Since the detailed story of Janet’s death was penned and posted, several years back, I wonder if, upon reflecting more freely than ever before about that pivotal time of my life (when the well balanced, on-going development of my self-assertive voice was fearsomely traumatized), will stimulate my brain’s stalled sense of readiness to release the key insight that will unlock my mental block, which prohibits my intuitive powers from communicating detailed memories of true stories—which have remained so defensively slanted in memory as to alert my knowledgeable intelligence of need to clear the air of yesteryear’s egocentric and thus distorted image of myself so that I can clearly see the whole person whom I had really been rather than concentrating my focus upon wounded character traits, which social insecurity had magnified throughout junior high, high school and beyond, right up until —perhaps—today—
Hhmmm—HUGE Hhmm!
I mean, seriously, if common sense suggests that a detailed account of true tales beyond grammar school will remain mentally blocked from my storyteller’s conscious awareness until stories of childhood trauma have been penned with an objective connection to insight intact then today's insight suggests that those stories will remain suppressed within a mental block until stories already posted, concerning the earliest stage of my personality development, have been revealed more objectively to me. (I chose the word suppressed rather than repressed, because the conscious portion of my brain knows those true stories, which have not yet been penned, exist in a state of limbo, hovering between the subconscious portion of my memory and my conscious awareness.)
In case you'd like to ask: Annie, aren't you sick of all this soul searching, yet?
I'd reply: YES! YES YES
On the other hand—each time I stop to consider all of the mind bending
Painstaking work that the well-balanced portion of my brain has chosen to
Tackle in order to gain insight into how best to reveal and heal
The injured portions of my self image, which, having scarred down, remain
Stuck in a series of inter-related childhood traumas, I feel pride surging naturally
From within my spirit's soul concerning my character development's chosen
Path a a whole, and if you ask what makes me feel that today's self assessment
Is based in deeper truth, I'd reply: Upon reflection, I feel as though years of
Emotionally painful work have been paying off, big time, all along, and
As that’s the self assertive voice of my intuitive intelligence talking (not
My wounded ego’s defensive imagination), I truly believe that the host of
Well balanced inner strengths, which is innate to human brains, has
Continued to guide the traumatized portion of my processor to
Rehabilitate itself, little by little, one step forward at a time, inspiring
My positively focused attitude to lead me toward experiencing
One life changing epiphany after another, each of which stimulates
My sixth sense to continue to guide me toward feeling like I’m always
On the verge of discovering something BIG without having to re-experience
Full blown attacks of yesteryear’s latent anxiety, repeatedly!
Aha! So this is what Hhmm/Ohhmm feels like when my whole mind feels
Naturally relaxed and sensitively inquisitive, rather than feeling
Anxiously driven to heal and gain control over yet another unexpected
Uprising of he steryear’s emotional pain, and if you ask how I feel about
My brain's ever deepening capacity to grasp today’s insight driven
Positively focused change for the better in my attitude towards
Healing myself of yesteryear's repressed pain that's based in
Feeling guilty of being a bad person when I know that's not true
Here would be my singsong reply: I like it, uh huh, uh huh—I like it—
A lot!
In short—I love knowing that the conscious portion of my brain continues to
Develop the capacity to calm spiking anxiety from scaring my spirit’s
Inner strengths out of my wits by way of my having patiently worked to
Peel the onion until the conscious portion of my thought processor has
Gained another positively focused sense of intuitive insight concerning
My quest to identify yet another subconscious fear or self defeating attitude in
Need of changing for the better—for example—my power of
Intuitive thought has just reminded my conscious mind that
Spiking anxiety is actually my subconscious befriending me
(Rather than attacking me) by signaling my sense of
Intelligent intrigue to arise and regain control over
My think tank before my dark side’s heavy handed
Negatively focused, imaginative wanderings run away with
My emotional reactiveness in the dark of night like
The dish ran away with the spoon after the cow jumped over the moon—
I mean, let's face it: Each time the fear-based negatively focused side of
Your imagination and mine runs amuck, our thought processors
Have been known to take us on a wild ride that bucks
Our connection to logic right off the horse that, having mistaken
A car backfiring for a smoking gun, unexpectedly rises up on
Its hind legs before taking off like a shot (I actually witnessed that
very thing happen to a dear friend who’d been my twice weekly
Riding partner, but that was long ago when her three daughters and
My three sons were very young (as were we)
Fortunately, my friend only broke two ribs—
Unfortunately my friend’s desire to saddle up remains
Saddled with fear of what had passed, long ago, to this very day
Hmmm/Ohhmm ...
BTW, portions of the post published before this one had
Been in need of repair, and those repairs have been
Readied for re-reading if you are so inclined—
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