1373HHHHHHH CONSCIOUSLY CHANNELING A JOYFUL MOMENT OF PEACEFUL REPOSE

Each time I work, during a session of therapy, to identify
A subconscious fear that has currently stimulated an episode of
High anxiety to strike as if the primary source of that
Subconscious (unidentified) fear is high jacking
My sense of logic, right now, my conscious awareness gains
Insight into the underlying reason that has caused

My defense system to trigger an emotional reaction
That seems to be over-reactive to my current situation in a way that
Proves to be unlike my history of mustering courage to
Maintain a strong line of self control, regardless of pain
Until I engage in a session of EMDR where
My therapist coaches my sense of logic (concerning this
Sudden strike of anxiety, which had hog tied my sense of logic), to
Sleuth back in time until an unprocessed memory, buried
Within the unhealed portion of my subconscious, filters through
My defense system's mental block, offering my conscious awareness
Sound reason to release a tsunami of unshed tears, which is
Followed by followed a resounding sigh of relief once I understand
Why this current situation caused my strong sense of courage to
Feel stalked by the haunting, daunting, unprocessed sensation of
Yesteryear's unbearable pain, and though a sense of emotional relief
Is mine as soon as this 'forgotten' detail from the past has emerged, lifting

An unidentified burden ftom my spirit, my think tank—feeling
Worn to the bone from working 24/7 to crack through
Yet another layer of my defense system's wall of denial—
(The subconscious speaks through dreams as we sleep) sends
Me intuitive signals, concerning my exhausted think tank's need
For downtime in order to rest, recoup and refuel after having dived
So deep into subconscious memory as to have retrieved
This frightening detail, which had been hidden
From conscious awareness behind my defensive wall of denial
And once this traumatic detail is 'remembered' by my conscious mind
I can suddenly make sense of what had triggered
This specific episode of PTSD to make me feel every bit as
Frightened of the future as had been true at the time of
The original experience, which had injured a portion of my
Budding self assessment, during childhood, when
My thought processor was too undeveloped to

Accurately assess the complexity inherent within
This is universal fact:  The conscious portion of
A small child's mind is too undeveloped to fathom
That both sides of human nature exist within every person who

Walks this planet (good vs bad, courageous vs fearful), so
I grew up, seeing myself as a very good girl, worthy of love or as
A very bad girl, who felt worthless—with very little awareness
Of the spectrum of emotional reactions that
Creates a wide expanse of separation between those two diametrically
Opposing poles, and since I'd no clue of having developed
A traumatized subconscious fear of frowns in the aftermath of
My baby sister's death, the very worthwhile, good little girl
I truly was felt so bad, so often, for so many months that
I had no clue of having felt need to swallow (repress)
The self assertive portion of my voice, which

Was replaced with an eager to please attitude of complacency that
Was so quick to smile agreeably to whatever was asked of me that
Once I'd adopted this persona as my own, no one, (including me)
Had sensed that each time I'd awakened in the dead of night, itching
Furiously, the intensity of my need to scratch until I drew blood was
A symptom of my psche's desperate need to reveal the depth of
My primary subconscious fear, suggesting that I was itching to

Scratch through the surface of my defense system's wall of denial in order
To strip away my cheerful persona and reveal the painful fear, buried
Deep inside my mind, and lo and behold, the intensity of that itch did
Make my smile fall off my face in the dark of night when the nakedness of
My mental anguish ripped off my smiling facade, exposing the distortion of
My inner frown for all to see, and in that way did my physical need to
Scratch through every layer of my skin dig down into painful layers of
Traumatized insecurity, where blocked sensations of frustration
Continued to layer up inside secret pockets of my subconscious, like
Layers of TNT, biding their time to ignite, explode and blow my persona
To kingdom, though this did not happen until Will and I separated, and
My subconscious (unidentified) fear of being worthless and all alone
Created waves of panic that froze my brain into a state of anxiety that
Scattered my sense of logic, casting my inner strengths, like
A house of cards, to the winds, and though it's true that
The itch to get out of my skin became ever more self-contained as
my sense of emotional maturity continued to grow up
Episodic spikes of anxiety, which remained puzzling throughout
Every stage of my life, continued to flare up whenever
I was caught making a mistake that might cause someone to frown ...
And no matter how many therapists my intuition sought out
None saw through the many layered facade of my smile and
Surface self confidence, which is why none had thought to link
These episodes of anxiety into a pattern until recently, when
My current therapist ultimately diagnosed me with PTSD, which
Explains why the confounding nature of my life-long
Wrestling match, pitting my adult sense of self confidence against

The traumatized portion of a three year old child's deeply wounded
Unhealed and thus festering subconscious insecurity, had periodically
Aroused an episodic state of high anxiety that struck down
My inner strengths, most especially when I'd felt a compulsive
Intuitive need to say NO to a loved one's request, stimulating
My unidentified fear of staring straight at a frown, and that was true
Until a recent session of EMDR therapy, excavated that deeply buried
Subconscious insecurity (which proved to be associated with
My subconscious, unprocessed terror of holding myself accountable
For having been so bad as to cause my parents to frown for months after
My baby sister's death, suggesting that my fear of frowns was also
Associated with my fear of unexpected, sudden death, which I'd blamed
My bad self for causing, and in order to pay for those unforgivable sins
I made certain to help solve any problem or conflict that might
Cause a loved one's frown to deepen, as though the end result of
My saying NO would lead straight to toward the death of a person whom
I'd loved more than a child as bad as me could love herself ( I was
Subconsciously so afraid of causing a loved one's death that, in readiness
I actually purchased an extra grave, many years back, and though Will
couldn't fathom why I felt compelled to make that purchase, it made
Perfect sense to my life-long distorted view of reality)
As you can imagine, the sum of my brain's inner strengths
Must band together each time I feel need to hunker down to work
Ever so determinedly and patiently to restructure a
Negatively focused channel of mental energy away from
Yesteryear's grossly misperceived, subconscious impression of
Myself (as little girl, who had been so bad as to have
Charged herself guilty of causing the depth of her entire family's
Grief stricken frowns to look down in the nose at her) in favor of
Carving out a positively focused channel of conscious thought, based

In today's emotionally matured, cognitive awareness of
The sum of my personal strengths, and each time
Today's sense of conscious awareness lines up with reality, concerning
The good, caring person I've always chosen to be, a brand new sense of
Peaceful repose frees me of another sudden (mysterious) strike of
Latent anxiety, which can't relax until I've engaged in
The mental work that's required to link a current strike of anxiety with
Whatever I'd felt at three, and believe me, this line of work proves
Exhausting, to say the least, which is why each time I move forward
With any degree of success, my strong sense of intuition compels me to
Rest while my spirit spends time smelling roses rather than
Coaxing me to free the intuitive curiosity of my inner sleuth to dive into
My psyche, prematurely, in hopes of sniffing out additional insights that
At this point in my recovery from PTSD would surely transport
My wearied mind back to another early time in my life when a predatory
Pedophile had stalked a good little girl (whose fear of frowns had caused her
To unknowingly swallow the self assertive portion of her voice, which left
My personal sense of safety itching so intensely as to offer me reason to
Cry right out loud, night after night, because my defense system had
Called upon the defense mechanism of disassociation to keep me from
Remembering even one encounter with the predator, who abused me, repeatedly
And as every iota of my conscious memory was blocked from
'Knowing ' of my participation in lewd acts of sexuality, in this way
Did Mother Nature save my budding inner strengths from sinking so deep into
A permanent quagmire of traumatized quicksand (which

Proved much too thickly layered and confoundingly complex for
A child's undeveloped thought processor to channel) until I'd absorbed
The adult inner strengths necessary to work conscientiously
Courageously and patiently to exhume and confront
The reality of my traumatized need to have buried this terrifying,
Deeper truth with such a slow and steadying, ever deepening sense of
Clarity as to coax the adult I prove to be, today, to redirect
My mental inner compass to guide this traumatized, terror-struck
Child, who had remained trapped, as though buried alive within
A deep, dark locked pocket of my subconscious, to stop paddling in
Anxious, extremely painful, utterly exhausted, emotionally futile
Swirling circles of confusion inside my mind in

Favor of consciously coaxing my adult inner strengths to swim
Upstream through one emergent detail after another as if each one
Had surfaced from deep within a new set of rapids, which, if I could
Continue to muster the mental strength necessary to survive, would
Propel my conscious memory to swirl less violently, stroke by
Stroke as each infinitesimal step by step approach toward
Self discovery inspired my intelligent, adult brain to restore
A sweet, little girl's traumatized self esteem to heal itself, little
By little, once my brain, finally functioning like a well-balanced whole
Landed a deeply confounded, good little girl on today's
Safe and sound, peacefully calm, sunny, well-grounded shore, knowing
Full well that my recent gains in conscious awareness, concerning
Subconscious terror, proved impossible until
Such time as my life-long need to work to recover from PTSD
Was correctly and professionally diagnosed—
And since that diagnosis was not identified until

My current therapist came to listen to me so profoundly astutely as
To have come to know both sides of my brain, which working
Against each other had created a divided whole, separating
The sum of my adult inner strengths from the traumatized portion of
A three year old child's subconscious insecurities, and
The existence of this great divide caused my
Self assessment to feel vulnerable to remaining stuck, cycling round
A deeply confounded, darkened mental state of

Unidentified inner conflict, highlighting why the inner strengths of
My best character traits could not band together, thus freeing my brain to
Function as a well balanced whole until these past couple of years when
My sense of emotional intelligence and accumulation of knowledge were
Consistently coached to muster the courage to strip denial's blinders away in
Favor of giving voice to my deeply repressed sense of
Danger, always lurking near by, (and as a child, my sense of danger proved
Synonymous with anger) which caused me to repress so many of
My personal needs until my inner fear of saying NO, which might arouse
A loved one's frown, was clearly exposed along with my own
Deeply repressed anger, which would threaten to leap out if intuitive
Thought had not directed my creativity to stand guard behind my well practiced
Line of Self Control, sensing that a bottomless well of bottled up
Anger would otherwise pop its uncork, freeing the mother load of
My terror of life to drown my surface sense of safety, much of
My mental energy was expended upon repressing a whale of anger from
Consciously exploding, and that's why most of that underlying
Unidentified, fiery emotion emerged in the smoldering form of
Exhausted depression, especially at those times when I'd felt so depleted of
Energy as to have to muster the courage to say NO, I can't do this or I can't
Do that, at which time I'd found myself pressed by this loved one or that one to
Turn my NO into a YES, because that was the only reply that they'd come to
Expect from me, and each time one of those conflicts arose, my
Inner conflict would erupt, causing my anxiety to build additional tension due to
My storing up even greater degrees of subconscious resentment, which exacerbated
Every negative emotion that I'd felt need to subconsciously repress as
Silently as had been true of so many of my personal needs, over
Most of my life, and you can believe me when I say that consciously
Forging my way through peeling away at seven decades of
Ever-thickening layers of denial during countless sessions of
EMDR therapy has been so taxing that I can finally appreciate
The self motived determination of my inner strengths, which rely upon
My well-practiced ability to summon intuitive trains of thought, which
Tunnel instinctively toward igniting strings of insight (which often surface
While I'm writing) offering my conscious awareness sound reason to
Spotlight the sum of my character traits as being much brighter than I'd

Originally surmised) and each time a new string of insights shines
Another spotlight on today's realistic view of the person I've grown to
Be, I can feel a brand new, wholesome awareness of the sum of

My inner strengths lining up in such a well-organized fashion as to
Encourage my sense of patience to work at retrieving yet another piece of
The bigger picture of the life-long-foggy maze of
Mental confusion, which has riddled my conscious
Self assessment with subconscious insecurities that had
Undermined my self confidence each time I'd said
NO, followed by hearing my most caring traits being

Painfully distorted by defense systems connected to
Hearts that had professed to know me well and
Love me deeply, though today's deeper truth suggests that
The negatively focused attitudes of those folk knew me not at all, and
Since they'd judged (while professing not to judge) me without
Thinking to offer a person who'd sought out therapy over most of
My adult life), the benefit of the doubt, my character strengths
Continued to be disparaged, no matter what I did or said, for years, I
Felt like throwing myself in the garbage, thus adding
To the anguished sense of anxious confusion that had haunted
My psyche behind the sparkling, self confident persona that had masked
Life long insecurities, which continued to plague my sense of peace, each time
An attack of latent anxiety due to unnamed torment arising each time
I'd sensed 'reason' to feel danger closing in, and not until
My mask of denial, which had blinded my conscious awareness from
Any clue, concerning that which I'd needed to know about myself was
Peeled away, one stubborn layer at a time, and here's why that was true:
The brain is a body organ, and body organs can't heal from a serious
Internal injury until each specific injury has been correctly diagnosed—
And I couldn't know which secret injuries my subconscious kept from
My conscious awareness until my therapist, trained in
EMDR therapy, coached my growing sense of intuitive thought to coax
Streaming insights to surface, revealing each fear-based secret to
Emerge, detail by detail, to the courageous side of
My mind in the safety of her office as well as while
I've been writing about both sides of myself to you ....
Then, each time I feel need to review and edit whatever
Intuitive thought felt ready to reveal, concerning
Deeply repressed fears, furies, and vulnerabilities, to me,
I gain a more fully developed absorption of
Secrets, which are no longer empowered to trigger
Episodes of PTSD, which had confounded my adult strengths by
Conjuring up the traumatized ghost of the good, little girl, who had
Had sound reason to fear for her emotional and physical safety when
Her think tank was much too young to process the difference between
Life and death, fear and courage to peel away layers of
Blind, defensive denial that kept a little girl's terrors alive and
Itching to be exposed  until she grew to be such
A strong, self_empowered individual as to dive ever more
Deeply into her psyche in order to know both sides of
The sum of her traits, which today, comprise such
A well balanced whole as to defy anxiety rising when
Another detail feels ready for conscious exposure ...
Because common sense suggests my having need to
Muster more courage than ever as I grow older...

So, was my itch physically real?  Yes.
I had excema (Dermatitis, which is an inflammation of the skin
Characterized by itchy, erythematous, vesicular, weeping, and crusting patches.)
Which acting like an Achilles' heel, was intensified by
More than one deeply repressed emotional trauma.

So is my sciatica real, today?  Yes.
Because every gadolinium MRI has shown the nerve to be
Physically inflamed.  On the other hand
My nerve inflammation was intensified by the fact that
Spikes of anxiety, stimulated by constantly suppressing
Latent and current layers of emotional repression caused
Caused every muscle in my body to grow ever more
Tense, clenching tightly around the irritated root of that nerve, which
Had suffered injury years before when I'd pushed myself
Beyond the limits of my physical endurance ...
Another self defeating pattern, as demonstrated as
Recently as this past Passover ... So, today
My hard earned gains in working toward
Deepening my conscious awareness, concerning
My lifelong need to make positively focused changes
That I clearly see as necessary no longer arouse
An unidentified  terrors of frowns, which had
Seen me subconsciously tossing my self worth
In the trash once I could not satisfy the expectations of
Others, because any thought of disappointing a loved one
Had stressed my self assessment to the point of
Declaring myself as useless and worthless, today, as
I'd felt when my baby sister died, juxt before
I turned three ... As to the level of my sciatic pain, today ...
It remains reduced in direct proportion to
The relaxed state of my mind and body's physical
Tightening of replacing of muscular tension ...
Which is why the pain increases each time
I climb up a steep flight of stairs ...
In short, I know how to take better care of my needs

Over recent years, I've worked determinedly, during
Sessions of EMDR therapy, to know my strengths and
Vulnerabilities in greater depth by repeatedly mustering
The humility to ask:  Which of my current attitudes
Serves to undermine the healthy state of my
Self assessment (or my misperceived assessment of others), today?

And with each subconscious forgotten detail that emerges from
Behind my defense system's wall of denial, I continue to gain
Sound reason to feel even more self assured about maintaining
A strong sense of focus, concerning my life's chosen path for
This reason:  Though I'd once felt so confused as to have

Subconsciously condemned myself as being unworthy of

Receiving love unless the sparkling smiles that shone forth so joyfully from
Within my heart were returned to me as naturally and freely as
My natural spirit of generosity had openly showered
The hearts of others with unconditional love, repeatedly, my most
Recent epiphany has shown me that which is primarily in need of
Change for the better, concerning my self perception:
Insight into deeper truth will always show me to be
An imperfect individual, who can maintain a high degree of
Self respect when I feel compelled to say No
Those two facts no longer feel dangerous, because I no longer
Feel subconsciously unworthy of receiving love as
Had been subconsciously true ever since
My baby sister died, and I, being as egocentric as children are

Known to be, had unconsciously guilted myself, undeservedly, of

'Crimes' against my family that reality suggests had most certainly not
Been committed by an innocent, good little girl of three, and
Now that I've come to understand how swiftly mental exhaustion can
Stimulate an episode of PTSD to emerge and high jack
My thought processor's ability to band together my
Personal strengths, as thought scattering them to the winds
This newly absorbed, ever deepening sense of self awareness has
Deemed each emergent episode of anxious terror (that
On the surface seems to make no sense) to

Be shorter in length than had proved true before my conscious mind

Had absorbed Socrates' sage advice:  Know Thyself (in depth)

And now that I've offered you this recently rebalanced, more deeply
Understood, condensed synopsis of my life-long, intuitive
Quest to heal the traumatized portion of my brain from succumbing to
Unidentified episodic eruptions of PTSD, which catalyzed sudden strikes of

Heightened anxiety that had seemingly made little sense each time I felt
A latent, undefined sense of subconscious danger closing in

Here is a synopsis of my most recent trial by fire, which ignited several
Weeks of puzzling anxiety when extreme exhaustion deemed

My psyche highly vulnerable to being swept into yet another mind swirling
Episode of PTSD, which I'd been too exhausted to consciously and clearly 

Identify until my wearied brain had recouped enough mental energy to
See why I'd unknowingly thrown my thoroughly exhausted self in
The garbage after I'd joyously and successfully created a festive
Passover weekend, enjoyed by my entire immediate family and several

Treasured friends—however, now that I
Am aware of the fact that extreme exhaustion had

Stimulated a subconscious fear to emerge, which seemed to
Make no sense at all, clear thinking came to see that
An eruption of my subconscious, disassociated
Terror of swift unexpected death was, currently, terrorizing
My damaged sense of personal safety, and since my mental
Energy was in an extremely wasted state, my strong sense of
Intuitive thought could not backtrack to sense that
My subconscious fear (of sudden death, swooping down to
Scoop up my seemingly healthy, beloved grandpa and

My seemingly healthy sister out of our

Deeply shocked arms, several weeks apart, scaring

My entire extended family half to death, thus

Terrorizing my three year old mind, which has unconsciously been
Waiting for the other shoe to drop, over my entire life) had erupted
Causing me to fear that if my vigilant smile exhausts or if
I make even one, tiny mistake in judgement then

The Spector of Death will surely darken my door, and if

I believe that the demise of my loved ones will somehow trace back to
My imperfections being at fault then my life won't be worth living, and
As all of that terror was subconscious in nature, thus did
 I unknowingly hold myself personally (subconsciously) accountable
For remaining mentally awake and vigilantly alert to any reason that might

Make a loved one so much as frown, and not until my exhausted brain began to
Re-energize did every one of these insights ride out of a tunnel in my mind on
A train of intuitive thought, which clarified my anxious underlying need to
Feed my loved ones' needs, forever,  over mine  until recent sessions of
EMDR coaxed my intelligent adult conscious awareness to
Assuage my childish subconscious fear of failing to

Resolve every conflict and solve every problem that might cause

Any loved one's smile to turn upside down on my watch, suggesting why

I'd felt subconsciously, miserably afraid of failing, no matter how hard
I'd worked to succeed at whatever task I'd undertaken upon myself, an
Thus did anything that made a loved one feel unhappy or angry, which 
Proved beyond my control to 'fix', create a state of anxiety within my brain until

My very conscious awareness of this last attack of PTSD dawned on me, catalyzing

My well practiced sense of intuitive thought to run with this string of insights, which
Inspired my thought processor to make a series of  three point plays that
Saw the scoreboard stacking points in my well-balanced favor, concerning
Why this most recent step in my recovery from PTSD has made me feel like
A seasoned player, whose self confiden personal strengths feels so
Capable as to champion whatever personal vulnerability may still be
In need of astute coaching while this stage of my recovery from PTSD
Continues to gain sound reason to fully appreciate the fact that

My newly rewired, conscious self assessment is one of many roses that
Inspires my spirit to sparkle with gratitude for having mustered the courage

Patience and determination to work to develop a think tank that has chosen to
Freely respect and embrace the strong individual, whom a traumatized
Good little girl has chosen to grow up to be while she kept her eye
Focused on the ball (intuitive goal) by continuing to 

Progress, step by step, along the challenging path of self discovery, which
Has led the injured portion of my psych toward healing itself by seeking
Professional help that has coached me to choose
The road less taken, where self-empowerment proves to be

My just reward for expending the positively focused energy

Necessary to pry open my own closed mindsets, which upon expanding to
Widen my scope, show me swimming toward the, now, not so distant
Shore where my lost sense of personal safety has awaited

The arrival of the intelligent adult, whom I've grown up to be, to welcome

My sense of self confidence to feel at home in my own skin—

Once and for all—and with that train of intuitive insight chugging
Clearly through my conscious mind, today, here's my plan for creating
A newly emboldened sense of change for the better as

My immediate future continues to unfold:
Rather than throwing the sum of my inner strengths in
The garbage each time human imperfection raises its wearied
Little head, as had often been true of my subconscious pattern before

My newly rewired, conscious self assessment had absorbed
Sound reason to develop a well-balanced sense of self
I plan to spend more time than had been true in the past, smelling

The bouquet of roses, which is currently growing in my constantly

Growing garden of deeply treasured loved ones whose

Positively focused attitudes people my life, today, and as I plan to

Focus the greater portion of my energy upon deepening my appreciation
For each of those gorgeous roses (Thorns and all) here's

A vision of a budding little beauty whose adorable presence inspires
My spirit to burst into full bloom, each time I see
Her bright, engaging smile toddling toward me while, with
A lift of her arms, her sweet voice says, 'Up!' ...

You'd be right to picture my heart melting with love as
This precious child is swept up into my arms
And if a picture is worth a thousand words then imagine
The heartfelt impact offered by viewing a video of
A moment in time exemplifying why this sweet natured child and I
Enjoy every blessed minute of fun that we're both so fortunate to share ...