Just to recap—Mom and I had been swinging when our conversation swung toward this:
2002
"Mom think about Grandma Ella. Her defense system was huge.”
2002
"Mom think about Grandma Ella. Her defense system was huge.”
“And how!”
“The size of Grandma’s ego made it impossible for her to admit to any mistakes. If Grandma couldn’t admit to making mistakes, then she couldn’t approach anyone, whom she may have insulted, to say, ‘I’m sorry’, later. Even if Grandma had wanted to make amends, her ego's defensive powers locked humility behind her persona. In fact, I wonder how often Grandma's persona walked out of her bedroom, 'acting' as though nothing had happened and all was well. The persona 'acts' as the ego's cover up when it's too hard to confront reality, openly and thus without pretense.
Actually, Grandma’s persona was like the false front, which protected the vulnerabilities of the Wizard of Oz from being detected by the world at large. Big voice. Lots of bluster indicates less inner strength than we'd think. *So—if a true sense of pride is catalyzed by success—then false pride denies a sense of failure.”
Actually, Grandma’s persona was like the false front, which protected the vulnerabilities of the Wizard of Oz from being detected by the world at large. Big voice. Lots of bluster indicates less inner strength than we'd think. *So—if a true sense of pride is catalyzed by success—then false pride denies a sense of failure.”
As one insight leads to another, my train of thought is still processing through my mind while I muse on my own, again: *If false pride, hides subconscious vulnerabilities from oneself, then the persona must serve as a shield, behind which anxiety lurks when conflicts erupt. At this point, I turn toward my mother and continue aloud:
“You know, Mom, it’s far from easy to reprogram a middle-aged brain."
"Well, why in the world would we want to do that?"
"Because of how often we fail to see those times when our egos are doing the listening, yakking, blaming and squawking.”
"Well, why in the world would we want to do that?"
"Because of how often we fail to see those times when our egos are doing the listening, yakking, blaming and squawking.”
“Annie, wait a minute. You're losing me. I need an example to help me understand what your ego sounds likes when it's listening or talking?”
“Hmmm—okay ... Ah! Here's an example of a really naïve statement that flew out of my ego’s mouth. It was several years ago at a Bat Mitzvah. I was telling Aunt Risa (Brad’s mom) about love lessons Will had needed to learn, when she interrupted with, ‘Annie, I keep hearing about Will’s lessons. Didn’t you have lessons to learn, as well?’ Later, upon reflection, my face flushed with chagrin at how glibly I’d replied: 'I’d already learned my lessons; Will needed to catch up.' Though it's true that I’d embraced countless insights into communicating openly, honestly and compassionately during the years that Will was absorbing information, which had held his interest, my answer signaled an attitude, suggesting that learning lessons, concerning love or life—ends. *Upon reflection later in the day, it dawned on me that by answering off the top of my head, I'd dismissed this vital fact: *We're offered countless opportunities to welcome (or ignore) classic lessons, which present themselves at every stage of life. So there I was, alone in my hotel room, feeling aghast at how forgetful and naïve a well-educated, intelligent brain can be—especially when the egocentric part of that brain belongs to me!”
After listening to that, a warm smile spreads across Mom’s face while I add, ”Aunt Risa received that narrow-minded response from me, because *my first thought’s not always my best thought. Instead of tapping into the expansive part of my mind, which quests for new insights as the future unfolds, my answer came from ‘the communication's instructor’ . On the up side, that awareness ignited this one: *We say: 'think before you speak' in hopes of stopping the ego from upstaging intelligent thought, which needs time to process through our minds. The next time I saw Aunt Risa, it was my choice to muster the humility to muzzle my ego, revisit our conversation, and express my expanded views.
Today, while entertaining thoughts, concerning love or life, I consider this fact: *We're each born with the potential to absorb insights, which deepen self awareness, at every age and stage. In fact, my thoughts about ‘late bloomers’ have changed in this way: I believe we bloom in different ways—each in his own good time. I believe that during our golden years, those with open minds and youthful outlooks continue to grow wiser, sweeter, and more peaceful while others, who've not worked to accept the inevitability of changes—which we'd not choose, freely—grow ever more wizened, grumpy, and rude—or if not rude—then the spirit of a person, who remains at odds with change, may withdraw into itself.”
Today, while entertaining thoughts, concerning love or life, I consider this fact: *We're each born with the potential to absorb insights, which deepen self awareness, at every age and stage. In fact, my thoughts about ‘late bloomers’ have changed in this way: I believe we bloom in different ways—each in his own good time. I believe that during our golden years, those with open minds and youthful outlooks continue to grow wiser, sweeter, and more peaceful while others, who've not worked to accept the inevitability of changes—which we'd not choose, freely—grow ever more wizened, grumpy, and rude—or if not rude—then the spirit of a person, who remains at odds with change, may withdraw into itself.”
“Annie, we’ve lost so much by this age, how can we not?”
At this, I realize that Mom, now in her 90's, must be musing over the loss of my dad as well as her entire generation (except for Aunt Sari and Aunt Risa), so initially, my compassion acknowledges the depth of her grief with a heartfelt, “I know, Mom, I know." Then after we swing, side by side, lost in thought for a bit, I continue with, "Well, call me naïve, again, for suggesting this thought, but, here it comes ... *Though it's true that I've not experienced all that you have—yet—if I'm the one who lives the longest then common sense suggests that I'll need to factor luck, fate, and choice into my decisions, so I can figure out how to accept—the unacceptable. Oherwise, grief will seize control of my mind and shrink my spirit's capacity for joy. I mean, look at it this way, Mom: *Just as teens do not develop physically at exactly the same time, different aspects of emotional growth develop within each of us, at different times, for different reasons, as well. As changes, which we'd not choose, create conflict, resolving conflicts effectively may depend upon opening our minds to guidance. You know—like we go to the doctor when our bodies are out of sorts. So why not ask for guidance when our spirits are at half mast? Remember when you wanted Dad to get help?"
"Well, Annie, some people need that, and some people don't."
"Mom, here's my point—in fact, I've already discussed this with all of my kids: *People who love each other don’t absorb all of the same 'lessons', simultaneously. *When lessons concerning love or life roll in, they don’t present themselves in order like the ABC's. Since we each live through different experiences, here's what I've come to believe: *You learn this and I learn that, and when we choose to listen and learn from each other, we grow wiser—together."
"I think you're saying two heads are better than one."
"Yes—exactly—as long as both heads are on a non-defensive track. I think it’s tragic when awareness deepens after a significant relationship, which had once thrived, can barely survive. *In fact, I wonder how often we treat strangers with more respect than those we love."
"What makes you question that?"
*"Well, during times of conflict, our minds can get too hot to recognize when attitudes, sizzling with disrespect, sling insults, back and forth.... When that happens, too often, somethin's gotta give ..."
"Well, Annie, some people need that, and some people don't."
"Mom, here's my point—in fact, I've already discussed this with all of my kids: *People who love each other don’t absorb all of the same 'lessons', simultaneously. *When lessons concerning love or life roll in, they don’t present themselves in order like the ABC's. Since we each live through different experiences, here's what I've come to believe: *You learn this and I learn that, and when we choose to listen and learn from each other, we grow wiser—together."
"I think you're saying two heads are better than one."
"Yes—exactly—as long as both heads are on a non-defensive track. I think it’s tragic when awareness deepens after a significant relationship, which had once thrived, can barely survive. *In fact, I wonder how often we treat strangers with more respect than those we love."
"What makes you question that?"
*"Well, during times of conflict, our minds can get too hot to recognize when attitudes, sizzling with disrespect, sling insults, back and forth.... When that happens, too often, somethin's gotta give ..."
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