Ha!
My brain fooled me—again!
Experienced a major disappointment
Handled it well
Took good care of hearts in greater pain than mine
Told myself this is a set back
All will be well
And that's true
Even so
What of my pain?
In the past my defense system
Ensured that
Any pain of my own
Escaped conscious thought
Unknowingly, my pain bowed to that of others
In lieu of acknowleging and expressing
My sadness
I'd feared being a pain
And set my focus
On saying and doing
All the right things—to myself
I'd rationalized as to why
This will be for the best
And every rationalization
Cycling through my mind
Made perfect sense—
Just as rationalizations are meant to do
You see
Rationalization comes so close to logic
That we can hide complex emotions behind it
And in this way do mortals hide fear, sadness and pain
From ourselves by weaving tangled webs of pretense
Deep within our minds...
So sayth The Bard in my paraphrased way
And thus do defense systems
Cool down hot waves of emotion
Which would, otherwise
Throw the formation of astute problem solving plans
Off track
Though visiting this cool down
Is strategically wise on the part of the brain
Most especially
During times of crises
Tis not healthy to leave emotional pain
Simmering on back burners, overlong
Left in this unhealed state
Fear, pain, and sadness
Tend to condense, harden and encapsulate
Until hot rocks of emotion heat up ...
Experience a melt down ...
And pour forth as scorchingly as lava
At times when the conscious mind
Least expects the subconscious to erupt
Today, I awakened
Head-achy, heavy hearted
Still unable to cry
As the crises has passed
And all will be well
Why talk of crying,now?
Today
I feel the need to relieve a heavy load
Layers of self control are sloughing, at last
As my energy source had successfully and
Unconsciouslyheld waves of emotion in check
I grow aware of my own sense of sadness
Seeping out of my mind's subconscious maze
In fact, while writing, right now
A lonely tear slips out, here or there
Hopefully, the flood gates will open
So the cleansing nature of tears
Can plump up and wash condensed emotion
Out of my core
As unconscious condensing, containing
And dismissing too much fear, sadness, pain
Calls for pressure release ...
The same is true, my friends
Of developing too much self discipline ...
Eventually
Delayed reactions
Which have been repressed
And tightly wound, over long
May seep out, spring out or leap out ...
At times, which may seem awfully strange
As my reaction has been seeping out
Here and there for the past couple of days
I hope the flood gates will open, soon
Why?
No flood? No release.
No release, too little pressure relief
When healing remains incomplete
Shadows of pain remain raw, deep inside
As long as self-awareness remains foggy
The spirit has no clue of which dark clouds to lift
As awareness of trapped emotion clarifies
Tension obstructing blood flow to the brain
Begins to relax
And as hot rocks of trapped emotion plump up
And come clearly into view
Deep healing shapes up in 3D
So ... If you ask why
I choose to look in
When all's well that ends well ...
Here is what I'd say
Portions of pain, left unsealed
Tend to relapse with deja vu
When I choose to reflect
In hopes that my powers of self awareness
Will continue to develop ...
Guess what I may find while looking deep inside?
A similar situation, peeking out at me from the past
How do I know that to be true?
Because, my friends
That's exactly what happened—today!
Aha! I thought
Today's experience
Hath re-awakened a stone of
Yesteryear's unhealed pain
A jumping bean of ancient insecurity
Hath leaped out of the maze in my mind
Where raw pain awaits release
In hopes of healing, through and through
Can you guess where yesteryear's sense of rawness
Landed with quite a splash?
Right in the hot pot
Where today's pain
Has been stewing, for days...
Though euphoria doubles one's sense of pleasure
No one needs double doses of pain
Ah!
One tear just escaped from its well
And as it slides down my cheek
I hear my little voice of instinct
Whispering ...
Good Job, Annie
Keep mining ..uh.. writing
You're close to strike gold
Whereas denial piles old pain upon new
Art, music and dance therapy ...
Release stuffed emotion in cathartic ways
And the same is true when ...
Insight spotlights hot rocks of pain
While baring oneself to a skilled listener
Or while writing whatever comes to mind... until
Stuffed emotion exposes itself
Within an environment where
The whole self feels safe enough to emote!
So—this post leads me to ask:
Are creative folk more emotional than most ...
Or more to the point ...
Do artists identify and express emotions
Which others unknowingly stuff and profess not to own?
In truth
Emotion is universal to all living creatures...
In truth
Even plants stretch toward the light or wither and ... die
In truth
Repressed pain 'bleeds' out in countless ways
In truth
We all have emotional needs, which go unmet
In truth
How many of yours remain stuffed deep inside?
When conditioned to stuff
We may not feel our emotional reactions
But anesthetized emotion doth not equate
With extinguished emotion ..
Not by any stretch of the imagination
Though one may believe oneself
Less emotional than another
Insight into the psyche suggests
That our personas
May not know when we are estranged
From vital needs of our own
And that brings us back to this deeper truth:
We don't know what we don't know ...
And
The little we know is not all there is to know ...
When rationalization is fed, too often, to pain
Watch denial grow, growl and bite the messenger
Who thinks to smuggle insight into another's cocoon
Been there done that, wore out both of those caps
Nothing gained from knocking my head
Against solid walls made up of hot rocks
All I received for my efforts was a royal pain
And lots of tension headaches
As the only mind I can pry open is mine
Today, I don a thinking cap
In hopes that new frustration
May not pile atop of
That which remains unresolved
And thus ..
Having come to know what I've come to know
Thus far ...
I choose to live my life
Connected to myself as a whole ...
While wishing those
Who imagine themselves
As being less emotional, well
Time for a reality check:
Repressing emotion creates
Heart ache, head aches, sleepless nights
If trapped emotion doth not pour forth, soon
Extra Strength Excedrine
May offer me temporary relief
Until unresolved tension has time to unwind
I'd once been 'good' at releasing emotion, freely
Tears of sadness had poured forth as naturally
As Mother Nature had intended
Guess I heard 'don't feel that way'
'Don't cry, buck up, let a smile be your umbrella'
So often, that, being a good girl
My brain was conditioned to stop tears from flowing free
Ever wonder how often men were called
Cry baby
When they were little boys????
As for today, one tear escapes, now and then
Hopefully
I'll cut myself more slack
Tomorrow
Which is only a day away ...
Hey!
If my brain is stuffed with emotion
And my head is stuffed with unshed tears
Then maybe, everything that's packed too tight
Just needs to loosen up and pourinstinctively out!
Maybe we reach for medication when complexity
Grows too complex to figure out
All of a sudden
My spirit is sensing good reason
To lighten up on its own!
I mean, think about it ...
Easing my tension headache
By looking deep within and ...
Sorting through confusion until
I'd spied yesteryear's pain, pumping itself into today's
Makes sense of everything I'd felt!
As for now
Let's see if processing through today's musings
Deepens my sense of clarity
So that when tomorrow dawns ...
A renewed sense of inner peace relaxes the tension in my brain
Thus easing my way if faced with this problem, again
Your friend,
Annie
J See small, self induced smile lifting my spirit, already ...
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