Oh—one more thing—Knowing that my sparkle (which emanates naturally from deep within my soul whenever the party planning baton is in my hand) feels need to seek shade from the limelight whenever the lighthearted center of attention shines ever s0 brightly directly at me, Will chose to include only ‘family’ whose presence has graced our holiday table, during recent years, because otherwise, the list of invitees would have swollen to at least 200 beloved folk, whose heartfelt inclusion had lifted their glasses (both near and far) in celebration of our 50th anniversary, two years back. You see, my heart comprehends only one kind of love, which runs so deep as to last forever and a day. So once every last crumb of birthday cake had been devoured and Will and I had tucked ourselves in for the night with Ravi fast asleep in our bed, my husband asked if I would have included anyone else, and without so much as a moment’s hesitation, three couples (rounding out my nearest and dearest in-town sisterhood) came to mind; and while answering truthfully, I made certain to reassure my husband that limiting the list of invitees is always challenging when we’re hoping to create an intimate celebration for a loved one that feels perfectly planned—
As for now, David and I are about to pick up Ravi from pre-school after which we three plan to meet my niece and nephew for lunch, so whatever time I'd set aside to speak my mind has been spent except to say this: Ever since arising, this morning, the intuitive portion of my busy brain has been bugging my conscious mind to ready itself to absorb yet another self deceiving perception that my defense system must have 'cocooned' in an unprocessed state, and here’s why I believe that cocoon is beginning to unravel so as to reveal a deeper truth concerning yet another deeply repressed false belief, which having been harbored, over long, requires the conscious portion of my mind to tolerate this current spike of anxiety until my inner strengths, having stabilized, feel ready to catch hold of a string of insights that are raring to fly free of the cocoon so as to clearly liberate the whole of my mind from carrying forward the heavy weight of another self conceived assumption, which has relentlessly refused to free my logical sense of innocence to shake off emotions wracked with personal guilt of—I know not what as of yet—for example, this morning, I was awakened by a life-threatening feeling of heartfelt constriction, alerting my intellect to call upon the inner strength of courage to unlock yet another door, behind which an emotionally repressed reaction during the aftermath of Janet's death is readying itself to be released (thank goodness experience has taught my intelligence to remember that whatever had once caused a confounded little girl’s undeveloped think tank to quake with guilt-ridden insecurity is no longer empowered to frighten my knowledge-laden processor half to death—so in hopes of freeing my conscious awareness of yesteryear’s spiking anxiety, I can safely and agreeably go along with today’s game of seek and ye shall find deeper truth waiting to set thy mind free of spiking anxiety (yet again). And thus does my power of intuitive thought guide me to say: Come out, come out 'unprocessed memory' so that another repressed misinterpretation (concerning my role in my baby sister’s death) can be clearly swept out of the dark side of my mind—and with today's string of insights acting as my power of intuition’s guiding light do we come to see why my positively focused attitude chooses to embrace a proactive role so as to un-handcuff a good little girl's self perception from yet another self-tormenting anxiety attack, based in undeserved guilt—Gosh!
How wonderful it is to note that by guiding me to pen this post, the intuitive portion of my brain is clarifying my life-long need to relieve my conscious mind of today’s foggy sense of guilt before I've even identified the crime that the terrified mind of a three year old child had unknowingly condemned herself guilty of committing during life's most crucial stage of personality development—And—
Thank goodness, my processor continues to work toward calling forth a host of inner strengths so as to buoy my spirit each time the child’s innocence, feeling haunted by yesteryear's fear of suffering severe punishment for being humanly imperfect, has need to be swept out of my mind by my hard won, emotionally rebalanced state of well being, and that's most especially true whenever I push my exhausted think tank past the point of maintaining a realistic view of my traits, suggesting that each time mental exhaustion depletes my think tank of energy, the next layer of my wall of denial experiences a meltdown, freeing the insecure little girl, imprisoned deep within the subconscious portion of my mind, to cry out anxiously for help, which was not forthcoming when every adult she'd loved had been utterly immersed in personal grief, and thus does each meltdown prove to free a good little girl to slide down that slippery slope of self condemnation until my strong sense of courage is summoned to rescue both the little girl and my adult’s exhausted processor from skating blindly toward thin ice, again!
Hhmm and Whew!
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