two weary travelers, who have developed the readiness to respect each other's needs, less judgmentally and thus more compassionately (and consistently) than ever before. Hard work but worth every up hill effort, if a positively focused partnership of both hearts results.
Unfortunately as the future unfolds, Annie and Joseph will struggle with this problem: They'll not have developed the insight to identify fearfully focused, defensive mind games that people of all ages play. And as a result of negative attitudes, each player continues to repeat self defeating mistakes. In short, during moments fraught with tension, the players' reactions will lean toward anxiety rather than courage.
Unfortunately, adults are not known for tolerate anxiety, any better than their kids. So each time opportunity knocks on one door or the other—hoping to encourage two hearts to connect with trust, once more—fear trumps love. And if negative attitudes remain strong, on one side, the wisest course of action may be separation—even at those times when the pilot light, igniting hope, is still on.
As you can see, when mind games go unrecognized, no positive change is gained and painful misunderstandings—which leave everyone who cares as deeply pained and mixed up as ever—may not straighten out. When that's the case and mind games worsen—divorce court may seem the only way out.
No pain, no gain is one thing. No gain, no change, more pain is crushing.
Light bulb time! I've just figured out why my spirit had plum worn out after pouring too much energy into helping others push boulders, which refused to budge. For decades on end, I'd tried to do the work of two.
Today, the only boulders I work to crack open are the ones that keep shrinking inside my head, because the more they shrink, the more room I have for insights to slide in. And what could feel as validating as moving forward on this positive path where insight injects my mind with peace, my heart with love, my spirt with flight, and my soul with compassion—which leads to forgiveness as well as discretion—and that's the truth.
So what has this path led my relationships? Well, some time ago, an insight switched on this light in my mind: Though I can't hurry boulders to shrink inside any head but my own, I can listen, openly and reply calmly, rather than defensively, when loved ones are asking me questions or asserting their opinions. Each time I see another spirit light up—as though fireflies are flitting here and there inside their minds—every fiber of my mind, heart, body and spirit cheers them on—just as I'd hope they'd do for me.
As to other times, when I watch loved ones running in circles on wheels, during troubled times, one side of my brain reminds the other to please pass the 'mustered' ... because I need to muster the patience to stand in the wings, watching whatever drama is taking place, scene by scene, on center stage—until I receive a cue that my opinion is welcome. And not until then do I 'act' upon what I think.
Needless to say, a pair of twelve year olds have not acquired spotlights of insight into the ways that primary reactions, such as fear, snowball into expressions of anger. So just as Joseph will have 'misread' Annie's fear in the alley as angry rejection, Annie will have translated the fires of Joseph's humiliation—as hatred.
If you agree that attitude is everything then it's easy to see how two negatively focused attitudes will miss every love signal that each will continue to send to the other after Annie collects her wits, walks out of the cloak room and enters the classroom, where she takes her seat, not far from Joseph's. And thus, when the bell rings, round two will begin...
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