So, yesterday, I ran out of time before
Finishing this next train of thought:
BTW, have I mentioned that ...
While standing before Will, straight and 'tall' as though
Symbolizing the fact that a portion of my think tank was
In the process of grounding my sense of wholeness to
Stand on my own two feet, my self assessment was
Taking a huge leap of faith, by investing
My host of personal strengths with a deeper sense of
Self confident determination to free my sunny spirit from
Plunging so suddenly into future episodes of PTSD, which
Had formerly sucked my think tank into
The darkly stormy whirlpool of unnamed despair so
Completely that over the next several weeks, I, feeling
Mentally daunted, emotionally dispirited and
Physically exhausted from relentless muscular tension
Could do nothing more than free intuitive trains of
Thought to tunnel ever more deeply through
Layers of denial until insight ignited, cracking
Through the next layer of my defensive wall, freeing
That ghost-like detail, which had leaped out of and
Then back into subconscious (forgotten) memory
So quickly as to scare my conscious mind half
Out of my wits before my think tank could register that
Fearsome detail in conscious memory, so the fact that
I could not remember how our alarm functions but
Did remember the rape dream, suggests that this
Most recent (briefest) episode of PTSD proved
Different from all that came before, because
The sudden uprising of yesteryear's unidentified fear
Did not swallow my think tank whole, answering why
The courage of my convictions, ringing right out loud as
Clear as a bell, inspired my inner strengths to empower
The self assertive portion of my voice with the natural vitality to
Jet propel these next heartfelt statements through the air as though
Straight from the depths of my soul:
NO ONE'S EVER GOING TO THROW ME IN THE GARBAGE, AGAIN!
AND I'LL NEVER THROW MYSELF IN THE GARBAGE IF I CAN'T
WIN A LOVED ONE'S SMILE!
On the other hand, if the truth be told, I did not
Go on to state aloud, every additional declaration of
Change for the better written into the story, because
Deeper truth suggests that all of those declarations
Were embodied within the 'no more garbage' statements, which
Saw my strength of spirit liberating my whole self from
The subconsciously self imposed, unidentified life sentence of
Bondage that had charged the innocent mind of a child of three
Guilty of such unforgivable 'crimes' as to have
Condemned herself to walk through life with
A bag over her head, blinding her conscious awareness from
Acknowledging the mental block that had not offered
The adult she grew to be even one clue of the fact that
Before her third birthday, a portion of her brain had been
Sucked into a bottomless black hole, where
Behind her sparkling persona MY self confident smile would
Drown, from time to time, in whirlpools of silent tears flooding
Forth from a place of unidentified anguish during
The dark of night until EMDR therapy empowered
My conscious mind to tap ever more deeply into
My intuitive power of self trust, which
Partnering with patience, emotional intelligence, and
Knowledge set out on a mindful quest that has
Rummaged through the closet of my mind in hopes of
Finding the misplaced set of skeleton keys, which have been
Unlocking door after door within each next layer of
My defense system's wall of denial, until, ultimately
My mental block has felt reason to ease enough to release
Forgotten details, which have been stealthily conveyed from
Subconscious storage on trains of consciousness raising
Intuitive thoughts, which offer me insight into parcels of
Baggage in serious need of unloading, thus empowering
The conscious mind of the adult I have grown to be to
Take the bag off my head, thus freeing
The sweet natured, traumatized three year old child
(Whose deeply repressed, darkened self assessment had
Subconsciously emerged as frightened spikes anxiety)
To take hold of my self confident hand as, together
The knowledgable adult and wide eyed innocence of
The traumatized child I had been, conspire with the power of
Intuition to continue to clear baggage out of
Subconscious storage files, where upon my restrengthening
Sense of wholesomeness works to carve a well balanced
Path upon which change for the better has taken
Countless small steps toward achieving
This huge leap of faith that has (hopefully) freed us both from
Yesteryear's haunting, daughting unnamed fear of never being
Good enough to feel worthy of love—toward feeling
Every bit as worthy of love as she and I, embracing
Our newfound sense of wholeness, feel worthy of self respect, and
Fortunately, this most current leap of faith took place before
I boarded that jet to the Midwest on Friday, so by the time
I'd landed in my home town, where I hugged
My extended family, close to my heart
My spirit sang with a deeper sense of inner repose than
Had been possible over these past seven decades, ever since
Grandpa's and Janet's inexplicable disappearances had served to
Stunt a portion of my psyche's personal growth with PTSD, which
Thank goodness, has finally been correctly diagnosed, because
The smart heart of a tot can't heal from severe internal injuries until
The main source of the mind and spirit's raw, oozing wounds have been
Revealed, and now that my power of intuition has pulled this
Insight-driven train of thought into today's rest station, perhaps
Upon awakening, tomorrow, I'll have time to create change for the better by
Simplifying complex trains of thought, thus easing our absorption
Of strings of insight, which emerged when intuition signaled me of
Readiness to share AN ALARMING SHORT STORY with you
Then again, it's possible that between today and tomorrow
Fate will step in and redirect my mind toward
Formulating a whole different plan, and with that thought in mind
I am reminded, yet again, why patience and flexibility partner up ...
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