25 and 26
For the sake of clarity … a bit of review: As each of us comes up against life's lessons at different times—and as no one bumps up against every lesson, we tend to call those who seem to have slept through certain stages of life and then, suddenly awaken—late bloomers. At some point, my conversation with Mom, concerning the aging process, swerves toward this direction:
For the sake of clarity … a bit of review: As each of us comes up against life's lessons at different times—and as no one bumps up against every lesson, we tend to call those who seem to have slept through certain stages of life and then, suddenly awaken—late bloomers. At some point, my conversation with Mom, concerning the aging process, swerves toward this direction:
"... my thoughts about ‘late bloomers’ have changed in this way: I believe we bloom in different ways—each in his own good time. I believe that during our golden years, those with open minds and youthful outlooks continue to grow wiser, sweeter, and more peaceful while others, who've not worked to accept the inevitability of changes—which we'd not choose, freely—grow ever more wizened, grumpy, and rude—or if not rude—then the spirit of a person, who remains at odds with inevitable change, may withdraw into itself.”
“Annie, we’ve lost so much by this age, how can we not?”
At this, I realize that Mom, now nearing 90, must be musing over the loss of my dad as well as her entire generation (except for Dad's sisters, Aunt Sari and Aunt Risa), so initially, my compassion acknowledges the depth of her grief with a heartfelt, “I know, Mom, I know." Then after swinging companionably lost in thought for a bit, I continue with, "Well, call me naïve, again, for suggesting this thought, but, here it comes ... *Though it's true that I've not experienced all that you have—yet—if I live longer than anyone in my generation then common sense suggests I'll need to factor luck, fate, and choice into my decisions in hopes of figuring out how to accept—the unacceptable. Oherwise, grief will seize control of my mind and shrink my spirit's capacity for joy. I mean, look at it this way, Mom: *Just as teens do not develop physically at exactly the same time, many aspects of emotional growth develop within each of us, at different times, for different reasons. It's a known fact that changes, which we'd not choose, create conflict. And resolving conflicts effectively depends upon opening our minds to guidance. You know—like we go to the doctor when our bodies are out of sorts. So if we go for guidance when our bodies are out of sorts, why not ask for guidance when our spirits are at half mast? Remember when you wanted Dad to get help?"
"Well, Annie, some people need that, and some don't."
"Mom, here's my point—in fact, I've already discussed these thoughts with all of my kids: *People who love each other don’t absorb all of the same 'lessons', simultaneously. *When lessons concerning love or life roll in, they don’t present themselves in order like the ABC's. Since we each live through different experiences, here's what I've come to believe: *You learn this and I learn that. Then, if we choose to listen openly to that which each of us has chosen to learn, we can digest new ideas so calmly that our comfort zones may expand, and in this way, we can grow wiser—together."
"I think you're saying two heads are better than one."
"Yes—exactly—as long as both heads are on a non-defensive track. *As soon as conflicting thoughts give rise to defensiveness, logic is blocked by the brain's basic instinct to fight/freeze/or flee. Think of how tragic it is when awareness deepens after a significant relationship, which had once thrived, can barely survive. *In fact, have you ever wondered why we debate with strangers more respectfully than with those we love."
"What makes you question that?"
*"Well, during times of conflict, our minds can get too hot to recognize when negative attitudes, sizzling with disrespect, sling insults, back and forth. When that happens, too often, somethin's gotta give ... and I think that something is trust ..."
At this point, Mom jumps in with, “Annie, how many people do you know who think like that?”
“More people, today, than ever before. There's so much self-help information available, concerning power struggles, today. I'm waiting for people to absorb wisdom that suggests we not repress as much human vulnerability behind the ‘perfect show’. I'm not talking about spitting at loved ones on reality shows. I'm referring to recognize how denial prevents us from identifying the crux of our problems. I'm waiting for information, concerning false fronts to become so widespread that denial loses its power to shield us from truths, too painful to accept. Socrates pleaded with his peers to know themselves centuries ago. And since many who delve into self-help, today, prove to be younger than me, I tend to share more thoughts with that younger crowd, whom I've begun to call The Self-help Generation.
Needless to say, early trauma isn’t the only factor that causes a person’s emotional center to shift. Too much of anything can unbalance clarity within the thought processing center of our minds. Kids can be raised with too much money, or too much poverty. Too much criticism—not enough encouragement. Too much coddled smothering, or too few smiles and hugs. Too much attentive nurturing from one parent while feeling ignored, invisible, and constantly disappointing to the other. When the bell shaped curve comes to mind, I can see why most people play it safe, huddling in the middle, where the majority clings as close to ‘average’ or 'ordinary' as possible. *If insecurity narrows comfort zones then sheep, who seek safety in herds, are afraid to express themselves, freely, as unique individuals. Most people do not think of themselves as belonging to the animal kingdom, but all of us do. *Sometimes when basic needs go unmet, for too long, we bite, sniff, and pounce, like animals—because LIFE is our jungle, and survival instincts, which still exist in our brain stems, rule. *Just as with all animals, our basic instincts adhere to the theory of ‘survival of the fittest’ in a variety of subconscious ways. *I’ll bet very few people realize how much basic instincts, past experiences, internal conflicts, unmet needs, strengths and vulnerabilities determine our choice of a mate. I remember a naïve remark uttered by one of our guy friends, newly married for the second time: ‘My new wife doesn’t have any baggage.’ I remember thinking, ‘Yeah, right. You’ve met the ‘perfect’ Juliette. Good luck, Romeo.’ ”
Needless to say, early trauma isn’t the only factor that causes a person’s emotional center to shift. Too much of anything can unbalance clarity within the thought processing center of our minds. Kids can be raised with too much money, or too much poverty. Too much criticism—not enough encouragement. Too much coddled smothering, or too few smiles and hugs. Too much attentive nurturing from one parent while feeling ignored, invisible, and constantly disappointing to the other. When the bell shaped curve comes to mind, I can see why most people play it safe, huddling in the middle, where the majority clings as close to ‘average’ or 'ordinary' as possible. *If insecurity narrows comfort zones then sheep, who seek safety in herds, are afraid to express themselves, freely, as unique individuals. Most people do not think of themselves as belonging to the animal kingdom, but all of us do. *Sometimes when basic needs go unmet, for too long, we bite, sniff, and pounce, like animals—because LIFE is our jungle, and survival instincts, which still exist in our brain stems, rule. *Just as with all animals, our basic instincts adhere to the theory of ‘survival of the fittest’ in a variety of subconscious ways. *I’ll bet very few people realize how much basic instincts, past experiences, internal conflicts, unmet needs, strengths and vulnerabilities determine our choice of a mate. I remember a naïve remark uttered by one of our guy friends, newly married for the second time: ‘My new wife doesn’t have any baggage.’ I remember thinking, ‘Yeah, right. You’ve met the ‘perfect’ Juliette. Good luck, Romeo.’ ”
If you watch 'stars'(?) on reality shows, flinging verbal garbage, left and right, you're playing witness to how blind each can be to one's own baggage hanging out in plain sight. As for me ... my mind can't 'stomach' those shows. Why? I see enough defensive baggage hanging out, wherever I go. When I find myself channel surfing, while watching T.V. that means my mind is looking to relax. As reality shows make me think about 'my work', I click them off as fast as they flash across the screen. Imagine a CPA, sitting down to relax, watching a show called TACKLING TAXES, during March! Ha! Not gonna happen!
By the way, I've decided to give myself a break. I'm not going back to the beginning of my blog to clean up posts written, months ago. It's enough to write, today's thoughts, and leave the house with fun in mind. Take yesterday, for example: In the morning—had fun with two of my girls. Wrote in the afternoon. Rested. Cocktail-partied with neighbors—dressed in Green—top'o'the'mornin'to you! Followed by dinner with dear friends. Yesterday held all that we hope the Golden Years will offer—more often than not. What today will bring is yet to be seen. As life can change on the spin of a dime, here's my new plan: I'll continue to edit recent posts. As to posts penned, long ago, I'll choose to relax with the fact that yesterday's complexities are a thing of the past ... Ahhh! That decision erases a weight from my mind. As to now—I'll press publish, and get a couple of errands done, like... Uh ... wait—why in the world would you want to hear about aspects of my life as mundane as that? J
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