You and I (and children around the world, throughout history)
Experienced sound reason to grow toward adulthood
Harboring the same primary fear, though
To differing degrees depending upon the length of time that
We spent under the thumb of tempramental
Parental admonishment, which resulted in seeing ourselves
As so imperfect as to have felt unworthy of loving attentiveness
Bottom line, no one escapes childhood
Emotionally unscathed, meaning that
We all grow up harboring deep seated guilt, based
In this fact: The egocentric nature of our
Defense system is programmed to
Repress fears and worries that range so far beyond
The level of a child's comprehension as to
Be in need of consciously identifying once
We've grown to be adults, who, at some point in
Time, sense an inner need to reprocess
The most confounding aspects of experiences, which, having
Frightened us half to death, are still in need of healing so that
The deeply conflicted, seriously wounded portions of
Our self image can stop reeling from whatever
Stimulates re-current stabs of subconscious pain, which
Upon erupting, are directly related to
The over-reactive temperaments of authority figures who'd
Made us feel so unworthy of receiving their love as to have
Alerted a sweet child's defense system to erect fear-induced
Defensive blockades, which left in an unidentified state
Test the patience of those who love us so deeply and
Unconditionally as to naturally replenish today's
Heartfelt sense of generosity of spirit whenever hope for
Meaningful, empathetic reconnection begins to run dry
When Ravi and I are enjoying a play date and something
Scares my sweet two year old grand daughter, she
Instinctively runs to me as though by clinging to
My presence, her vulnerability feels assured that
While feeling welcomed to nestle under
The loving protection of my wing, her personal sense of
Safety will remain unharmed ... but what if
The thing that frightens Ravi most of all is my impatient
Show of explosive temper whenever her naturally
Independent spirit decides not to follow my lead ...
And what if ... each time Ravi loses her two year old
Temper. The egocentric nature of my temper (feeling
Instinctive need to dominate hers) intensifies my angry
Facial expressions, combative body language and
Voice tones so gruff as to spew negatively focused
Insults over her head thus catalyzing her feeling of
Internal despair as she believes herself to be
So bad as to be unworthy of my protective wing and
Loving guidance, or ... What if one parent roars like
An angry lion while the other ices her out as though
She doesn't even exist? Where does a small child go
For calm, consistency and gentle guidance, concerning
How best to develop an emotionally balanced sense of
Self discipline when neither parent's think tank has been
Trained to rein in defensive reactiveness so as to
Remain soothingly logical and lovingly engaged during
Trying times fraught with conflict resulting in
Smoothly resolving emotional turbulence before
Power struggles develop a life of their own, suggestive of
This fact: If no one at home models self-calming techniques
Cooperative behaviors and logical solution-seeking skills, all
Of which prove necessary to create a simplistic plan of
Action that accomplishes a mutually respectful sense of
Conflict resolution, which adult authority figures want
Children to embrace, then a strong spirited, sweet natured
Little girl, like Ravi, will mistakenly believe that
During moments fraught with naughtiness, she's so bad
As to be unworthy of love unless she agreeably submits to
Complying with everything authority figures tell her to
Do or say or feel or suppress. (Hmmm ...
Today's intuitive train of thought has just described that which
I'd subconsciously misconstrued as being true of
Myself, during the emotionally excruciating, mentally
Confounding, extended length of time that
Felt even longer than forever in the unbearably
Tension-filled aftermath of Janet's death when
Adults, grieving deeply, felt so painfully conflicted about
The shocking brevity of Janet's circle of life as to have
Had no patience, at all, with egocentric attitudes and
Age appropriate misbehaviors of a little girl, who'd
Overnight, felt as if an evil spell had been cast over
Her little corner of the world, extinguishing
Everyone's bright sense of joy as quickly as
Her high spirited, sunny disposition transformed from
Singing and dancing light-heartedly while cavorting
Merrily in the center ring, surrounded, protectively, by
Her extended family, which had previously
Expressed an adoring sense of delight in
Their dimpled darling's naturally charming
Repertoire of animated antics until
Thunderous storm clouds, pouring forth endless
Floods of emotional anguish, gathered so darkly as to
Shock us all senseless each time flashes of lightening
Bursting seemingly out of nowhere, lit
The night sky afire until my entire universe had
Burnt to a crisp, leaving a mentally confused
Fearfully troubled, sad and lonely three year old me to
Feel need to silence my strong spirited, self assertive
Voice during explosive moments fraught with conflict so
Terrifyingly real as to have created a new sense of
'Normal', which led to my unconscious
Emotional adoption of complacent and agreeable
Attitudes, based in my fearful need to
Smile on the surface and rock no boats in hopes of
Maintaining the peace while fending (and
Inadequately mending my inner sense of brokenness) for
Myself ... though if deeper truth be so bold as to
Voice the heightened degree of repressed anxiety buried
Inside, today's intuitive stream of consciousness would
Switch tracks, right now, to express how furiously
I'd scratched, night after night, exposing my inner life, which
Told of a whole other story that few had seen or heard in
Detail until I'd been coaxed to tune into and turn up
The volume on my intuitive readiness to reveal
(To myself) insights spotlighting the deeply
Conflicted reality that made up both sides of my nature by
Penning and posting and expanding (during the editing
Process) upon 'much' of what I truly feel within this blog, and
If you ask why my intuitive powers guided me to make use of
The word 'much', my reply would highlight this insight:
I still don't know as 'much' about my inner self as
My sense of clarity needs to know, because
After all I've contemplated, said and done
Insight, concerning my quest for deeper truth
Suggests that my defense system's latent anxiety
Remains as alive and reactive to stimuli as is true of yours
Though, as adults, we can't turn off our defense systems
Any more than children can, we live in today's world of
Self-help, suggestive of the fact that the conscious portion of
Our well-educated think tanks has the potential to muster
The patience, courage and humility that prove
Necessary to seek addition knowledge concerning
The complex functions of the human brain in relation to
Jumpstarting our natural potential to connect
More consistently with intuitive thought, which is
Self empowered to coax insight to spotlight
Each repressed fear that has been in need of
Squeezing itself out of subconscious storage through
Miniscule cracks in our walls of denial so as to
Enlighten our conscious state of awareness to grow so
Emboldened as to take calculated risks
(Leaps of faith) toward creating
Changes for the better by sifting through and dumping
Excess emotional baggage, which, in lieu of
Tapping into intuitive insight, will sadly remain beyond
Our comprehension to clearly fathom unless we choose to
Grow ever more knowledgeable about deeper truths that
Remain obscured within the complex inner workings of
Our think tanks, so ... though it's true that
We can't turn our defense systems off in hopes of
Lightening our load, we can rein in spiking anxiety by
Seeking to absorb (seek and he shall find) self soothing
Techniques so as to think logically, strategically, clearly
And creatively on the spot when spiking anxiety stuns
Everyone else's think tank to do no more than fight or
Flee or faint dead away ...BTW ... have I mentioned
My fainting spell, last week? And do you have
A clear understanding of what a fainting spell is?
PS My power of intuition compelled my conscious mind to
Add a string of insights to the beginning of post 1469C ...
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