1373 44H's WORD CHOICE IS TELLING

How easily those times are missed when we are too hard on ourselves unless
Reflection, concerning word choice, reveals the subtle nature of
Negative attitudes, turned inward ... for  example, let's think several days back
When my original word choice, concerning an unidentified change taking place
Inside my mind, was 'lethargy', reflecting a less than positive attitude on
My part until, retrospectively, insight hit, and I came to realize that
My state of mind had not felt lethargic but relaxed to a degree that
Did not feel 'normal' to the hyper-vigilant, control freak in me, which
Suggests why this unfamiliar feeling had not been identified as
A change for the better until an emergent sense of intuition sensed
My thought processor's need to switch tracks from lethargy's negative
Connotation toward embracing my spirit's lighter, positively focused
Perception of mental relaxation, and once insight tweaked my attitude
Brightening my spirit's smile, guess what happened, next?
My sensation of relaxation felt even more peaceful than before, which
Is why today's insight-driven stream of consciousness leads me to ask:
How unaware might you be of those times when subconscious negativity
Colorizes your attitudes, drawing forth trains of thought that continue to
Darken your perception of reality more than you might choose to believe unless—
During quiet moments of introspective reflection—your sixth sense develops
The agility to emerge, as though all on its own, spotlighting insights into
Deeper truths, which, thus far, have remained blocked from your
Conscious awareness behind your defense system's many layered
Wall of denial, which has need to be disassembled if your sense of clarity is to
Free your younger than springtime spirit to enjoy every heartfelt aspect of
Life less anxiously, more joyously than had proved possible ever since
Your self image had suffered a blow so confoundingly painful, early
In life, as to have buried a heavy weight, concerning your
Self perception, within your subconscious, and not until the unprocessed
State of this attitude, which darkens your self perception, has been identified
And tweaked for the better will heartfelt plans, which had sadly
Not met with success, think to employ your tweaker, as well— sooo—
If, while considering need of tweaking negatively focused self perceptions
I opened my tool box and found my tweaker missing, I'd replace it—wouldn't you?

1373 43H's WHAT CAUSES A PERSON'S POWER OF INTUITION TO RETREAT?

While my sense of serenity still feels buoyed by
A heightened awareness of personal contentment
Life's ups and downs have not evaporated into thin air ...
What has evaporated is my brain's need to juggle
A variety of emotions, which erupted in times past when
My sensitivity toward empathy felt pressed to brainstorm toward
Workable solutions as soon as the pain of others had
Made itself known, so, if asked what has currently
Changed for the better, I'd offer this reply:
Upon successfully identifying a host of deeply repressed fears
My conscious mind gained the ability to differentiate between
The pain of others and my own, freeing my brain to operate on
A wavelength of relaxed compassion, which does not
Compromise my thought processor's ability to
Think smart on the spot for this reason:
When my sense of balance remains intact, I need not
Call forth my line of control to tame a subconscious eruption of
Anxious reactions (related to my past) while solution seeking is underway
And If the truth be told, this emotionally relaxed change for the better
Still feels so unlike me as to catalyze a palpable sense of
Cerebral surrealism, spotlighting this insight that's emerging, right now:
I feel as though my compelling need to dive toward knowledge, secreted
Subconsciously, is on pause ... Hey!  Perhaps it's true that our
Power of intuition (which retreats when anxious reactiveness stimulates
Adrenalin to surge through our brains) has need for down time, too!

1373 42H's THE ART OF LEADERSHIP ATTENDS TO BOTH SIDES OF COURAGE

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
-- Winston Churchill

And with respect for your smarts, courage is what it takes for me to stand up to say that you might do well to muster the patience to sit down and review insights added, this morning, to yesterday's post 1373 41H's ... And with that simply stated, I hope you can sense how much your patience is appreciated.
-- Annie Shapp

1373 41H's. I AM A HUMAN BEING

Perhaps this buoyant feeling of peaceful observation results when a person's spirit has experienced sound reason to trust in this fact:  All the diving I did was necessary in order to thin out the wall of defensive denial that had layered up, over time, to separate my conscious mind from repressed fears, which had festered subconsciously, haunting my sense of well being.

Thank goodness, my conscious mind chose to engage in EMDR therapy (which freed my intuitive powers to dive ever more deeply, repeatedly, emerging with repressed portions of my history), thus inspiring my sense of wholeness to develop confidence in my brain's ability to multifunction, which proves necessary if self trust is to remain intact during emotionally confounding times when mental stress tends to run so high for so long as to signal the adrenal gland to release adrenalin into the blood stream, replacing oxygenated blood with this chemical that causes the heart to pump too quickly, alerting anxiety (which runs interference with regaining mental clarity) to strike.  And since my think tank has worked patiently over these last several years to absorb this conscious sense of self trust more fully, the emergence of latent fears (concerning my negatively focused, self image) have lost their potency to frighten my existential needs into silent submission no matter how much adrenalin is rushing through my blood for this reason:  My conscious mind has absorbed the wisdom to summon a courageous sense of patience, which proves necessary if I am to tolerate and tame high anxiety until such time as diving toward clarity releases my intuitive powers, which 'know' when to inspire me to follow Socrates' creed to 'know myself' in greater depth until readiness inspires my think tank to lead me forward by taking another courageous step into the great unknown, suggestive of this change for the better:  Diving for insight releases the wisdom, which makes better use of my natural smarts.

And guess what results each time diving toward crystal clear clarity is my reward for mustering the courage and patience to tolerate long-lasting spikes of anxiety, which had, in previous years, overwhelmed my ability to steady my think tank from capitulating to heightened levels of stress, thus capsizing my connection to common sense?  With patience and courage intact, the eventual emergence of insight into deeper truth, repressed beyond conscious awareness, resurfaces, catalyzing my comfort zone to expand so naturally as to inspire my think tank to reconsider choices, which had eluded my acceptance at an earlier time when my self image had proved more subconsciously distorted than I'd consciously known ...

So having accomplished the difficult work necessary to float on (rather than diving toward), the natural buoyancy of self trust, here's what I've clearly come to believe:  I've consistently and conscientiously worked to thin out my defensive wall of denial, suggesting why additional strings of insight are likely to glide up toward conscious awareness on gentle breezes of clarity without causing my brain so much pain, due to the re-emergence of deeply repressed mental strain, experienced in years past.

And that brings us to today, when self trust (rather than repressed fear), filtering through my thoughts, offers your friend, Annie, sound reason to feel more relaxed with each passing day than has been true since terror of the unknown gripped my mind at the vulnerable age of three.

If you ask where comes this absorption of self trust?  I'd reply:  Each time I choose to tolerate rising levels of anxiety (knowing that the source of today's stress is actually based in unprocessed fear from the past), eventually, my brain's intuitive powers are naturally deployed to identify and disempower the host of interrelated subconscious fears, which, having being repressed, had pierced my conscious mind with spikes of unnamed anxieties ever since I was a tot until my think tank's current absorption of self trust had sound reason to replace my control freak's subconscious need for hyper vigilance, 24/7.  And not until self trust has experienced a well practiced sense of tolerating anxiety without losing hold of sanity saving, solution seeking tools, will devisive decisions, based in defensive reactiveness, evaporate into thin air as though all on its own.

Upon voicing today's string of insights during this afternoon's session of EMDR, I watched my therapist smile while saying:  So, you've grown content with 'being' human rather than feeling driven to 'do' something to create change for the better in aspects of life that prove beyond your personal control ...

Taking her positive comment to heart, my eyes sparkled, reflecting my spirit's smile, dancing naturally in tune with her professionally perceptive perspective as I offered this simple reply:  Yes.

Good, was her response ... After all, you are a 'human being', not a 'human doing' ...

What I didn't think to say at that time is this:  Feeling relaxed doth not suggest giving up on hope ...

Why not?  Because basing today's intuitively inspired decisions in hope's natural buoyancy, which keeps my head above the emotionality that remains repressed below 'see' level, is not in need of change.

BTW ... Before pulling this post into today's rest station, I feel need to end this current stream of consciousness with this thought:  Upon awakening this morning, the tool box inside my head sprung open, whereby my think tank chose to employ a 'tweaker' to change yesterday's post for the better by tweaking spots of complexity, here and there, without adding to its length ... suggesting that there are times in every person's life when all we need 'do' to save a workable plan from sinking back into the quicksand of subterranean, emotional complexity (which, fueled by the arousal of yesteryear's unprocessed anxiety, feels overwhelmingly combustible) is to inject our minds with healthy doses of self trust, based in personal history, thus recharging a wearied spirit, such as mine, which has encouraged my conscious awareness to dive into turbulent waters that proved over my head for so many years as to deeply appreciate time spent, floating forward along this portion of the river, which running as deep and clear and calm as a river can be, offers my active mind time to bask neath a sunny blue sky until mind and spirit feel as purely refreshed as does a parched desert day in the aftermath of a whirling 'haboo'... and if I liken our most deeply valued relationships to river life that thrives, as does every living thing, by dining on a balanced diet of sunshine and showers, then common sense suggests my pulling this current stream of consciousness into today's rest station after I say that we hard working human beings have need, now and then, to make time to sit for a spell amid the flowers that we love to smell, most of all ...

1373 40H's A PEACEFUL LEAP OF FAITH NEEDS NO SAFETY NET

I believe that the writer in me is likely to balk at penning long streams of consciousness for an undetermined length of time for this reason:

 My mind feels content to float along on this peaceful current of mental relaxation, even though my sixth sense is aware of unnamed change taking place, within.  During times of mental reorganization, floating feels unlike me, because I've grown accustomed to diving for insight.  On the other hand, my smarts suggest that freeing my thought processor to relax ever more deeply into this mellowed attitude of peaceful observation makes sense until insight into this strange (yet somehow natural), unnamed change for the better emerges as though all on its own ... at which time, I'll enjoy an Aha! moment, which will be eagerly shared with you.

Perhaps this buoyant feeling of peaceful observation results when a person's spirit has experienced sound reason to trust in this fact:  I can ride life's rapids without fear of capsizing my values, because I have faith in the interrelated workings of my brain (when my thoughts are not darkly shadowed by subconscious spikes of latent anxiety or undeserved guilt).  In short, I've worked to develop the inner strengths, necessary, to maintain a sense of inner peace even if the conscious portion of my mind has not yet received the memo, naming whatever change for the better is underway ... And you can believe me when I say that working toward acknowledging, tolerating and embracing the emotional turbulence that accompanies growing pains (rather than repressing emotional reactions that make you feel unlike your former self), is the courageous way to tame the control freak within your mind, who seeks perfection though your intelligence knows that that state of mind does not exist, and once your smart heart acknowledges your life long need to lead your control freak to heel, that's when the sum of your brain's interactive parts will spy the fork-in-the-road-less-taken where insight, concerning how best to deepen peace of mind (by honestly identifying your deepest desires), waits to welcome you home  ...

1373 39H's WHAT SUBCONSCIOUS DESIRE LONGS TO PENETRATE YOUR DEFENSE SYSTEM'S WALL OF DENIAL?

At this point in my recovery from PTSD, I sense anothe attitude change, as yet unnamed, taking place inside my mind, and as this is the first time that the puzzling nature of subcinscious mental re-organization feels strangely relaxing rather than anxiously taxing, I'll not be surprised to find myself posting little more than a thought or a quote that speaks to me of deeper truth until the story-teller, snoozing within, awakens feeling so refreshed as to ignite my eagerness to, once again, pen true tales of my life ...

 Paraphrasing Winston Churchill:  “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference,” he said at length. “I admire you. You have learned to rise with the wind, rather than fight it. Too many people struggle to become what is expected of them, when, as we both know, what is expected of us (or what we have come to expect of ourselves) is rarely what we desire (for ourselves, deep within).”

Excerpt From: C. W. Gortner. “Mademoiselle Chanel.” HarperCollinsPublishers, 2015-11-24. iBooks.

1373 38H's AN ASTONISHING, YET RELAXING INSIGHT ...

Gosh!  Guess what occurred to me upon awakening, this morning?

If you'd like to know what just occurred to me, as
Intuitive thought offered me insight into
My current spell of mental lethargy
Please check out yesterday's post for this reason:
Early this morning, my conscious mind chose to review
My previous train of thought when, lo and behold
The blue bird of happiness flew into my window, and
After tweeting of insight into change for the better into
My astonished ear, that sassy little blue bird took
My stylus into its beak and began to peck that insight, concerning
Change for the better, between the lines of Post 1373 37H's, which
Had been penned and published, yesterday, and
You can believe me when I say that any train of thought
Penned by the blue bird of happiness is worth considering, seriously!

1373 37H's EMBRACING THE GREAT UNKNOWN THAT EXISTS WITHIN MY MIND

If the truth be told, here is the only thought I feel like writing, today:
I don't feel like writing about anything, at all, and
Though I've not a clue as to what casts a spell, from time to time, of
Mental lethargy over my desire to write, I can tell you this:
The newly developed depths of my self confident approach to life continues
To coax my sense of inner peace to relax within this pervasive belief:
Though mental lethargy feels strange to one whose mind never sleeps
I know, without a doubt, that mental activity is taking place subconsciously
And with that insight empowering my conscious awareness to have faith in
The fact that my brain knows what it's doing, I plan to luxuriate
Within this peaceful, down stream flow by floating forward
Acquiescently, for as long as this spell, which has been
Cradling the sum of my parts, lasts

You see, upon reflection, I can see where fate has chosen to befriend
Your friend, Annie, much more often than not, and just as
I tell my sons: You take your history every place you go ...
The classic nature of that statement proves true for me, too
Suggestive of this reassuring fact:
Each time my inner strength of courage remembers to
Couple up with my line of self control, I grow ever more capable of
Coping, patiently, with the hard times, and here is why that's true:
Once insight into some aspect of a confounding childhood experience
Is mine, my conscious awareness grasps a deeper sense of what had
Made a recent hard time feel more unbearable than had actually
Been true, due to the fact that I'd unknowingly darkened my
View of myself, again, and every time insight suggests that
 My spirit had been shouldering yet another weighty bout of
Undeserved guilt, my heart feels so relieved of sadness, as to
Free mind space to openly absorb each next surprising experience that
Life and love continue to offer up to me, so that as I age
My spirit rejuvenates more thoroughly than had been possible when
Unidentified pockets of subconscious guilt (Manifesting as anxiety)
Had filtered through my wall of denial, misleading me to disparage
Myself, over most of my life, and as judging myself too harshly had
Narrowed the comfort zones of my conscious mind, negative attitudes
Focusing inward, had limited many of my choices ... unnecessarily ...
Sooo ... now you can understand why I say:  Thank goodness
My new found ability to embrace the great unknown that exists
Deep within my subconscious (and yours) has resulted in
A positively focused attitude change for the better, which
Is currently suggesting that once I grow accustomed to
This feeling of mental relaxation, I may also feel free to
Choose what to write rather than feeling compelled (by unknown
Subconscious forces) to dive ever more deeply for insight into
My past in order to expose subterranean reasons for harboring
Repressed anxiety, which, upon erupting, repeatedly, had darkened
My vision of the blue bird of happiness, unnecessarily, time and again ...
Gosh ... This just occurred to me:  I had no reason to worry that
The other shoe would drop on my head each time
The blue bird of happiness beckoned to me from overhead, because
Little birds, upon learning to take flight, know the importance of
Identifying  childhood fears in order to leave the sad weight of
Those fears in the past where they belong, and therefore
Each little song bird, whose wing span has grown to embrace
Flight, has no need for S hoes to protect tender feet, suggesting that
My fear of the other shoe dropping proved to be yet another
Figment of my (darkened) imagination, all along!
Fancy that!

1373 36H's WITH A SMILE AND NEED TO REPLENISH ENERGY WELL SPENT ...

Over night, intuitive trains of thought must have coaxed my conscious mind to awaken with need to tidy up strings of insights expressed in yesterday's post, because, upon arising this morning,  that's what I'd felt compelled to do, and since intuitive thought has proven to be an ace detective, extraordinaire, my smarts freely chose to comply ...

And now, having thoroughly enjoyed an active playdate, yesterday, with Ravi (whose sweet natured spirit is a go-getter if ever I saw one), I'm feeling too happily spent to pen even one more word, so in keeping with honoring my needs, I'll satisfy my desire to pull into today's rest station, right after amusing you with this video of Ravi, dancing to the music as if woman's intuition has been coaching the fairer sex ever since we were babes in cribs ... LOL!

1373 35H's NAMING AND TAMING UNDESERVED, GUILT-RIDDEN ANXIETY ENHANCES PEACE OF MIND

My quest for deeper truth has unrooted the primary reason as to why a latent sense of guilt-ridden anxiety has haunted my well being since childhood.  Finally, years of soul searching point to this revelation:  My negatively focused self assessment had been waiting for the other shoe to drop ever since the grieving (and thus, over-reactive, explosive, emotional) reactions of 'giants', whom I'd entrusted with my love and personal safety, had caused a small child to feel so confounded and terrified as to have 'seen' myself as, suddenly, somehow, so unacceptably imperfect as to have narrowed my comfort zone from feeling free to express all of my personal needs to repressing this fact:  In the aftermath of my baby sister's unexpected death, I'd felt safest expressing none of my needs, and that change for the worse had been my fate until twenty years ago, when my adopted persona of selflessness had sound reason to spring a leak, liberating my tunneling power of intuition, which had felt caged behind my wall of denial, to work undercover, like a private eye, toward freeing the portion of my self assertive voice, which, until recently, had felt caught up in such a tightly knit web of repressed emotionality as to have denied my conscious awareness access to a host of inter-related, subconscious secrets until intuitive trains of thought felt so free of denial's constraints as to coax my smarts to relax enough to tunnel (while the rest of me sleeps) ever more deeply toward exposing the original, unprocessed fear that has attacked my sense of inner peace with episodes of guilt-ridden anxiety, which had spiked with undeserved frequency, repeatedly ...

Once my conscious sense of readiness placed its faith in partnering up with intuition,  my fate began to change for the better for this reason:  With the power of intuition riding sidekick, my conscious sense of emotional maturity worked at realigning both sides of my brain to function as one well-oiled machine, which, over recent years, has worked faithfully toward achieving this deeply coveted, peaceful awareness:  My deepest subconscious fear, which had served as my primary source of latent anxiety throughout every stage of my life, has finally been exposed, and with exposure, the haunting nature of this fear has lost its power to repress my personal needs, which, ever since childhood, had felt unworthy of personal fulfillment, and having identified my primary source of repressed emotional pain, I, having worked, like a trooper, to heal the wounded portion of my self esteem, finally feel free to honor my needs (within reason) just as I've chosen to honor the needs of my loved ones—and no doubt, time will tell if my cure is long lasting or short lived ... And with that change for the better clearly stated, today's train of intuitive thought is encouraging the newly liberated portion of my self assertive voice to free this question to float across the miles into your ear ...

How ya gonna be true to your deepest self when your conscious mind does not yet know which portion of your self assessment has been handcuffed to a latent (repressed) sense of undeserved guilt throughout every stage of your life, even unto today?

1373 34H's I WONDER IF YOU CAUGHT MY PRIMARY DRIFT, YESTERDAY?

Yesterday
I wrote of why yesteryear's latent anxiety (based in childhood's negatively focused self assessments, which, due to my thinning wall of denial, have been conveyed on trains of intuitive thought into my conscious awareness with increasing frequency, recently) has finally exposed my primary subconscious fear, concerning human imperfection, which, left in its unprocessed (unidentified, unnamed) state had laid the heavy weight of undeserved guilt on my spirit, throughout my life ...

Today
I awoke wondering if you caught my drift as to each person's need to pinpoint the primary source of subconscious anxiety, which in its unidentified state will leap out to undermine peace of mind, repeatedly, for this reason:  Each time anything so much as remotely resembles whatever caused that hot spot to burn anew, muscle memory tenses up to the same degree as had been true, long ago, when one sharp glance in your direction from an over-reactive parent stripped a child of emotional safety so swiftly as to have swept our self assertive voices into submission, thus crippling our emotional comfort zones so that years later, our adult choices felt polarized (right or wrong, with nothing in between), until intuitive tunneling emerges with insight, detailing whatever had traumatized a slice of our budding self esteem, and not until our adult conscious minds have worked to develop heightened levels of emotional intelligence, which tap into the courage and patience necessary to dive, repeatedly, ever more deeply into our subconscious psyches. do we pluck out one 'forgotten' detail after another out of subconscious memory until the bigger picture of the puzzling nature of the sum of each person's contradictive character traits makes such profound sense as to offer our consciously rebalanced awareness sound reason to self heal each negatively focused self assessment, which had festered internally, ever since portions of budding self esteem had been wounded during childhood, and as just as the power of knowledge compels my conscious mind to tap away at my keyboard, day after day, intuitive trains of thought inspire my heart to expose insight into my growing sense of emotional intelligence, which emboldens my self assertive voice to do my part in hopes of encouraging your smart heart to work toward creating change for the better without tugging at your end of the line, which connects one person to another, regardless of the passage of time ...

Tonight
Let's see if your conscious mind can be coaxed into relaxing at least enough so as to offer your intuitive powers free rein to tunnel ever more deeply into the most soulful portion of your memory bank so as to awaken your conscious awareness to withdraw glimmers of insight concerning at least one detail that's associated with the primary reason why a haunting sensation of latent anxiety, associated with your self assessment, leaps out of your subconscious in an unprocessed state, and not until you have freely processed the negative attitude that harasses your peace of mind, more often than your conscious awareness has, thus far, surmised, will the narrow confines of your comfort zone relax in view of the fact that your self assessment will have sound reason to change for the better as has mine.

Tomorrow
Continually offers up the dawning of the rest of our lives, and as my intuitition has confidence in your brain's ability to create change for the better, imagine my newly relaxed pattern of sleeping peacefully, night after night, hoping that you can feel my heart wishing yours sweet dreams while your intuitive powers tunnel till you awaken at sunrise with insight, concerning your innate potential to expand your present comfort zone to embrace a vividly colorful pallet of choices that will offer your adult thought processor sound reason to paint the darkness, associated with unidentified layers of undeserved guilt (left unprocessed during childhood), out of the bigger picture of your life in favor of brightening your vision of how best to redirect your newly rebalanced sense of mindfulness toward freeing your spirit to fully enjoy every brand new, five star day that you so richly deserve to experience by choosing to carve out an existential path free of undeserved guilt, at last  ...

1373 33H's OVER THESE PAST TWENTY YEARS, FATE HAS REPEATEDLY INSPIRED ME TO KNOW MYSELF EVER MORE DEEPLY

As intuitive thought is still resistant to describing two weeks in paradise
I'll stop trying to force that issue in favor of relaxing my conscious mind to
Focus on whatever my stylus decides to write, today ...
I mean, what if intuitive resistance (not to be confused with anxious resistance)
Is alerting my conscious mind to the fact that unfinished business is still
Percolating, deep within subconscious tunnels of my brain, and
With that thought in mind, common sense suggests relaxing my focus toward
Switching tracks in hopes that, over night, intuitive thought has cooked up
Nourishing tidbits of insight that we can sample by entering
The inner sanctum of my brain, which simulates shopping at Costco, where
Stuff seems to jump into my cart that I'd no conscious clue of needing until
I actually see this or that laid out before me, begging to improve my life, so
Let's get a cart and see which strings of insight turn up as my intuitive powers
Shop through the super emporium of the brain that lives inside my head ...

First off, I wonder if you've been wondering why strings of insight, concerning the inter-relatedness of my subconscious anxieties have been surfacing so frequently, recently.  In fact, I've wondered about that, myself, until intuition whispered this train of thought into my ear:  Over most of my life, fate offered my defense system sound reason to add layers to my wall of denial so as to block my conscious awareness from scary secrets, stored subconsciously, until fate, swooping down, repeatedly, decided to favor my expansive sense of self confidence with reason to muster the courage that proves necessary to grow ever more determined to know myself in depth, and as, over time, my conscious ability to muster courage coaxed opaque layers of defensive denial to grow ever more translucent, closed mindsets, which had turned a blind eye to considering new ideas, concerning my need to create change for the better, began to open, thus gifting my conscious mind with unexpected growth spurts of self awareness as intuitive thought, tunneling toward those secrets, caught glimpses of fears to which I'd been blind, and eventually, armed with courage, my power of intuition stoked my conscious mind with trains of thought that conveyed one secret fear after another from subconscious storage until pieces of baggage that weighed heavy on my spirit filtered into my conscious awareness and once I came to see how often intuitive thought tunneled successfully when my calm sense of patience remained intact, I began to view sudden spikes of anxiety as messengers, signaling my thought processor to remain relaxed but alert, so as not to rouse tension that would surely cause the frequency of my brsin's self-powered intuition to stop streaming, naturally, on its own, and that thought coaxed my conscious awareness to grow ever more attentive to those times when spiking anxiety had seemed to make little sense because of this fact:  Each strike of anxiety, which lasted over long, seemed exaggeratedly disproportionate to whatever was currently taking place in my life, and once intuitive thought spotlighted that insight, my curiosity peaked, and thus did I consciously begin to wonder how many (inter-related) unprocessed fears, one breeding the next, had been born inside my head when Janet died, asleep in her buggy ...

Next thing I 'knew' intuitive thought seemed to slide into home plate in direct proportion to how much my conscious mind could tolerate strikes of anxiety instead of tensing up at bat when fate seemed to aim an unexpected curve straight at my head, and the more I placed my faith in taming anxiety without Having pinpointed that which was disturbing my peace of mind, the more empowered my intuition felt to wander (while the rest of my smarts slept soundly through the night) ever more deeply into subconscious memory where the haunting nature of childhood's unprocessed fears remain secreted until a person decides to work at developing heightened levels of emotional intelligence, which empowers an individual to tolerate inexplicable onslaughts of anxiety, bordering on panic attacks (which hindsight suggests had been repressed, awaiting release, deep within the wounded portion of my brain over most of my life).

It's as if latent attacks of yesteryear's hot spots of anxiety had been stored in an anesthetized (not euthanized) state within canisters with lengthy fuses, which had been awaiting igniting in similar fashion as is true of canisters containing highly explosive fireworks, which are released, explosively on the 4th of July ... And now that my internal detective has grown ever more successful at spotlighting one canister after another, negatively focused self assessments, which have been in serious need of restructuring since I was three, feel free to leap out of subconscious storage for this reason:  My defensive wall has had reason to grow ever more transparent when fate offers up one reason or another for repressed hot spots of anxiety to electrify to the same intense degree as had been true when I was a terrified child, suggestive of this fact:  Once the combustible nature of emotional fireworks, condensed and secreted within a subconscious canister, feels reason to explode, another emergent detail, concerning my history, bursts threw whatever's left of my wall of denial, lighting up the sky with a clarified view of yet another unprocessed fear that had pricked at my well being for so long as to offer my state of wonderment an epic sense of release as conscious acknowledgment of a negatively focused fear unchains my brain from experiencing that particular, outdated pattern of anxiety, and the calm of inner peace that follows the explosive release of each long-repressed emotional storm, brewing within, overlong offers such relief that my spirit leaps for joy to know that my brain is as capable of healing itself (with astute professional help) as was true of my ruptured colon, once an astute surgical team had tunneled within my abdomen to exorcise the portion of that organ, which had suffered severe internal injury on a stormy night during a head-on collision with fate  ... and so you can see that once the eye of the internal tornado within my head has been fully exposed and exorcized, the inner conflict that causes so much restless tension to build up throughout my body will relax, offering the sum of the parts of my exhausted brain to function, much more often as a well balanced whole, and until that's the case—intuitive thought, which cautions my mental weariness to relax in down time for as long as needs be, will encourage the sum of my self-empowered strengths to continue to work together, rebuilding a reinforced structure of well balanced thinking, speaking and listening patterns that will provide the voice of my expansive comfort zone with change for the better over the rest of my uniquely, self reliant life ... And that's the plan that has just been placed in the oven to bake, concerning how intuitive trains of thought will best guide my conscious awareness to continue to switch tracks from negatively focused, anxiety provoking, self assessments, which prove over reactive toward enjoying my future years in a fashion that offers a greater sense of mental relaxation than ever before!  Hallalooyah!  WHEW!  Pulling that train of thought into the station was quite a workout!

Before closing up shop for today, let's sample a series of inter-related, unprocessed fears that have unconsciously haunted my conscious mind pretty much forever:  I've worried, not just about dying in my sleep (like Janet), but dying all by my lonesome, because, having misperceived myself as so imperfect as to feel safest when cloaked in invisibility, it makes sense that I'd felt daunted by the unconscious fear that no one would have reason to minister to emotional wounds that rarely surfaced or attend my funeral or miss my (invisible) presence once I was gone, forever ... And as I'd subconsciously harbored the unprocessed fear of finding myself dead in a bed, all alone, with my life spent for naught, my narrow comfort zone had unknowingly limited my intelligent thought processor from deviating from this unprocessed choice:  Strive for nothing less than perfection and glow in the center ring—or—failing at perfection, throw my shattered self confidence in the garbage.  And resultant of the severity of those polarized choices, guess what took center stage once I grew up and thoroughly enjoyed teaching as my chosen profession, whence I perceived of myself as The Pied Piper of children?  My rusty, dusty leadership skills (which fearing failure had failed to develop sometime after kindergarten) as though from the grave ... So hip hip hooray for intuitive thought leading my conscious awareness toward creating change for the better within my self assessment, first within a classroom filled with ten year old fifth graders, where my curious nature, love of learning and high spirited, corny sense of humor felt so joyously at home that the joyful spirits of twenty children fell in love with my own until, eventually, fate threw a challenge across my path, causing this fifth grade teacher, extraordinaire, reason to trash her imperfect self, all over again, because, as a beginner adult I'd had no clue that it was fate's classic responsibility to test my acceptance of my very human imperfections, repeatedly, until I grew ever more conscientiously aware of reason to re-evaluate the most negative aspects of my self assessment, which had proved in need of this make over:  Rather than trashing myself for making imperfection's mistakes, I'd had need to embrace this mantra, concerning employing change for the better, ever since fate had thrown its first curve ball, traveling at breakneck speed, smack into the think tank of a highly impressionable, deeply traumatized child of three:

Own each mistake-humbly correct it-kiss and make up with myself-move forward ...
Repeat—as I would with a highly valued, deeply loved friend ...

PS
If you believe that common sense suggests the wisdom of
My conscious mind adopting such a positively focused
Train of intuitive thought then doesn't deeper truth suggest that
Consciously choosing to adopt that same train of thought provides
Your think tank with a healthy change for the better, as well ...
Most especially when deeper truth suggests that you, like me
Prove to be a human Earthling, who is bound to
Move through each stage of life, lugging forward
Childhood's unprocessed and thus, unresolved fear of
Messing up, signaling your negatively focused
Defensive system to exacerbate this polarized inner conflict:
Honor your personal needs or mess up your life and
The lives of everyone you love—thus limiting your comfort zone
Which proves in need of expansion so that you can finally
Stop spikes of subconscious anxiety from erupting from
Deep within your brain, which tires from suppressing frustration
That continues to build up behind your
Wall of denial, where repression of personal needs can only
Remain chained to the past until fate offers your mental match
Sound reason to coach your intelligence to awaken to
The highly unique, deeply valuable person, whom you've grown up to be ...
Picture yourself in a darkened theater, watching a well-written thriller in which
The main character stands before an unlocked door, behind which
Joy, associated with heightened levels of emotional intelligence, beckons
To welcome a wearied warrior home—what would you, sitting and munching
Freshly popped popcorn, coax that strong, courageous, unique individual to do?

We are, one and all, the authors of our very own life stories ...
And having worked courageously to re-evaluate my self assessment while
Working to regain sound use of my self assertive (sometimes downright
Sassy) better balanced voice, tis time for my true life adventure (which
Has been directed as much by choice as by fate), to turn the page and
Begin to pen the final chapter, where a happy ending waits to be written ...
And I hope the same is true of your adventure into the great unknown, too ...

1373 32H's OVER THESE PAST TWO WEEKS A TASTE OF HEAVEN WAS MINE

I'd planned to awaken, conscious mind so refreshed as to
Eagerly reach for my iPad, ready to describe several experiences
Each of which warmed my heart as my spirit danced with
The abandonment of pure joy as though the sunlit sky
Had actually shone forth from the depths of my contented soul ...
However, rather than penning an expository post, my stylus
Fields no words other than those which wax poetic
And as Shakespeare, Shelly or Keats I am not, common sense
Suggests holding off on my description of paradise until
My brain, vacationing on cloud nine, floats back to earth in its own good time
So in the meantime, here's a picture, worth a thousand words ...
(Consequential of shared custody, we enjoyed Ravi's best buds
Tony and Ray, the previous weekend, being that we spent ten days on the coast)

1373 31H's SHORT AND SWEET

Awoke - felt compelled to back track
Slid newly emergent insights into yesterday's post
Coming up momentarily - play date with Ravi - pure joy, straight ahead ...
(Once the primary source of an inner conflict is tamed, my spirit jumps for joy!)

1373 30H's HIGHLY PRINCIPLED, WELL DISCIPLINED MINDS GET 'SOMETIMERS'

So ready or not, here it comes ... a tightly knit condensation of the bigger picture that I didn't get, myself, until I reminded my conscious awareness of this fact:  Once I'd truly placed my faith in the self-empowerment of the human brain to call upon intuitive thought to coax a smart heart to develop the wisdom necessary to seek insight into making sound use of hindsight, my understanding of yesteryear's highly complex events began to deepen, incrementally.  Had that not been my experience, the path I'd sought toward change-for-the-better would have remained mystifyingly cloaked within an on-going series of darkly clouded, emotionally confounding and thus stress-inducing reactions that would have continued to overwhelm clarity's twenty/twenty vision until the primary reason for the current state of my emotional reactiveness had been identified as the emergence of unprocessed fear, which had festered, rawly, subconsciously since childhood, and once subconsciously repressed, emotional complexity has surfaced, at long last, the conscious mind can be trained to quell anxiety at least enough to free intuitive trains of thought to tunnel ever more deeply into your past (and mine) so as to surface, repeatedly with the most puzzling pieces of your history's emotional turbulence in hand, and as your brain places each piece of emotional baggage on a conveyor belt, intuition coaxes your conscious mind to awaken to unpack secrets, saved in subconscious storage until fate graced your presence with a series of mind-bending experiences, each of which saw you thinking out of the box, demonstrating gains made in emotional intelligence, which singles you out as one whose intuitive powers can grow to string inter-related insights, together, sparking bigger pictures to suddenly leap out of subconscious pockets as though conveyed from past to present on electrified bolts of lightening, each of which spotlights a flash of deeper truth in 3D so as to quicken your growing sense of conscious clarity to reach out to mine in hopes that the re-awakening of your mental acuity will feel inspired to reach out and walk, hand in hand, with mine as we saunter along the path less taken, where hindsight offers your sense of foresight sound reason to expand yesteryear's narrow comfort zones so graciously as to coax your intelligence to agree that opening closed mindsets makes sense.

Then, as the importance of working to develop the power of intuition grows ever more evident to us both, we'll feel inspired to take turns coaching each other to embrace new patterns of thought, which had subconsciously frightened our overly-discipled, highly principled minds as our on-going series of highly personalized encounters serves to heighten your conscious awareness (and mine) of each person's very own, highly unique aspects of individuality, suggestive of this fact:  No person is exactly like another in that everyone harbors different subconscious needs, which, sadly, remain unfulfilled until each of us decides to work in earnest to tap into undeveloped layers of emotional intelligence, which remain sequestered until the maturity to muster the patience that proves necessary ultimately taps into our sense of readiness to free our conscious intelligence to seek the key to unlocking intuitive thought, which provides our thought processors with the expansive capacity to open the door to welcoming a well balanced sense of heartfelt joy to dwell within our souls as had never felt possible without worry of having tarnished our highly valued, bright and shiny perceptions of morality, which your life-long reputation and mine have rightly enjoyed as our just reward throughout each stage of our lives ... And there's no doubt about that as long as we remember to remind ourselves of need to quell a lifetime of thought patterns that had programmed our brains to burp up subconsciously eruptive, negatively focused, undeserved guilt, which, having soured life's sweetest moments of intimacy, have need to be disempowered, at long last ...

Each time mental complexity gets to feeling so overwhelmingly confounding as to
Cause darkly cloudy eruptions of emotional tension to arise, anew, blocking
The voice of crystal clear clarity from gliding smooth as silk on
Streaming beams of sunshine straight through my ear into
The newly absorptive powers of my conscious mind, mistakes are easily made, and
As everyone makes mistakes, which often collide, head on, deeper truth suggests
That defensive reactions tend to blind us to our own, and as
Time and again, hindsight proves that last insight true, through and through
My mind cooked up this cheerful little ditty, which inspires my inner sense of
Balance to muster the humility to fess up each time mental complexity
Breeds inner conflict, which, upon growing ever more confounding
Messes with my conscious connection to clarity, time and again:

Make a mistake-own it-humbly correct it-kiss and make up-move forward
Make a new mistake-own it-humbly correct it-kiss and make up-move forward
Repeat

And such is life until the memory goes, at which time we remind ourselves to
Write the important stuff down - then - scratching our forgetful little heads
We can't remember where the heck we put the post it note for safe keeping ...
Sigh!

1373 29H's YOU GET IT, RIGHT?

So... you get the bigger picture, right?
I awaken, each morning, with no clue of the fact that
While my conscious mind sleeps through the night
My intuition, functioning as my brain's most experienced detective
Reacts as though it's employed by my growing sense of courage to
Seek out each next string of insights that remains secreted within
Another layer of denial, pocketed within my subconscious
And once each nightly 'mission impossible' has successfully pulled
The whole of my brain into the next station, where, sometime
Between four and eight AM, my conscious awareness awakens
Stirred by an earnest, fully refreshed eagerness to write, I feel
Compelled to start at the beginning of my life story, where
My conscious mind, thinking to chug forward, is continually surprised
Day after day, to feel itself drawn to the previous post, where, while
My conscious mind reads that which has already been written
My stylus starts hitting keys, as though it has a mind of its own, that's
Alerting my conscious awareness of need to consider additional
Strings of insight, which, having emerged during the previous night's
Intuitive exploration of deeper truth, 'must' be included in
Yesterday's post, and so upon awakening each morning, my refreshed
Sense of peaceful wholeness, placing its faith in
My power of intuition, which is as strong and sure as the tide
Rolling in and out, repeatedly, pulling my well rested
Conscious sense of awareness toward detecting each next

Inter-related string of insights, which has been readying itself, during
The still of the night, to emerge from the depths of my subconscious
Memory bank, in order to nourish my growing sense of
Self empowerment with additional morsels of knowledge that
Fortify my courageous spirit to coax my vulnerabilities to listen up and
Smarten up while my strong hearted nature heightens its current level of
Comprehension of this fact that's universal to mankind:
Inner conflict that lasts overlong is based in deeply repressed
Emotional complexity, compressed within tight pockets of
The subconscious portion of our brains, and not until
Intuitive thought feels free to dive so deep into subterranean memory
Repeatedly, so as to detect and surface with string after string of
Inter-related insight into identifying opposing emotions, which
Have been power struggling for dominance (ever since your
Emotional safety felt endangered straight into your core during
Childhood), will your adult sense of patience, fortified by courage
Feel so relaxed of inner tension as to free your thought processor to
Tap into intuitive thought with such faithful (nightly) consistency as to
Inspire closed mindsets, concerning your guilt-ridden self assessment to
Open so expansively as to guide the narrow confines of dimly lit
Comfort zones to lighten up and feel need to switch tracks from
Harboring fear of yesteryear's imperfections toward unloading ann
Unpacking baggage, which has unconsciously weighed heavy on
Your spirit's need to freely experience pure joy throughout
Every stage of your life, which has seen you focusing one eye on
Waiting for the other shoe to drop, suggesting that there's no
Time better than right now to stop awakening, cycling
Unconsciously, round and round the same-old-same-old
Mental track, when your spirit's newly liberated sense of
Wholeness feels sound reason to coach narrow comfort zones to
Continue to relax inner tension while intuitive thought goes to
Work rechanneling your thought patterns to expand old ruts just
Enough to quell yesteryear's anxious reactions, patterned during
Childhood when fear of feeling guilt-ridden with imperfection
Injured your self image so seriously as to have falsely accused
A good child of deserving to be emotionally abandoned, resulting
In comfort zones narrowing down each time a sudden strike of
Anxiety spiking, hijacked your spirit's soulful sense of

Freedom, which longs to tolerate changing thought patterns that
Will, over time!no ffer your conscious mind reason to calmly
Relax and thoroughly enjoy much of which the great unknown
Has been beckoning your sense of wholeness to experience more
Peacefully than had been possible before intuitive thought
Had begun to work determinedly, as though on its own, toward
Completing each next lap of this lengthy mission-impossible, which
Serves to inspire your conscious mind to awaken, each morning
Feeling a calm eagerness to embrace leaps of faith, although
The fact that you are unique unto yourself suggests that
Your hand may not reach instinctively for your iPad as
Does mine, and that last intuitive insight sparks my conscious
Mind to wonder whatever surprising string of insights has been
Reading itself to march across my screen, like a string of ducks
All lined up in a row, and as!mov er these past three days
Intuitive thought has been busily adding new strings of insight to
The last post published, intuitive thought is coaxing me to trek back to
Review that post, yet again, in order to track through whatever
Glimpse of subconscious awareness may be in need of
Deeper absorption, concerning another piece of baggage, which
Has been in need of unloading, and with my intention clearly stated
I can feel this most current train of thought pulling my
Conscious mind into today's rest station, where the expansive nature of
My comfort zone would like to invite your conscious awareness to
Hold hands with mine, as, together, we freely track back before
Moving forward, knowing that each time an additional piece of
Subconscious knowledge has been more deeply absorbed
We empower our inner strengths to move forward into
The great unknown with a greater sense of individuality intact than
Had ever proved possible when the narrow confines of
Denial's comfort zone had blocked us from observing that
Dark clouds of repressed emotional combustion had limited
Our scope from sighting deeper truth inviting us for tea

A1373 28H's SO JUST HOW IMPERFECT DID I FEEL?

In the aftermath of my grandpa's and baby sister's death
Grief ran so deep throughout my extended family that I, being as egocentric as
Proves true of most three year olds, misperceived my imperfections as
Being responsible for everyone's long-lasting frowns to the point that if
A frown so much as caught my eye, I got to feeling so guilty of
Who-knows-what as to have condemned myself worthless each time I couldn't
Coax a sunny smile from anyone I loved as had been my M.O. before

The shocking 'disappearances' of two loved ones scared everyone in
My extended family, including me, half out of our wits, and as
I'd trashed myself for failing to live up to my own unrealistic expectations of

Being empowered to transform storm clouds, hanging over our heads, into

Sunny smiles that would have shone beams of warmth in

My direction as had been true before our little corner of the world

Had grown dauntingly dark, over night, I'd unconsciously devalue myself in increasing
Increments, day after day, week after week, month after month, alerting
My defense system to call upon denial to save the traumatized portion of

My think tank from digging itself into a black hole so deep as to never be able

To hear intuition whispering of my need to grow aware of the fact that, with

The passage of years, I'd gained the mental strengths necessary to heal the wounds of

My self image by consciously choosing the road less taken, where, rather than feeling

Safe by blending in, I'd begin to shock everyone who'd thought to know me

Well by making waves and standing up to assert myself no matter how many

Raised eyebrows, cast in my direction, signaled my anxiety to spike, suggesting

That, over my entire life, deeper truth had been trying to tell me that nothing was

As dangerous as the fact that I'd spent so many years blind to this darkly colored

Behavioral pattern, imprinted into the wounded portion of my think tank:

Smile by day, scratch and cry, silently, by night, thinking to know what's wrong while
Deeper truth suggests that I'd had no clue, what-so-ever, of having harbored a host of

Inter-related issues, associated with 'fear of failing to please', which intensified as

Each stage of life led into the next, reinforcing my primary fear of 
Feeling emotionally abandoned by loved ones unless I acted as if
Their every wish was my pleasure to fulfill, and since I'd unknowingly
Developed a persona that had consistently responded in an agreeable manner so as
To fend off the subconscious threat of abandonment from coming true, my self-

Fulfilling prophecy did come true for this reason:  Loved ones came to expect
That their needs would be met with consistency, because my attitude of
Genial servitude proved so convincing to one and all, inclusive of
The conscious portion of my mind that there was no reason for anyone to
Question whether my personal needs had gone unmet, and since none of us
Was aware of participating in this unbalanced pattern, we all remained blind to

This change-not-for-the-better that was born when Janet died ... And as
Experience suggests that each string of insights leads to the next, you'd be
Right to assume that today's intuitive train of thought is about to clarify
The reason why my defense system decided to stuff my unmet needs behind
Denial's eager-to-please smile, thus secreting my lifelong fear of

Emotional rejection within an attitude of subservient complacency that
Offered me a false sense of personal safety, which conflicted with
My spunky spirit's natural bent toward self assertive leadership, and
Thus did a power struggle between self motivated leadership and
Congenial subservience create a great devide within my mind for
The greater part of my life ... for example ...
Let's say that during my teen years, I'd spy a guy to whom I'd felt

Magnetically attracted, giving me the eye, which, while exciting
My budding libido, startled my negatively focused self assessment into
Triggering fear of rejection to flare, transforming excitement into
Spiking anxiety, as if a near and present danger was closing in, suggestive
Of this fact:  Not until I came to understand the highly complex
Interactive functions of the human brain would I realize the importance of
Growing ever more attentive to those times when intuitive thought is
Working overtime to awaken my conscious awareness of need to
Identify emotional combustion as my brain's way of signaling my
Intelligence to set out on a quest for self discovery, at which time
I began to collect clues, concerning unidentified fears, and as, eventually 
Those clues offered my conscious mind insights that spotlighted
Bigger pictures, I found myself empowered to single out
The early childhood experience that had swept my self image so far
From center as to have swirled my sense of clarity away from
Early childhood's positively focused path so suddenly as to have
Dizzied my undeveloped sense of self to grab onto a negatively focused
Path where a lifetime of unconscious confusion, based in inner conflict
Had repeatedly alerted my defensive shield to arise and manifest as
Physical tension so quickly as to feel need to lower my lashes and
Cover my eyes, as though spiking anxiety had served as my
Comfort zone's warning signal to slam on the brakes so as to stop
My libido's desire from over heating before I'd run a red light and
Crash straight through the safe haven that platonic friendship provided
Suggesting why I'd felt free to enjoy time spent with guys as

Long as they did not make moves on me; otherwise, whatever natural flame
I may have nurtured, secretly, would flash freeze into an icicle so pointed and
Chilly as to have pricked the hopes of any guy who'd thought to pull
My body against his own other than to dance in time with the music, playing
In A low lighted room where so many couples were seen swaying hip to hip as to

Ease the fragile state of my emotional safety ... In fact, each time a guy
So much as sauntered across a crowded room, eyes locking into mine
My veil of invisibility dropped so suddenly as to set my heart aflutter at
Having been singled out, suggesting that rather than feeling flattered
Confusion recreated a sense of inner conflict that tapped into
My negatively focused self image, which had historically hijacked
My sense of clarity, leaving me feeling as dizzily flustered as had been
True when I was repeatedly terrified by a bus load of bullies, so that
Receiving so much as a hint of a compliment flustered my mind For
This reason:  My agility to absorb positive comments, gracefully, had remained

Non-existent ever since I was twelve, and from that time to right now
My brain has continued to simulate a trampoline, ejecting any statement
That does not match my deeply imprinted, negatively focused

Self assessment, so that, time and again, I have need to muster up a whale of

Self control to quell anxiety from spiking too high by consciously reminding my

Flabbergasted reaction to relax at least enough so as to offer a guy
A smile while responding thank you, politely ... and please make no mistake ...
It's not as if I don't enjoy receiving compliments, because I do ... It's just that
Compliments continue to feel so surprising that the narrowness of
My thought pattern's comfort zone still has no clue where to
Store them inside me, suggestive of yet another insight into deeper truth:

My life-long, mental pattern of viewing a portion of my self assessment
Through the dark side of negativity is still in need of rewiring ...

A 1373 27H's MAKING SENSE, AT LAST, OF THAT WHICH HAD ACTUALLY NEVER BEEN NONSENSE

Before reading today's post, I urge (rather than coaxing) you to review yesterday's post for this reason:  Strings of insight added, this morning, may signal your intuitive powers to speak to your conscious awareness more readily, concerning how best to wiggle deeper truth free from subconscious storage, thus strengthening your innate potential to clarify the complex nature of mental confusion more quickly than had ever felt possible, before.  And please keep in mind that weeks of mental wrestling with subconscious memory may not be your fate unless your first stage of early childhood development was sadly interrupted deaths, twice in a matter of weeks, as had been true of mine.  In addition to that traumatizing fact, weeks of exhaustion (at my advanced age) seems a better choice than my visit, last summer, to the ER when my heart malfunctioned due to a heightened degree of repressed stress, and with those insights, concerning progressing toward change for the better, in mind, let's see which string of insights pops out as today's post ventures more deeply into the great unknown  ...

The fact that I was haunted by feeling so imperfect about 'this or that' as to have perceived myself as 'deserving' to be ignored, left me feeling just as invisible as had felt true when I misread my family's emotional devastation as condemning me to feel so worthless as to resurrect that same devastating reaction of feeling worthless at some point during every next stage of life as I'd felt when Janet died.  And just as I grew up clueless of having been haunted by this daunting, unidentified fear of feeling so insignificant as to feel invisible, I was also cluelessly about feeling haunted by this fear as well:  Deep down inside the black hole of my mind, I feared dying while asleep just as had been true of Janet, and not until my well-practiced, personal strength of intuitive tunneling had worked its magic (as though all on its own) did my conscious awareness heighten to the point of raising both of those deeply buried, unidentified fears to the surface of my mind, suggestive of this fact:  Not until this week did I gain the clarity to understand that my lengthy bout with exhaustion was due to my energy source's strategic determination to direct itself wholly upon excavating two subconscious terrors, which had haunted my adult peace of mind ever since a strong spirited, quick witted, good, little girl, who had misperceived of herself as being so imperfect as to have devastated her entire family, had devalued her self worth inways that no one who loved her could have ever imagined, and with today's sense of clarity uppermost in my mind, the lengthy nature of my bout with mental exhaustion in the aftermath of our Passover celebration makes sense to the intuitive, intelligent, deeply sleuthing, insight-seeking, problem-solving, plan-making adult, whom I'd had need to grow up to be in order to direct my smarts toward reprocessing a lifetime of mental confusion, which had addled my brain when I was three, so that clarity, concerning the natural bent toward goodness that fuels my spirit, mind and heart with positively focused energy matches deeper truth, which my soul has always known to be true of my character...

And since it has become clear that my conscious mind has gained the wisdom to offer my well-practiced sense of intuition carte blanche, concerning how ever much time is needed to tunnel subconsciously as the traumatized portion of my think tank heals from PTSD, I can see how the sum of my smarts made sound use of my brain's interactive parts, functioning as a well balanced whole, in order to make sense of that which had, for weeks, seemed To be little more than a long lasting, repetitive, mentally daunting, anxiety-producing, emotional roller coaster of gibberish, until, retrospectively, reflection suggests that my power of intuition was working behind the scenes, 24/7, resurrecting strings of insight, repeatedly, until intuitive trains of thought had tunneled so deeply into subconscious memory as to emerge with two unprocessed details, the first of which inspired me to stop leaning (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) upon Will in favor of placing my faith in my brain's hard won ability to stand straight up on the sum of my personal strengths before conscious clarity was mine.  And just as I've come to place my faith in intuitive thought leading my conscious mind to venture into the great unknown, where fear-based, undeserved subconscious guilt had previously forbidden as off limits, I found myself standing straight and tall before Will, listening to myself make sound use of my self assertive voice, which declared, right out loud:  No one's darkly colored, defensive misperceptions of my best character traits are ever going to bury my reprocessed self assessment under the wrath of trash talk without receiving a portion of my clearly intelligent mind in response!

Finally, wIth clarity in plain sight, I have reason to make sound use of my voice instead of thrashing and howling at unnamed adversaries in the dark of night or mentally trashing myself, during the day, for failing to swim to shore whenever an undertow of PTSD sucks my conscious mind into a swirling whirlpool of yesteryear's emotional reactiveness, over long, where my awareness of 'here and now' feels suddenly submerged in past moments of trauma so as to believe myself as invisible and unworthy of love as to kthe good life that inexplicably disappeared in a terrifying whirlpool, leaving a severely wounded portion of my think tank drowning in combustible confusion, each time my daddy left for work, leaving me with  Grandma and Mommy, who had power struggled with conflicting emotions so overwhelming as to electrify the air we three inhaled until Daddy's key opened the door to my sense of emotional safety, each evening, at which time, my child's mind dived into a peaceful sense of denial until my own personal super hero left for work at the crack of each next dawn, when the air in our apartment began to crackle anew with the emotional tension of confounded anxiety that intensifies, over time, when the complex source of an on-going power struggle fails to emerge and resolve ...

1373 26H's TWO ADDITIONAL SUBCONSCIOUS FEARS EMERGE

Though I was not surprised when exhaustion hit
The day after our Passover Seder, I was shocked when
Several days later, the unrelentless nature of that exhaustion
Spurred anxiety to strike, which mystified my sense of
Clarity for weeks until intuitive trains of thought, tunneling
Ever more deeply into subconscious memory, offered
My conscious awareness a growing sense of relief from
Anxiety as, day after day, intuition compelled me to
Pen the same string of insights, repeatedly, until, recently
When, finally, this fact popped into my conscious mind, as
Though the power of intuition was a well practiced
Magician, who rather than pulling rabbits out of hats
Grows well practiced at coaxing strings of insight out of
Subconscious memory, thus inviting conscious awareness to
Tap into deeper truth until emotional baggage, weighing heavy
On our conscious minds and spirits, turn us into
Control freaks until ... fate offers us reason to peel away at
Defensiveness as our personal quests toward self discovery
Get underway, and at this point of my personal quest, I've
Learned to listen up when intuitive thought offers up
Insight that transforms surface confusion into
Depths of clarity that, with patience intact, eventually
Rings right out loud, clear as a bell, as was true when
My well practiced power of listening for intuitive thought
Tapped into the subconscious reason why my recent
Lengthy bout of exhaustion made sense, and once
Working through depths of mental complexity, which is
Exhausting, clarifies, successfully, for me, my
Brain signals need to rest by alerting intuitive
Thought to pen posts, stating clearly that I don't feel
Like writing, and once each rest period feels complete
Intuitive trains of thought, feeling fully
Stoked and re-energized, whisper of time to simplify
Complex trains of thought for you, and having
Clearly expressed my process, here are
Two subconscious fears, which had stimulated my defense system
(Which can't differentiate between yesteryear's haunting threat
Emerging from the daunting depths of subconscious memory and
That which proves to be a near and present danger) to hijack
My cognitive intelligence, in the aftermath of our
Joyous Passover holiday, causing my personal sense of
Safety to collapse, leaving me feeling as though every iota of
My mental energy had been sucked into that black hole where
I could not shake feeling utterly confounded, emotionally spent, and
Anxious for weeks, because my think tank, which was
Out to lunch) had offered me no conscious clue of this deeper truth:
During those weeks when total exhaustion seemed to linger
Inexplicably, on and on, I had no idea that my self-motivated spirit
Was directing my well practiced power of intuition to coax
The entirety of my brain's energy source toward remaining
Fully engaged, 24/7, diving  ever more deeply into
Subconscious territory until, one by one, two terrible fears, which
Had been repressed in an unprocessed state within
The traumatized portion of a three year year old child's brain, emerged
And once conscious awareness identified both of those unnamed fears
The intelligent adult, whom I've grown up to be, became
Aware of my life-long need to process (identify) those fears with
The mature sense of cognitive clarity that had not yet developed when
My grandpa's and sister's sudden deaths, several weeks apart, had
Struck the minds and hearts of every adult (upon whom my sense of safety
Depended) to reel with shock, guilt and grief for so long a time as to have
Traumatized a good little girl's sense of self into misperceiving of herself
As being utterly insignificant unless she toed the mark while
Figuring out how to transform every frown that she encountered into
A smile, and as long as that misperception remained
Buried within layers of defensive denial, fear, concerning
Her negatively focused sself assessment fueled
Her subconscious need to feel utterly indispensable and thus
Irreplaceable, so that she'd never have to face feeling so
Completely alone, invisible and miserable, ever again ...

And in addition to fearing the misery that accompanied
My subconscious misperceptive belief of invisibility
I wonder if you can guess at the second unprocessed fear, which
Exhaustion had tapped into during those weeks, following Passover, until
I came to comprehend that intuitive trains of thought were leading
My conscious mind to minimize the repetitive nature of spikes of anxiety in
Favor of acknowledging the well practiced nature of
My power of intuition, which working as though all on its own
Had been spotlighting strings of insight for so many years ad
To inspire my conscious awareness to remember to minimize
Anxious reactions that arose each time a bout of PTSD 'hinted' at
My need to unidentify a subconscious fear, which
Has haunted my peace of mind, beginning with Janet's death when
My undeveloped think tank had not yet celebrated
The third birthday of a good, little, who was destined to
Grow up to become a solution-seeking, super sleuth, whose
Enthusiastic approach to positive disciple has related
A wide variety of success stories, each of which has
Focused on inspiring countless parents and teachers to
Choose to motivate children to choose to comprehend
Differentiate between and cooperate with family rules and
House rules, leading toward the betterment of every
Individual as well as the family unit, functioning as a whole ...