Grief ran so deep throughout my extended family that I, being as egocentric as
Proves true of most three year olds, misperceived my imperfections as
Being responsible for everyone's long-lasting frowns to the point that if
A frown so much as caught my eye, I got to feeling so guilty of
Who-knows-what as to have condemned myself worthless each time I couldn't
Coax a sunny smile from anyone I loved as had been my M.O. before
The shocking 'disappearances' of two loved ones scared everyone in
My extended family, including me, half out of our wits, and as
I'd trashed myself for failing to live up to my own unrealistic expectations of
My extended family, including me, half out of our wits, and as
I'd trashed myself for failing to live up to my own unrealistic expectations of
Being empowered to transform storm clouds, hanging over our heads, into
Sunny smiles that would have shone beams of warmth in
My direction as had been true before our little corner of the world
Had grown dauntingly dark, over night, I'd unconsciously devalue myself in increasing
Increments, day after day, week after week, month after month, alerting
My defense system to call upon denial to save the traumatized portion of
Increments, day after day, week after week, month after month, alerting
My defense system to call upon denial to save the traumatized portion of
My think tank from digging itself into a black hole so deep as to never be able
To hear intuition whispering of my need to grow aware of the fact that, with
The passage of years, I'd gained the mental strengths necessary to heal the wounds of
My self image by consciously choosing the road less taken, where, rather than feeling
Safe by blending in, I'd begin to shock everyone who'd thought to know me
Well by making waves and standing up to assert myself no matter how many
Raised eyebrows, cast in my direction, signaled my anxiety to spike, suggesting
That, over my entire life, deeper truth had been trying to tell me that nothing was
As dangerous as the fact that I'd spent so many years blind to this darkly colored
Behavioral pattern, imprinted into the wounded portion of my think tank:
Smile by day, scratch and cry, silently, by night, thinking to know what's wrong while
Deeper truth suggests that I'd had no clue, what-so-ever, of having harbored a host of
Deeper truth suggests that I'd had no clue, what-so-ever, of having harbored a host of
Inter-related issues, associated with 'fear of failing to please', which intensified as
Each stage of life led into the next, reinforcing my primary fear of
Feeling emotionally abandoned by loved ones unless I acted as if
Their every wish was my pleasure to fulfill, and since I'd unknowingly
Developed a persona that had consistently responded in an agreeable manner so as
To fend off the subconscious threat of abandonment from coming true, my self-
Feeling emotionally abandoned by loved ones unless I acted as if
Their every wish was my pleasure to fulfill, and since I'd unknowingly
Developed a persona that had consistently responded in an agreeable manner so as
To fend off the subconscious threat of abandonment from coming true, my self-
Fulfilling prophecy did come true for this reason: Loved ones came to expect
That their needs would be met with consistency, because my attitude of
Genial servitude proved so convincing to one and all, inclusive of
The conscious portion of my mind that there was no reason for anyone to
Question whether my personal needs had gone unmet, and since none of us
Was aware of participating in this unbalanced pattern, we all remained blind to
That their needs would be met with consistency, because my attitude of
Genial servitude proved so convincing to one and all, inclusive of
The conscious portion of my mind that there was no reason for anyone to
Question whether my personal needs had gone unmet, and since none of us
Was aware of participating in this unbalanced pattern, we all remained blind to
This change-not-for-the-better that was born when Janet died ... And as
Experience suggests that each string of insights leads to the next, you'd be
Right to assume that today's intuitive train of thought is about to clarify
The reason why my defense system decided to stuff my unmet needs behind
Denial's eager-to-please smile, thus secreting my lifelong fear of
Experience suggests that each string of insights leads to the next, you'd be
Right to assume that today's intuitive train of thought is about to clarify
The reason why my defense system decided to stuff my unmet needs behind
Denial's eager-to-please smile, thus secreting my lifelong fear of
Emotional rejection within an attitude of subservient complacency that
Offered me a false sense of personal safety, which conflicted with
My spunky spirit's natural bent toward self assertive leadership, and
Thus did a power struggle between self motivated leadership and
Congenial subservience create a great devide within my mind for
The greater part of my life ... for example ...
Let's say that during my teen years, I'd spy a guy to whom I'd felt
Offered me a false sense of personal safety, which conflicted with
My spunky spirit's natural bent toward self assertive leadership, and
Thus did a power struggle between self motivated leadership and
Congenial subservience create a great devide within my mind for
The greater part of my life ... for example ...
Let's say that during my teen years, I'd spy a guy to whom I'd felt
Magnetically attracted, giving me the eye, which, while exciting
My budding libido, startled my negatively focused self assessment into
Triggering fear of rejection to flare, transforming excitement into
Spiking anxiety, as if a near and present danger was closing in, suggestive
Of this fact: Not until I came to understand the highly complex
Interactive functions of the human brain would I realize the importance of
Growing ever more attentive to those times when intuitive thought is
Working overtime to awaken my conscious awareness of need to
Identify emotional combustion as my brain's way of signaling my
Intelligence to set out on a quest for self discovery, at which time
I began to collect clues, concerning unidentified fears, and as, eventually
Those clues offered my conscious mind insights that spotlighted
Bigger pictures, I found myself empowered to single out
The early childhood experience that had swept my self image so far
From center as to have swirled my sense of clarity away from
Early childhood's positively focused path so suddenly as to have
Dizzied my undeveloped sense of self to grab onto a negatively focused
Path where a lifetime of unconscious confusion, based in inner conflict
Had repeatedly alerted my defensive shield to arise and manifest as
Physical tension so quickly as to feel need to lower my lashes and
Cover my eyes, as though spiking anxiety had served as my
Comfort zone's warning signal to slam on the brakes so as to stop
My libido's desire from over heating before I'd run a red light and
Crash straight through the safe haven that platonic friendship provided
Suggesting why I'd felt free to enjoy time spent with guys as
My budding libido, startled my negatively focused self assessment into
Triggering fear of rejection to flare, transforming excitement into
Spiking anxiety, as if a near and present danger was closing in, suggestive
Of this fact: Not until I came to understand the highly complex
Interactive functions of the human brain would I realize the importance of
Growing ever more attentive to those times when intuitive thought is
Working overtime to awaken my conscious awareness of need to
Identify emotional combustion as my brain's way of signaling my
Intelligence to set out on a quest for self discovery, at which time
I began to collect clues, concerning unidentified fears, and as, eventually
Those clues offered my conscious mind insights that spotlighted
Bigger pictures, I found myself empowered to single out
The early childhood experience that had swept my self image so far
From center as to have swirled my sense of clarity away from
Early childhood's positively focused path so suddenly as to have
Dizzied my undeveloped sense of self to grab onto a negatively focused
Path where a lifetime of unconscious confusion, based in inner conflict
Had repeatedly alerted my defensive shield to arise and manifest as
Physical tension so quickly as to feel need to lower my lashes and
Cover my eyes, as though spiking anxiety had served as my
Comfort zone's warning signal to slam on the brakes so as to stop
My libido's desire from over heating before I'd run a red light and
Crash straight through the safe haven that platonic friendship provided
Suggesting why I'd felt free to enjoy time spent with guys as
Long as they did not make moves on me; otherwise, whatever natural flame
I may have nurtured, secretly, would flash freeze into an icicle so pointed and
Chilly as to have pricked the hopes of any guy who'd thought to pull
My body against his own other than to dance in time with the music, playing
In A low lighted room where so many couples were seen swaying hip to hip as to
I may have nurtured, secretly, would flash freeze into an icicle so pointed and
Chilly as to have pricked the hopes of any guy who'd thought to pull
My body against his own other than to dance in time with the music, playing
In A low lighted room where so many couples were seen swaying hip to hip as to
Ease the fragile state of my emotional safety ... In fact, each time a guy
So much as sauntered across a crowded room, eyes locking into mine
My veil of invisibility dropped so suddenly as to set my heart aflutter at
Having been singled out, suggesting that rather than feeling flattered
Confusion recreated a sense of inner conflict that tapped into
My negatively focused self image, which had historically hijacked
My sense of clarity, leaving me feeling as dizzily flustered as had been
True when I was repeatedly terrified by a bus load of bullies, so that
Receiving so much as a hint of a compliment flustered my mind For
This reason: My agility to absorb positive comments, gracefully, had remained
So much as sauntered across a crowded room, eyes locking into mine
My veil of invisibility dropped so suddenly as to set my heart aflutter at
Having been singled out, suggesting that rather than feeling flattered
Confusion recreated a sense of inner conflict that tapped into
My negatively focused self image, which had historically hijacked
My sense of clarity, leaving me feeling as dizzily flustered as had been
True when I was repeatedly terrified by a bus load of bullies, so that
Receiving so much as a hint of a compliment flustered my mind For
This reason: My agility to absorb positive comments, gracefully, had remained
Non-existent ever since I was twelve, and from that time to right now
My brain has continued to simulate a trampoline, ejecting any statement
That does not match my deeply imprinted, negatively focused
My brain has continued to simulate a trampoline, ejecting any statement
That does not match my deeply imprinted, negatively focused
Self assessment, so that, time and again, I have need to muster up a whale of
Self control to quell anxiety from spiking too high by consciously reminding my
Flabbergasted reaction to relax at least enough so as to offer a guy
A smile while responding thank you, politely ... and please make no mistake ...
It's not as if I don't enjoy receiving compliments, because I do ... It's just that
Compliments continue to feel so surprising that the narrowness of
My thought pattern's comfort zone still has no clue where to
Store them inside me, suggestive of yet another insight into deeper truth:
A smile while responding thank you, politely ... and please make no mistake ...
It's not as if I don't enjoy receiving compliments, because I do ... It's just that
Compliments continue to feel so surprising that the narrowness of
My thought pattern's comfort zone still has no clue where to
Store them inside me, suggestive of yet another insight into deeper truth:
My life-long, mental pattern of viewing a portion of my self assessment
Through the dark side of negativity is still in need of rewiring ...
Through the dark side of negativity is still in need of rewiring ...
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