Steven wants me to wear one of those 'Help! I fell down and can't get up' buttons. At first, I thought: What? I'm too young for that!" Then, several days after my brother-in-law, Jeremy's death, I experienced another Vaso-Vagas spell, which felt so similar to the first that this insight arose, inspiring the conscious portion of my thought processor to place my original defensive reaction in time out: 'My first thought is not always my best thought; it's just my first thought' ... and each time that insight is conveyed on an intuitive train of thought into my conscious mind, I am reminded of how rarely people are consciously aware of the fact that during times of duress, our first thoughts are based in mindsets that prove defensively self protective, and with thoughts of how devisive our defensive rationalizations tend to be, I chose to reconsider Steven's suggestion after my defensive reaction had calmed enough to free my intelligence to acknowledge my need to confront a deeper truth, which verified my age (at 73) as having grown older than my conscious processor can readily believe.
Once my defensive fear of the aging process (progressing toward death) was courageously confronted, calmed and placed in time out, my thought processor's clear connection to logic restrengthened, and with clarity intact, I freely chose to change my mind (more for Steven's sense of inner peace than for my own) and thus did my expansive mindset decide to research those buttons, just as I did fifteen years ago after my father's death when I purchased one for my mother to wear ... and though I do not live alone, I am oftenalone with Ravi, suggesting why my mindset expanded, concerning wearing the button for Steven's sake and Ravi's safety just as my mother accepted (but did not always wear) her button for my peace of mind. The one time my mother had need to push her SOS button, ASAP, she'd found herself on the floor (after a heavy object slipping off of a high shelf directly overhead had struck very close to her upturned eye) while the button, on her nightstand, proved beyond her reach, and that thought makes me wonder if I'll wear the button 24/7 or only when I'm with Ravi, because it's my compelling primary need to keep this precious child safe from harm that will see me wearing a button that connects us both to an SOS helpline ASAP ... and now that this insight concerning Ravi's safe keeping but not my own has flashed through the intuitively intelligent portion of my brain, my conscious connection to clarity has illuminated this deeper truth: once again, my deprecated sense of self worth is in need of another session of EMDR ...
Oh my gosh! I just came to see that my storyteller has not been waiting in the wings for her cue to take center stage ... my storyteller has been telling stories, right along! Not stories from the past, but rather stories highlighting the emergence of deeper truths that I consciously choose to confront and absorb, day by day, in hopes of overcoming subconscious fears, which continue to overwhelm my think tank's ability to discern those times when my wall of denial is still blocking my conscious intelligence from differentiating between fear-based rationalizations and crystal clear logical thought processing that challenges my think tank to reconsider decisions, which had unwittingly been based in latent fears that proved so confoundingly overwhelming during childhood as to have remained subconsciously repressed, and not until my inner strengths feel ready to openly challenge, soothe and disempower each next repressed fear will the conscious portion of my processor feel free to create change for the better by untangling one unmet need after another from a cobweb that had wrapped a host of personal needs within an inexplicable cocoon made of undeserved guilt, which awaited the arousal of intuitive understanding before my sense of readiness to complete my internal sense of metamorphosis freed my mind, body and spirit to peacefully (soulfully) embrace a new decision-making process, which empowers me to create expansive changes for the better that enhance my quality of life as I muster the courage to take leaps of faith which land my re-examined sense of wholeness upon each next ascending plateau of heightened awareness where my childhood fear of rejection decreases, again and again, resulting in feeling my heart offer and receive love with such a profound sense of tranquil humility as to disempower the intrusion of defensive reactivity from growing ever more devisive, because every nook and cranny of my heart and mind are filled with love, inclusive of enough self love to embrace both sides of my nature so as to openly acknowledge my human vulnerabilities knowing that they are bolstered by silently embracing the sum of my inner strengths ... and if one of my brain's self protective, defensive reactions (stimulated by a sudden visceral eruption of PTSD alerts my Vagas nerve to slow my pulse rate in order to detour away from any possibility of ventricular dysfunction) then today's train of thought, concerning intuitive change for the better, suggests why I'll seriously consider wearing an SOS button, 24/7, thus ensuring that my think tank does not have to force itself to remain connected to its crystal clear sense of logic if another vaso-vagas reaction to stress sees me blacking out, and on that positive note, concerning the depth with which I've come to understand how emergent insights continue to inspire my conscious story teller to feel free to leap away from yesteryear's stories in favor of voicing life lessons I'm in need of absorbing in hopes of creating changes for the better, day by day, my conscious mind feels an inner sense of peaceful readiness to end today's intuitive, insight-driven train of thought By fueling my engine to pull my sense of wholeness into a rest station, right now ... Ohhmmman
No comments:
Post a Comment