Before reading today's post, I urge (rather than coaxing) you to review yesterday's post for this reason: Strings of insight added, this morning, may signal your intuitive powers to speak to your conscious awareness more readily, concerning how best to wiggle deeper truth free from subconscious storage, thus strengthening your innate potential to clarify the complex nature of mental confusion more quickly than had ever felt possible, before. And please keep in mind that weeks of mental wrestling with subconscious memory may not be your fate unless your first stage of early childhood development was sadly interrupted deaths, twice in a matter of weeks, as had been true of mine. In addition to that traumatizing fact, weeks of exhaustion (at my advanced age) seems a better choice than my visit, last summer, to the ER when my heart malfunctioned due to a heightened degree of repressed stress, and with those insights, concerning progressing toward change for the better, in mind, let's see which string of insights pops out as today's post ventures more deeply into the great unknown ...
The fact that I was haunted by feeling so imperfect about 'this or that' as to have perceived myself as 'deserving' to be ignored, left me feeling just as invisible as had felt true when I misread my family's emotional devastation as condemning me to feel so worthless as to resurrect that same devastating reaction of feeling worthless at some point during every next stage of life as I'd felt when Janet died. And just as I grew up clueless of having been haunted by this daunting, unidentified fear of feeling so insignificant as to feel invisible, I was also cluelessly about feeling haunted by this fear as well: Deep down inside the black hole of my mind, I feared dying while asleep just as had been true of Janet, and not until my well-practiced, personal strength of intuitive tunneling had worked its magic (as though all on its own) did my conscious awareness heighten to the point of raising both of those deeply buried, unidentified fears to the surface of my mind, suggestive of this fact: Not until this week did I gain the clarity to understand that my lengthy bout with exhaustion was due to my energy source's strategic determination to direct itself wholly upon excavating two subconscious terrors, which had haunted my adult peace of mind ever since a strong spirited, quick witted, good, little girl, who had misperceived of herself as being so imperfect as to have devastated her entire family, had devalued her self worth inways that no one who loved her could have ever imagined, and with today's sense of clarity uppermost in my mind, the lengthy nature of my bout with mental exhaustion in the aftermath of our Passover celebration makes sense to the intuitive, intelligent, deeply sleuthing, insight-seeking, problem-solving, plan-making adult, whom I'd had need to grow up to be in order to direct my smarts toward reprocessing a lifetime of mental confusion, which had addled my brain when I was three, so that clarity, concerning the natural bent toward goodness that fuels my spirit, mind and heart with positively focused energy matches deeper truth, which my soul has always known to be true of my character...
And since it has become clear that my conscious mind has gained the wisdom to offer my well-practiced sense of intuition carte blanche, concerning how ever much time is needed to tunnel subconsciously as the traumatized portion of my think tank heals from PTSD, I can see how the sum of my smarts made sound use of my brain's interactive parts, functioning as a well balanced whole, in order to make sense of that which had, for weeks, seemed To be little more than a long lasting, repetitive, mentally daunting, anxiety-producing, emotional roller coaster of gibberish, until, retrospectively, reflection suggests that my power of intuition was working behind the scenes, 24/7, resurrecting strings of insight, repeatedly, until intuitive trains of thought had tunneled so deeply into subconscious memory as to emerge with two unprocessed details, the first of which inspired me to stop leaning (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) upon Will in favor of placing my faith in my brain's hard won ability to stand straight up on the sum of my personal strengths before conscious clarity was mine. And just as I've come to place my faith in intuitive thought leading my conscious mind to venture into the great unknown, where fear-based, undeserved subconscious guilt had previously forbidden as off limits, I found myself standing straight and tall before Will, listening to myself make sound use of my self assertive voice, which declared, right out loud: No one's darkly colored, defensive misperceptions of my best character traits are ever going to bury my reprocessed self assessment under the wrath of trash talk without receiving a portion of my clearly intelligent mind in response!
Finally, wIth clarity in plain sight, I have reason to make sound use of my voice instead of thrashing and howling at unnamed adversaries in the dark of night or mentally trashing myself, during the day, for failing to swim to shore whenever an undertow of PTSD sucks my conscious mind into a swirling whirlpool of yesteryear's emotional reactiveness, over long, where my awareness of 'here and now' feels suddenly submerged in past moments of trauma so as to believe myself as invisible and unworthy of love as to kthe good life that inexplicably disappeared in a terrifying whirlpool, leaving a severely wounded portion of my think tank drowning in combustible confusion, each time my daddy left for work, leaving me with Grandma and Mommy, who had power struggled with conflicting emotions so overwhelming as to electrify the air we three inhaled until Daddy's key opened the door to my sense of emotional safety, each evening, at which time, my child's mind dived into a peaceful sense of denial until my own personal super hero left for work at the crack of each next dawn, when the air in our apartment began to crackle anew with the emotional tension of confounded anxiety that intensifies, over time, when the complex source of an on-going power struggle fails to emerge and resolve ...
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