My mother had no more conscious clue of this rule of thumb, which sustained the stability of our relationship until my father's death, than had I: In the aftermath of Janet's death, my mother came to expect the same sweet natured smile of submission from me as that which she'd grown accustomed to gifting her mother, conveying a devoted child's unspoken 'vow' of bowing in reverential respect to the reigning powers of a beloved parent's higher authority.
Oy. The inherent problem with that unconscious vow is this:
Emotionally well balanced children grow up to be adults, whose
Good health depends upon fortifying mind and spirit with
Self respecting self esteem, which, for sound reason, grows
Ever more uniquely and independently self confident and
Thus, less submissive to parental domination, as we age.
Presently, with the clarity of hindsight in plain sight, I can see why
My mother did not have so much as a conscious clue of today's
Primary insight, which has become crystal clear to me:
Whereas my mother's mother (who'd lived with us) had been
Overtly aggressive (even rageful) on the rare occasions when her
Only daughter had mustered the courage to speak her mind aloud
My warm hearted mother had unknowingly resorted to
Passive aggressive words and actions on those rare occasions when
She was unable to bend my will to match her own until I'd felt guilted
With such subtlety as to have ignited my subconscious fear of her frown
In the aftermath of our family's double tragedy (Grandpa and Janet)
My spirit's sweet smile of submission had not sustained only
My relationship with my mother for this reason: My spirit's
Stunted need to grow ever more independent in thought and action had
Unknowingly bowed submissively to my father's will, as well, so
There's no question concerning which lifelong pattern of
Subconscious emotional baggage I'd glibly, naively and complacently
Stuffed into our bedroom closet after vowing
Before family, friends and clergy, to commit my life to
Loving, honoring and respectfully obeying Will's every wish as my
Command without ever thinking to ask why my brand new husband
Had been culturally groomed to cherish his bride but obey only himself
When, during the sixties, The Pill offered young, single women
Reason to radically change the name of the game from
Mindless Self-abasing Respect For Men to Man-Bashing before
Transitioning toward a more rational sense of consciousness raising
Concerning societal need of men and women to favor
A Mindful (Mutually Advantageous) Sense of Self Awareness in
Hopes that by switching tracks away from this war of wills in favor of
Embracing a mutually respectful sense of peaceful co-existence
Both sides would benefit, immeasurably, is there any question as to
Why I, decades later, pulled my head out of the sand and began to
Pen a blog in which posts repeatedly reference:
The calm before each storm ...
''Tis darkest before each insight-driven dawn ...
With change for the better, the sun will come out tomorrow ...
I mean, retrospectively, the evolutionary nature of my having
Blended my personal and professional lives makes perfect sense
In short, while The Women's Liberation Movement was toppling
Every traditional aspect of society's hierarchy, concerning
Complacency's acceptance of each person's 'proper' place on
The food chain, I was making my way through my twenties with
A bag over my head, and that fact proved most especially true
During the initial bra burning stages of the sexual revolution, at
Which time I'd had no conscious clue of how many
Untidy layers of subconsciously repressed anger had been
Stuffed behind my acquiescent persona's wall of denial
Seriously, so blindly had I grown accustomed to society's instruction to
Muzzle and short leash my spirit's existential need to think for myself
That thoughts of liberating my voice of self-expression as freely as
Men and women had offered a piece of their minds to me had never
Entered my conscious awareness ... in fact, all sense of
My fury at anyone who'd bullied me into submission had been
So completely repressed as to have numbed my inner need
To speak my mind to this extent: I could not feel the layers of
Anger, stacking up, subconsciously, had I'd tried, and if you ask how
I know this to be true, I'd reply: My therapist and I have been working
Toward releasing my basic instinct to freely express
Each layer of severely repressed anger for years.
When, at first, my power of intuition awakened me to take iPad
In hand and begin penning today's post at five AM, I'd not an iota of
A conscious clue as to why one word was leading to the next until
Today's train of thought served to brighten my present state of
Awareness by shining insight's spotlight over not one but
Two primary reasons, which had caused me to blindly adhere to
The path where my innate need to develop my voice had remained
Submissively repressed after family tragedy and societal pressures
Had woven so tightly together that intuitive thought had need to
Hunker down for quite a while before my think tank could
Clearly differentiate between Reason #1 and Reason #2, thus
Affording my conscious awareness time to process and absorb
Each succeeding line of reasoning, separately, before
I fly to the Midwest where, over my lifetime
My birth family's on-going clash of wills had
Rendered my thought processor so deeply conflicted as to have
Stressed my think tank to such an extent as to have, eventually
Overtaxed my heart, which, as you may remember, had reason to
Experience cardiac distress when I'd spent time in
My home town, last year, and the fact that I'll soon
Return to that negatively focused scene suggests why
You and I are presently witnessing my emotionally matured
Self respecting power of intuition cautioning my conscious
Sense of awareness to remain alert to my existential need to
Maintain a deepening sense of inner balance between
Emotion and logic in order to sustain today's elevated level of
Good health, which I've been working, steadily, to absorb into
The epicenter of my core, and with thoughts of reminding
My personal strengths to line up, attentively, at the forefront of
My conscious mind, perhaps (as proved true of the CUBBIES)
I'll listen more intently than had ever been possible to specific
Parent tapes that direct the sum of my strengths to
Dance in tune to the music of my very own drummer in hopes of
Inspiring my thought processor to master Rocky's positive
Attitude of mental self control, for this reason:
Each time my spirit feels challenged to demurely submit to
The will of an alpha personality, as had proved true in the past
The stabilizing factor of my heart functions will be able to
Rely upon my existential strengths, which reflect today's
Rebalanced, relaxed level of self-respecting, self confident
Mindfulness rather than spiraling back to racing round
Yesteryear's subconsciously fearful track to
The riotous, disharmonic, life threatening tune of Takotasubo
Hmmm ... guess it's safe to say that, over these past several years of
Mindful reflection, I have learned a thing or two from the champ, after all!
Woo Hoo! So, what'ja think of those CUBBIES will to persevere, last night!
Gotta admire their determination, skill and tenacious, never give up attitude
Right? RIGHT!
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