Sooo—I need to stop suggesting what to expect before each next post appears on your screen, because the fact of the matter is this: No matter what I had originally planned to write, intuitive trains of thought, percolating, overnight, redirect my conscious mind to awaken at sunrise with need to pen freshly emergent strings of insights for this reason: During each writing process, I come to understand some aspect of whatever drives me 'to do this rather than that' more deeply than had been possible before each new string of insights filters through my wall of denial. So, though I'd planned to write a detailed description, highlighting my new found ability to nip a sudden eruption of PTSD in the bud, I'm about to switch tracks with hopes that you, too, may find this next string of insights, which proves to be a compilation of new, woven with those that came before, as intriguing as was true for me—so okay—here they come, one by one:
Let's say that your brain fools you into thinking that you know what's causing you to feel guilty of this or that when deeper truth suggests that the primary catalyst, which has caused your anxiety to spike (over most of your life), is still hiding just beneath the surface of conscious awareness within a subconscious pocket of your mind. And let's say that your power of intuition has not yet aroused your curiosity to sense an inner need to quest, consciously, toward correlating a terrifying childhood experience that left you feeling so shamefully devastated as to have summoned your defense system to block your conscious awareness from acknowledging this fear: The terrifying nature of that experience shattered your sense of personal safety so completely as to have traumatized a portion of your mind into misbelieving yourself to be so bad as to feel unworthy of love unless you walk the narrow tightrope of perfection, every single day of your life, and since feeling unworthy of love scares (scars) a child's self esteem half to death, Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, directed your defense system to erect the first layer of your wall of denial, which, to this very day, blinds your conscious mind from growing aware of how often the festering nature of that terrifying childhood experience provokes a latent sense of guilt to arise, most especially T those times when your misperceived self assessment so much as thinks to lift one foot off of the tight rope of perfection upon which you have felt need to tread ever since your unidentified fear of imperfection threatened your traumatized sense of safety with sliding down a slippery slope into that same black hole, where a beloved adult's over-reaction smote your self perception to darken so drastically as to cause you to misbelieve that the only way to save yourself from feeling cast out, all alone, feeling miserably confounded by complexities that prove inherent to life and love was to close the door on the overwhelming nature of that fear by fastening denial's blinders to either side of your eyes, empowering denial to stuff the existential nature of your soul's longing to satisfy your spirit's most profoundly personal unmet needs inside a subconscious pocket of your mind, and as long as you wear those blinders, you'll continue to trot through each stage of life with no conscious clue of how much you need to cling to that high wired, false sense of safety, which perfection seems to guarantee, though deeper truth suggests that your soulful power of intuition has continued to coax your conscious awareness to wander off the beaten path of the safe and narrow by stimulating your curiosity to ponder over wondrous experiences that might have been yours to enjoy had subconscious fear of imperfection been swept aside. freeing conscious awareness to call forth the courage that proves necessary to remove denial's blinders and reconsider a closed mindset that has refused every invitation to explore the road not taken in hopes of freeing your innermost, unmet needs to express themselves more openly than had been possible before your higher power of intuition had felt stimulated to kick in and flip the light switch from darkly colored, tightly wired, unconscious negativity toward spotlighting the terrifying childhood experience that caused your bright sense of inner balance to darken so unexpectedly as to stuff the deeply wounded aspects of your self esteem into the dank chill of that black hole of subconscious despair where your primary source of anxiety waits to pounce on your spirit so heavily as to sink your positive attitude along with the sum of your strengths into layers of emotional quicksand grown so thick, over the years, as to feel as though warmth, sunlight and the freedom to liberate your truest existential self may never see the dawning of a brand new state of mind, until—an utterly mesmerizing experience flies in from out of the blue, blowing your safe sense of complacency right out of your mind, alerting your sleepy intuition to re-awaken and shine deeply soulful, yet high spirited spotlights onto strings of insight, based in specific moments of hindsight, which offer your conscious sense of self awareness reason to gain the foresight to make changes for the better by releasing a lifetime of subconscious pain, born of undeserved guilt, concerning those aspects of your self perception, which have been in need of brightening and re-balancing, pretty much forever. WHEW!
As walking the slippery tightrope of perfection is a harrowing way to approach each next stage of your life, may I respectfully suggest that there's no time like the present to reconsider this fact: Though we may be surrounded by loved ones, ignoring our soulful need for existential enrichment proves a lonely path, which is why common sense so often notes that a pair of intelligent, well educated heads may serve to expand the brainstorming scope of both ...
Since the emergence of subconscious fear, left unprocessed and thus, unhealed during childhood is often the culprit that makes us feel anxious about what we are doing if what we are doing falls short of that which social convention has deemed to be perfect then deeper truth suggests that though we may feel guilty of wrong doing, that which we are choosing to do is not actually wrong for us ... and as two individuals work to develop the emotional stability that proves necessary to differentiate between that which feels wrong from that which is wrong, peace of mind gained is more readily maintained.
Each time I remember to take into account how little I've come to understand about the complex, inter-related functions of both sides of my brain (the narrow minded, fear-based defensively passive, silenced-by-denial side vs the open minded, expansively adventurous, courageously dynamic side that clearly identifies and gives voice to my soul's highly individualized unmet needs), I think to ask myself this question: Have I been feeling spikes of anxiety, because intuitive thought is attempting to alert my conscious mind of my existential need to remove denial's blinders in favor of opening my eyes to refocusing my attention upon deepening my comprehension of self awareness so that I do not invite painful eruptions of yesteryear's unexamined fears to condemn my best character traits so harshly as to bind my think tank to a closed mindset that lashes my darkened self assessment with a latent sense of (undeserved) guilt, repeatedly ...
In short: The nature of peace of mind depends upon gaining an ever deepening understanding of the brain's impulsive reactions that free subconscious fears to arouse anxiety to spike, distorting our sense of clarity so quickly that before we can blink twice, the light switch inside our heads turns our little corner of the world from cozy, warm and sunny to feeling so fearfully cold, dark and dank as to send anxious chills running down our spines ... in short, the more we come to understand the turbulent ocean of emotional complexity churning just beneath the surface of conscious awareness, the more readily we grow capable of quelling anxious stabs of self imposed guilt that threatens our waiting sense of safety for reasons, which prove other than that which we perceive as true ... And thus is it important to note that sudden spikes of subconscious fear can swirl the most intelligent, well balanced thought processor into such a mind-dizzying spin as to imagine a walk around a peaceful pond as suddenly feeling sucked into a shark tank with no way to climb out of this darkened state of mind, suggesting that you don't have to be in recovery from PTSD for subconscious guilt, left raw, unhealed and festering during childhood, to emerge, capsizing your adult sense of reality to the point of snapping your self worth into bite sized pieces as quickly as proved true of me, though the mind injured to the point of having been diagnosed with PTSD may swirl, ever more anxiously within that black hole, for weeks, and as that experience has swallowed my strengths more than once—Quoth the Raven: Nevermore, because I have done the work necessary to grow past guilting my soul, undeservedly, by way of calling forth my Line of Control to rein in the negatively fearful side of my imagination, which otherwise tends to paint my character traits as much darker than clarity, concerning reality, proves to be true.
If you ask what makes my intelligence believe that my intuitive powers have grown so hyper vigilant as to steer my think tank away from experiencing future eruptions of PTSD, which would otherwise drown my high-spirited sense of personal safety in anxiesty's swirling whirlpools of inexplicable confusion for weeks, I'd reply: Life is short, and as much of my life has already been spent, that fact strengthens my resolve to consciously tame my defense system's natural reactiveness each time a sudden eruption of subconscious fear threatens to capsize my sense of clarity's hold onto reality so quickly that my think tank feels sucked down into that black hole of despair where the traumatized portion of my brain spins my self assessment into such a dizzied distortion of the adult, whom I've chosen to grow up to be, that I can't for the life of me stop my sanity from slip-sliding half way into the emotional madness that confounded my undeveloped think tank when I was three and could make no sense of loved ones disappearing, left and right .... (Thank goodness, I've recently learned that a natural uprising of subconscious fear comes and goes, whereas an episode of unidentified PTSD can swirl my sense of personal safety ever more deeply into that shark tank, 24/7—for weeks.)
When next we meet, please place thinking cap on head in order to focus the sum of your smarts toward absorbing whatever intuitive thought directs me to write knowing full well that I hope my sense of readiness will tap into a detailed description of a recent moment in time when my need to tame a sudden eruption of inexplicable anxiety, which had seemed to make no sense, proved 100% effective. And as you can imagine, no other goal that I've worked to achieve has ever made me feel as self empowered as had been true when my quest toward self discovery served to strengthen my connection to self awareness to the point of watching my most recent learning curve take a leap of faith toward successfully rescuing the traumatized portion of a good little girl's brain from being sucked into another lengthy, deeply painful subconscious episode of undeserved guilt!
Boy! I sure do hope that after reviewing today's train of thought, I'll feel peacefully pleased to see that each sentence flowed out of my mind on a well-balanced stream of clarity. The last thing I want to feel is compelled to rewrite today's string of insights as many times as proved true of the complex stream of consciousness published, last Friday. As to what will pour out of my mind, tomorrow—well, hopefully readiness will describe the moment in time when, functioning as a whole, my mental strengths stopped a sudden eruption of PTSD from high jacking my sense of clarity—and hooray for that change for the better, which saw conscious awareness switching tracks so quickly as make my self assessment stand up and cheer: Hip Hip Hooray for my newly expanded, Line of Control, which saved the day in the nick of time!
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