(A cautionary note: this post is in serious need of
Editing when time permits)
Though I do not want to disappoint
I can sense my original train of thought
Switching tracks from defining fears to ...
Focus my think tank toward tending
Lovingly, supportively and wholly
To the needs of loved ones whose
Heavy hearts, like Will's, feel
A grievous degree of personal loss
In need of TLC, suggesting why
I'll choose to set my need to write
Aside until readiness feels inspired to
Pick up my iPad to pen experiential
Insights concerning my reason for
Delineating three categories of
Fears, which though not one and the same
Prove to be profoundly intertwined, making
It difficult for the conscious mind to
Differentiate one from another
However if inner need to write grows strong before
My whole mind feels free to compose
A new post, I'll likely spend whatever
Downtime is mine adding insights to
Those, which emerged au natural (yesterday
And today) as streams of consciousness poured
Peacefully out of the most relaxed, least
Tense portion of my soul, suggestive of
My having made mindful gains in
Quelling waves of in deserved guilt, which
Forbade me from placing a high value on
Meeting my needs ever since my self worth
Fell into a subconscious whirlpool of
Disrepair after my baby sister's death before
I'd reached the age of three at which time
My think tank felt intuitive reason to despair over
The inner conflict expressed below (which proved
Far too complex for a child's confounded processor to
Comprehend much less absorb in an emotionally
Healthy, well balanced fashion as proves true, today):
I was not born to see myself as insignificant or as
The omnipotent healing epicenter of
Any person's unnamed, untamed
Repressed pain other than that which
Proves to be my own, and at times when my
Repressed pain proves so deep as to
Put the supportive part of my nature to sleep
I'll respect my defense system's human
Vulnerability as my own, knowing
That though I feel unable to
Show my internal support
My kind words and gentle voice tones
Will offer the compassion that my heartfelt
Empathetic reaction feels deep inside my
Defense system's self protective shell
Ohhmmm ...
Ha! Look what just happened!
Intuitive thought outsmarted my
Conscious mind by awakening my processor at
5am to pen a new post, after all!
And if asked: What universal truth has insight
Spotlighted by way of creative means, today?
My intuitive, self respecting voice would reply:
Ive come to understand the empathetic nature of
Heartfelt attentiveness with which I'd felt need to
Soothe the pain of others before attending to my own
And though my need to place my pain aside is sensitized by
My awareness concerning the level of my grief
As compared with the deeper degrees of theirs, today's
Intuitive awareness serves to alert my conscious
Mind to adopt the protective role of guiding light that
Shields my loved ones from as many
Cloud bursts and lightening strikes as has been
Humanly possible without denying my need to heal, as well
In short, I can't expect my strengths to act as life raft for
Everyone's vulnerability each time fate brings us together to
Collectively carve a path through the mind-bending maze of
Grief's stormy downpour of fearsome negativity until
Such time as bright beams of purposeful, sunlit
Positivity has once again restored our natural
Childlike, light spirited zest for life, and
Thus had my empathetic nature offered to others
The depth of heartfelt TLC that a small confounded
A child, fearful of her 'sense-of-self' drowning all
Alone, had felt need to conjure up in order to
Re-stabilize her lost sense of personal safety, which
Having flailed about from one wave of adult
Grief to another after my baby sister died, felt
Tossed ever more deeply
Into the swirling riptide of confusion as
A frightening siege of stormy tears poured down
Relentlessly, overhead, and so we come to see
That over my lifetime, I gave exactly that which
I'd desperately needed but did not receive when
Everyone's grief seemed to be so much greater than
That of a three year old little girl, whose greatest
Loss proved to be her diminished sensitivity to
Valuing her self worth realistically, and as long as
That visceral unmet need remained repressed within
My subconscious memory bank, my intuitive powers
Offered my conscious mind no clue as to why
I'd absorbed the pain of others as readily as my own until
My sense of readiness signaled the bright light of
Insight to reveal a deeper truth that had not
Spotlighted the depth of my fear of death and
Graves and relentless grief until today's flash of clarity
Brightened my self awareness with this insight :
Throughout my lifetime, Mother Nature saw fit
To bury my primal fear of death so deeply as to
Soothe the fear of little girl to believe
That she had little need of courage to brace
The depths of her bravado, which fooled her
Conscious awareness into misbelieving herself
Impervious to reeling from feeling so
Desperately terrified of losing her footing
Whenever fate offered ME reason to stare
In the face of three inter-related fears, which
Haunted my sense of personal safety as did
The three spirits who'd inspired
Ebenezer Scrooge to dive, heart first
Ever more deeply into the turbulence of
His inner life before the elderly chap's sense of
Clarity identified need to expand his negative
Mindsets, which influenced his choices, thus
Severely limiting his ability to enjoy life and
Love and that which doth not need to equate with
Irretrievable loss once his inner compass switched tracks
From cynicism toward freely embracing his
Innate potential to create change for the better before
The grim reaper offered him reason to explore the great unknown
Evermore ... Not alone but hand in hand with all who had
Passed, before ... seriously, if the future remains unknown then
Why contemplate anything that's scarily sad rather than
Envisioning something that feels adventuresome and grand?
And thus doth today's creativity inject my conscious mind
With such an abundance of positively focused hope as to
Guide my life raft to glide toward calm waters, yet again ...
(And here it comes, the place where where
Today's post went loco, duplicating
Trains of thought presented above before offering
Your think tanks reason to consider additional
Strings of insight that we're meant to follow those
Penned above, so here I am, requesting your
Patience to bear with me by reading forward until
You reach additional insights that link the first third of
This post with the last, and as soon as time permits
I'll be certain to edit all aspects of
This post thoroughl at my leisure, so okay, here we go ....) and
Personal loss of others was sensitized by
The degree to which I'd felt their grief running
Deeper than mine, and thus hath
Intuitive awareness served to alert my conscious
Mind to aquire the protective role of guiding light that
Shields my loved ones from as many
Cloud bursts and lightening strikes as has been
Humanly possible by acting as their life raft each time
Fate brings us together to collectively carve a path
Through the maze of grief's fearsome downpour of
Negativity until such time as bright beams of
Purposeful, sunlit positively has once more restored
Our natural, childlike, light spirited zest for life, and
Thus does my empathetic nature offer up
The degree of heartfelt TLC that a small child
Fearful of her 'sense-of-self' drowning, caralyzed
Her primal need to re-establish her lost sense of
Personal safety, which having flailed about from
One wave of grief to another, felt tossed ever more deeply
Into the swirling riptide of confusion as
A frightening siege of stormy tears poured down
Relentlessly, overhead, and so we come to see
That over my lifetime, I gave that which
I'd desperately needed but did not received when
Everyone's grief seemed to be so much greater than
That of a three year old little girl, whose greatest
Loss proved to be her diminished sensitivity to
Valuing her self worth realistically, and as long as
That visceral unmet need remained repressed within
My subconscious memory bank, my intuitive powers
Had offered my conscious mind no clue as to why
I'd absorbed the pain of others as my own until
My sense of readiness signaled the bright light of
Insight to reveal a deeper truth that had not
Spotlighted the depth of my fear of death and
Graves and relentless grief with today's sense of clarity
Because throughout my lifetime, Mother Nature saw fit
To bury that primal fear so deeply as to induce
A precocious little girl to believe that after
Her baby sister's death, she had
Little need of courage to brace
The depths of her bravado, which fooled her
Conscious awareness into misbelieving herself
Impervious to reeling from feeling so
Desperately terrified of losing her footing
Whenever fate offered ME reason to stare
Into the face of three inter-related fears, which
Haunted my subconscious sense of personal safety as did
The three spirits who'd inspired
Ebenezer Scrooge to dive, heart first
Ever more deeply into the turbulence of
His inner life so as to clarify the elderly chap's
Existential need to identify his negative
Mindsets, which influenced his choices, and once
He came to see what had severely limited his ability to
Enjoy life and love after experiencing irretrievable loss
Comprehension catalyzed his inner compass
To switch tracks from cynicism toward freely embracing his
Innate potential to create change for the better before
The grim reaper offered him reason to explore the great unknown
Evermore ... not alone but hand in hand with all who had
Passed before ... seriously, if the future remains unknown then
Why contemplate anything that's as scary as a ride through
The rapids into the hereafter as though clinging to
A life raft in disrepair, all alone, rather than taking hold of
The steering wheel while envisioning something that feels
Brand new, wonderously adventuresome and most likely grand
Awaiting to welcome each of us home ... Ohhmmm ...
And with that said, I've consciously prepared myself to attend
My brother -In-law's memorial service knowing that by setting
Denial aside, My power of intuition has fortified
My heartfelt sense of empathy to offer Will and his family
The same degree of TLC that I'd needed when
My parents were laid to rest ... and having shored up my host of
Personal strengths, I'll not mistake their pain for mine
And thus hath creativity injected my conscious mind
With such an abundance of positively focused hope as to
Guide my life raft to glide toward calm waters, yet again ...
Ohhmmm
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