My forehead, which I've come to liken to
An elastic band, squeezing my frontal lobe as though to
Push a visceral memory through a crack in
My defensive wall, signaling my conscious awareness of
Intuitive readiness, heating up the first in
A new string of insights, simulating
The first piece of popcorn readying itself to
Pop out of its kernel, offering my conscious mind
Its first glimpse of the next missing piece of
My puzzle, which is still stored within
A pocket of my subconscious where
Disassociation from fear, anger and conscious
Memory of assault had protected a child's psyche from
Experiencing mental agony too complex for
My undeveloped think tank to process, much less absorb
Please honk your horn if you remember that
Intuitive trains of thought, connecting
My subconscious with my conscious mind
Pretty much pen every post that
Chugs out of my brain, suggesting my having
Little conscious awareness, right now, of which
Next string of insights is pushing against
My wall of denial, feeding my need to release
Each one to chug out of my tunnel of
Darkness and onto my screen and then yours, where
Day by day, my ever-expanding band of personal strengths
Will work as one entity, whittling away at
A mountain of fear until my growing sense of
Self empowerment grows so confident as to
Overpower the haunting nature of whatever
That pedofile did that terrified my vulnerability, repeatedly
BTW—If you think I had a clue of intuition writing
The insight above upon re-awakening at 8:30am
Please straighten your thinking cap and
Listen astutely to what instinct cautioned my train of
Thought to do, concerning switching tracks, when
Intuitive thought, sensing my heightened level of
Emotional maturity, directed my internal
Readiness to openly confront my need to
Climb up this next mountain of subconscious fear where
Emergent insights, concerning sexual assault, are
Sure to blow my mind unless my band of
Inner strengths has had time to fully re-energize before
Inspiring my conscious awareness to ready itself
To accept the mission of re-awakening my need to
Write whatever train of intuitive thought had felt eager to deliver
Insight to my conscious mind before
The dawning of this morning's light at 4am:
Rather than reaching for my stylus and iPad, as
Had often been my 4am habit, instinct created
Change for the better by signaling my awareness to
Make sound use of my resuscitated, self assertive voice and
With resounding clarity I heard my innermost self say: NO!
Do not pick up iPad and stylus ...
Not because I sensed a sudden spike of overwhelming fear but
Because common sense sensed that my brain still feels
Too tuckered to muster the courage and patience necessary to confront a
Series of insights, concerning. horrid details that
Would cause visceral tension to erupt and
Spike, again and again, if I fail to respect my brain's
Need of rest, and thus does today's intuitive train of thought
Sense the maturational progression of my host of
Personal strengths, which, having banded together has
Developed the ability to act in my best interests, most
Especially at those times when life offers me
Reason to react in a healthier, better-balanced
Much more mentally focused manner than
Had been possible each time an unidentified
Spike of anxiety usurped control over my think tank as had
Proved true whenever the devisive conflict, separating
My think tank into two polarized parts, had unknowingly pitted
A deeply troubled little girl's need to hide every memory
Of mental or physical terror that had confounded
Her undeveloped ability to fathom any of life's
Complexities in the closet of her subconscious against
My super sleuth's accumulation of adult, solution-seeking skills
So what, you might ask, has changed for the better?
Well, with clarity intact, concerning my expansive
Band of inner strengths, my think tank has gained reason to
Replace fear of reliving yesteryear's pain with
A whale-sized portion of confidence, thus
Offering my whole brain sound reason to take this leap faith:
The healthy portion of my adult brain has
Recently been empowered to stop sudden strikes of
Anxiety from shooting so high as to knock out my smarts, and
Once my smarts and refortified personal strengths
Walk hand in hand, my future decisions will take
My personal needs into account without undeserved guilt running
Interference with peace of mind, and knowing myself to have been
A very good little girl, I'll not allow polarized views of my
Self image distort my view of my innocence when
My rested mind begins to identify intuition's growing
Sense of readiness to release trains of thought, which
Are currently (think electric current, signaling
My conscious mind to ready itself to wake up and
Smell the coffee, which has been
Brewing, subconsciously, behind a locked door where
Horrific memories were forbidden to percolate enough to
Terrify the traumatized portion of my mind until
Such time as my most admirable character traits had
Banded together to create a force of inner strength so
Self empowered as to calm any sudden strike of
Anxiety, based in 'forgotten' memories of
The pedofile grabbing me, releasing yesteryear's
Deeply buried terror to ride out of subconscious storage on
A freight train, filled with refuse, bound for
A rest station where this last scary skeleton will be
Swept out of my closet, once and for all!
So, though an intuitive sense of subconscious readiness
Began to dawn, this morning at 4am, my smarts
Remained aware of my current need to
Rest my wearied brain from working overtime so soon after
Recovering only a portion of my fully exhausted energy
And since this change for the better
Indicates that my long-standing line of control is
One of the inner strengths that has recently muscled
Up in terms of keeping my mind focused on attaining
Each next goal by empowering my newly centered
Sense of self control to calm the subconsciously traumatized
Portion of my brain before sudden strikes of anxious reactiveness
Leaping out of my subconscious high jack my smarts as
Swiftly as had been true before my polarized inner conflict had
Chugged out of my mind on a train of intuitive
Thought, so rich in insight as to have enlightened
My sense of clarity with pinpointing the
Primary reason why my peace of mind
Had been won't to self destruct as swiftly as if
My think tank had been struck by
Recurrent flashbacks of emotional lightening, repeatedly
And thus do we see my strengthened line of control
Reminding me to muster the patience to rest my mind before
Calling forth my host of inner strengths to
Tackle the next task at hand, and with today's string of
Of self empowering insights in mind here's what
I chose to do upon awakening with need to write at 4am:
I chose to do a brain exercise, learned during a recent
Session of EMDR (Yes, brain exercises, which empower
Our think tanks to relax current flows of mental energy,
Really do exist ...otherwise how would we choose to
Memorize, absorb, store and then, when
Tested, withdraw complex mathematical algorithms from
Within the well-organized files of our memory banks?)
As my therapist taught me to practice this exercise
(Brain Yoga) during a recent session of
EMDR, I pulled this new tool out of my tool box of
Personal strengths and tested it out at 4am, and
Lo and behold, rather than feeling compelled to
Push out whatever constipated detail my subconscious
Felt ready to expel, my whole body, including
My over active thought processor, relaxed and
Next thing I knew, guess who drifted off into
A deeply relaxed, energy replenishing slumber until
8:30am when I awoke feeling more refreshed and
Inclined to write this positively focused post
Exemplifying my newly practiced ability to
Consciously refocus my train of thought away
From exploring emergent subconscious negativity in
Favor of offering my hard working brain a
Nourishing shot of clarity concerning my need for
Additional down time at this specific rest station, and
In this way did I relax my impatient sense of readiness from
Pushing my weary soul through the next locked door where
Visceral memories of a pedophile, harming the psyche of
An innocent child, await to inform my conscious
Mind of information that will fire up the anger, which
Has been repressed in an anesthetized but
Deeply inflamed subconscious state, over my
Entire adult life, and here is where my
Newly recentered sense of inner balance lifts its
Wise little solution seeking head in terms of
My need to grow ever more aware of those times when
An intuitive train of thought is chugging its way
Toward brightening my conscious mind with
Need to grow attentive to insight driving my
Sense of clarity to focus on a change for the better that's
Instructing my conscious mind to switch tracks in this way:
In the past, my therapist had coached me to free
Intuitive thought attempting to speak to
My blindly conscious mind of subconsciously buried fear ...
Then, two weeks ago, my wearied mind was coached to
Place intuitive thought on pause until my newly rewired
Sense of balance feels my depletion of mental energy restored ...
And now that we've visited with this week's
Deepening awareness of the importance of balance in all things ...
l'll consciously and clearly direct my think tank to
Switch tracks as I had at 4am, thus offering my mind
Reason to pause this serious train of thought in favor of
Delighting my spirit with thoughts of today's play date with
Ravi, when she and I plan to splash happily in Angie's heated pool
PS
In keeping with the spirit of enhancing a sense of balance
I believe that once my main source of energy feels
Fully refreshed, my strong sense of intuition will
Readily switch tracks away
From my dark side, thus re-invigorating my
Positive focus to stimulate my story teller to
Reawaken and entertain us by
Exposing the sunny side of my creative
Highly humorous character traits, which
Chose to raise a trio of rambunctious sons to
Develop a host of self empowering traits, which
I'd unknowingly had need to develop within myself ...
And with that thought stoking mind with
Positively focused visions of stories, filled with
Humor, flowing forth from memory as naturally as
A school of healthy salmon, which, upon
Successfully navigating its way through
The portion of the river where raging rapids had offered
Each one a really scary ride, is finally feeling
Swimmingly relaxed, now that yesteryear's
Fearsome portion of life has received sound reason to
Settle into a calm, clear frame of mind, thus
Enhancing the sparkling scales of the salmon's
Inner smile to sparkle forth in a brand new
Self-empowered way as had never proved as
Self propelled and long lasting as intuitive thought
Makes her believe will be true from now on
I can feel my inner smile beginning to
Sparkle forth as high spirited thoughts of
Frolicking with Ravi spur me toward readying
My re-energizing-wholesome-sense-of-self-
Empowered -good-health to welcome
A fun-filled day with nary a dark cloud on
The immediate horizon to rain on today's parade!
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