(Upon re-awakening, this morning at 8am, I chose to read this post, written when I awoke with need to reach for my iPad in the dark of night. Upon review, I found many trains of thought to be so complex as to be too convoluted for my sense of clarity to remain easily on track, exemplifying what happens inside our brains when two or more contrasting functions vie for processing space, simultaneously, and in order to show you how disorienting to conscious clarity a subconscious sense of inner conflict proves to be, from time to time, I'll leave this post unedited, at least for right now. So, with hopes that this example of mental complexity doesn't overwhelm your processor with dizziness , good luck and here goes ...)
Yesterday's insight-driven train of intuitive thought left me wondering how innately intelligent the human brain actually is concerning our lymbic system's subconscious capability to come up with defense mechanisms that prove so astute as to be less self-endangering than those which had catalyzed my adrenal glands to release such a volumous production of adrenaline into my bloodstream as to cause my heart muscle to tense while simultaneously pumping so fast as to overwhelm my ventricle, resulting in paralyzing a portion of my heart so as to decrease my overstimulated blood flow from rushing so quickly into and out of my auricle as to threaten my pulmonary artery (which feeds blood in need of oxygen into my lungs) with bursting ... and as conjuring up that visceral image did not serve to calm my think tank to relax into a self-soothing ohhmmm, today's insight-driven train of intuitive thought has inspired my conscious connection to intelligence, grown knowledgeable, to feel intrigued, resulting in my sense of wholeness ending today's post with ... Hmmmm ... because the more I come to understand and absorb about the complex functions of the human brain, the more I come to respect the host of ways that my brainquest chooses to strengthen my innate connection between my processor and my sense of emotional intelligence by consciously placing my defense system's heightened sense of self-protective-over-reactiveness in time out right on the spot so as to assure my latent fear of being abandoned that I've worked to develop the awareness and readiness to create a balance between emotion and logic so as to take good care of my loved ones while meeting my personal needs, as well. And the more I work to understand the contrasting nature of my brain's complex, interactive functions and the more I voice my ability to create change for the better within my self image by absorbing knowledge about my defense mechanisms, guess what happens? I grow ever more likely to balance my thought processor during eruptive episodes of PTSD so as to stir my intuitive powers to calm an over-reactive attitude of OMG to feel Hmmm, because I've developed such a deep sense of respect for my think tank's current connection to emotional intelligence as to offer any sudden eruption of inner conflict sound reason to relax any latent fear that severs my subconscious connection to personal safety by scaring me to feel as senseless as I did at three, and as long as I don't lose a balanced sense of control over my conscious mind I find myself capable of inviting zohhmmm to feel at home just as was true when I blacked out after buckling my grand daughter into her car seat ... and perhaps, today, during our ride home after spending close to three weeks with our kids on the coast, my storyteller will sense readiness to describe that experience (which took place two days before we drove to the coast) in which my brain bent over backward to protect my precious grand daughter from harm before I took care to meet my need to thrive, as well ... and as I write and Post, I have no doubt that you'll come to see why these past three weeks compelled me to pull the best of my inner strengths together to work wholly in Will's best interest and my own, as well ... for several reasons, I'm choosing to publish this post in the raw before time to review and edit is mine, so though complex thoughts may prove in need of simplifying, hopefully insights offered will make sense ...
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Monday, August 28, 2017
1469DD HELP! I FELL AND HAD NEED TO KNOW THAT MY SOS SIGNAL WAS RECEIVED ASAP!
Steven wants me to wear one of those 'Help! I fell down and can't get up' buttons. At first, I thought: What? I'm too young for that!" Then, several days after my brother-in-law, Jeremy's death, I experienced another Vaso-Vagas spell, which felt so similar to the first that this insight arose, inspiring the conscious portion of my thought processor to place my original defensive reaction in time out: 'My first thought is not always my best thought; it's just my first thought' ... and each time that insight is conveyed on an intuitive train of thought into my conscious mind, I am reminded of how rarely people are consciously aware of the fact that during times of duress, our first thoughts are based in mindsets that prove defensively self protective, and with thoughts of how devisive our defensive rationalizations tend to be, I chose to reconsider Steven's suggestion after my defensive reaction had calmed enough to free my intelligence to acknowledge my need to confront a deeper truth, which verified my age (at 73) as having grown older than my conscious processor can readily believe.
Once my defensive fear of the aging process (progressing toward death) was courageously confronted, calmed and placed in time out, my thought processor's clear connection to logic restrengthened, and with clarity intact, I freely chose to change my mind (more for Steven's sense of inner peace than for my own) and thus did my expansive mindset decide to research those buttons, just as I did fifteen years ago after my father's death when I purchased one for my mother to wear ... and though I do not live alone, I am oftenalone with Ravi, suggesting why my mindset expanded, concerning wearing the button for Steven's sake and Ravi's safety just as my mother accepted (but did not always wear) her button for my peace of mind. The one time my mother had need to push her SOS button, ASAP, she'd found herself on the floor (after a heavy object slipping off of a high shelf directly overhead had struck very close to her upturned eye) while the button, on her nightstand, proved beyond her reach, and that thought makes me wonder if I'll wear the button 24/7 or only when I'm with Ravi, because it's my compelling primary need to keep this precious child safe from harm that will see me wearing a button that connects us both to an SOS helpline ASAP ... and now that this insight concerning Ravi's safe keeping but not my own has flashed through the intuitively intelligent portion of my brain, my conscious connection to clarity has illuminated this deeper truth: once again, my deprecated sense of self worth is in need of another session of EMDR ...
Oh my gosh! I just came to see that my storyteller has not been waiting in the wings for her cue to take center stage ... my storyteller has been telling stories, right along! Not stories from the past, but rather stories highlighting the emergence of deeper truths that I consciously choose to confront and absorb, day by day, in hopes of overcoming subconscious fears, which continue to overwhelm my think tank's ability to discern those times when my wall of denial is still blocking my conscious intelligence from differentiating between fear-based rationalizations and crystal clear logical thought processing that challenges my think tank to reconsider decisions, which had unwittingly been based in latent fears that proved so confoundingly overwhelming during childhood as to have remained subconsciously repressed, and not until my inner strengths feel ready to openly challenge, soothe and disempower each next repressed fear will the conscious portion of my processor feel free to create change for the better by untangling one unmet need after another from a cobweb that had wrapped a host of personal needs within an inexplicable cocoon made of undeserved guilt, which awaited the arousal of intuitive understanding before my sense of readiness to complete my internal sense of metamorphosis freed my mind, body and spirit to peacefully (soulfully) embrace a new decision-making process, which empowers me to create expansive changes for the better that enhance my quality of life as I muster the courage to take leaps of faith which land my re-examined sense of wholeness upon each next ascending plateau of heightened awareness where my childhood fear of rejection decreases, again and again, resulting in feeling my heart offer and receive love with such a profound sense of tranquil humility as to disempower the intrusion of defensive reactivity from growing ever more devisive, because every nook and cranny of my heart and mind are filled with love, inclusive of enough self love to embrace both sides of my nature so as to openly acknowledge my human vulnerabilities knowing that they are bolstered by silently embracing the sum of my inner strengths ... and if one of my brain's self protective, defensive reactions (stimulated by a sudden visceral eruption of PTSD alerts my Vagas nerve to slow my pulse rate in order to detour away from any possibility of ventricular dysfunction) then today's train of thought, concerning intuitive change for the better, suggests why I'll seriously consider wearing an SOS button, 24/7, thus ensuring that my think tank does not have to force itself to remain connected to its crystal clear sense of logic if another vaso-vagas reaction to stress sees me blacking out, and on that positive note, concerning the depth with which I've come to understand how emergent insights continue to inspire my conscious story teller to feel free to leap away from yesteryear's stories in favor of voicing life lessons I'm in need of absorbing in hopes of creating changes for the better, day by day, my conscious mind feels an inner sense of peaceful readiness to end today's intuitive, insight-driven train of thought By fueling my engine to pull my sense of wholeness into a rest station, right now ... Ohhmmman
Once my defensive fear of the aging process (progressing toward death) was courageously confronted, calmed and placed in time out, my thought processor's clear connection to logic restrengthened, and with clarity intact, I freely chose to change my mind (more for Steven's sense of inner peace than for my own) and thus did my expansive mindset decide to research those buttons, just as I did fifteen years ago after my father's death when I purchased one for my mother to wear ... and though I do not live alone, I am oftenalone with Ravi, suggesting why my mindset expanded, concerning wearing the button for Steven's sake and Ravi's safety just as my mother accepted (but did not always wear) her button for my peace of mind. The one time my mother had need to push her SOS button, ASAP, she'd found herself on the floor (after a heavy object slipping off of a high shelf directly overhead had struck very close to her upturned eye) while the button, on her nightstand, proved beyond her reach, and that thought makes me wonder if I'll wear the button 24/7 or only when I'm with Ravi, because it's my compelling primary need to keep this precious child safe from harm that will see me wearing a button that connects us both to an SOS helpline ASAP ... and now that this insight concerning Ravi's safe keeping but not my own has flashed through the intuitively intelligent portion of my brain, my conscious connection to clarity has illuminated this deeper truth: once again, my deprecated sense of self worth is in need of another session of EMDR ...
Oh my gosh! I just came to see that my storyteller has not been waiting in the wings for her cue to take center stage ... my storyteller has been telling stories, right along! Not stories from the past, but rather stories highlighting the emergence of deeper truths that I consciously choose to confront and absorb, day by day, in hopes of overcoming subconscious fears, which continue to overwhelm my think tank's ability to discern those times when my wall of denial is still blocking my conscious intelligence from differentiating between fear-based rationalizations and crystal clear logical thought processing that challenges my think tank to reconsider decisions, which had unwittingly been based in latent fears that proved so confoundingly overwhelming during childhood as to have remained subconsciously repressed, and not until my inner strengths feel ready to openly challenge, soothe and disempower each next repressed fear will the conscious portion of my processor feel free to create change for the better by untangling one unmet need after another from a cobweb that had wrapped a host of personal needs within an inexplicable cocoon made of undeserved guilt, which awaited the arousal of intuitive understanding before my sense of readiness to complete my internal sense of metamorphosis freed my mind, body and spirit to peacefully (soulfully) embrace a new decision-making process, which empowers me to create expansive changes for the better that enhance my quality of life as I muster the courage to take leaps of faith which land my re-examined sense of wholeness upon each next ascending plateau of heightened awareness where my childhood fear of rejection decreases, again and again, resulting in feeling my heart offer and receive love with such a profound sense of tranquil humility as to disempower the intrusion of defensive reactivity from growing ever more devisive, because every nook and cranny of my heart and mind are filled with love, inclusive of enough self love to embrace both sides of my nature so as to openly acknowledge my human vulnerabilities knowing that they are bolstered by silently embracing the sum of my inner strengths ... and if one of my brain's self protective, defensive reactions (stimulated by a sudden visceral eruption of PTSD alerts my Vagas nerve to slow my pulse rate in order to detour away from any possibility of ventricular dysfunction) then today's train of thought, concerning intuitive change for the better, suggests why I'll seriously consider wearing an SOS button, 24/7, thus ensuring that my think tank does not have to force itself to remain connected to its crystal clear sense of logic if another vaso-vagas reaction to stress sees me blacking out, and on that positive note, concerning the depth with which I've come to understand how emergent insights continue to inspire my conscious story teller to feel free to leap away from yesteryear's stories in favor of voicing life lessons I'm in need of absorbing in hopes of creating changes for the better, day by day, my conscious mind feels an inner sense of peaceful readiness to end today's intuitive, insight-driven train of thought By fueling my engine to pull my sense of wholeness into a rest station, right now ... Ohhmmman
Sunday, August 27, 2017
1469D MUSTERING MENTAL STRENGTH .....
Two weeks ago, I had an experience that catalyzed
An episode of PTSD to arise so suddenly as to have
Stimulated my defense system to alert my vegas nerve to
Slow down my pulse rate, and as a slowed pulse rate
Diminishes the output of oxygenated blood from the heart
My heart pumped so little blood into my brain as to have
Caused the syncopal episode (light headed, dizzied
Physical collapse) resulting in my having experienced
The Vaso-vagas reaction, described above, and here are
The circumstances that had seriously exacerbated
My problem after my blood pressure had inexplicably
Plummeted so spontaneously: When feeling myself losing
Consciousness, I was outside alone with Ravi, who was
Not yet securely buckled into her car seat, and
As I hit the pavement with the sun shining directly
Overhead, the temperature had already
Soared higher than 107 degrees ...
An episode of PTSD to arise so suddenly as to have
Stimulated my defense system to alert my vegas nerve to
Slow down my pulse rate, and as a slowed pulse rate
Diminishes the output of oxygenated blood from the heart
My heart pumped so little blood into my brain as to have
Caused the syncopal episode (light headed, dizzied
Physical collapse) resulting in my having experienced
The Vaso-vagas reaction, described above, and here are
The circumstances that had seriously exacerbated
My problem after my blood pressure had inexplicably
Plummeted so spontaneously: When feeling myself losing
Consciousness, I was outside alone with Ravi, who was
Not yet securely buckled into her car seat, and
As I hit the pavement with the sun shining directly
Overhead, the temperature had already
Soared higher than 107 degrees ...
Saturday, August 26, 2017
1469CCCCCC COMMUNION OF MIND, BODY, SPIRIT AND SOUL
Over most of my life, my conscious mind existed in a perpetual state of denial, which explains why I did not feel need to create posts concerning emotional reactiveness overwhelming my think tank's cognitive connection to clarity, and I remained within that enchanted alternate universe, because one of my unidentified fears was directly related to spotlighting insights that would reveal terrifying truths buried alive deep inside my subconscious. You see, if intuitive thought had attempted to ignite my connection to clarity before a courageous sense of readiness was mine, any viscerally unnerving possibility of depriving my imaginative sense of personal safety of its protective wall of denial had to be blocked by a defensive spike of anxiety, because clarity, concerning consciously facing up to certain terrifying aspects of my past, was what my conscious awareness feared confronting, openly and honestly, most of all!
Therefore, in order to bury my fear of clarity, my defense system resorted to rationalization, which, though resembling logical thought processing, is not necessarily logical, at all ... so in order to nip my habit of distorting the truth by way of focusing upon rationalization, today, I consistently review deeper truths, which are no longer scare me senseless so as to ensure that my learning curve does not inadvertently switch tracks back to self deception, which had been my life-long, self protective defensive pattern. And once my newer pattern of forging my path with courage acting as my sythe has sliced through rationalizations that bogged down my ability to clear away fear-based cobwebs, which had tangled yesteryear's untamed fears throughout my trains of thought, I hope my story-teller will step free of my brain's web of anxiety-based fogginess so that I can clarify how often creative thought processes entertwining with humor inspired three competitive little boys to grow up to become a band of brothers whose existential differences continue to harmonize with emotional intelligence so as to create a family opus in which parents and offspring truly hold each other's best interests within each other's hearts as we've collectively come to understand that divided we flail around in search of securing our personal sense of safety whereas together we thrive while cheering each other on to realize deeply valued, highly personal, long range goals ...and during this sad time of loss, I'll paraphrase the last heartfelt insight that Will expressed, soulfully, while eulogizing his love for his brother ... Though my brother's body has gone to its eternal resting place, my brother's spirit will live forever in my heart.
Ohhmmm ...
Therefore, in order to bury my fear of clarity, my defense system resorted to rationalization, which, though resembling logical thought processing, is not necessarily logical, at all ... so in order to nip my habit of distorting the truth by way of focusing upon rationalization, today, I consistently review deeper truths, which are no longer scare me senseless so as to ensure that my learning curve does not inadvertently switch tracks back to self deception, which had been my life-long, self protective defensive pattern. And once my newer pattern of forging my path with courage acting as my sythe has sliced through rationalizations that bogged down my ability to clear away fear-based cobwebs, which had tangled yesteryear's untamed fears throughout my trains of thought, I hope my story-teller will step free of my brain's web of anxiety-based fogginess so that I can clarify how often creative thought processes entertwining with humor inspired three competitive little boys to grow up to become a band of brothers whose existential differences continue to harmonize with emotional intelligence so as to create a family opus in which parents and offspring truly hold each other's best interests within each other's hearts as we've collectively come to understand that divided we flail around in search of securing our personal sense of safety whereas together we thrive while cheering each other on to realize deeply valued, highly personal, long range goals ...and during this sad time of loss, I'll paraphrase the last heartfelt insight that Will expressed, soulfully, while eulogizing his love for his brother ... Though my brother's body has gone to its eternal resting place, my brother's spirit will live forever in my heart.
Ohhmmm ...
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
1469CCCCC. HOW DO PRIMAL FEARS PRIMARY FEARS AND SECONDARY FEARS DIFFER?
(A cautionary note: this post is in serious need of
Editing when time permits)
Though I do not want to disappoint
I can sense my original train of thought
Switching tracks from defining fears to ...
Focus my think tank toward tending
Lovingly, supportively and wholly
To the needs of loved ones whose
Heavy hearts, like Will's, feel
A grievous degree of personal loss
In need of TLC, suggesting why
I'll choose to set my need to write
Aside until readiness feels inspired to
Pick up my iPad to pen experiential
Insights concerning my reason for
Delineating three categories of
Fears, which though not one and the same
Prove to be profoundly intertwined, making
It difficult for the conscious mind to
Differentiate one from another
However if inner need to write grows strong before
My whole mind feels free to compose
A new post, I'll likely spend whatever
Downtime is mine adding insights to
Those, which emerged au natural (yesterday
And today) as streams of consciousness poured
Peacefully out of the most relaxed, least
Tense portion of my soul, suggestive of
My having made mindful gains in
Quelling waves of in deserved guilt, which
Forbade me from placing a high value on
Meeting my needs ever since my self worth
Fell into a subconscious whirlpool of
Disrepair after my baby sister's death before
I'd reached the age of three at which time
My think tank felt intuitive reason to despair over
The inner conflict expressed below (which proved
Far too complex for a child's confounded processor to
Comprehend much less absorb in an emotionally
Healthy, well balanced fashion as proves true, today):
I was not born to see myself as insignificant or as
The omnipotent healing epicenter of
Any person's unnamed, untamed
Repressed pain other than that which
Proves to be my own, and at times when my
Repressed pain proves so deep as to
Put the supportive part of my nature to sleep
I'll respect my defense system's human
Vulnerability as my own, knowing
That though I feel unable to
Show my internal support
My kind words and gentle voice tones
Will offer the compassion that my heartfelt
Empathetic reaction feels deep inside my
Defense system's self protective shell
Ohhmmm ...
Ha! Look what just happened!
Intuitive thought outsmarted my
Conscious mind by awakening my processor at
5am to pen a new post, after all!
And if asked: What universal truth has insight
Spotlighted by way of creative means, today?
My intuitive, self respecting voice would reply:
Ive come to understand the empathetic nature of
Heartfelt attentiveness with which I'd felt need to
Soothe the pain of others before attending to my own
And though my need to place my pain aside is sensitized by
My awareness concerning the level of my grief
As compared with the deeper degrees of theirs, today's
Intuitive awareness serves to alert my conscious
Mind to adopt the protective role of guiding light that
Shields my loved ones from as many
Cloud bursts and lightening strikes as has been
Humanly possible without denying my need to heal, as well
In short, I can't expect my strengths to act as life raft for
Everyone's vulnerability each time fate brings us together to
Collectively carve a path through the mind-bending maze of
Grief's stormy downpour of fearsome negativity until
Such time as bright beams of purposeful, sunlit
Positivity has once again restored our natural
Childlike, light spirited zest for life, and
Thus had my empathetic nature offered to others
The depth of heartfelt TLC that a small confounded
A child, fearful of her 'sense-of-self' drowning all
Alone, had felt need to conjure up in order to
Re-stabilize her lost sense of personal safety, which
Having flailed about from one wave of adult
Grief to another after my baby sister died, felt
Tossed ever more deeply
Into the swirling riptide of confusion as
A frightening siege of stormy tears poured down
Relentlessly, overhead, and so we come to see
That over my lifetime, I gave exactly that which
I'd desperately needed but did not receive when
Everyone's grief seemed to be so much greater than
That of a three year old little girl, whose greatest
Loss proved to be her diminished sensitivity to
Valuing her self worth realistically, and as long as
That visceral unmet need remained repressed within
My subconscious memory bank, my intuitive powers
Offered my conscious mind no clue as to why
I'd absorbed the pain of others as readily as my own until
My sense of readiness signaled the bright light of
Insight to reveal a deeper truth that had not
Spotlighted the depth of my fear of death and
Graves and relentless grief until today's flash of clarity
Brightened my self awareness with this insight :
Throughout my lifetime, Mother Nature saw fit
To bury my primal fear of death so deeply as to
Soothe the fear of little girl to believe
That she had little need of courage to brace
The depths of her bravado, which fooled her
Conscious awareness into misbelieving herself
Impervious to reeling from feeling so
Desperately terrified of losing her footing
Whenever fate offered ME reason to stare
In the face of three inter-related fears, which
Haunted my sense of personal safety as did
The three spirits who'd inspired
Ebenezer Scrooge to dive, heart first
Ever more deeply into the turbulence of
His inner life before the elderly chap's sense of
Clarity identified need to expand his negative
Mindsets, which influenced his choices, thus
Severely limiting his ability to enjoy life and
Love and that which doth not need to equate with
Irretrievable loss once his inner compass switched tracks
From cynicism toward freely embracing his
Innate potential to create change for the better before
The grim reaper offered him reason to explore the great unknown
Evermore ... Not alone but hand in hand with all who had
Passed, before ... seriously, if the future remains unknown then
Why contemplate anything that's scarily sad rather than
Envisioning something that feels adventuresome and grand?
And thus doth today's creativity inject my conscious mind
With such an abundance of positively focused hope as to
Guide my life raft to glide toward calm waters, yet again ...
(And here it comes, the place where where
Today's post went loco, duplicating
Trains of thought presented above before offering
Your think tanks reason to consider additional
Strings of insight that we're meant to follow those
Penned above, so here I am, requesting your
Patience to bear with me by reading forward until
You reach additional insights that link the first third of
This post with the last, and as soon as time permits
I'll be certain to edit all aspects of
This post thoroughl at my leisure, so okay, here we go ....) and
Personal loss of others was sensitized by
The degree to which I'd felt their grief running
Deeper than mine, and thus hath
Intuitive awareness served to alert my conscious
Mind to aquire the protective role of guiding light that
Shields my loved ones from as many
Cloud bursts and lightening strikes as has been
Humanly possible by acting as their life raft each time
Fate brings us together to collectively carve a path
Through the maze of grief's fearsome downpour of
Negativity until such time as bright beams of
Purposeful, sunlit positively has once more restored
Our natural, childlike, light spirited zest for life, and
Thus does my empathetic nature offer up
The degree of heartfelt TLC that a small child
Fearful of her 'sense-of-self' drowning, caralyzed
Her primal need to re-establish her lost sense of
Personal safety, which having flailed about from
One wave of grief to another, felt tossed ever more deeply
Into the swirling riptide of confusion as
A frightening siege of stormy tears poured down
Relentlessly, overhead, and so we come to see
That over my lifetime, I gave that which
I'd desperately needed but did not received when
Everyone's grief seemed to be so much greater than
That of a three year old little girl, whose greatest
Loss proved to be her diminished sensitivity to
Valuing her self worth realistically, and as long as
That visceral unmet need remained repressed within
My subconscious memory bank, my intuitive powers
Had offered my conscious mind no clue as to why
I'd absorbed the pain of others as my own until
My sense of readiness signaled the bright light of
Insight to reveal a deeper truth that had not
Spotlighted the depth of my fear of death and
Graves and relentless grief with today's sense of clarity
Because throughout my lifetime, Mother Nature saw fit
To bury that primal fear so deeply as to induce
A precocious little girl to believe that after
Her baby sister's death, she had
Little need of courage to brace
The depths of her bravado, which fooled her
Conscious awareness into misbelieving herself
Impervious to reeling from feeling so
Desperately terrified of losing her footing
Whenever fate offered ME reason to stare
Into the face of three inter-related fears, which
Haunted my subconscious sense of personal safety as did
The three spirits who'd inspired
Ebenezer Scrooge to dive, heart first
Ever more deeply into the turbulence of
His inner life so as to clarify the elderly chap's
Existential need to identify his negative
Mindsets, which influenced his choices, and once
He came to see what had severely limited his ability to
Enjoy life and love after experiencing irretrievable loss
Comprehension catalyzed his inner compass
To switch tracks from cynicism toward freely embracing his
Innate potential to create change for the better before
The grim reaper offered him reason to explore the great unknown
Evermore ... not alone but hand in hand with all who had
Passed before ... seriously, if the future remains unknown then
Why contemplate anything that's as scary as a ride through
The rapids into the hereafter as though clinging to
A life raft in disrepair, all alone, rather than taking hold of
The steering wheel while envisioning something that feels
Brand new, wonderously adventuresome and most likely grand
Awaiting to welcome each of us home ... Ohhmmm ...
And with that said, I've consciously prepared myself to attend
My brother -In-law's memorial service knowing that by setting
Denial aside, My power of intuition has fortified
My heartfelt sense of empathy to offer Will and his family
The same degree of TLC that I'd needed when
My parents were laid to rest ... and having shored up my host of
Personal strengths, I'll not mistake their pain for mine
And thus hath creativity injected my conscious mind
With such an abundance of positively focused hope as to
Guide my life raft to glide toward calm waters, yet again ...
Ohhmmm
Editing when time permits)
Though I do not want to disappoint
I can sense my original train of thought
Switching tracks from defining fears to ...
Focus my think tank toward tending
Lovingly, supportively and wholly
To the needs of loved ones whose
Heavy hearts, like Will's, feel
A grievous degree of personal loss
In need of TLC, suggesting why
I'll choose to set my need to write
Aside until readiness feels inspired to
Pick up my iPad to pen experiential
Insights concerning my reason for
Delineating three categories of
Fears, which though not one and the same
Prove to be profoundly intertwined, making
It difficult for the conscious mind to
Differentiate one from another
However if inner need to write grows strong before
My whole mind feels free to compose
A new post, I'll likely spend whatever
Downtime is mine adding insights to
Those, which emerged au natural (yesterday
And today) as streams of consciousness poured
Peacefully out of the most relaxed, least
Tense portion of my soul, suggestive of
My having made mindful gains in
Quelling waves of in deserved guilt, which
Forbade me from placing a high value on
Meeting my needs ever since my self worth
Fell into a subconscious whirlpool of
Disrepair after my baby sister's death before
I'd reached the age of three at which time
My think tank felt intuitive reason to despair over
The inner conflict expressed below (which proved
Far too complex for a child's confounded processor to
Comprehend much less absorb in an emotionally
Healthy, well balanced fashion as proves true, today):
I was not born to see myself as insignificant or as
The omnipotent healing epicenter of
Any person's unnamed, untamed
Repressed pain other than that which
Proves to be my own, and at times when my
Repressed pain proves so deep as to
Put the supportive part of my nature to sleep
I'll respect my defense system's human
Vulnerability as my own, knowing
That though I feel unable to
Show my internal support
My kind words and gentle voice tones
Will offer the compassion that my heartfelt
Empathetic reaction feels deep inside my
Defense system's self protective shell
Ohhmmm ...
Ha! Look what just happened!
Intuitive thought outsmarted my
Conscious mind by awakening my processor at
5am to pen a new post, after all!
And if asked: What universal truth has insight
Spotlighted by way of creative means, today?
My intuitive, self respecting voice would reply:
Ive come to understand the empathetic nature of
Heartfelt attentiveness with which I'd felt need to
Soothe the pain of others before attending to my own
And though my need to place my pain aside is sensitized by
My awareness concerning the level of my grief
As compared with the deeper degrees of theirs, today's
Intuitive awareness serves to alert my conscious
Mind to adopt the protective role of guiding light that
Shields my loved ones from as many
Cloud bursts and lightening strikes as has been
Humanly possible without denying my need to heal, as well
In short, I can't expect my strengths to act as life raft for
Everyone's vulnerability each time fate brings us together to
Collectively carve a path through the mind-bending maze of
Grief's stormy downpour of fearsome negativity until
Such time as bright beams of purposeful, sunlit
Positivity has once again restored our natural
Childlike, light spirited zest for life, and
Thus had my empathetic nature offered to others
The depth of heartfelt TLC that a small confounded
A child, fearful of her 'sense-of-self' drowning all
Alone, had felt need to conjure up in order to
Re-stabilize her lost sense of personal safety, which
Having flailed about from one wave of adult
Grief to another after my baby sister died, felt
Tossed ever more deeply
Into the swirling riptide of confusion as
A frightening siege of stormy tears poured down
Relentlessly, overhead, and so we come to see
That over my lifetime, I gave exactly that which
I'd desperately needed but did not receive when
Everyone's grief seemed to be so much greater than
That of a three year old little girl, whose greatest
Loss proved to be her diminished sensitivity to
Valuing her self worth realistically, and as long as
That visceral unmet need remained repressed within
My subconscious memory bank, my intuitive powers
Offered my conscious mind no clue as to why
I'd absorbed the pain of others as readily as my own until
My sense of readiness signaled the bright light of
Insight to reveal a deeper truth that had not
Spotlighted the depth of my fear of death and
Graves and relentless grief until today's flash of clarity
Brightened my self awareness with this insight :
Throughout my lifetime, Mother Nature saw fit
To bury my primal fear of death so deeply as to
Soothe the fear of little girl to believe
That she had little need of courage to brace
The depths of her bravado, which fooled her
Conscious awareness into misbelieving herself
Impervious to reeling from feeling so
Desperately terrified of losing her footing
Whenever fate offered ME reason to stare
In the face of three inter-related fears, which
Haunted my sense of personal safety as did
The three spirits who'd inspired
Ebenezer Scrooge to dive, heart first
Ever more deeply into the turbulence of
His inner life before the elderly chap's sense of
Clarity identified need to expand his negative
Mindsets, which influenced his choices, thus
Severely limiting his ability to enjoy life and
Love and that which doth not need to equate with
Irretrievable loss once his inner compass switched tracks
From cynicism toward freely embracing his
Innate potential to create change for the better before
The grim reaper offered him reason to explore the great unknown
Evermore ... Not alone but hand in hand with all who had
Passed, before ... seriously, if the future remains unknown then
Why contemplate anything that's scarily sad rather than
Envisioning something that feels adventuresome and grand?
And thus doth today's creativity inject my conscious mind
With such an abundance of positively focused hope as to
Guide my life raft to glide toward calm waters, yet again ...
(And here it comes, the place where where
Today's post went loco, duplicating
Trains of thought presented above before offering
Your think tanks reason to consider additional
Strings of insight that we're meant to follow those
Penned above, so here I am, requesting your
Patience to bear with me by reading forward until
You reach additional insights that link the first third of
This post with the last, and as soon as time permits
I'll be certain to edit all aspects of
This post thoroughl at my leisure, so okay, here we go ....) and
Personal loss of others was sensitized by
The degree to which I'd felt their grief running
Deeper than mine, and thus hath
Intuitive awareness served to alert my conscious
Mind to aquire the protective role of guiding light that
Shields my loved ones from as many
Cloud bursts and lightening strikes as has been
Humanly possible by acting as their life raft each time
Fate brings us together to collectively carve a path
Through the maze of grief's fearsome downpour of
Negativity until such time as bright beams of
Purposeful, sunlit positively has once more restored
Our natural, childlike, light spirited zest for life, and
Thus does my empathetic nature offer up
The degree of heartfelt TLC that a small child
Fearful of her 'sense-of-self' drowning, caralyzed
Her primal need to re-establish her lost sense of
Personal safety, which having flailed about from
One wave of grief to another, felt tossed ever more deeply
Into the swirling riptide of confusion as
A frightening siege of stormy tears poured down
Relentlessly, overhead, and so we come to see
That over my lifetime, I gave that which
I'd desperately needed but did not received when
Everyone's grief seemed to be so much greater than
That of a three year old little girl, whose greatest
Loss proved to be her diminished sensitivity to
Valuing her self worth realistically, and as long as
That visceral unmet need remained repressed within
My subconscious memory bank, my intuitive powers
Had offered my conscious mind no clue as to why
I'd absorbed the pain of others as my own until
My sense of readiness signaled the bright light of
Insight to reveal a deeper truth that had not
Spotlighted the depth of my fear of death and
Graves and relentless grief with today's sense of clarity
Because throughout my lifetime, Mother Nature saw fit
To bury that primal fear so deeply as to induce
A precocious little girl to believe that after
Her baby sister's death, she had
Little need of courage to brace
The depths of her bravado, which fooled her
Conscious awareness into misbelieving herself
Impervious to reeling from feeling so
Desperately terrified of losing her footing
Whenever fate offered ME reason to stare
Into the face of three inter-related fears, which
Haunted my subconscious sense of personal safety as did
The three spirits who'd inspired
Ebenezer Scrooge to dive, heart first
Ever more deeply into the turbulence of
His inner life so as to clarify the elderly chap's
Existential need to identify his negative
Mindsets, which influenced his choices, and once
He came to see what had severely limited his ability to
Enjoy life and love after experiencing irretrievable loss
Comprehension catalyzed his inner compass
To switch tracks from cynicism toward freely embracing his
Innate potential to create change for the better before
The grim reaper offered him reason to explore the great unknown
Evermore ... not alone but hand in hand with all who had
Passed before ... seriously, if the future remains unknown then
Why contemplate anything that's as scary as a ride through
The rapids into the hereafter as though clinging to
A life raft in disrepair, all alone, rather than taking hold of
The steering wheel while envisioning something that feels
Brand new, wonderously adventuresome and most likely grand
Awaiting to welcome each of us home ... Ohhmmm ...
And with that said, I've consciously prepared myself to attend
My brother -In-law's memorial service knowing that by setting
Denial aside, My power of intuition has fortified
My heartfelt sense of empathy to offer Will and his family
The same degree of TLC that I'd needed when
My parents were laid to rest ... and having shored up my host of
Personal strengths, I'll not mistake their pain for mine
And thus hath creativity injected my conscious mind
With such an abundance of positively focused hope as to
Guide my life raft to glide toward calm waters, yet again ...
Ohhmmm
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
1469CCCC. HOLY JUMPIN' SASSAFRASS ... !
HOLY JUMPIN' SASSAFRASS!
I awoke with so many puzzlements
Vying for space inside my head as to make me
Wonder where in tarnation today's stream of
Intuitive thought plans to take me, next?
In fact with so many questions, concerning
Life, love and irretrievable loss
Bouncing like jumping beans
Inside my head, you'd think that certain
Questions, which no one can answer might
Step aside instead of cutting to the front of
The line, because only those souls
Who have already transitioned from
Our world to the next can send their spirits on
An empathetic mission to whisper words
Based in experiential wisdom into ears, which
Have chosen to turn up the volume on intuitive thought—
Not to worry—I'm not suddenly seeing myself as
Psychic (or psycho)—I'm simply in need of
Busying my brain so that grave thoughts of
Grief struck, irretrievable loss do not catalyze
A Vaso-Vagas reaction so as to slow my pulse
Causing a drop in my blood pressure thus
Depriving my brain of oxygen, leading to
A reeling sense of light-headedness that sends
My think tank spinning like a top, which
Upon losing momentumaints dead away ... Well, look at that!
Did you see the stealth with which that trio of
Dreaded words snuck into
My conscious awareness without stirring
Any sense of latent anxiety, which lies in wait to
Pounce upon my need of personal safely so
Bitingly as to sever my adult processor's
Connection to logic the moment that
Yesteryear's still potent fear squeezes itself
Through a crack in my defense system's
Wall of denial? And if you ask how such
A miraculous change for the better could have
Happened overnight, I'd reply:
Intuitive thought, knowing my human
Vulnerabilities, chose to enlist two of
My personal strengths (creativity and
Humor) to brainstorm with intelligence until my
Brain, functioning as a well balanced whole
Figured out how best to tame an uprising of
Childhood's unnamed anxiety by injecting
A healthy state of mind into today's
Natural stream of emotionality in order to
Reassure my spirit and visceral reaction that
My self disciplined sense of solution-seeking
Logic remains intact, suggesting that
My adult connection to today's proactive
Consciously remodeled, positively focused
Brain structure will continue to feel
Sensitized to subconscious need to recharge
My inner sense of balance by re-energizing
My host of inner strengths in such a timely
Fashion as to refortify my intuitive
Determination to dominate yesteryear's
Primary (buried-alive) fear, which left to roam
Anxiously on its own would surely have
Tied the loops of my brain into tight knots of
Tension that might have demanded
Days of inner struggle before straightening
My think tank out ... Whew!
Though practice may not make perfect
Each time I feel need to review complex
Functions of the human brain, which, left
To work independent of each other are directly
Opposed to problem solving as a well organized
Team, I make certain not to free an uprising of
Latent fear, which left to its own devices would
Create a sense of inner divisiveness, thus serving to
Complicate today's natural output of emotional
Reactivity with inner conflict that would likely
Drive my think tank half way toward feeling insane
And as driving myself toward insanity is not
Natural to my nature, you've watched
My re-strengthened connection to sanity grasping
A firmer hold onto the steering wheel of
My life raft, thus assuring my inner compass's
Sense of clarity that with intuitive thought at
The helm, my brain is not about to release
Today's reactive sense of PTSD to push me over a cliff
Where naught but another terror-struck ride through
Childhood's rapids awaits to toss my adult sense of balance
To and fro, and having regrounded my sense of wholeness
In readiness to steady myself to greet another sad day with
The stability to empathetically separate the pain of
Loved ones from my own, that's all I feel need to say
Suggestive of the fact that, yet again, tuning into
Intuitive thought has offered me the insight to
Spotlight exactly where today's stream of intelligent
Thought felt need to direct my next steps to go in order to
Take this leap of faith over the cliff, thus over
Yesteryear's rapids S o as to land, if not yet on
The sunny side of the street, at least upon
An angle of self soothed inner repose, where having
Taken good care of my inner life, my soulfully
Refueled spirit may more readily soothe the reactivity of
Loved ones, whose heavy hearts, feel so great a sense of
Personal loss as to have need to lean upon my restructured
Adult strengths for awhile though, not forever ...
And so, though today's post began with my conscious mind
Feeling need to exclaim: HOLY JUMPING SASSAFRASS!
We come to see why our intuitive powers repeatedly
Coax our innate sense of courage to converse with
Uprisings of latent fears so as to choose to raise
Our glasses (and consciousness) in communal
Celebration of life while, at the same time, feeling
Personally challenged to satisfy the human spirit's
Soulful need to reconnect with a host of inner strengths
So as to fully resusciate our inner sense of joy, concerning
Our good fortune to create change for the better by stoking
Our conscious think tanks with intuitive insights that
Inspire darkened attitudes to brightly refocus our
Inner spotlights toward freely embracing
Life and love more wholly than ever before!
L'chaim!
I awoke with so many puzzlements
Vying for space inside my head as to make me
Wonder where in tarnation today's stream of
Intuitive thought plans to take me, next?
In fact with so many questions, concerning
Life, love and irretrievable loss
Bouncing like jumping beans
Inside my head, you'd think that certain
Questions, which no one can answer might
Step aside instead of cutting to the front of
The line, because only those souls
Who have already transitioned from
Our world to the next can send their spirits on
An empathetic mission to whisper words
Based in experiential wisdom into ears, which
Have chosen to turn up the volume on intuitive thought—
Not to worry—I'm not suddenly seeing myself as
Psychic (or psycho)—I'm simply in need of
Busying my brain so that grave thoughts of
Grief struck, irretrievable loss do not catalyze
A Vaso-Vagas reaction so as to slow my pulse
Causing a drop in my blood pressure thus
Depriving my brain of oxygen, leading to
A reeling sense of light-headedness that sends
My think tank spinning like a top, which
Upon losing momentumaints dead away ... Well, look at that!
Did you see the stealth with which that trio of
Dreaded words snuck into
My conscious awareness without stirring
Any sense of latent anxiety, which lies in wait to
Pounce upon my need of personal safely so
Bitingly as to sever my adult processor's
Connection to logic the moment that
Yesteryear's still potent fear squeezes itself
Through a crack in my defense system's
Wall of denial? And if you ask how such
A miraculous change for the better could have
Happened overnight, I'd reply:
Intuitive thought, knowing my human
Vulnerabilities, chose to enlist two of
My personal strengths (creativity and
Humor) to brainstorm with intelligence until my
Brain, functioning as a well balanced whole
Figured out how best to tame an uprising of
Childhood's unnamed anxiety by injecting
A healthy state of mind into today's
Natural stream of emotionality in order to
Reassure my spirit and visceral reaction that
My self disciplined sense of solution-seeking
Logic remains intact, suggesting that
My adult connection to today's proactive
Consciously remodeled, positively focused
Brain structure will continue to feel
Sensitized to subconscious need to recharge
My inner sense of balance by re-energizing
My host of inner strengths in such a timely
Fashion as to refortify my intuitive
Determination to dominate yesteryear's
Primary (buried-alive) fear, which left to roam
Anxiously on its own would surely have
Tied the loops of my brain into tight knots of
Tension that might have demanded
Days of inner struggle before straightening
My think tank out ... Whew!
Though practice may not make perfect
Each time I feel need to review complex
Functions of the human brain, which, left
To work independent of each other are directly
Opposed to problem solving as a well organized
Team, I make certain not to free an uprising of
Latent fear, which left to its own devices would
Create a sense of inner divisiveness, thus serving to
Complicate today's natural output of emotional
Reactivity with inner conflict that would likely
Drive my think tank half way toward feeling insane
And as driving myself toward insanity is not
Natural to my nature, you've watched
My re-strengthened connection to sanity grasping
A firmer hold onto the steering wheel of
My life raft, thus assuring my inner compass's
Sense of clarity that with intuitive thought at
The helm, my brain is not about to release
Today's reactive sense of PTSD to push me over a cliff
Where naught but another terror-struck ride through
Childhood's rapids awaits to toss my adult sense of balance
To and fro, and having regrounded my sense of wholeness
In readiness to steady myself to greet another sad day with
The stability to empathetically separate the pain of
Loved ones from my own, that's all I feel need to say
Suggestive of the fact that, yet again, tuning into
Intuitive thought has offered me the insight to
Spotlight exactly where today's stream of intelligent
Thought felt need to direct my next steps to go in order to
Take this leap of faith over the cliff, thus over
Yesteryear's rapids S o as to land, if not yet on
The sunny side of the street, at least upon
An angle of self soothed inner repose, where having
Taken good care of my inner life, my soulfully
Refueled spirit may more readily soothe the reactivity of
Loved ones, whose heavy hearts, feel so great a sense of
Personal loss as to have need to lean upon my restructured
Adult strengths for awhile though, not forever ...
And so, though today's post began with my conscious mind
Feeling need to exclaim: HOLY JUMPING SASSAFRASS!
We come to see why our intuitive powers repeatedly
Coax our innate sense of courage to converse with
Uprisings of latent fears so as to choose to raise
Our glasses (and consciousness) in communal
Celebration of life while, at the same time, feeling
Personally challenged to satisfy the human spirit's
Soulful need to reconnect with a host of inner strengths
So as to fully resusciate our inner sense of joy, concerning
Our good fortune to create change for the better by stoking
Our conscious think tanks with intuitive insights that
Inspire darkened attitudes to brightly refocus our
Inner spotlights toward freely embracing
Life and love more wholly than ever before!
L'chaim!
Monday, August 21, 2017
1469CCC ARE PRIMARY FEARS AND PRIMAL FEARS ONE AND THE SAME?
Having found myself awakened in the dark of night
By waves of grief guiding me to write, my power of
Intuition, which is primal to human nature
Compelled me to soothe a sudden spike of
(Latent?) anxiety in hopes of relaxing
My heart muscle, which was painfully
Constricting thus limiting the oxygen intake that
Fuels my well-oiled brain to function clearly
And since reading previous posts calms
My naturally expressive emergence of emotionality
I found my processor adding insights to
Post 1469CC, because I could not fall back to
Sleep without soothing my primal fear of death
Hovering overhead, resembling Stranger Danger
Closing in after a phone call from Albuquerque
Woke us at 2AM ...
Will has already begun to soothe his primal grief, thus
Quelling his rising sense of anxiety by comforting
His heartfelt sadness with a deeper truth based in
Logic, concerning the fact that his brother, who'd
Felt quite unwell for much too long a spell, is
Now at peace ... Furthermore, my husband will
Express his natural emotional reactions in a way that
Differs from mine in that he'll escape into a restless sleep
While past experience suggests that sleep won't come to
Me until the latency of my (subconscious) fearful reaction to
The dark cloud of death hanging overhead has been tamed
Suggesting my need to confront anxiety concerning
The brevity of the circle of life intertwining with
The agony of yesteryear's personal loss, both of which
Will prove more easily controlled, currently, than
Would have been true had my intuitive powers not
Coaxed me to take iPad in hand and busy
My brain with proactively examining my inner life more
Conscientiously than had been possible until I'd chosen to open
My ears, turn up the volume on my intuitive voice, straighten
My thinking cap and really tune into insights
Astutely highlighting deeper truths, which continue to
Brighten my conscious awareness concerning my need to
Name and tame the primary reason why each
Unexpected death arouses yesteryear's sense of terror, which
Having lurked within the subconsciously associative portion of
My inquisitive brain (beginning at the age of two and a half
With my grandfather's death several weeks prior to that of
My baby sister), catalyzes my basic instinct's primal fear of
Feeling left all alone (in a crowded room) to fend for myself
And knowing that my adult intelligence has gained an understanding
Of what causes intermittent episodes of PTSD to emerge and
High jack my connection to reasoning with clarity intact
I've chosen to muster the courage to name, tame and master
The latency of youth's most vulnerable fear (of being seen as
So unworthy of familial love as to feel cast out into
The cold, cruel world, all alone) before yesteryear's anxiety
Strikes so high, today, as to stimulate adrenaline to
Race through my bloodstream, depriving my brain of oxygen
Thus hutting down my think tank's ability to initiate calming
Conversations amongst me, myself and I ... and now that
I've come to understand which life experiences stimulate
Episodes of PTSD to hotwire a sudden panic attack
My deep thinking. self aware processor, which
Awakened, today, sensing primal need to self-sooth
An overwhelming sensation of emotion by way of
Penning this logical train of thought (an impossible feat for
A toddler's undeveloped think tank to achieve) gently wishes
My dear brother an untroubled, ever-lasting, deeply peaceful sleep ...
By waves of grief guiding me to write, my power of
Intuition, which is primal to human nature
Compelled me to soothe a sudden spike of
(Latent?) anxiety in hopes of relaxing
My heart muscle, which was painfully
Constricting thus limiting the oxygen intake that
Fuels my well-oiled brain to function clearly
And since reading previous posts calms
My naturally expressive emergence of emotionality
I found my processor adding insights to
Post 1469CC, because I could not fall back to
Sleep without soothing my primal fear of death
Hovering overhead, resembling Stranger Danger
Closing in after a phone call from Albuquerque
Woke us at 2AM ...
Will has already begun to soothe his primal grief, thus
Quelling his rising sense of anxiety by comforting
His heartfelt sadness with a deeper truth based in
Logic, concerning the fact that his brother, who'd
Felt quite unwell for much too long a spell, is
Now at peace ... Furthermore, my husband will
Express his natural emotional reactions in a way that
Differs from mine in that he'll escape into a restless sleep
While past experience suggests that sleep won't come to
Me until the latency of my (subconscious) fearful reaction to
The dark cloud of death hanging overhead has been tamed
Suggesting my need to confront anxiety concerning
The brevity of the circle of life intertwining with
The agony of yesteryear's personal loss, both of which
Will prove more easily controlled, currently, than
Would have been true had my intuitive powers not
Coaxed me to take iPad in hand and busy
My brain with proactively examining my inner life more
Conscientiously than had been possible until I'd chosen to open
My ears, turn up the volume on my intuitive voice, straighten
My thinking cap and really tune into insights
Astutely highlighting deeper truths, which continue to
Brighten my conscious awareness concerning my need to
Name and tame the primary reason why each
Unexpected death arouses yesteryear's sense of terror, which
Having lurked within the subconsciously associative portion of
My inquisitive brain (beginning at the age of two and a half
With my grandfather's death several weeks prior to that of
My baby sister), catalyzes my basic instinct's primal fear of
Feeling left all alone (in a crowded room) to fend for myself
And knowing that my adult intelligence has gained an understanding
Of what causes intermittent episodes of PTSD to emerge and
High jack my connection to reasoning with clarity intact
I've chosen to muster the courage to name, tame and master
The latency of youth's most vulnerable fear (of being seen as
So unworthy of familial love as to feel cast out into
The cold, cruel world, all alone) before yesteryear's anxiety
Strikes so high, today, as to stimulate adrenaline to
Race through my bloodstream, depriving my brain of oxygen
Thus hutting down my think tank's ability to initiate calming
Conversations amongst me, myself and I ... and now that
I've come to understand which life experiences stimulate
Episodes of PTSD to hotwire a sudden panic attack
My deep thinking. self aware processor, which
Awakened, today, sensing primal need to self-sooth
An overwhelming sensation of emotion by way of
Penning this logical train of thought (an impossible feat for
A toddler's undeveloped think tank to achieve) gently wishes
My dear brother an untroubled, ever-lasting, deeply peaceful sleep ...
Saturday, August 19, 2017
1469CC A PRIMARY FEAR SO TIMELESSLY TERRIFYING AS TO BE IN NEED OF NAMING AND TAMING
You and I (and children around the world, throughout history)
Experienced sound reason to grow toward adulthood
Harboring the same primary fear, though
To differing degrees depending upon the length of time that
We spent under the thumb of tempramental
Parental admonishment, which resulted in seeing ourselves
As so imperfect as to have felt unworthy of loving attentiveness
Bottom line, no one escapes childhood
Emotionally unscathed, meaning that
We all grow up harboring deep seated guilt, based
In this fact: The egocentric nature of our
Defense system is programmed to
Repress fears and worries that range so far beyond
The level of a child's comprehension as to
Be in need of consciously identifying once
We've grown to be adults, who, at some point in
Time, sense an inner need to reprocess
The most confounding aspects of experiences, which, having
Frightened us half to death, are still in need of healing so that
The deeply conflicted, seriously wounded portions of
Our self image can stop reeling from whatever
Stimulates re-current stabs of subconscious pain, which
Upon erupting, are directly related to
The over-reactive temperaments of authority figures who'd
Made us feel so unworthy of receiving their love as to have
Alerted a sweet child's defense system to erect fear-induced
Defensive blockades, which left in an unidentified state
Test the patience of those who love us so deeply and
Unconditionally as to naturally replenish today's
Heartfelt sense of generosity of spirit whenever hope for
Meaningful, empathetic reconnection begins to run dry
When Ravi and I are enjoying a play date and something
Scares my sweet two year old grand daughter, she
Instinctively runs to me as though by clinging to
My presence, her vulnerability feels assured that
While feeling welcomed to nestle under
The loving protection of my wing, her personal sense of
Safety will remain unharmed ... but what if
The thing that frightens Ravi most of all is my impatient
Show of explosive temper whenever her naturally
Independent spirit decides not to follow my lead ...
And what if ... each time Ravi loses her two year old
Temper. The egocentric nature of my temper (feeling
Instinctive need to dominate hers) intensifies my angry
Facial expressions, combative body language and
Voice tones so gruff as to spew negatively focused
Insults over her head thus catalyzing her feeling of
Internal despair as she believes herself to be
So bad as to be unworthy of my protective wing and
Loving guidance, or ... What if one parent roars like
An angry lion while the other ices her out as though
She doesn't even exist? Where does a small child go
For calm, consistency and gentle guidance, concerning
How best to develop an emotionally balanced sense of
Self discipline when neither parent's think tank has been
Trained to rein in defensive reactiveness so as to
Remain soothingly logical and lovingly engaged during
Trying times fraught with conflict resulting in
Smoothly resolving emotional turbulence before
Power struggles develop a life of their own, suggestive of
This fact: If no one at home models self-calming techniques
Cooperative behaviors and logical solution-seeking skills, all
Of which prove necessary to create a simplistic plan of
Action that accomplishes a mutually respectful sense of
Conflict resolution, which adult authority figures want
Children to embrace, then a strong spirited, sweet natured
Little girl, like Ravi, will mistakenly believe that
During moments fraught with naughtiness, she's so bad
As to be unworthy of love unless she agreeably submits to
Complying with everything authority figures tell her to
Do or say or feel or suppress. (Hmmm ...
Today's intuitive train of thought has just described that which
I'd subconsciously misconstrued as being true of
Myself, during the emotionally excruciating, mentally
Confounding, extended length of time that
Felt even longer than forever in the unbearably
Tension-filled aftermath of Janet's death when
Adults, grieving deeply, felt so painfully conflicted about
The shocking brevity of Janet's circle of life as to have
Had no patience, at all, with egocentric attitudes and
Age appropriate misbehaviors of a little girl, who'd
Overnight, felt as if an evil spell had been cast over
Her little corner of the world, extinguishing
Everyone's bright sense of joy as quickly as
Her high spirited, sunny disposition transformed from
Singing and dancing light-heartedly while cavorting
Merrily in the center ring, surrounded, protectively, by
Her extended family, which had previously
Expressed an adoring sense of delight in
Their dimpled darling's naturally charming
Repertoire of animated antics until
Thunderous storm clouds, pouring forth endless
Floods of emotional anguish, gathered so darkly as to
Shock us all senseless each time flashes of lightening
Bursting seemingly out of nowhere, lit
The night sky afire until my entire universe had
Burnt to a crisp, leaving a mentally confused
Fearfully troubled, sad and lonely three year old me to
Feel need to silence my strong spirited, self assertive
Voice during explosive moments fraught with conflict so
Terrifyingly real as to have created a new sense of
'Normal', which led to my unconscious
Emotional adoption of complacent and agreeable
Attitudes, based in my fearful need to
Smile on the surface and rock no boats in hopes of
Maintaining the peace while fending (and
Inadequately mending my inner sense of brokenness) for
Myself ... though if deeper truth be so bold as to
Voice the heightened degree of repressed anxiety buried
Inside, today's intuitive stream of consciousness would
Switch tracks, right now, to express how furiously
I'd scratched, night after night, exposing my inner life, which
Told of a whole other story that few had seen or heard in
Detail until I'd been coaxed to tune into and turn up
The volume on my intuitive readiness to reveal
(To myself) insights spotlighting the deeply
Conflicted reality that made up both sides of my nature by
Penning and posting and expanding (during the editing
Process) upon 'much' of what I truly feel within this blog, and
If you ask why my intuitive powers guided me to make use of
The word 'much', my reply would highlight this insight:
I still don't know as 'much' about my inner self as
My sense of clarity needs to know, because
After all I've contemplated, said and done
Insight, concerning my quest for deeper truth
Suggests that my defense system's latent anxiety
Remains as alive and reactive to stimuli as is true of yours
Though, as adults, we can't turn off our defense systems
Any more than children can, we live in today's world of
Self-help, suggestive of the fact that the conscious portion of
Our well-educated think tanks has the potential to muster
The patience, courage and humility that prove
Necessary to seek addition knowledge concerning
The complex functions of the human brain in relation to
Jumpstarting our natural potential to connect
More consistently with intuitive thought, which is
Self empowered to coax insight to spotlight
Each repressed fear that has been in need of
Squeezing itself out of subconscious storage through
Miniscule cracks in our walls of denial so as to
Enlighten our conscious state of awareness to grow so
Emboldened as to take calculated risks
(Leaps of faith) toward creating
Changes for the better by sifting through and dumping
Excess emotional baggage, which, in lieu of
Tapping into intuitive insight, will sadly remain beyond
Our comprehension to clearly fathom unless we choose to
Grow ever more knowledgeable about deeper truths that
Remain obscured within the complex inner workings of
Our think tanks, so ... though it's true that
We can't turn our defense systems off in hopes of
Lightening our load, we can rein in spiking anxiety by
Seeking to absorb (seek and he shall find) self soothing
Techniques so as to think logically, strategically, clearly
And creatively on the spot when spiking anxiety stuns
Everyone else's think tank to do no more than fight or
Flee or faint dead away ...BTW ... have I mentioned
My fainting spell, last week? And do you have
A clear understanding of what a fainting spell is?
PS My power of intuition compelled my conscious mind to
Add a string of insights to the beginning of post 1469C ...
Experienced sound reason to grow toward adulthood
Harboring the same primary fear, though
To differing degrees depending upon the length of time that
We spent under the thumb of tempramental
Parental admonishment, which resulted in seeing ourselves
As so imperfect as to have felt unworthy of loving attentiveness
Bottom line, no one escapes childhood
Emotionally unscathed, meaning that
We all grow up harboring deep seated guilt, based
In this fact: The egocentric nature of our
Defense system is programmed to
Repress fears and worries that range so far beyond
The level of a child's comprehension as to
Be in need of consciously identifying once
We've grown to be adults, who, at some point in
Time, sense an inner need to reprocess
The most confounding aspects of experiences, which, having
Frightened us half to death, are still in need of healing so that
The deeply conflicted, seriously wounded portions of
Our self image can stop reeling from whatever
Stimulates re-current stabs of subconscious pain, which
Upon erupting, are directly related to
The over-reactive temperaments of authority figures who'd
Made us feel so unworthy of receiving their love as to have
Alerted a sweet child's defense system to erect fear-induced
Defensive blockades, which left in an unidentified state
Test the patience of those who love us so deeply and
Unconditionally as to naturally replenish today's
Heartfelt sense of generosity of spirit whenever hope for
Meaningful, empathetic reconnection begins to run dry
When Ravi and I are enjoying a play date and something
Scares my sweet two year old grand daughter, she
Instinctively runs to me as though by clinging to
My presence, her vulnerability feels assured that
While feeling welcomed to nestle under
The loving protection of my wing, her personal sense of
Safety will remain unharmed ... but what if
The thing that frightens Ravi most of all is my impatient
Show of explosive temper whenever her naturally
Independent spirit decides not to follow my lead ...
And what if ... each time Ravi loses her two year old
Temper. The egocentric nature of my temper (feeling
Instinctive need to dominate hers) intensifies my angry
Facial expressions, combative body language and
Voice tones so gruff as to spew negatively focused
Insults over her head thus catalyzing her feeling of
Internal despair as she believes herself to be
So bad as to be unworthy of my protective wing and
Loving guidance, or ... What if one parent roars like
An angry lion while the other ices her out as though
She doesn't even exist? Where does a small child go
For calm, consistency and gentle guidance, concerning
How best to develop an emotionally balanced sense of
Self discipline when neither parent's think tank has been
Trained to rein in defensive reactiveness so as to
Remain soothingly logical and lovingly engaged during
Trying times fraught with conflict resulting in
Smoothly resolving emotional turbulence before
Power struggles develop a life of their own, suggestive of
This fact: If no one at home models self-calming techniques
Cooperative behaviors and logical solution-seeking skills, all
Of which prove necessary to create a simplistic plan of
Action that accomplishes a mutually respectful sense of
Conflict resolution, which adult authority figures want
Children to embrace, then a strong spirited, sweet natured
Little girl, like Ravi, will mistakenly believe that
During moments fraught with naughtiness, she's so bad
As to be unworthy of love unless she agreeably submits to
Complying with everything authority figures tell her to
Do or say or feel or suppress. (Hmmm ...
Today's intuitive train of thought has just described that which
I'd subconsciously misconstrued as being true of
Myself, during the emotionally excruciating, mentally
Confounding, extended length of time that
Felt even longer than forever in the unbearably
Tension-filled aftermath of Janet's death when
Adults, grieving deeply, felt so painfully conflicted about
The shocking brevity of Janet's circle of life as to have
Had no patience, at all, with egocentric attitudes and
Age appropriate misbehaviors of a little girl, who'd
Overnight, felt as if an evil spell had been cast over
Her little corner of the world, extinguishing
Everyone's bright sense of joy as quickly as
Her high spirited, sunny disposition transformed from
Singing and dancing light-heartedly while cavorting
Merrily in the center ring, surrounded, protectively, by
Her extended family, which had previously
Expressed an adoring sense of delight in
Their dimpled darling's naturally charming
Repertoire of animated antics until
Thunderous storm clouds, pouring forth endless
Floods of emotional anguish, gathered so darkly as to
Shock us all senseless each time flashes of lightening
Bursting seemingly out of nowhere, lit
The night sky afire until my entire universe had
Burnt to a crisp, leaving a mentally confused
Fearfully troubled, sad and lonely three year old me to
Feel need to silence my strong spirited, self assertive
Voice during explosive moments fraught with conflict so
Terrifyingly real as to have created a new sense of
'Normal', which led to my unconscious
Emotional adoption of complacent and agreeable
Attitudes, based in my fearful need to
Smile on the surface and rock no boats in hopes of
Maintaining the peace while fending (and
Inadequately mending my inner sense of brokenness) for
Myself ... though if deeper truth be so bold as to
Voice the heightened degree of repressed anxiety buried
Inside, today's intuitive stream of consciousness would
Switch tracks, right now, to express how furiously
I'd scratched, night after night, exposing my inner life, which
Told of a whole other story that few had seen or heard in
Detail until I'd been coaxed to tune into and turn up
The volume on my intuitive readiness to reveal
(To myself) insights spotlighting the deeply
Conflicted reality that made up both sides of my nature by
Penning and posting and expanding (during the editing
Process) upon 'much' of what I truly feel within this blog, and
If you ask why my intuitive powers guided me to make use of
The word 'much', my reply would highlight this insight:
I still don't know as 'much' about my inner self as
My sense of clarity needs to know, because
After all I've contemplated, said and done
Insight, concerning my quest for deeper truth
Suggests that my defense system's latent anxiety
Remains as alive and reactive to stimuli as is true of yours
Though, as adults, we can't turn off our defense systems
Any more than children can, we live in today's world of
Self-help, suggestive of the fact that the conscious portion of
Our well-educated think tanks has the potential to muster
The patience, courage and humility that prove
Necessary to seek addition knowledge concerning
The complex functions of the human brain in relation to
Jumpstarting our natural potential to connect
More consistently with intuitive thought, which is
Self empowered to coax insight to spotlight
Each repressed fear that has been in need of
Squeezing itself out of subconscious storage through
Miniscule cracks in our walls of denial so as to
Enlighten our conscious state of awareness to grow so
Emboldened as to take calculated risks
(Leaps of faith) toward creating
Changes for the better by sifting through and dumping
Excess emotional baggage, which, in lieu of
Tapping into intuitive insight, will sadly remain beyond
Our comprehension to clearly fathom unless we choose to
Grow ever more knowledgeable about deeper truths that
Remain obscured within the complex inner workings of
Our think tanks, so ... though it's true that
We can't turn our defense systems off in hopes of
Lightening our load, we can rein in spiking anxiety by
Seeking to absorb (seek and he shall find) self soothing
Techniques so as to think logically, strategically, clearly
And creatively on the spot when spiking anxiety stuns
Everyone else's think tank to do no more than fight or
Flee or faint dead away ...BTW ... have I mentioned
My fainting spell, last week? And do you have
A clear understanding of what a fainting spell is?
PS My power of intuition compelled my conscious mind to
Add a string of insights to the beginning of post 1469C ...
Thursday, August 17, 2017
1469C STYMIED NO MORE ... AT LEAST NOT RIGHT NOW
So ...
If you ask what makes the complex functions of
The human brain so confounding as to send our
Thought processors questing for deeper truth that
Hides within a head spinning maze of defensive
Reactions before clarity, concerning
What we fear most of all, can be gained then
I'd suggest that the answer to your question relates to
The way today's inner conflicts are complicated by
Yesteryear's issues which, having been left
Unidentified and resolved, reside so
Deeply within our subconscious as to
Tax the agility of our processors, which
Are charged with discerning between
The eruptive, hair trigger nature of
Childhood's latent inner conflicts vs today's
Inner conflicts that prove confoundingly
Irreconcilable because of this fact:
Acting on its own, our conscious minds
Can't tell when an eruption of yesteryear's
Unresolved inner conflict is causation for
Anxiety to heighten on top of a current
Strike of anxiety, based in new issues that
Are complicating the agility of your
Processors solution seeking acquity
And now you can see why my power of
Intuitive thought continues to reference
Mental complexities that arise throughout
Each stage of life that challenge closed
Mindsets to open and expand by way of
Consciously taking leaps of faith necessary
To embrace unexpected spurts of personal growth
Classically, anxiety (especially anxiety that spikes
So high as to stun the intelligent portion of the mind)
Stimulates defensive reactions, which spontaneously
Erect self protective walls of denial that separate
Conscious awareness from need to openly confront
Fears that prove so emotionslly complex as to overwhelm
Our processors natural ability to think smart on the spot
So in order to ensure that during moments of crises
Our processors continue to function in a calm and
Logical manner, the confounding nature of
An overwhelming fear is stuffed so deeply within
Subconscious storage as to momentarily soothe
The intensity of the brain's anxiety; however
Fears, which have been subconsciously repressed, remain
Buried alive in an unidentified state, meaning that
Fears so great as to overwhelm our think tanks'
Connection to logic reside inside our brains, wrapped
Within a defensive cocoon-like state of
Inactive dormancy with their potency intact, suggestive
Of this fact: As long as the confounding nature of
This unidentified fear exists in a dormant state, anxiety, which
Remains unnamed and thus untamed, will quietly haunt
The subconscious portion of our brains until something that
Feels overwhelmingly daunting about a current situation alerts
Yesteryear's haunting sensation of fearful confusion to
Actively assert its unnamed presence as an eruption of
Anxiety, which spikes so high as to catapult itself over
Your wall of denial (or mine), and when that's the case
Every spiking eruption of subconscious anxiety will
Cause our conscious minds to believe that
A current event is responsible for making us feel
So reprehensible as to have catalyzed today's
Searing sensation of fear or pain or guilt
And not until insight highlights deeper truth, concerning
Yesteryear's defensively repressed fear emerging from
Behind our walls of denial will latent strikes of
High anxiety stop acting like a stun gun, which
Paralyzes our think tanks, rendering our
Thought processors incapable of connecting with
Even so much as an inkling of logic, at all, and with
Today's string of insight spotlighting that deeper truth
Our conscious minds brighten with understanding
The main reason why our defense systems complicate
Our lives. And with that said, I can feel today's
Intuitive train of thought shining
The spotlight of insight upon this next deeper truth:
More often than not, spiking anxiety, which overwhelms
Our processors, today, is actually based in one terrifying
Childhood experience or another that was fraught with
Such personally confounding emotional complexity as to
Virtually remain fully responsible for sweeping our
Adult processors into the same hazy maze of
Swirling confusion that will threaten our sense of
Safety by staying hauntingly alive, unresolved and
Misunderstood until a detailed account of the main cause of
These latent strikes of high anxiety, emotional ambiguity and
Guilt are consciously comprehensibly clarified, once and for all
And with that intuitive insight, concerning straightening out
Swirls of emotionally combustible confusion, which
Remain poised to bite chunks out of our
Conscious sense of safety, today, you may now see why
A current experience that feels somewhat similar to
The original event that scared you half to death will
Stimulate the overwhelming nature of that
Unresolved fear (which proved far beyond
A young child's conscious comprehension) to leap
Out of subconscious storage, empowered to
Scare you half to death, again, and since you know that
I've researched the classic effects of subconscious fear on
A person's present state of mind, you can count on
My intuitive sense of hindsight to offer up the insight that
Shines a bright light upon my ability to name
The universal fear that is most often repressed when
A child's processor was too young and undeveloped to
Understand why emotional complexity, which had gotten
Explosively out of hand on the parts of our parents, proved
So far beyond the fledgling level of our comprehension that
We grew to adulthood harboring the same subconscious
Primary fear, though to differing degrees, depending upon
The length of time that we felt unworthy of love ...
If you ask what makes the complex functions of
The human brain so confounding as to send our
Thought processors questing for deeper truth that
Hides within a head spinning maze of defensive
Reactions before clarity, concerning
What we fear most of all, can be gained then
I'd suggest that the answer to your question relates to
The way today's inner conflicts are complicated by
Yesteryear's issues which, having been left
Unidentified and resolved, reside so
Deeply within our subconscious as to
Tax the agility of our processors, which
Are charged with discerning between
The eruptive, hair trigger nature of
Childhood's latent inner conflicts vs today's
Inner conflicts that prove confoundingly
Irreconcilable because of this fact:
Acting on its own, our conscious minds
Can't tell when an eruption of yesteryear's
Unresolved inner conflict is causation for
Anxiety to heighten on top of a current
Strike of anxiety, based in new issues that
Are complicating the agility of your
Processors solution seeking acquity
And now you can see why my power of
Intuitive thought continues to reference
Mental complexities that arise throughout
Each stage of life that challenge closed
Mindsets to open and expand by way of
Consciously taking leaps of faith necessary
To embrace unexpected spurts of personal growth
Classically, anxiety (especially anxiety that spikes
So high as to stun the intelligent portion of the mind)
Stimulates defensive reactions, which spontaneously
Erect self protective walls of denial that separate
Conscious awareness from need to openly confront
Fears that prove so emotionslly complex as to overwhelm
Our processors natural ability to think smart on the spot
So in order to ensure that during moments of crises
Our processors continue to function in a calm and
Logical manner, the confounding nature of
An overwhelming fear is stuffed so deeply within
Subconscious storage as to momentarily soothe
The intensity of the brain's anxiety; however
Fears, which have been subconsciously repressed, remain
Buried alive in an unidentified state, meaning that
Fears so great as to overwhelm our think tanks'
Connection to logic reside inside our brains, wrapped
Within a defensive cocoon-like state of
Inactive dormancy with their potency intact, suggestive
Of this fact: As long as the confounding nature of
This unidentified fear exists in a dormant state, anxiety, which
Remains unnamed and thus untamed, will quietly haunt
The subconscious portion of our brains until something that
Feels overwhelmingly daunting about a current situation alerts
Yesteryear's haunting sensation of fearful confusion to
Actively assert its unnamed presence as an eruption of
Anxiety, which spikes so high as to catapult itself over
Your wall of denial (or mine), and when that's the case
Every spiking eruption of subconscious anxiety will
Cause our conscious minds to believe that
A current event is responsible for making us feel
So reprehensible as to have catalyzed today's
Searing sensation of fear or pain or guilt
And not until insight highlights deeper truth, concerning
Yesteryear's defensively repressed fear emerging from
Behind our walls of denial will latent strikes of
High anxiety stop acting like a stun gun, which
Paralyzes our think tanks, rendering our
Thought processors incapable of connecting with
Even so much as an inkling of logic, at all, and with
Today's string of insight spotlighting that deeper truth
Our conscious minds brighten with understanding
The main reason why our defense systems complicate
Our lives. And with that said, I can feel today's
Intuitive train of thought shining
The spotlight of insight upon this next deeper truth:
More often than not, spiking anxiety, which overwhelms
Our processors, today, is actually based in one terrifying
Childhood experience or another that was fraught with
Such personally confounding emotional complexity as to
Virtually remain fully responsible for sweeping our
Adult processors into the same hazy maze of
Swirling confusion that will threaten our sense of
Safety by staying hauntingly alive, unresolved and
Misunderstood until a detailed account of the main cause of
These latent strikes of high anxiety, emotional ambiguity and
Guilt are consciously comprehensibly clarified, once and for all
And with that intuitive insight, concerning straightening out
Swirls of emotionally combustible confusion, which
Remain poised to bite chunks out of our
Conscious sense of safety, today, you may now see why
A current experience that feels somewhat similar to
The original event that scared you half to death will
Stimulate the overwhelming nature of that
Unresolved fear (which proved far beyond
A young child's conscious comprehension) to leap
Out of subconscious storage, empowered to
Scare you half to death, again, and since you know that
I've researched the classic effects of subconscious fear on
A person's present state of mind, you can count on
My intuitive sense of hindsight to offer up the insight that
Shines a bright light upon my ability to name
The universal fear that is most often repressed when
A child's processor was too young and undeveloped to
Understand why emotional complexity, which had gotten
Explosively out of hand on the parts of our parents, proved
So far beyond the fledgling level of our comprehension that
We grew to adulthood harboring the same subconscious
Primary fear, though to differing degrees, depending upon
The length of time that we felt unworthy of love ...
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
1469B STILL STYMIED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
I'm still stymied as to why my intuition drives my conscious mind
Toward penning post after post about positive focus ... unless
Hmmm ... just a sec ... well, lo and behold ... guess what
I feel bubbling up inside my head? Sparks of
Intuitive insight spotlighting my defense system's
Reason for keeping positivity in the forefront of my mind ...
Yup! Here it comes! My subconscious need to
Write of positivity, repeatedly, is directly related to
The fact that fear of a near and present danger, running rampant
Through our nation as well as throughout our entire world
Has catalyzed my defense system to wrap my think tank within
A cocoon made up of thoughts so positive as to proactively create
Self protective shell so crack resistant as to deny so much as
A shadow of (fear-based) negativity to dim my smile's sparkle, which
Remains utterly determined to shine forth from deep within
The sunny side of my soul ... and by now, it should come as
No surprise that freeing the fearful side of my nature to mess with
My spirit's self-empowered, re-balanced, natural sensation of
Deeply personal, light-hearted joy is a big time no-no for me!
BTW ... This morning, intuition awakened my think tank with need to
Expand upon yesterday's string of insights, which your processor can
Easily absorb if you choose to scroll back to post 1469A ... Ohhmmm
Toward penning post after post about positive focus ... unless
Hmmm ... just a sec ... well, lo and behold ... guess what
I feel bubbling up inside my head? Sparks of
Intuitive insight spotlighting my defense system's
Reason for keeping positivity in the forefront of my mind ...
Yup! Here it comes! My subconscious need to
Write of positivity, repeatedly, is directly related to
The fact that fear of a near and present danger, running rampant
Through our nation as well as throughout our entire world
Has catalyzed my defense system to wrap my think tank within
A cocoon made up of thoughts so positive as to proactively create
Self protective shell so crack resistant as to deny so much as
A shadow of (fear-based) negativity to dim my smile's sparkle, which
Remains utterly determined to shine forth from deep within
The sunny side of my soul ... and by now, it should come as
No surprise that freeing the fearful side of my nature to mess with
My spirit's self-empowered, re-balanced, natural sensation of
Deeply personal, light-hearted joy is a big time no-no for me!
Expand upon yesterday's string of insights, which your processor can
Easily absorb if you choose to scroll back to post 1469A ... Ohhmmm
Monday, August 14, 2017
1469A PRINCESS RAVI'S MAGIC WAND
So here's the sing-a-long song you'd hear me croon while
Princess Ravi waltzes round our living room, waving
Her 'madik' wand overhead:
Some day your prince will come, and
The love that connects one to the other will
Inspire your smarts and his to
Sit defensive reactions in the back seat of
The horse-drawn carriage that will transport
Your heartfelt connection toward
Strengthening as the future unfolds ...
And while singing, dancing and laughing with
My sweet natured grand daughter, guess what happens to
My dark side? The dark side of my spirit brightens so
Magically as to re-energize my belief that with
The right attitude anything's possible
And since light-hearted attitudes rekindle
My smile's sparkle, my inner sense of joy bubbles up
So naturally that you might ask me to name
The self empowering fuel which serves to disarm
My subconscious attitude of negativity in record time
And without so much as a moment's hesitation
My carefree mental stance would naturally reply:
The fuel that disarms negativity is positivity! Of course!
Then, I'd thank my power of intuition for, once again
Coaching my processor to string together
Bright lights of insight, which highlight
Mental confusion in need of simplification
By spotlighting file boxes filled with
Emotional complexity that my defense system
Represses from conscious awareness within
My subconscious warehouse, where fears
Left unresolved, can clearly be seen stacked on
Shelves inside my head, causing my inner strength of
Spirit to drag forth a dark sense of
Mental heaviness, based in my self disciplined need to
Dam up the danger of raging anger that secretly feels
So explosive as to darken my view of
The unknown, which lays in wait for us, one and all
Paraphrasing the cynical nature of Bernard Shaw
The rebellious nature of youth must push and pull
The older generation kicking and screaming into the future
Quoting the incorigably irrepressible Annie:
Adults whose spirits hope to frolic in
The fountain of youth as we age inspire
The imaginative portion of our brains to
Delight in time spent singing, dancing, laughing
And basking in sunny sensations of silliness just
Like the children we once were, and I've found
That blowing bubbles works wonders, too!
Princess Ravi waltzes round our living room, waving
Her 'madik' wand overhead:
Some day your prince will come, and
The love that connects one to the other will
Inspire your smarts and his to
Sit defensive reactions in the back seat of
The horse-drawn carriage that will transport
Your heartfelt connection toward
Strengthening as the future unfolds ...
And while singing, dancing and laughing with
My sweet natured grand daughter, guess what happens to
My dark side? The dark side of my spirit brightens so
Magically as to re-energize my belief that with
The right attitude anything's possible
And since light-hearted attitudes rekindle
My smile's sparkle, my inner sense of joy bubbles up
So naturally that you might ask me to name
The self empowering fuel which serves to disarm
My subconscious attitude of negativity in record time
And without so much as a moment's hesitation
My carefree mental stance would naturally reply:
The fuel that disarms negativity is positivity! Of course!
Then, I'd thank my power of intuition for, once again
Coaching my processor to string together
Bright lights of insight, which highlight
Mental confusion in need of simplification
By spotlighting file boxes filled with
Emotional complexity that my defense system
Represses from conscious awareness within
My subconscious warehouse, where fears
Left unresolved, can clearly be seen stacked on
Shelves inside my head, causing my inner strength of
Spirit to drag forth a dark sense of
Mental heaviness, based in my self disciplined need to
Dam up the danger of raging anger that secretly feels
So explosive as to darken my view of
The unknown, which lays in wait for us, one and all
Paraphrasing the cynical nature of Bernard Shaw
The rebellious nature of youth must push and pull
The older generation kicking and screaming into the future
Quoting the incorigably irrepressible Annie:
Adults whose spirits hope to frolic in
The fountain of youth as we age inspire
The imaginative portion of our brains to
Delight in time spent singing, dancing, laughing
And basking in sunny sensations of silliness just
Like the children we once were, and I've found
That blowing bubbles works wonders, too!
Sunday, August 13, 2017
1469 G and G and G
At the age of two
I danced around, like Ravi does
Day after day, singing:
I a princess
I a ballerina
I a cowboy
I Cindallela
I was whoever I chose to be until tension, crackling like lightening through dark clouds of grief, engulfed my little corner of the world within such a black hole of despair as to have hot-wired a precocious little girl's intuitive powers to go to great lengths to save my loved ones' spirits from succumbing to relentless rip tides of emotional pain; however it was not until recent years that Fate offered my self awareness reason to perceive that over my lifetime, my empathetic presence had called forth a heartfelt sense of inner strength, which proved more soothing to others than I'd consciously known ... And on the flip side of that coin, I'd also remained blind to this deeper truth: Having been taught to draw forth my smile to act as my umbrella whenever my spirit felt need to grieve over my loss of a loved one served to deepen my sense of inner conflict by separating my personal pain from my conscious attitude, which defied reality by clinging so bravely to positive focus as to suppress oceans of tears, left unshed, collecting in the subconscious portion of my brain until something would stir my inner turbulence of repressed grief, which was bound to swell, swirl and pour out so as to reveal powerful waves of angst, which, upon crashing through my wall of denial, drowned my life force of every last drop of energy, leaving my spirit, sans sparkle, feeling so gravely bereft of life sustaining sunshine as to suggest why eventually, my smile, like that of The Cheshire Cat, languished alone midair until every last drop of joy had been drained dry, suggesting that at times when hope (for change for the better) feels utterly beaten, tis wise to remind oneself that cats have nine lives!
Before the age of three
I was not meant to seek relief from anxiety (itching under my skin) by scratching at night while, day after day, I'd drifted dispiritedly from one loved one's confounded frown to another. And being as egocentric as small children are known to be, I'd ask myself, what did I do that was so terrible as to cause my family to lose their smiles ... maybe forever ... (and as the limited vocabularies of small children have not yet developed the mental ability to think complicated thoughts ...
After the age of three
My survival instinct kicked in, jumpstarting my intuitive need to leap over the classic nature of early childhood's egocentric development in order to subconsciously appoint myself The Family Fixer after fear of emotional abandonment had planted that ambitious 'plan' within the repressed portion of a precocious preschooler's brain at a time when not one adult think tank could conjure up a magic wand so powerful as to banish dark clouds of sorrow, which had descended over our kingdom, once our precious baby could not be awakened from her nap, and as no magical fairy or charming prince, cantering upon a prancing white steed, appeared to rescue any of our dragging spirits from this tragic spell that extended over many months, and as nothing I did could lift the gloom resultant of my family's relentless agony, today's intuitive stream of consciousness offers us this string of insights to spotlight why an imaginative child's innate power of imaginative association breathed life into stories highlighting Cinderella's heartfelt kindness, The Ugly Duckling's self demeaning loneliness, Sleeping Beauty's awakening to love's first kiss, and most especially, Snow White, who like Eve, had need to bite into an apple before awakening to the knowledge that after her Rip Van Winkle-like sleep, she had many lessons to learn concerning personal need to muster the courage to empower her voice with a self confident sense of assertiveness, thus ensuring that she'd not look back some day to see that her deeply buried, subconscious sense of terror had denied her the freedom to live life to the fullest, and once that truth filtered into my conscious awareness, I saw need to embrace the humility necessary to identify and nip my self defeating attitude in the bud, thus rescuing my diminished sense of self worth from denying my lovability so defensively as to free my conscious mind to switch tracks from self disparagement, which deemed me unlovable toward absorbing love flowing toward me as joyfully as my sincerity offered love, openly, thus disempowering my self defeating pattern of self protection from provoking misunderstandings based in my survival instinct's need to pitch curve balls that dizzied the head of the most self assured batter, who'd stepped up to the plate, hoping to connect, only to strike out and return to the dugout, scratching his head ... And that dilemma begs the answer to a question, which, has dizzied my smarts, catalyzing my conscious awareness to feel stymied, concerning my subconscious need to embrace one of three roles:
Am I a character in my life story in need of saving?
Or
Am I the voice-over narrator?
Or
Am I the main character whose valiant sense of courage had gained the lovestruck strength necessary to break the wicked spell that the fickle finger of Fate had cast over my mind, catalyzing my belief that I am responsible for saving every person whose inner sense of loneliness chances to intersect with mine, like the year when I invited a random stranger to Thanksgiving dinner, or the time when a stranded damsel in distress, whom I'd met by chance at our airport, was welcomed as a houseguest for three days while everyone who knew me shook their heads, rolled their eyes and laughed aloud as if to say ... there she goes again, saving the world, singlehandedly ... and though the brevity of those anecdotes describes the empathetic nature of my spirit, let's be reminded of the anxious side of my mind, which had laid in wait for the other shoe to drop as if by dropping my guard, I'd feel as abandoned and lonely as had been true before my third birthday, which corresponds to our precocious Ravi's age, today, bringing to mind our sweet, strong spirited little girl, whose active imagination literally knows no bounds as she stands before us in her princess gown, waving her 'madik' wand over our heads right before offering sweet kisses that soothe our boo boos away just as our kisses soothe hers ...
Interesting isn't it that the word grave slipped ever so
Quietly into today's train of thought, early on, as though
Many months of grief, deepening ever more tragically by
The undeserved guilt heaped upon my mother's
Anguished spirit in the immediate aftermath of Janet's
Inexplicable demise made all the difference, concerning
The choices I've made over most of my life until such time
As my magical mind and irrepressible strength of spirit
Collapsed into a state of utter exhaustion, and having
Known how much my spirited sense of humor had
Loved to laugh and learn. Fondle and tickle, tease and frolic
You can see why every atom that had multiplied to
Reshape a sweet child into a woman named Annie felt
Utterly compelled to spotlight the main source of my
Inner torment, and unless you're new to my blog
You pretty much know how I grew from a frightened
(Yet strong spirited) child, whose conjoined fears of
Death, emotional abandonment and bullying mean-
Mindedness had silenced the assertive side of
My voice from rocking boats until recent
Growth spurts, spurred by love, inspired
My newly inspired sense of wholeness to take
Self respecting leaps of faith, offering
My adult connection to emotional intelligence reason to
Develop today's matured sense of self assured readiness to
Work single-mindedly toward restructuring
A refortified sense of my diminished self worth by
Discharging myself from self imposed guilt, which had
Made me feel personally accountable for ensuring
My adult family's connection to safety, and now
Having freed my creative center to expand
My sense of choice to conscientiously refocus
My mind's eye toward conjuring up
'Fix-It' plans (similar to those which had proved so
Successful as to have inspired my sons to develop
Existential voices of their own) my personal sense of
Success in that challenging arena has inspired my
Intuitive sense of self awareness to conjure up
Three step plans to tame my own subconscious bouts of
Anxiety by shoring up an inner sense of self disciplined
Mental serenity most especially at times when
My loved ones seem to have more screws loose in
Their heads than my intuitive sense of deeper truth
Suggests is true of me, and in hopes of setting
Undeserved guilt aside so I can think straight while
My heart remains connected with loved ones, who
Prove so reactive as to spiral their defensive angst
(As quickly as our Dreydls spin when
Chanukah rolls round) directly at me, my intuitive
Self awareness must coach my conscious mind's
Proactive connection to positively focused change to
Maintain the patience necessary to relax my anxiety before
My spirit runs out of gas, causing my brainstorming
Solution-seeking plans to fall short of success, and
Thus do we come to see why my intuitive powers felt
Need to coach my conscious awareness to invite the word
Grave to make a cameo appearance in today's
Post, highlighting my need to grieve and bury, not
Hope, but rather my subconscious attitude of
Negativity, which, has waited for the other shoe to
Drop, serving to undermine my strength of
Spirit, which, if deeper truth be so bold as to
Speak aloud today, would charge my wholesome
Sense of inner strength with feeling as positively focused as is humanly possible for a person with an ego, a defense system and a survival instinct homesteading inside my head, and thus do we come to see my need to remind myself with greater frequency that no one can stoke a reactive brain to feel perpetually happy, hopeful, creative, serene, courageous, positively focused and high spirited most especially when the powers of leadership turn blind eyes and deaf ears to the thunderous footbeat of fears running rampant throughout our entire world, today, and though this is not an up note upon which to end today's post, tis time to rest the intuitive wand inside my head that taps into the mindful magical majesty of memory, which conjoins proactively with the creative center that exists within every human brain, for this reason: Tis time for my personal sense of happiness to emerge, inspiring my serious mindset to switch tracks from reflecting soulfully about emotional reactiveness, which connects Graves and Grief with undeserved Guilt and Grave, in favor of proactively embracing today's heartfelt sense of eagerness born of the fact that I'm about to ready my carriage to fetch Princess Ravi, whose happy spirit feels as eager to enjoy today's mutually enriching play date as is true of mine
I danced around, like Ravi does
Day after day, singing:
I a princess
I a ballerina
I a cowboy
I Cindallela
I was whoever I chose to be until tension, crackling like lightening through dark clouds of grief, engulfed my little corner of the world within such a black hole of despair as to have hot-wired a precocious little girl's intuitive powers to go to great lengths to save my loved ones' spirits from succumbing to relentless rip tides of emotional pain; however it was not until recent years that Fate offered my self awareness reason to perceive that over my lifetime, my empathetic presence had called forth a heartfelt sense of inner strength, which proved more soothing to others than I'd consciously known ... And on the flip side of that coin, I'd also remained blind to this deeper truth: Having been taught to draw forth my smile to act as my umbrella whenever my spirit felt need to grieve over my loss of a loved one served to deepen my sense of inner conflict by separating my personal pain from my conscious attitude, which defied reality by clinging so bravely to positive focus as to suppress oceans of tears, left unshed, collecting in the subconscious portion of my brain until something would stir my inner turbulence of repressed grief, which was bound to swell, swirl and pour out so as to reveal powerful waves of angst, which, upon crashing through my wall of denial, drowned my life force of every last drop of energy, leaving my spirit, sans sparkle, feeling so gravely bereft of life sustaining sunshine as to suggest why eventually, my smile, like that of The Cheshire Cat, languished alone midair until every last drop of joy had been drained dry, suggesting that at times when hope (for change for the better) feels utterly beaten, tis wise to remind oneself that cats have nine lives!
Before the age of three
I was not meant to seek relief from anxiety (itching under my skin) by scratching at night while, day after day, I'd drifted dispiritedly from one loved one's confounded frown to another. And being as egocentric as small children are known to be, I'd ask myself, what did I do that was so terrible as to cause my family to lose their smiles ... maybe forever ... (and as the limited vocabularies of small children have not yet developed the mental ability to think complicated thoughts ...
After the age of three
My survival instinct kicked in, jumpstarting my intuitive need to leap over the classic nature of early childhood's egocentric development in order to subconsciously appoint myself The Family Fixer after fear of emotional abandonment had planted that ambitious 'plan' within the repressed portion of a precocious preschooler's brain at a time when not one adult think tank could conjure up a magic wand so powerful as to banish dark clouds of sorrow, which had descended over our kingdom, once our precious baby could not be awakened from her nap, and as no magical fairy or charming prince, cantering upon a prancing white steed, appeared to rescue any of our dragging spirits from this tragic spell that extended over many months, and as nothing I did could lift the gloom resultant of my family's relentless agony, today's intuitive stream of consciousness offers us this string of insights to spotlight why an imaginative child's innate power of imaginative association breathed life into stories highlighting Cinderella's heartfelt kindness, The Ugly Duckling's self demeaning loneliness, Sleeping Beauty's awakening to love's first kiss, and most especially, Snow White, who like Eve, had need to bite into an apple before awakening to the knowledge that after her Rip Van Winkle-like sleep, she had many lessons to learn concerning personal need to muster the courage to empower her voice with a self confident sense of assertiveness, thus ensuring that she'd not look back some day to see that her deeply buried, subconscious sense of terror had denied her the freedom to live life to the fullest, and once that truth filtered into my conscious awareness, I saw need to embrace the humility necessary to identify and nip my self defeating attitude in the bud, thus rescuing my diminished sense of self worth from denying my lovability so defensively as to free my conscious mind to switch tracks from self disparagement, which deemed me unlovable toward absorbing love flowing toward me as joyfully as my sincerity offered love, openly, thus disempowering my self defeating pattern of self protection from provoking misunderstandings based in my survival instinct's need to pitch curve balls that dizzied the head of the most self assured batter, who'd stepped up to the plate, hoping to connect, only to strike out and return to the dugout, scratching his head ... And that dilemma begs the answer to a question, which, has dizzied my smarts, catalyzing my conscious awareness to feel stymied, concerning my subconscious need to embrace one of three roles:
Am I a character in my life story in need of saving?
Or
Am I the voice-over narrator?
Or
Am I the main character whose valiant sense of courage had gained the lovestruck strength necessary to break the wicked spell that the fickle finger of Fate had cast over my mind, catalyzing my belief that I am responsible for saving every person whose inner sense of loneliness chances to intersect with mine, like the year when I invited a random stranger to Thanksgiving dinner, or the time when a stranded damsel in distress, whom I'd met by chance at our airport, was welcomed as a houseguest for three days while everyone who knew me shook their heads, rolled their eyes and laughed aloud as if to say ... there she goes again, saving the world, singlehandedly ... and though the brevity of those anecdotes describes the empathetic nature of my spirit, let's be reminded of the anxious side of my mind, which had laid in wait for the other shoe to drop as if by dropping my guard, I'd feel as abandoned and lonely as had been true before my third birthday, which corresponds to our precocious Ravi's age, today, bringing to mind our sweet, strong spirited little girl, whose active imagination literally knows no bounds as she stands before us in her princess gown, waving her 'madik' wand over our heads right before offering sweet kisses that soothe our boo boos away just as our kisses soothe hers ...
Interesting isn't it that the word grave slipped ever so
Quietly into today's train of thought, early on, as though
Many months of grief, deepening ever more tragically by
The undeserved guilt heaped upon my mother's
Anguished spirit in the immediate aftermath of Janet's
Inexplicable demise made all the difference, concerning
The choices I've made over most of my life until such time
As my magical mind and irrepressible strength of spirit
Collapsed into a state of utter exhaustion, and having
Known how much my spirited sense of humor had
Loved to laugh and learn. Fondle and tickle, tease and frolic
You can see why every atom that had multiplied to
Reshape a sweet child into a woman named Annie felt
Utterly compelled to spotlight the main source of my
Inner torment, and unless you're new to my blog
You pretty much know how I grew from a frightened
(Yet strong spirited) child, whose conjoined fears of
Death, emotional abandonment and bullying mean-
Mindedness had silenced the assertive side of
My voice from rocking boats until recent
Growth spurts, spurred by love, inspired
My newly inspired sense of wholeness to take
Self respecting leaps of faith, offering
My adult connection to emotional intelligence reason to
Develop today's matured sense of self assured readiness to
Work single-mindedly toward restructuring
A refortified sense of my diminished self worth by
Discharging myself from self imposed guilt, which had
Made me feel personally accountable for ensuring
My adult family's connection to safety, and now
Having freed my creative center to expand
My sense of choice to conscientiously refocus
My mind's eye toward conjuring up
'Fix-It' plans (similar to those which had proved so
Successful as to have inspired my sons to develop
Existential voices of their own) my personal sense of
Success in that challenging arena has inspired my
Intuitive sense of self awareness to conjure up
Three step plans to tame my own subconscious bouts of
Anxiety by shoring up an inner sense of self disciplined
Mental serenity most especially at times when
My loved ones seem to have more screws loose in
Their heads than my intuitive sense of deeper truth
Suggests is true of me, and in hopes of setting
Undeserved guilt aside so I can think straight while
My heart remains connected with loved ones, who
Prove so reactive as to spiral their defensive angst
(As quickly as our Dreydls spin when
Chanukah rolls round) directly at me, my intuitive
Self awareness must coach my conscious mind's
Proactive connection to positively focused change to
Maintain the patience necessary to relax my anxiety before
My spirit runs out of gas, causing my brainstorming
Solution-seeking plans to fall short of success, and
Thus do we come to see why my intuitive powers felt
Need to coach my conscious awareness to invite the word
Grave to make a cameo appearance in today's
Post, highlighting my need to grieve and bury, not
Hope, but rather my subconscious attitude of
Negativity, which, has waited for the other shoe to
Drop, serving to undermine my strength of
Spirit, which, if deeper truth be so bold as to
Speak aloud today, would charge my wholesome
Sense of inner strength with feeling as positively focused as is humanly possible for a person with an ego, a defense system and a survival instinct homesteading inside my head, and thus do we come to see my need to remind myself with greater frequency that no one can stoke a reactive brain to feel perpetually happy, hopeful, creative, serene, courageous, positively focused and high spirited most especially when the powers of leadership turn blind eyes and deaf ears to the thunderous footbeat of fears running rampant throughout our entire world, today, and though this is not an up note upon which to end today's post, tis time to rest the intuitive wand inside my head that taps into the mindful magical majesty of memory, which conjoins proactively with the creative center that exists within every human brain, for this reason: Tis time for my personal sense of happiness to emerge, inspiring my serious mindset to switch tracks from reflecting soulfully about emotional reactiveness, which connects Graves and Grief with undeserved Guilt and Grave, in favor of proactively embracing today's heartfelt sense of eagerness born of the fact that I'm about to ready my carriage to fetch Princess Ravi, whose happy spirit feels as eager to enjoy today's mutually enriching play date as is true of mine
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