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How sad is it when an insecure child grows to be a successful, charismatic adult with many friends—and yet, at times, a 'little voice' deep inside this adult whispers words of loneliness into that accomplished person's ear? What if that 'little voice' is instinct suggesting: Uh oh—your self confidence is as slippery as an eel, which tends to slide out of a hole in your head that's in need of repair. What if that 'little voice' pipes up whenever this accomplished adult feels unsupported, misunderstood—or after having been 'caught' making a mistake? Might that person's sense of success be founded in perfectionistic tendencies? Might that person's defense system bend toward flogging oneself? *It's important to note that we, who have a hard time forgiving our own mistakes, tend toward being hard on others, as well.
As a family communication’s instructor, who eagerly shares every self-strengthening shred of information with my classes, here's a quick synopsis of how I work toward placing my whip and hair shirt aside while achieving personal and professional goals. First, I muzzle my ego and direct my defense system to sit in a time out chair. And to refresh your memory—we'd just left my mother swinging next to me, exclaiming:
How sad is it when an insecure child grows to be a successful, charismatic adult with many friends—and yet, at times, a 'little voice' deep inside this adult whispers words of loneliness into that accomplished person's ear? What if that 'little voice' is instinct suggesting: Uh oh—your self confidence is as slippery as an eel, which tends to slide out of a hole in your head that's in need of repair. What if that 'little voice' pipes up whenever this accomplished adult feels unsupported, misunderstood—or after having been 'caught' making a mistake? Might that person's sense of success be founded in perfectionistic tendencies? Might that person's defense system bend toward flogging oneself? *It's important to note that we, who have a hard time forgiving our own mistakes, tend toward being hard on others, as well.
As a family communication’s instructor, who eagerly shares every self-strengthening shred of information with my classes, here's a quick synopsis of how I work toward placing my whip and hair shirt aside while achieving personal and professional goals. First, I muzzle my ego and direct my defense system to sit in a time out chair. And to refresh your memory—we'd just left my mother swinging next to me, exclaiming:
“What? Annie, I have no idea what you're talking about.” When Mom smiles and continues with, “But I’m sure you’re going to explain it to me. Right?” we laugh, I don't disappoint her. So okay, here goes:
When someone suggests a perception about me that seems harsh and thus, difficult to hear, I muster the courage to listen with an open mind. In other words, I’m training myself not to bristle, hang my head in shame, or feel insulted as soon as someone's perception points out a habit or vulnerability, which I may not have noticed.
I figure it this way: *This person's view may have had reason to grow more expansive than my own. That open-minded attitude allows me to respond with questions rather than snapping my mind shut, retreating into myself and pouting like a turtle inside my shell. In other words: *I’m working consciously to develop my ability to chew on food-for-thought with a growing sense of objectivity.
When someone suggests a perception about me that seems harsh and thus, difficult to hear, I muster the courage to listen with an open mind. In other words, I’m training myself not to bristle, hang my head in shame, or feel insulted as soon as someone's perception points out a habit or vulnerability, which I may not have noticed.
I figure it this way: *This person's view may have had reason to grow more expansive than my own. That open-minded attitude allows me to respond with questions rather than snapping my mind shut, retreating into myself and pouting like a turtle inside my shell. In other words: *I’m working consciously to develop my ability to chew on food-for-thought with a growing sense of objectivity.
*Each time I sit my ego in a time out chair, I can focus on constructive criticism as an opportunity to recognize a vulnerability, of which I'm unaware. Once that vulnerability is known, I can develop it into a strength. Sometimes I’m shocked to learn that a strength, which I’d considered my own, is still half-baked. Needless to say, that does not feel good. *Experiencing humiliation is akin to experiencing 'growing pains'. Once I turn humiliation into humility, that's when I can grow wiser than before ..."
"How do you handle that, Annie?"
"The same way I'd instinctively slam on the brakes when a head-on collision seems probable.
*I work to develop a habit of slamming on the brakes before my emotional reactions burn away all sense of orderly thought and logic.
*I consciously draw a line of control inside my head—as in—Pull back on the reins—hold the horses—here comes the burn, so close your mouth, Annie, until your brain waves calm down and you can think clearly, again. *We tell children to take a 'time out' to calm down; being an adult, I train myself to take a 'time out' on the spot. Though practice doesn't make perfect, I grow more consistent, year by year.
*I work to develop a habit of slamming on the brakes before my emotional reactions burn away all sense of orderly thought and logic.
*I consciously draw a line of control inside my head—as in—Pull back on the reins—hold the horses—here comes the burn, so close your mouth, Annie, until your brain waves calm down and you can think clearly, again. *We tell children to take a 'time out' to calm down; being an adult, I train myself to take a 'time out' on the spot. Though practice doesn't make perfect, I grow more consistent, year by year.
If, after listening to a negative perception, I feel the need to reflect over details, the conversation can be tabled and revisited at a later date. If details emerge, which disprove the other person's perceptions, clarity allows me to explain that which may have been missed, forgotten, revised or dismissed. Once clarity is mine, I can convey which of my motives, words or actions may have been misperceived. If my perceptions prove incomplete or wrong, I apologize, take home another lesson in humility, and do better, next time. Either way, there's something to gained. When my attitude is open to considering another point of view, I don't lose.
*On the one hand, there’s so much that we don’t know about each other. On the other hand, our minds assume that the little we’ve heard or seen is all we need to know. *Our brains are preprogrammed to make snap judgments, concerning what feels ‘right from what feels wrong’. *It's easy to forget that in certain situations, that which feels right and that which is right may not be interchangeable. Brad (one of many cousins), also feels an instinctive need to look in. When he flew in and stayed with us for several days, he shared this insight, which makes a lot of sense to me:
‘We don’t know what we don’t know.’
When I hear a perception, which seems to float through the air on a dark cloud of nonsense, today, I summon self control, maintain my dignity and ask questions. Then, after taking a break to calm my mind, I can reconsider details, which cause my perception to differ from perceptions that seem to make little sense. Once I believe clarity is mine, it's time to muster the courage to continue the discussion, some time later."
"That's not easy to do, Annie."
"I know that, Mom. That's why ... *I need a muzzle, reins, and a line of control while training myself to respond in the same self disciplined way that we want our children to do. *By remaining calm and collecting my thoughts, I can cut the tension in the room in half. *Less tension increases clarity. *When clarity and self control connect, my self confidence remains intact—especially when I'm in the hot seat and found to be wrong. *When proved to be in the wrong, I tighten my rein on self control and consciously get a firm hold on humility; in this way I can be gentle with myself before my self esteem has been engulfed within the fires of humiliation, where the wounds of self flagellation burn self confidence to a crisp.
I also keep this insight in mind, which Greg, once, offered up during therapy:
*Generally speaking, conversations between two people are continuations of their last conversation.
PS ... For the sake of simplicity, please don't worry about new names popping up. As these 'characters' flesh out in stories down the road, you'll get to know them, one by one ... J
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