Meanwhile, back on the swing, I'm about to decode this mind twisting insight for my mother:
‘We don’t know what we don’t know.’
After we stop chuckling I continue with, "That's such a funny way of saying: *The little we know is not all there is to know.
*When judgment is based in the little we can see on the surface, it's easy to underestimate the depths of each other’s abilities, experiences, complexities and emotions. When someone is misperceived, too often, we may minimize that person’s courage, trials and tribulations. Misperceive someone, too often, and watch resentment grow. As resentment grows, bonds of intimacy unravel.
*As the brain is preprogrammed to make snap judgments, I work to recognize and neutralize my judgments while listening to a story unfold. Why? *Because misjudgment tends to cancel compassion.
If, at the beginning of the story, my scope is too narrow, it's easy to withhold compassion when emotional support is needed most. When blindspots fail to see dis/similarities between one experience and another, we mistake apples for oranges. *Compare another to yourself, and all too often your scope may be egocentric in nature.
*When judgment is based in the little we can see on the surface, it's easy to underestimate the depths of each other’s abilities, experiences, complexities and emotions. When someone is misperceived, too often, we may minimize that person’s courage, trials and tribulations. Misperceive someone, too often, and watch resentment grow. As resentment grows, bonds of intimacy unravel.
*As the brain is preprogrammed to make snap judgments, I work to recognize and neutralize my judgments while listening to a story unfold. Why? *Because misjudgment tends to cancel compassion.
If, at the beginning of the story, my scope is too narrow, it's easy to withhold compassion when emotional support is needed most. When blindspots fail to see dis/similarities between one experience and another, we mistake apples for oranges. *Compare another to yourself, and all too often your scope may be egocentric in nature.
By consciously paying attention to my snap judgments, I can neutralize my thoughts, so that the logical part of my thought processor remains engaged with details still being revealed. *When I stop judgment from filtering through my mind, my listening skills remain sharp. In this way, my thoughts don't fog up the main issue, which the speaker is trying to convey.
*This attitude of sharpening my listening acuity focuses my mind solely upon the specific situation at hand. When my thoughts do not muddy up the conversation, I can more easily grasp and digest the crux of the problem as it stands. *As details fill in the blanks of a story, and the complexity of the speaker’s dilemma clarifies, my questions tend to be sensitively placed and compassionately phrased."
"You don't always listen as patiently as you think, Annie."
"Of course not, Mom. My brain is as human as anyone else's. That's why listening skills need to be practiced. On the other hand, if I hear the same story, repeatedly, without a hint of change, then my frustration climbs. Eventually, situations like that exceed tons of patience, Mom. I'm not working toward Super Humanhood; I'm working toward clarity. There's so much we think to know, but don't. Not just about others. About ourselves. Eventually closed mindedness makes my head ache.
*This attitude of sharpening my listening acuity focuses my mind solely upon the specific situation at hand. When my thoughts do not muddy up the conversation, I can more easily grasp and digest the crux of the problem as it stands. *As details fill in the blanks of a story, and the complexity of the speaker’s dilemma clarifies, my questions tend to be sensitively placed and compassionately phrased."
"You don't always listen as patiently as you think, Annie."
"Of course not, Mom. My brain is as human as anyone else's. That's why listening skills need to be practiced. On the other hand, if I hear the same story, repeatedly, without a hint of change, then my frustration climbs. Eventually, situations like that exceed tons of patience, Mom. I'm not working toward Super Humanhood; I'm working toward clarity. There's so much we think to know, but don't. Not just about others. About ourselves. Eventually closed mindedness makes my head ache.
On the other hand, when I'm the one in the hot seat, listening to another person’s perception of me, I need to work at mustering the courage, patience, humility, and self control to listen thoroughly in hopes of responding with clarity. I can't do that without sitting my ego in time out."
"That's a lot to expect of people, Annie."
"I know that, Mom. I didn't say I expect that of others. I was referring to what I've come to expect of myself. Here's what I'm getting at: *If two people develop the strength to place their defense mechanisms in time out, then both develop attitudes of mutual trust, necessary for securing emotional intimacy.
*If attitude is everything then two people, whose attitudes bend toward listening with an open mind, develop a deep sense of trust. *Trust allows us to engage in discussions where misperceptions are not reasons for blood to boil. As long as conversations remain warm, trusting, compassionate and calm, misperceptions, which might otherwise intensify feelings of tension, clarify and resolve.
*If attitude is everything then two people, whose attitudes bend toward listening with an open mind, develop a deep sense of trust. *Trust allows us to engage in discussions where misperceptions are not reasons for blood to boil. As long as conversations remain warm, trusting, compassionate and calm, misperceptions, which might otherwise intensify feelings of tension, clarify and resolve.
“That can’t happen all the time, Annie.”
“Of course not, Mom. My point is that peaceful resolution takes place too rarely. *When misperceptions persist, the crux of a conflict remains unidentified.*
All too often, misperception makes us react like angry, wounded bears. *As insensitive judgments zing, back and forth, through the air, conversations grow as tense as a hungry, uncaged zoo.
Like any skill that's worth the work, listening skills take time and practice to develop. *When people make a conscious effort to remain calm and ‘think before they speak’ emotional baggage is less apt to fling, back and forth. Less baggage, more clarity.
"You know, Annie, I never thought of listening as a skill."
"Well, it is, Mom. And No skill develops without practice. *As listening skills develop, hot-headed conversations become level headed; tension lessens all around and anxiety doesn't throw our thought processors off track. *When two people learn how to engage, less often with ego, more often with humility, we stay on track with the people we love."
All too often, misperception makes us react like angry, wounded bears. *As insensitive judgments zing, back and forth, through the air, conversations grow as tense as a hungry, uncaged zoo.
Like any skill that's worth the work, listening skills take time and practice to develop. *When people make a conscious effort to remain calm and ‘think before they speak’ emotional baggage is less apt to fling, back and forth. Less baggage, more clarity.
"You know, Annie, I never thought of listening as a skill."
"Well, it is, Mom. And No skill develops without practice. *As listening skills develop, hot-headed conversations become level headed; tension lessens all around and anxiety doesn't throw our thought processors off track. *When two people learn how to engage, less often with ego, more often with humility, we stay on track with the people we love."
I’ve experienced some painful lessons about love and friendship during these past few years. And I think that's common to us, all. *Insights into love and life, which, at first, were really difficult to see, altered my role in every relationship I'd valued. *Surprising experiences changed many of my perceptions, and as perceptions change, so do attitudes. (RR&R) *As attitude is everything, my views of life, friendship and love expanded in ways that turned me into a stranger to myself—for a while.
At first, I didn't like my 'new' self, at all. *I was blind to growing pains and misperceived the fact that my pain intensified when misjudgment poured salt into wounds, which had been buried, alive, a long time ago. *I didn't know that traumatic experiences in fifth and sixth grades had inflamed the pain I'd felt when Will and I separated. In fact, I didn't even know those experiences were traumatic!
*Today, I'm more honest with myself about myself. *The more I learn about classic aspects of human nature, the less surprised I am by reactions, which had shocked me so painfully.
At first, I didn't like my 'new' self, at all. *I was blind to growing pains and misperceived the fact that my pain intensified when misjudgment poured salt into wounds, which had been buried, alive, a long time ago. *I didn't know that traumatic experiences in fifth and sixth grades had inflamed the pain I'd felt when Will and I separated. In fact, I didn't even know those experiences were traumatic!
*Today, I'm more honest with myself about myself. *The more I learn about classic aspects of human nature, the less surprised I am by reactions, which had shocked me so painfully.
*The more I understand about growing pains, the more grateful I feel about the concept of choice, which allows me to grow into the person I need to be. *Whenever a major change blows in, forcing me to engage with a growth spurt, today, I look for insight, which may inspire the narrow scope of my perception to expand, and in this way, my attitudes mature—again. Instead of pointing fingers, I ask: What am I missing that I need to know ..."
When Mom says, "Annie—It sounds exhausting to be you!" I laugh and respond, "In one way or another, we all exhaust ourselves. No more gerbil on a wheel in cage, spinning dizzily for me.
It's not thinking deep that exhausts my mind, Mom. It's opening my vulnerabilities to judgmental mouths and deaf ears. It's feeling surrounded and closed in by other people's defensive walls. I thought I was knocking on the right doors, when I'd asked for help. In truth I was as blind as the walls against which I'd knocked my head. When I finally recognized that those walls refused to come down, I stopped knocking. (Or so I'd thought. We don't know what we don't know ...)
*Today, I expect judgment from solid walls with deaf ears; they're a matched set. *Perhaps exhaustion hits when we're faced with the same lessons, again and again, but fail to recognize those lessons as being one and same...
*Each time insight offers clarity, my perception alters, my inner conflict resolves, my expectations change and my spirit has less reason to drag with unexpected disappointment, next time around. *When it comes to digesting tough lessons, concerning love and life—well, with each new insight, I can strengthen another vulnerability. And what could be more energizing and life affirming than embracing a positive change like that?"
On one hand, change is feared for good reason: It's discomforting not to know where we may end up—more deeply connected to those we love, or farther apart.On the other hand: Clarity coupled with positive focus builds self trust, which lessens fear. As for me, better to fly toward insight and clarity than wrap my brain inside a cocoon, where lost in a maze of confusion, I'd unknowingly rubbed salt into ancient pain ... hard on yourself? Hard on others. Attitude is everything ... OK OK, I know, I know. Just so tired of seeing families in pain, rubber bands snapping, here, there, every where ... ever wonder what Dr. Seuss would have written about divorce? wherever I go ...
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