So, here it is, emergent at last—the intuitive feeling that has sensitized the healthy portion of my processor to believe that every inter-related string of insights, which, having filtered from subconscious memory through my defensive wall of denial into my conscious awareness, is leading the traumatized portion of my processor to place its faith in my brain's growing ability to nip future episodes of PTSD in the bud by fortifying my intelligence to thoroughly absorb this classic fact of life: No part of the knowledgeable adult whom I’ve consciously ‘grown up’ to be has need to feel honor bound to carry forth the heavy weight of a guilt ridden vow made unknowingly by a four year old child, whose subconscious had pocketed the self defeating misconception of thinking myself so omnipotent as to have harbored the egocentric attitude that imagined my brain as being responsible for holding the life or death of my loved ones in the palm of my hand—as in: If I live a perfect life, everyone I love will be well—however, one misstep on my part and we’ll all be fated to face the terrifying consequence of feeling sucked back, trapped inside the little house of horrors—forevermore! (Not even Poe could have rivaled my think tank's woeful tale of doom and gloom!). And if you ask why I’d felt honor bound to be the best little girl in the world, I’d smack my forehead while this brand new awareness replied:
Oy Gevalt! My connection to personal safety has been feeling chased by danger, closing in, making me itch to get out of my skin ever since Grandpa and Janet disappeared without a trace! Seriously! It’s not my skin that I’ve felt desperate need to scratch but rather, I’ve spent a lifetime scratching beneath the surface of my conscious awareness in need of uncovering and relieving myself of the underlying vow of goodness that I’d unconsciously dedicated myself to uphold once Lauren (who, thank God, didn’t die) survived the coma (that had scared all of our spirits half to death inclusive of the doctor and firefighters), offering my mommy’s deepest fear sound reason to subside, freeing her smile to embrace everyone with heartfelt gratitude—including me—many times, every day!
Up until this very minute, God was the only one who knew of my subconscious vow, founded in how desperately I’d missed my mommy’s loving smiles, mindful attentiveness, easy laughter and warm hearted embrace during the year that followed Grandpa’s and Janet’s mysterious disappearances!
And as an added bonus, today’s insight-driven stream of consciousness has offered my processor sound reason to comprehend the mysterious nature of the head-on collision that had dizzied my relationship with my beloved mother to feel sucked back into the little house of horrors, again, after my father had passed as suddenly as had been true of Grandpa and Janet—and the fact that the saddest experiences of both of our lives (separated by seven decades) had proved to have been interrelated suggests that the power of intuitive thought works in mysterious, mind bending ways, indeed!
Super-sized Hhmmm ...
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