442 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 37

"... As today's need for immediate gratification has been chipping away at the solid foundation of middle class values, creating a chasm between the ‘haves and have nots’ for many years (Think Rome or not so far back or picture The 99%' in France, rioting and cheering while the guillotine severed the heads of the rich.), makes me question whether denial make us think ourselves immune.


It’s as though we're piloting a crop dusting plane that can’t stop releasing the poisons of greed across the land.  If the compelling nature of our nation's Midas touch doesn't open its eyes to dark storm clouds collecting, directly overhead, in time to shift gears, we're bound to clip our wings and spiral out of control into a catastrophic downhill spin, really soon.

*Once upon a time, we'd lived not far from Tom Sneva, who'd said, ‘The wall always wins'.  As a champion race car driver, Tom was referencing racing cars, spiraling out of control, smashing into walls, exploding into flames.  Bale.  Bale.  Bale.  On the other hand, we have Wall Street's CEO's, flying out of control in private planes or sailing their yachts, filled with friends, to mansions, fancied throughout the world.  And once again, we hear—Bale!  Bale!  Bale!—while The 99% wail and rail to no avail.  While watching Clooney and Trump declare: 'You're fired!', we're relieved to see no bread lines—as of yet.  No statements like: 'Feed your family cake.'  (Which, by the way, is one of many misperceptions, which I'll bring to your attention, because Marie never uttered those words  Those words were attributed to her in an underground rag, penned by a brother-in-law who'd wanted to take the monarchy down—and not realizing himself in the same boat, he went down with the ship, as well!)


The wall I reference, repeatedly, is not unlike each of theirs.  While pointing to others, the wall of denial blinds us to our own loss of emotional control.  Denial confuses basic needs of survival with the thrill of feeding extravagant wants at supersonic speeds—regardless of what may be lost in the bargain.  I'm not just referencing material wealth.  I'm referencing friendships, hollowing out, as well.


I watch people point fingers and fling blame at the hearts and minds of others with the same haste as a relay runner passes a wooden baton that’s caught fire.  And passing the buck has to stop, because the people we’re burning are the ill, whose insurance won’t cover necessary tests, hospital stays, physical therapy; the overworked, who need two incomes to make ends meet; the aged, who'd cared for us in our youth; and most especially—our kids—who depend upon common sense to role model emotional maturity during life’s hardest times.  (Whew!  Don't even get me started!)  *In recent years I've been referring to common sense as uncommon sense, because it proves to be so rare ..."


"Annie, you write for hours, every day.  Doesn't your mind need a rest?"


"Seriously?  Well, yes, I do need more rest during times of confusion.  Who doesn't?  But once clarity is mine, I sleep solidly at night.  And peace of mind is worth the work.


In keeping with 'one thing leads to another', here's what inspired my desire to write to grow so strong:  Upon looking back, I think my mind has grown more active in compensation for everything my body hasn't been able to do for many years.  During the years when I was able to drive farther distances (and tote my materials around the valley) to teach or play tennis or walk with my friends, I'd spent less time reading and writing, more time, playing, listening and speaking.


As years passed and my condition grew worse, I'd felt frustrated by all I couldn't do.  So, my persona ignored levels of pain, climbing behind my wall of denial, and as a natural consequence of ignoring reality, I'd end up in bed for long spells.


Today, I choose to spend more time reading and writing rather than running around and talking to people, who are also out and about.  It's never been my habit to turn on the TV during the day, and I can feed the teacher in me by sending whatever I learn into cyberspace without straying too far from my house.  When much of the nonsense I hear offends my ear, my mind feels inspired to express trains of thought, which gain in clarity as I write one post after another, day by day.  So if you ask what compels me to sit down to write my way toward deeper insights into life, every day, here's what I'd say: I've found that while embracing a quiet life, which takes good care of my body, my spirit feels well nourished by absorbing information that makes good sense of nonsense.  Then, by passing on what I learn my sense of productivity remains well fed, as well.  And you know what 'they' say:  Love your work and you'll never work a day in your life."


And as that sets us to laughing, again, that's quite enough for today ... Hmmm—in case I wrote that thought a post or two ago, please bear with me.  I know that certain thoughts pop out of my mind, again and again.  I also know that if there's one thing I am in need of but do not have—as of yet—it's an editor ...
J

441 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 36 (Most important post, so far ...)

36A
2002
"Mom, if I white wash our family's character traits there’s no purpose in my writing, at all…  I’m penning this family saga to inspire individuals, couples, siblings and friends to set false pride aside in favor of mustering the humility to acknowledge personal vulnerabilities in need of strengthening.  *I wonder how many people realize that courage and humility are the first two strengths we need to garner before our minds open to soaking in wisdom.

*I hope to show how counselors, who listen so astutely as to respond with accuracy, compassionately, encourage us to connect ever more courageously with insight into  acknowledging insecurities, which darken our perceptions, thus creating distorted mis/perceptions.


*Each time insight into subconscious insecurities emerge, I can work at developing strengths necessary to confront negative attitudes with a greater sense of clarity than ever before.

*By illustrating the frequency with which insight into change for the better continues to provide me with inner peace, my stories may inspire others to choose to dive into the deep end of their minds, where confusing mind mazes cause specific aspects of your life and mine to spiral downhill. Each time clarity replaces confusion, resulting in a downhill spiral straightening out, the most confounding aspects of my life begin to make sense.


Each time insight into common sense flashes like a bolt of lightening through my mind, I'm amazed to see another hot spot of defensive insecurity emerge.  And once this insecurity shows itself, I understand why my perception had darkened yet another slice of reality.


Each time a self-conceived distortion clarifies, I soothe my natural reaction of humiliation by consciously tuning into humility.  Once humility is mine defensive reactions can't grab control over my think tank.  And thus does humility offer me countless opportunities to strengthen vulnerabilities to which my ego had been blind.  And what, I ask, results in a more heartening attitude than watching myself carving a step-by-step approach toward self empowerment, like that!" 

"Annie, Trying to picture what goes on in your mind makes me dizzy!"

"I'm sure that's true, Mom.  But, I'd rather see my mind as a beehive, producing honey than a hornets's nest of discontent."

"How in the world can you convey all of this in your stories?"

As questions like these make me dig deep, I hunker down for a while before this response pops out of my mouth, as though all on it's own …

*Well, some stories will show my ego puffing up my persona, like a hollow balloon filled with hot air, while others may inspire readers to work consciously at embracing humility in hopes of influencing their children, who unconsciously emulate their role models, to place a high value on developing a step-by-step approach toward heightening levels of self awareness through each stage of life—as in:  Little-monkey-see-what-big-monkey-do-and-then-little-monkey-tends-to-do-it-too …

As one story rolls into another, I can demonstrate our nation's need to conserve energy in more ways than one.  As a nation of men women, addicted to work, we need to slow down the pace of our lives and think smart about how we speak to, spend time with, educate and influence the attitudes of children, who are developing into tomorrow's world leaders.  If attitude is everything then, one day, our children's attitudes (absorbed at home) will be in charge of leading us. I hope to inspire that insight to soak into so many minds that more of us will ask questions such as these:  Where will our children take US (individually and as a nation) as we age?  Will our nation remain at the peak of our development or will Jack and Jill keep tumbling farther downhill?  *If we yell at kids, today, should we be surprised if they yell at us, when we're old, vulnerable and in need of compassionate help?  Just as impatience swings both ways, compassion does the same …

Since each child develops into a unique individual, I hope to inspire minds to seek insight into understanding where one child's vulnerability differs from the next. If the apple doth not fall far from the tree and if siblings seem to grow into each other's opposites then it makes sense to consider this next question, seriously: *What might cause one child to absorb certain traits from one role model while another child tends to absorb more traits from the other?

"So, you plan to answer these questions in your stories?"


"Well, I'll answer what I can and attempt to address delemmas, which continue to confound me, while asking readers to add their two cents in the comment box provided at the end of each post. As most of what I learn combines research with personal experience, I'm eager to enrich my mind with insights, which others have researched and experienced, as well.

Children are not in need of role models who value flying-as-high-as-the-Jones’s. *Children need calm, dependable role models, whose lives are grounded in well-balanced values, which offered thirteen colonies countless opportunities to develop into a world power second to none.

If we don't gain insight into the fact that our nation's out-of-control, because our high-flying life style sets such an unrealistic expectation on immediate gratification then we’re bound to smash, blindly, into a brick wall of our own making—again and again.  And if there's a first time for everything then our next crash may prove too severe from which to bounce back …

36B

2002

As low as our economy has sunk, thus far, most families have not hit bottom, yet. So, just as we need congressmen, who can work together to make significant changes for the betterment of the nation as a whole—children need parents to open their eyes to what has catalyzed our divorce rate to sky rocket over these past fifty years. Once the key to that power struggle is firmly snapped into the pocket of our minds, we may be able to instill stability, based in trust, into home after home.  In short, it's trust, based in solid values, which will turn the downhill spiral of family life around.  And—if attitude, timing and readiness are everything, then insight into self-destructive attitudes is imperative if we hope to turn surviving toward thriving, again. 

Whenever I think about downward spirals, the fall of Rome comes to mind. And I’ve heard others say the same—again and again, because world powers (and families) don’t crash, over night.  *World powers crash the same way families tear apart, one blind step at a time.  As blind denial eats away at all we value, everyone points fingers of blame, and all too few hold themselves accountable when howling winds of negative change pick up the pace and ears deafen when insight into common sense and clarity, concerning reality, knock at the door of our brains. Think of what happened in France when The 99% got hungry enough to grab hold of the rope that lowered the guillotine ... "


"Wait a minute, Annie.  You can't think to change the world by yourself."


"Mom, I've heard that before. I'm not the only one standing on a soapbox, writing about these issues.  I'm writing in hopes of awakening each person's awareness of personal accountability.  Our law makers didn't cause our nation's economy to fail any more than young people teach themselves to be lax.  We all participate in downhill spirals in one way or another.


Our nation is a family made of up unique individuals.  And every member of a family must come to understand how each one's self destructive traits breed disillusionment, discontent and distrust before the family can begin to heal as a whole.  Same thing is true of society as a whole.  Family.  Nation.  Global community—at the same time that one hand feeds the other, we need to confront reasons why one hand cheats on the other.  We need to confront the nature of our own forked tongues.  In every aspect of life, walls of denial blind us to deeper truths ...

*By choosing to share insight into the classic nature of my mistakes, I hope to inspire others to acknowledge both sides of human nature within themselves ... Because:  (RR&R)


We can't grow toward whole-someness while denying the sum of our parts.


*We each need to connect with humility if we're ever to recognize how our egos puff up our personas, which try to pull at the heart strings of others.  We need to see how our egos manipulate others by turning loved ones into puppets, who see us as saints and do our bidding.  *If we don't stop being blind to the subtle nature of passive aggressive power struggles, we'll never connect honestly and thus intimately with anyone ... most especially, ourselves.


As more of us acknowledge personal insecurities and identify insecurities in others, we'll each shore up the strengths necessary to stop spiraling downhill,  one home at a time.  And as knowledge continues to spread throughout our nation by way of reading, attending classes, and grabbing the attention of the media, one day, in the distant future, educated insight will encircle the globe. Thank goodness for the internet. Each time I click on stats and spy a new nation, my spirit jumps for joy."


The reality of our having grown into a global community suggests that we can't maintain our nation's 'good health' by ignoring 'poor health' around the world, anymore.  We are our brother's keepers, literally ...


"So, now you're saying everything is connected, right?"


"Exactly!  And the ways in which we interconnect will come clear, story by story.  *As each story unfolds, I can show how 'the story of life' unfolds like a three act play in which all go up and all fall down—as if we're riding a teeter-totter or existing within a nursery rhyme. It's my hope that as one mind inspires the next to open to wisdom, we'll each climb up the hill and drink from wells of wisdom, which tend to replenish themselves from one generation to the next."  


Act one
Jack and Jill climbed up the hill
To fetch a pail of life sustaining water


Act two
In haste, Jack ran too fast, fell down and broke his crown
Then, while declaring her independence, Jill hit the glass ceiling and came tumbling after


Act three ...
... Remains to be seen, but if you ask me
Tis high time for Jack and Jill to hold hands and climb up that hill with greater care than before


If I wrote act three, here is what you'd see ...
Both Jack and Jill will dip into and drink from the well of knowledge, which is available to all
Otherwise, what ever is left of our powers (at home, nationally, globally) will continue to dry up


PS
*This post may best clarify my purpose for popping up on your screen, day after day, in hopes of empowering individuals, families and our family of nations with trains of thought, such as these:


Once we hold no one accountable for our mistakes other than oneself, that's when our downhill spirals will begin to make sense.


*Once we connect the details of our lives with insight into common sense, perceptions change, turmoil is understood, clarity opens eyes to reality and we feel empowered to leave the mind maze behind and walk the path of insight, which brightens spirits, strengthen hearts, and turns lives around.


Having found the key to exiting the classic nature of my mind-maze, it's my aim to show you what I had to do to pick my spirit up, dust my mind off and gain control over the disheartening aspects of my life.


As my mistaken perceptions pop up in story after story, it's my belief that you, too, may come to see that the proof is in the pudding ... Whatever the heck that means ...

440 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 35 (Grandma)

“Mom, one more thing:  I know you’re concerned about how my stories will portray Grandma Ella, so, rest assured …  I’m describing your mother as a fun loving, God fearing woman—whose passionate nature and early-life experiences led her to develop a strong defense system and an iron will. I’m describing Grandma as being as human as every other good, caring person, I know.  Like you, Dad, Will and me ...

*I’m writing about emotional conflicts, which are intensified by the fact that change is the only constant in life, suggesting why every generation absorbs and passes forward mixed messages that mess with our minds much more often than we know!
  

Grandma had been Janet’s caretaker and mine whenever you and Dad went out.  As very little was known about SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and as common sense suggests that an overwhelming sense of guilt took a gargantuous bite out of Grandma's peace of mind when Janet died on her watch, and as Grandma feared the wrath of a rightous god—well—the tragic events, which followed in the aftermath of Janet's death, were in keeping with Grandma's fearful, negatively focused—bordering on superstitious—religious beliefs …" 

439 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 34

34
2002
... Think about it, Mom, isn’t it in your best interest and mine to name and tame personal traits that cause us to self-defeat?”  

Being on a roll, I have no clue if Mom is about to respond, because my train of thought chugs straight ahead with … *"I’m writing about recognizing our egos’ false sense of pride, so we can set it aside, embrace humility and listen to the voice of wisdom when it whispers, by way of instinct, into our ear. *Thank goodness we have two ears, so while one opens to nonsense, the other can welcome wisdom, which proves timeless, universal and thus, classic. *Inner conflict occurs when wisdom and nonsense tussle back and forth inside our minds. And if nonsense tends to win until insight into self awareness hits, well—that's life.  I'm deeply thankful for those times when insight shines a spotlight on a forgotten detail that highlights a perception in need of reconsideration. Upon reflection, I'm able to spot insecurities, which produce hot spots of vulnerability. Once vulnerabilities clarity, I can transform them into strengths."

"Annie, that sounds like a lot of work!"

"It is work, Mom. It's my work. My chosen work. I'm utterly fascinated by the workings of our brains. And you know what 'they' say: if you love your work, you'll never work a day in your life. Will is fascinated with sports. His mind soaks in more facts about sports than anyone I know, while I absorb insights, concerning our brains."åç

"But, why? When did all of this become so important to you?"

"I'm not sure, Mom. Maybe it started when I began to learn the effectiveness of logical consequences instead of fighting with my kids.  That's when my interest in power struggles and conflict resolution sunk in deep.  Now that I think about it, while consciously training their brains to channel logical thoughts, I must have begun to unconsciously retrain my own—because—one thing leads to another."

After swinging and musing quietly for a bit, my train of thought approaches this station ...

*At this point I have time to consciously retrain my mind to be attentive when wisdom-through-the-ages signals my instincts to quest for insight, which, hopefully, will sweeten my spirit and nourish my mind with productivity as I age.  If I hold myself accountable for enriching my life while extending help to others then my mind will remained focused on expanding in self respectful ways rather than allowing myself to shrink, unknowingly, into a wizened, disillusioned, narrow minded, old person, who, feeling alone, forgotten and unappreciated, becomes, privately, more and more depressed. I figure it this way; if I've trained my mind to accept constant physical pain, I can train it to accept old age, as well. I remember, once, when Dad and I were talking about his depression in terms of everything he could no longer do. I remember Dad saying I'd find out what that felt like, one day. I remember replying, I already know how it feels to become more and more limited in what I can do—and if attitude is everything, then I've decided to age with a positive attitude, like Mom's. At that, Dad smiled and said, 'Sounds like a good idea, Annie. More power to you if you can do it.'"

After thinking for a bit, Mom responds, "I know exactly what you mean, Annie. A positive attitude is important. That's why I don't like to spend time with people my age. They're such old biddies."

"It's really great that you're so young at heart, Mom. On the other hand, everyone doesn't turn into an 'old biddy'.  In every group I've ever joined at least one or two people connect with me mindfully, intimately ... as though we're kindred spirits, who've known each other, forever.  And in thinking along those lines, the same is true for Will and each of our kids.  Wouldn't you say that was true for you, too?"

"Oh, they're all old ninnies, Annie."

Not to be deterred, my roll resumes: "Well—I’m writing about seeking insight into relationships, which are strengthened by good humor, trust and mutual respect. When two minds connect, instinctively, in trusting and respectful ways, conflict resolution formulates decisions, based in common sense.  In the presence of power struggles, trust disappears, and in the absence of trust, relationships with lovers, husbands, wives, parents, children, siblings, friends, colleagues, and—most especially—with ourselves—are bound to grow emotionally hot.  Power struggles, which remain unidentified and thus unresolved, can be shoved under the rug for only so long."

“OK, Annie.  I get it.”  At this, I sense my mother's brain is in need of a break, but my on button is stuck and my off button is no where to be found, so I smile and add:

“Mom, just one more thing ... I know you’re concerned about how I’ll portray Grandma, so, rest assured …"  

438 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 33

In retrospect, Mom's question (“Annie, what makes all of this so important to you, now?”) must have energized doors to swing open in my mind, because words line up into sentences, which pour out of my mouth as though barrels of thought had fermented in my subconscious until the time was ripe to express my thirst for knowledge concerning misperceptive rationalizations, which in the long run don't make sense. In short, it's not unusual for me to be surprised when much of what I soak in pours out, as though all on it's own! Ha! No wonder why the classes I teach are two hours in length! No wonder why certain posts grow longer than I'd like to admit. After years of amassing a library of effective communications within the storehouse of my neocortex ... Ask me a question and watch as a barrage of insights ride out of my mouth on trains of thought, which clarify my need to understand and express the complex workings of our brains. I mean, if knowledge is power and if teachers are bound to share knowledge when asked questions concerning their field of study, then ask me a question and watch my eagerness to share the power of effective communications to the best of my present abilities. So in answer to Mom's question, here is a brief summary of thoughts that pour forth as soon as the button is pushed, which throws the teacher mode of my mind into gear: :

“While studying family communications, I became fascinated by the fact that much of what we assume to be true does not make sense.

*As a whole, society contradicts itself, so often that our minds tend to mix nonsense in with common sense.  I’m writing to encourage people to be more attentive to the little voice of instinct, which squawks inside us, all.  If we don't encourage the little voice, to grow in depth, strength and clarity then creative juices, which propel society to make strides toward self respect will continue to plod sluggishly along.  in lieu of 'self' respect, the channels of our minds remain too fearfully narrow to embrace creative thoughts, which inspire individuals to calm anxiety, which catalyzes our need to huddle close to the 'safety' of the herddown. In short, as long as we fear making mistakes, which may lead to our being ostracized, our minds will follow a leader, whose rationalizations appear to make sense, when in truth, everyone who buys into this leader's presumptive misperceptions join the club where 'the blind lead the blind'. Though I don't want to be ostracized any more than anyone else, I've chosen to connect with those who learn to make astute use of their brains by expanding channels in their minds, which invite eye-opening insights that serve as tools for widening narrow comfort zones, which remain constricted when fear embraces ignorance over learning.

You see, eentually, here's what happens when fear causes you to elevate yourself by putting the other guy down: Someone who cares deeply for you will, eventually, pay more attention to the little voice of instinct, which stops whispering and starts squawking: Tired of being used as a tool? Tired of mopping up problems that keep welling up? Then stand up; seek insight into clarity; speak up; go unheard for too long? Tip your hat; wish others well and choose a healthier path ... ever hopeful that those who fear the shadowlands within their minds may, one day, feel ready to recognize self-fulfilling, negative attitudes, which relentlessly push you away each time you draw too near. Unfortunately, these mind mazes tend to be so complicated that it's difficult to recognize one from another, until we can separate that which seems to be similar on the surface from that which is singularly dissimilar once you dive deeper into the mind.

I’m writing about the subtleties of power struggles, which take place within every level of society:  Power struggles that undermine friendships, families, and most importantly, the ways in which inner conflict messes with clarity within each one's head.  I’m writing about emotionally impoverished people, who love defensively vs. people, whose generosity of spirit loves freely, fully and hopefully by offering others the benefit of the doubt rather than leaping toward judgmental assumptions—because, in truth:  *All too many have no clue as to when negatively focused judgments, based in insecure misperceptions, push others away.

*I’m writing about consciously emulating our parents’ admirable traits, while learning to recognize unconscious attitudes of negativity, which kids have no clue of having soaked in as impressionable minds absorb patterns of thought from caregivers, such as one parent or the other, or a grandparent, aunt or uncle, teacher, clergyman,or peers, such as older siblings, baby sitters, classmates and friends.  I plan to offer examples of peer pressure, which continues to influence decisions that are not in anyone's best interest.

*I'm writing in hopes of inspiringdepth in self awareness, concerning those times when our egos step out of line, provoking the persona to swell with superiority when, in truth, we’re hiding from an overwhelming sense of inferiority<. I'm writing about hot spots of insecurity that breed contempt, because of discontent.  *I mean, think about it, Mom, isn’t it in each person's best interest to name and tame personal traits, which cause self-defeat, repeatedly?”  Being on a roll, I have no clue if Mom is about to respond, because my train of thought picks up steam and chugs straight ahead with … 

437 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 32

32
2002
At this point Mom asks, “Annie, why are you asking so many questions about events that took place so long ago?”

“Well, Mom, I’ve been writing about experiences that played a vital part in shaping my character traits. Then, I'm going to describe scenes from Will's youth, which had most likely influenced the development of his traits, as well."
"Does Will know you plan to write about him?"
"Yes.  In fact, I asked for his permission, and he said, okay, as long as he has the right of first refusal if what I write makes him uncomfortable.  Will knows I’m writing about mixed messages and frightening experiences that prevent us from seeing which of our perceptions are misperceptions in need of clarification.  He knows I’m writing about insecurities that cause negative attitudes and self-defeating patterns, which propel us toward making ineffective decisions that impede us from meeting our needs or achieving heartfelt goals .  Will understands my need to describe societal pressures that influence boys and girls to develop into adults, who have no clue as to how often we follow prescribed patterns of behavior instead of employing common sense.  You know, Mom, it's not just cults that brainwash people's minds.  In fact, if you stop to think about it, brainwashing is responsible for much of what each of us is taught to feel, think, believe ... and despise. Seriously, much of what we absorb during childhood creates negatively focused, darkly prejudicial viewpoints that fester without intentional or legitimate provocation,”

“Annie, what makes you so curious about all of this, now?"

436 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 31

31
The impact of Mom's last sentence catches me off guard.  Though I know that Mom takes Janice’s photo out, from time to time, and though, the daughter she’d lost has come up in our conversations more often than you might think, my comprehension of Mom’s sense of loss deepens, considerably, when, fifty years after burying her precious baby, I hear my mother admit to visualizing the woman that a three month old infant had not lived to become.  Then, this thought comes to mind:  I recall Will’s cousin, Betsy, telling me that from time to time, their Aunt Greta had mentioned the baby daughter, whom she’d lost to SIDS, just like Janet.  In fact, when Aunt Greta’s daughter died, her son, Jimmy had been three and thus, he and I had been the same age when fate dealt similar tragedies to our families.  Those similarities lead me to reconsider much of what developed between Jimmy and Aunt Greta, later in life.  I mean, during his childhood and deep into middle age, Jimmy had been a sweet, docile guy, who’d never failed to do his mother’s biding.  No one could fathom the fire and ice, which hit their relationship during the last years of Aunt Greta’s life.  While sitting, swinging and enjoying these moments of intimacy, which flow freely between mom and me, I muse, sadly, over the fact that once the fabric of a close family begins to fray, intimacy may wain if too few comprehend the main reason for the strain ...


While sitting and swinging in synch with Mom, my mind flies back to how scared I was when Will and I were about to split and having never been on my own, I'd looked at Mom and said, "Our friendship has grown so close, I can't imagine losing you, ever...  I remember Mom's reply, "Annie, you'll never lose me.  When I'm not here, physically, I'll live inside your heart."  As I'd been struggling with life's most painful lessons, concerning friendship and trust, Mom's words had soothed the anxiety, which caused my blood to race through my veins and pound through my head while tightened muscles constricted my ability to breathe. And as my spirit weighed heavy in my heart and my colon coiled itself into a knot, I couldn't bring myself to eat. Thankfully, once the healing process got underway, insight into trust redefined my sense of friendship, and With time, I set a high value upon positively focusedattitudes, which encourage wounded spirits to hearten, broken wings to mend and fears to bow to courage by injecting a mind, distraught, with hope for change...  At this point I had reason to quest for insight into this dilemma: Why must those who work ceaselessly to save loved ones, who can't stop swimming in circles, face this classic (drastic) choice: Get dragged down by the dizzying nature of the undertow ... Or place the loved one on a life raft while learning to reset one's compass toward the shoreline where common sense, based in positively focused support and mental clarity wait to nurture an exhausted mind, body and spirit toward good health, once more? ...

435 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 30

(Hmmmm ... Somehow post 433 and 434 switched places. Though getting them back in order has been a problem, with time, I'll figure out what's up.)
30

... Mom, would you say that people were helpful or hindering to your recovery after Janet died?”

“Well, both, Annie.  After Janet died, people who loved us were very kind, but many who meant well, made serious mistakes.  Some people thought they could help us by hurrying our grief, but that just heightened our frustration. Others with good intentions made comments that deepened our sense of loss.  All we really needed to hear was, ‘I’m sad for your loss.’ It felt terrible to hear people say we were ‘lucky’ she was so young.  When you lose a child, the word ‘lucky’ makes you see red.  One day, fury burning inside me really fired up.  I discovered that one of my brothers had thought to 'help me' by destroying Janet’s photos.  And to this day, I’ll never understand what possessed Dad to watch Janet’s autopsy, but he’d felt compelled to do that, so he did.”

Mom pauses, and for a few seconds we swing pensively back and forth before she continues, “Each of us grieves and heals in different ways.  The way each person needs to heal isn’t easy for others to understand.  In fact, it’s not easy to understand ourselves.  All I have left of Janet, today, is one small, creased, black and white photo that my brother overlooked.  And here we sit, Annie, you and I, talking about Janet, more than fifty years after she died—and even now, from time to time, I take that creased photo out of my dresser drawer and look at it, because something inside my heart needs to see her face.  Every few years, I find myself wondering what kind of life Janet would have chosen had she had the chance to grow up.”

Listening to the impact of inconsolable loss, flowing freely from within Mom's psyche, catches me off guard ... as in ... perhaps certain losses are too great to expect a person to fully recover—just as when a damaged nerve remains painfullyq inflamed, because nerve damage is not reversible ... at least not yet ... though one day, when stem cell research is widely accepted, medical advances may offer a person with nerve damage relief ... Gosh!  Wouldn't it be great if an advance like that occurs in our lifetime?  As you can see, hope springs eternal when thoughts process through positively focused channels of the mind...   

434 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 29

29

“In the aftermath of tragic loss, people feel as though they are ‘lost’, drifting alone in a sea of grief that no one understands. During this time, a deeply grieving soul may act strangely for this reason:  *Shocking experiences crack the persona’s walls, and insecurities, which had been repressed for many years, are exposed.  Once insecurity feels exposed, the mind may react—strangely.  *As soon as a person behaves strangely, defense systems, on all sides, stand at alert.  Why?  Because basic instinct is wary of strangers.  And thus may observers react as though a loved one has turned into ‘Stranger Danger’.

*During those times when life feels surreal, it's not uncommon for a vicious cycle of misfired perceptions to speed up, and as defensive rationalizations fire off, we all try to maintain our footing and stand on solid ground by discrediting any messenger who digs too deep into our psyches, where wounded egos reign supreme.  And thus do mental mazes, which begin to develop during early childhood, grow deeper, stage by stage—unless we consciously choose to muster the courage to seek guidance in hopes of uprooting unidentified insecurities left unresolved in subconscious pockets of each person's mind.   Mom, if we place the change in Grandma Ella’s attitude to one side, would you say that people's words, actions and behaviors were helpful or hindering to your recovery after Janet died?”

433 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 28

28
"So, if Mother Nature 'knows' what she's planning as the time line carries the evolution of man/kind into the future, here's where I believe we are at this point in terms of understanding mental contradictions that 'mess' with our sense of clarity: I believe we all exist in the state of blind denial to some degree for this reason:  It’s classic for people to act like ostriches, because our egos are wired to hold painful truths at bay.  It's classic for defense mechanisms to act as the ego's henchmen in terms of killing (shooting down) any messenger who tries to pull our heads out of the sand.

*In retrospect I know how long I’d closed my eyes, covered my ears, and tuned out my mind to escape from reality, because, the painful state of my marriage felt too scary to consciously acknowledge—until 'something' would happen, maybe once or twice a year, that caused my persona to crack like an egg.  Perhaps we'd have seen a romantic movie, or we'd have been out to dinner with friends, and I'd have watched a husband's hand fondling his wife's shiny hair.  Later, in the still of the night, the depth of my unhappiness poured out on a dark sea of silent tears until weariness closed my eyes and the truth of my sadness fell back to sleep. Then, upon awakening the next morning, as though from a bad dream, I'd conceal my swollen eyelids behind makeup's mask  and stuff all of that fearsome sadness back inside MY PERSONA, while whistling through the day, like everything was A-Okay—but in the long run, all that got me was more of the same deeply depressed PAIN.”  (Whew! Makes you wonder if certain kinds of depression arise from how much energy it takes for one side of the brain to bamboozle the other into believing that life is swell when it's not. I mean how afraid of the truth must we be to walk ever more deeply into mazes of our own making?)

*“Quite often—when we have no choice left other than coming to terms with the true state of our inner lives, others, who put in their two cents, while attempting to help us to recover from a tragic sense of loss, actually pour salt into wounds for this reason—all too few have a clue of the mental confusion, which layers up and begins to seep out of the subconscious when the persona is cracking and emotional wounds, left raw during childhood, are in the process of festering anew—as if to say:  Don't ignore the truth, anymore—I'm here to set you free of childhood insecurities, at last!
*Unfortunately, it’s not unusual for people, who love us, to hinder our healing process in ways that heighten inner conflict, thus exacerbating tension, all around.  In short, a person, thinking to be a soothing balm may open his or her mouth and insert foot, again and again.
*As healing is a step-by-step process, it can be necessary to undergo recovery from trauma separate from those, whose personal turmoil compounds subliminal power struggles, which have not yet been identified.  *When two emotional mazes intersect, each step toward healing may be riddled with more misperceptions than any one comprehends.  *For example, people assume that healing means a loved one returns to being the same as he or she had been before the loss, when in truth, we're all in the act of becoming whomever each evolves into, as one stage of life connects with the next.  *In short, any baggage left unidentified, and therefore unresolved, compounds as we move ahead.  And as unresolved baggage compounds, the layers of each person's mental maze grows more complex.
*Did you ever wonder which aspects of your emotional development got stuck during early childhood or puberty?  I mean, think about it:  *The egocentric nature of pubescence is a self absorbed, and thus self defeating place for growth in terms of emotional maturity to get stuck!  Actually, now that I think about it, perhaps that’s what’s wrong with so many relationships, which spiral downhill. *We can't work through our differences until each works toward identifying childhood's unresolved issues!
Too many Jacks and Jills, see themselves as 'grown up', when in truth they react like children as soon as certain people do not see them the way they see themselves.  Poke at a person's persona, too often, and beware of what you wish for.  Why?  As soon as that persona busts a crack—run for cover, fast!  Because, I'll bet my boots that emotional maturity is the only thing, which will not pour out.  Once the hot lava of teenaged reactions storm down on your head, next thing you know, those who revert to fight/freeze/or flee during family conflicts will cover their tracks as fast as their memories can 'forget' their words, flung in fury, while thought processors are taking note of whatever may have been flung at them.  *If there's one thing you'll not find in the brain stem, it's objectivity.  In the end if revisionist memories remember saying all the ‘right’ things—then guess what we have staring us in the face?   (RR&R:  RDS:  REALITY DISTORTION SYNDROME:  Believing too much of your own bull …)

*In this way does RDS prove to be a master-mental-block-builder rather than a building-block-for-lasting-friendship.  *Once I recognize the intricacy of another person's mental maze, talking to me, I grow quiet for this reason:  I've experienced how readily emotional mazes swallow every bit of common sense quick as a vaccuum cleaner sucks in a pin.  And as one who's been sucked into the mental maze of others,  I can tell you that's not a healthy place to feel stuck, again and again. Stuck once? Stuck twice? *Struck three times points to the fact that you'restuck in a mental block of your own! At this point in my evolution, if I sense a mental block's defensive stance, which just won't quit, you'll watch me wish that person well and choose to concentrate my time and energy on figuring out mental blocks of my own...


*Upon reflection, I've come to see how much of my mental energy was expended upon rationalizations which enabled my spirit to fend off depression until realityloomed so large, I was left with no place else to turn except to pull my head out of the sand and face painful truths which led to making decisions that had scared memore than half to death!  As an overachiever, who was no slouch at rationalizing, I proved to be no slouch at depressing after reality hit too hard to block.


*Down the road, I'll learn the reason for my depression:  With help I came to see how much energy was expended while depressing the fury, which had simmered inside me over many years—fury that my mental block would not allow me to identify or feel, much less release.  Eventually, this self-imposed pressure of denying myself a natural outlet for emotional relief exhausted my mind and extinguished my spirit—while, on the up side, my little voice of instinct continued to seek help.


As my sense of reality continued to expand, clarity cleansed my mind of confusion.  *And within the solitude of my cocoon, insight, concerning each stage of my life made sense of defensive patterns, which create emotional mazes where mental blocks play havoc with clarity.


*When mental blocks play havoc with clarity, certain aspects of personal development are delayed ...


As clarity replaced confusion, inner peace returned; my mind re-energized; my spirit rebounded, and resultant of moving patiently forward through retracing each stage of my life, I recovered control over the direction of my chosen path.


At this point, it's reassuring to know that having experienced the full spectrum of emotion—from soaring with lighthearted joy to spiraling into the devastating darkness of desperation—my attitude, fueled by positive focus, motivated me to identify and transform vulnerabilities into personal strengths, necessary to peel back layers of my psyche until defensive mental blocks were exposed and overcome.  (Having read most of his novels, that's a Henry James sentence if I ever saw one!)


*While soaking insight into my mind, I've come to see that if we've done or said something too hurtful, too often, to overlook,  trust is lost and a chasm widens between two people.  However that chasm can be overcome with a heartfeltapology and commitment not to break bonds of trust in the same way, again.  As you shall see in stories to come, breaking the trust and carrying a grudge are notone and the same.


*I've come to see that mental confusion must be replaced with working toward clarity within both minds before this process of healing a relationship drops all sense of pretense, so that conflict resolution can take place for real ...


*I've come to see why love definitely means saying sorry, as both sides must hold themselves accountable for past transgressions, which broke the trust upon whichlasting friendship depends  ...


*I understand friendship as a living being, and as such it will be nurtured, nourished, grow and thrive or shrink, starve, and change until it just can't survive.  You see, friendship is not like parent and child, where one meets the other's needs.  Any friendship that thrives with good health must be mutually fed  ... and that's not the case when conversations smash into mental blocks and subliminal power struggles rule the roost ...


*Lasting friendships depend upon a sense of positively focused hopefulness based in trust.  The opposite of lasting friendship is a relationship where one disappointment follows another until the chasm, separating two people, causes them to drop hands and walk different paths ...

It's important to remember that, for the most part, we're unaware of how often ths subconscious, which shadows our changing emotions, thoughts, actions and words, directs the persona to take center stage to protect us from acknowledging fears, which, if let loose, might overwhelm the conscious portion of our minds. In truth this duplicitous state of mind, in which the subconcious directs the persona to play mind games with others is why we say one hand has no clue what the other is doing, or one one hand I feel this while on the other, I feel that. In short, when we are unaware of those times when the fearful ego coaches the persona to get off the bench, hoping to hold fear of failure or rejection at bay, then how well can we know ... Ourselves?


So, here's what I'm getting at: Socrates said, "Know thyself," because each time we hide from our own insecurities, we screw up our lives and the lives of those who long to hold our hands ... And how sad and classic is that? In fact, Socrates' peers were so scared of his ability to express aspects of truth, which others had feared, that they literally ganged up and voted to 'kill the sage' in hopes of shutting him up. But 'killing the messenger' did not kill his ability to express insight, because, after all, his insights are still sited, for the same reasons, today ...


As centuries have passed between centurians and we who soldier on today, it seems like the human brain is slow to absorb classic truths. Why? Our conscious minds are pretty much clear slates at birth. So whatever we're taught at home and in school, day by day, year after year, becomes most deeply imprinted. It's as though life is a game of follow the leader, where innocent children are transformed into hateful killers, brainwashed to become Hitler's youth ... Kamakazi pilots ... human bomb terrorists, sacrificial lambs, whose stolen lives feed the self-tortured needs of power-hungry, blood-thirsty, deeply demented, fearfully constricted minds. The lengths the injured ego will go to hide from inferiority, remains locked deep inside ... Unless parents are taught to open themselves up and encourage their kids to do the same ... 
And thus am I inspired to write one post after another in hopes of igniting a grassroots movement in which children will be taught to understand the contradictive nature of the human brain, and develop an insightful grasp of clarity, one family at a time. An as an instructor of family communications, I hope to impart the impact of exchanging confusion for clarity upon my life while plans evolved inside my mind to impart the same while raising my kids.
Next thing I knew, instinct directed me to teach these simple plans at the college level, publish them in magazines, and send them into cyberspace in hopes that today's parents will fill the young minds of following generations with simple plans for grasping clarity, as well. And each time I question myself, the spirit of Socrates smiles down at me, encouragingly, and whispers in my ear until my little voice of instinct feels encouraged to write a new post or edit an older post that proved to be a rationalization in need of clarity ... Just like we live each day of our lives ... Always striving toward less fear, greater strength ... Less confusion, more clarity in terms of reality ... in hopes that with courage our quest for the truth will offer a wholesome sense of clarity and inner peace, at last ... Until the winds of fate steps in and upsets our apple carts, again ... And, my friends, such is life ... One step at a time until we leap into the great unknown from which we sprang as infants with clean slates ... 
As eternity offers no beginning, no end, makes sense to make good sense of your whole brain to gain as much clarity as possible, today ... And focus positively on gaining more of the same, tommorow. And here is my last thought for now ... Maintaining sanity depends on clarity, because a mind divided is not a healthy place to dwell. Over long. As to the success of my grassroots movement ... On the downside, gotta get those numbers up ... On the upside ... 58 nations and counting ... :)

432 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 27

27
... Taking advantage of my mother's interest, my soliloquy continues to process aloud:
“You know, Mom, when Will and I separated, it was impossible for either of us to get a grip on the main root of our problems without guidance.  And here’s why that’s pretty classic across the board ...we're just beginning to learn about the intricacies of the human brain ... and ... It can be so painful to uproot deeply buried insecurities that our defense systems set up mental blocks, which prevent us from mustering the courage to probe deep within our psyches.

Though ego’s need for self-protection dates back to prehistoric times, Mother Nature offered human beings the gift of thought processors.  And though we figured out how to walk on the moon, it's crazy to think that as our brains have evolved, over millions of years, our think tanks have become so complex that we can employ imagination to deflect any perception, which focuses attention on traits we're afraid to accept as our own.  Somehow, I don’t think that’s what Mother Nature had intended when she provided us with—intelligence—to control our basic instinct to fight/freeze/or flee.


In fact, here’s a line of reasoning that explains why we all bamboozle ourselves to some degree:  If Mother Nature intends for evolution to keep rolling along then that which I've been eager to learn about the brain is in synch with the evolution of mankind in terms of each generation building upon the problem solving skills of the generation that came before—I mean, we've been passing Socrates' baton, all along!  AH!  Now that makes sense! And making sense feels good, because peace of mind is mine each time my mind and the universe feel centered as one ..." 


Having said that, Let's chew on this thought until we seek each other out, tomorrow:  My first thought's not always my best thought.  Sometimes my first thought serves as a stepping stone that inspires my spirit to move forward in a self disciplined fashion until such time as a better plan of action comes to mind." 

431 BULGARIA AND LIBYA ... 58 NATIONS AND COUNTING ...

Let's bid welcome to Bulgaria and Libya ... fifty eight nations, and counting!

J

430 REALITY DISTORTION

Here are four questions concerning RDS

Hopefully, you believe In division of labor ...

Because I'd like to answer questions one and two

Which leaves answers three and four to you ...

Question number one:

Do you know what RDS stands for?

RDS stands for:

REALITY DISTORTION SYNDROME

Question number two:

How is RDS defined?

Simply stated, RDS is the tendency to believe your own bull ...

In truth, we all have egos and therefore, suffer from RDS to some extent

Question number three:

Do you know to what extent you suffer from RDS?

Question number four:

Doesn't it make sense to end self induced suffering

By 'sensing' painful truths, hiding behind false fronts, and face up to reality, at last? Otherwise, how are you going to going to resolve conflicts that won't quit? Whoops ... Five questions, not four ...

Your friend,

Annie 

429 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 25 and 26

25 and 26
For the sake of clarity … a bit of review:  As each of us comes up against life's lessons at different times—and as no one bumps up against every lesson, we tend to call those who seem to have slept through certain stages of life and then, suddenly awaken—late bloomers.  At some point, my conversation with Mom, concerning the aging process, swerves toward this direction:

"... my thoughts about ‘late bloomers’ have changed in this way:  I believe we bloom in different ways—each in his own good time.  I believe that during our golden years, those with open minds and youthful outlooks continue to grow wiser, sweeter, and more peaceful while others, who've not worked to accept the inevitability of changes—which we'd not choose, freely—grow ever more wizened, grumpy, and rude—or if not rude—then the spirit of a person, who remains at odds with inevitable change, may withdraw into itself.”

“Annie, we’ve lost so much by this age, how can we not?”

At this, I realize that Mom, now nearing 90, must be musing over the loss of my dad as well as her entire generation (except for Dad's sisters, Aunt Sari and Aunt Risa), so initially, my compassion acknowledges the depth of her grief with a heartfelt, “I know, Mom, I know."  Then after swinging companionably lost in thought for a bit, I continue with, "Well, call me naïve, again, for suggesting this thought, but, here it comes ... *Though it's true that I've not experienced all that you have—yet—if I live longer than anyone in my generation then common sense suggests I'll need to factor luck, fate, and choice into my decisions in hopes of figuring out how to accept—the unacceptable. Oherwise, grief will seize control of my mind and shrink my spirit's capacity for joy.  I mean, look at it this way, Mom:  *Just as teens do not develop physically at exactly the same time, many aspects of emotional growth develop within each of us, at different times, for different reasons.  It's a known fact that changes, which we'd not choose, create conflict.  And resolving conflicts effectively depends upon opening our minds to guidance. You know—like we go to the doctor when our bodies are out of sorts.  So if we go for guidance when our bodies are out of sorts, why not ask for guidance when our spirits are at half mast?  Remember when you wanted Dad to get help?"

"Well, Annie, some people need that, and some don't."

"Mom, here's my point—in fact, I've already discussed these thoughts with all of my kids:  *People who love each other don’t absorb all of the same 'lessons', simultaneously.  *When lessons concerning love or life roll in, they don’t present themselves in order like the ABC's.  Since we each live through different experiences, here's what I've come to believe:  *You learn this and I learn that.  Then, if we choose to listen openly to that which each of us has chosen to learn, we can digest new ideas so calmly that our comfort zones may expand, and in this way, we can grow wiser—together."

"I think you're saying two heads are better than one."

"Yes—exactly—as long as both heads are on a non-defensive track.  *As soon as conflicting thoughts give rise to defensiveness, logic is blocked by the brain's basic instinct to fight/freeze/or flee.  Think of how tragic it is when awareness deepens after a significant relationship, which had once thrived, can barely survive.  *In fact, have you ever wondered why we debate with strangers more respectfully than with those we love."

"What makes you question that?"

*"Well, during times of conflict, our minds can get too hot to recognize when negative attitudes, sizzling with disrespect, sling insults, back and forth.  When that happens, too often, somethin's gotta give ... and I think that something is trust ..."

At this point, Mom jumps in with, “Annie, how many people do you know who think like that?”

“More people, today, than ever before.  There's so much self-help information available, concerning power struggles, today.  I'm waiting for people to absorb wisdom that suggests we not repress as much human vulnerability behind the ‘perfect show’.  I'm not talking about spitting at loved ones on reality shows.  I'm referring to recognize how denial prevents us from identifying the crux of our problems.  I'm waiting for information, concerning false fronts to become so widespread that denial loses its power to shield us from truths, too painful to accept.  Socrates pleaded with his peers to know themselves centuries ago.  And since many who delve into self-help, today, prove to be younger than me, I tend to share more thoughts with that younger crowd, whom I've begun to call The Self-help Generation.
Needless to say, early trauma isn’t the only factor that causes a person’s emotional center to shift.  Too much of anything can unbalance clarity within the thought processing center of our minds.  Kids can be raised with too much money, or too much poverty. Too much criticism—not enough encouragement.  Too much coddled smothering, or too few smiles and hugs.  Too much attentive nurturing from one parent while feeling ignored, invisible, and constantly disappointing to the other.  When the bell shaped curve comes to mind, I can see why most people play it safe, huddling in the middle, where the majority clings as close to ‘average’ or 'ordinary' as possible.  *If insecurity narrows comfort zones then sheep, who seek safety in herds, are afraid to express themselves, freely, as unique individuals.   Most people do not think of themselves as belonging to the animal kingdom, but all of us do.  *Sometimes when basic needs go unmet, for too long, we bite, sniff, and pounce, like animals—because LIFE is our jungle, and survival instincts, which still exist in our brain stems, rule.  *Just as with all animals, our basic instincts adhere to the theory of ‘survival of the fittest’ in a variety of subconscious ways.  *I’ll bet very few people realize how much basic instincts, past experiences, internal conflicts, unmet needs, strengths and vulnerabilities determine our choice of a mate.  I remember a naïve remark uttered by one of our guy friends, newly married for the second time:  ‘My new wife doesn’t have any baggage.’  I remember thinking, ‘Yeah, right.  You’ve met the ‘perfect’ Juliette.  Good luck, Romeo.’ ”

If you watch 'stars'(?) on reality shows, flinging verbal garbage, left and right, you're playing witness to how blind each can be to one's own baggage hanging out in plain sight.  As for me ... my mind can't 'stomach' those shows.   Why?  I see enough defensive baggage hanging out, wherever I go.  When I find myself channel surfing, while watching T.V. that means my mind is looking to relax.  As reality shows make me think about 'my work', I click them off as fast as they flash across the screen.  Imagine a CPA, sitting down to relax, watching a show called TACKLING TAXES, during March!  Ha!  Not gonna happen!

By the way, I've decided to give myself a break.  I'm not going back to the beginning of my blog to clean up posts written, months ago.  It's enough to write, today's thoughts, and leave the house with fun in mind.  Take yesterday, for example:  In the morning—had fun with two of my girls.  Wrote in the afternoon.  Rested.  Cocktail-partied with neighbors—dressed in Green—top'o'the'mornin'to you!  Followed by dinner with dear friends.  Yesterday held all that we hope the Golden Years will offer—more often than not.  What today will bring is yet to be seen.  As life can change on the spin of a dime, here's my new plan:  I'll continue to edit recent posts.  As to posts penned, long ago, I'll choose to relax with the fact that yesterday's complexities are a thing of the past ... Ahhh! That decision erases a weight from my mind.  As to now—I'll press publish, and get a couple of errands done, like... Uh ... wait—why in the world would you want to hear about aspects of my life as mundane as that? J