Tuesday, December 31, 2013

884. NGUOYU Part 48 LIGHTNESS AND SERIOUSNESS HOLDS HANDS WHILE FLYING FREE OF FEAR

December, 2013
For most of my life I followed the rules of the road, which stated in no uncertain terms:  This path is right, so any other must be wrong.  Today, I tweak every rule that feels too narrow to allow my heart to grow so expansive as to freely express all the love it holds.  When love, which cannot be freely expressed, turns in, the heart constricts, causing our bodies to actually ache with longing for that which must be denied—at least that's true of me.  As aching does not feel good, intuition signals my sense of logic to 'listen to my body' in hopes of creating change for the better.

Yesterday, I experienced pure joy with my family, not because I was doing the 'right thing' but because intuition continues to guide me to seek insight into fulfilling my unmet needs without bringing unnecessary pain to those I love.

If asked how I define unnecessary pain, I'd reply, first, by describing necessary pain.  Necessary pain is that which we bring upon ourselves when 'society's narrow shoulds' deny common sense entrance into our conscious minds.

If you ask what makes pain necessary, I'd ask you to consider this next train of thought:  Humans are creatures of habit, suggesting resistance to change until pain grows so great as to compel us to turn toward choices that societal 'shoulds' forbid us to consider.  Need an example?  As a mother, myself, I can't fathom how painful it must have been for women who'd suffered the crippling pain of bound feet to bind the feet of their daughters.  Though its one thing to inflict pain on loved ones unknowingly; it's quite another to note that mothers, who had been so subservient to societal dictate, had consciously crippled their own children.  And thus do I repeat:  Humans are highly impressionable creatures of habit, suggesting that we resist making waves until 'necessary' pain grows so great as to intensify internal rebellion, which precedes our creating change for the better.  *In short, pain proves necessary before subservience gives voice to personal choice.

When 'shoulds' deny common sense entrance into the conscious portion of my mind, fear directs logic to take a back seat on the bus until such time as collective mindsets open at least enough to reflect over 'this should or that should' until, suddenly, insight into 'shoulda-coulda' spotlights a dark spot where fear had cast giant shadows over the warmth of the sun.  Once a collective mindset feels ready to inch forward on the time line, progressive thinkers, straining to pull everyone—who makes up the bell shaped curve—forward toward a brighter future, breathe a sigh of relief while encouraging those who still struggle against change to self soothe unnecessary pain until their comfort zones expand at least enough to recognize that growing pains classically precede gains made in personal growth.

As I've been living, teaching and inventing positive discipline techniques for more than forty-three years, you can guess where my think tank feels most comfortable on the time line's bell shaped curve, which pulls society's traditional modes of thinking toward progressive changes for the better, as a whole :)

At times of inner conflict, I seek solitude in order to reflect over which aspect of my belief system is determining my sense of right vs wrong.  And guess what I find out?  I find out that just because something I want to do feels wrong does not mean it is wrong.  And thank goodness I came to that conclusion for this reason:  That which feels wrong, today, may not feel wrong, tomorrow, when insight into complexity of life and love offers my mindset sound reason to expand.  Each time my mindset opens to consider progressive thoughts based in experiences that differ from my own, my feeling, concerning right vs wrong changes, yet again.  Not because I'm washy-washy, but because, often times, when my mind opens to consider the merit of ideas other than my own, common sense suggests it's time for my comfort zone to expand.

Before insight was my guide, I'd blamed others for my pain.  Today, I know that most of the pain I'd suffered had been due to my inability to respect and voice my needs.  The fact that I'd tolerated an insufferable level of pain compelled me gain insight into growing into the person I freely choose to be, today. 

Thank goodness, I've learned not to make important decisions when fear is controlling my mind.  Thank goodness intuition continues to guide me to retrain my brain to conquer fear while my line of control ensures that my spirit flies freely back and forth across the street without raining unnecessary pain on anyone's head, including my own.  In short, I actually think before I speak :)

As long as freedom of spirit and my line of control align, my mind considers expansive choices free of fear.  As my decisions are made thoughtfully, my sense of safety remains intact whenever I grant my heart a joy ride on the bus that transports me toward embracing positively focused growth at those marvelous times when my sense of wholeness (heart, mind and spirit) are delighting in every wondrous experience that life offers up on both sides of the street.  And having traded yesterday's fear based belief system for today's self respecting belief system, guess who sleeps peaceably through the night—unless I awaken because my heart feels constricted—suggesting that some unmet is 'aching'—suggesting that intuition is directing my conscious mind to 'listen' to my body—which is trying to make me aware of this fact:  My sense of right and wrong is being sideswiped by one of the 'shoulds'.  And if I choose to ignore the fact that inner conflict is intuition's way of guiding my mind to switch tracks then my heart will ache with longing to satisfy a basic need, which energizes my spirit's ability to soar …  (Whew!)

Once that last train of thought landed upon deeper truth, this question popped out of my mind:  Have you got a clue as to why I've not yet offered an answer to a riddle asked a couple of posts back, concerning those times when my two most important values seem to clash causing inner conflict to clang, like discordant cymbals, inside my head?

As you know ... some riddles are answered on the spot
Some the next day
Others in a story down the road
Why is that true?
Not because I'm cagey or forgetful, but because
I've gained insight into allowing
Intuition to guide me toward making decisions based in
How I feel from moment to moment for this reason:
Decisions that bend my mind to feel this way, today
May change for the better when insight into
The complexities of life and love
Illuminate a dark spot in my mind, which upon brightening
Offers me countless opportunities to grow so flexible as to 
Take a leap of faith away from that which I 'see' as my tower of strength
Toward diving, ever more honestly and thus courageously
Into the depths of my core where
I find myself swimming through more raw emotion
Than I'd ever had the courage to feel this deeply before
And though, at first, my exposure to raw emotion felt 'wrong' …
Today's train of thought offers me sound reason to expand upon
That which had been yesterday's self-constricting comfort zone 
Hmmm—I wonder, if at this point, you can see how
Expansive trains of thought, penned in posts, which seemingly
Write themselves, free my spirit to
Dive a bit deeper into my core than ever before until
My mind pulls out another plum of an insight that allows
My heart to experiment with loving more thoroughly
Today than had been true, yesterday, when
Fear had clouded my views until
Insight into clarity became a top priority, which is why
I choose listen closely each time intuition suggests
That Mother Nature is knocking at my door, holding forth
The gift of opportunity to know, accept and respect myself while
Enjoying every slice of life more wholly than had been possible before
And now you know why—each time inner conflict arises—
My spirit retreats to my own Walden Pond, where
The introspective portion of my mind ponders over life's complexities
Until insight into the past shines the bright light of clarity upon
How best to understand that which
Creates emotional traffic jams, today
Thus allowing me to look both ways while my mind reconsiders
The changeable nature of everyone's needs—including my own :)

July 2013
Will and I plan to fly to the coast on a Saturday
We are not unhappy about flying separately.
Why not?
First of all, we rejoice in Barry's generosity, which
Makes this opportunity for familial intimacy possible at a time
When we must offer unwelcome news to our sons
Secondly, Will does not have to cancel his golf game :)
Thirdly, I get to spend time with my dear friend, Katie
Who plans to sweep me into her car at the airport
And whisk me off to lunch where
We'll talk each other's ears off until
She drops me at Barry's girlfriend's house where
My son's heartfelt creativity is at work
Helping to ready everything for
Marie's son's second birthday party—
Which brings us to my original reason
For flying to the coast in the first place ...
I had been looking forward to enjoying Ray's birthday party
And thus, while flying high in the sky, gazing out
At fluffy white clouds
My mind is mulling over the complexities of love and life, which
Offer us, all, countless opportunities to blend moments of 
Lightheartedness with life's most serious conundrums …
And each time I heed intuition, which prods me to
Muster the courage to allow my spirit to muster the courage to
Fly cautiously and caringly through emotional turbulence, which
Exists on both sides of the street ... Well ...
With time spent in reflection while flying to the coast
I listen to intuition suggesting that this is one of those times
When the lightness and seriousness of being human are meant to
Walk hand in hand while the spirit-sustaining concept of
Mindfully creating balance in all things continues to shape up …

December, 2013
And six months hence, with the New Year about to unfold
I wonder what wondrous surprise may buoy my spirit's smile, tomorrow:)

As to what's up, next …
Well, hopefully, though young people party on New Year's Eve
Till the moon gives way to the sun :)
Will and I plan to enjoy a dinner party with dear friends
Before ringing in the New Year at Steven's party
And as Will and I do not plan to remain awake
Until the wee hours along with our son's friends
My husband and I are good and ready to climb into bed by 1AM
And though Will nods off, immediately—
My mind gets busy brainstorming how best to write
Tomorrow's post in which Will and I impart disheartening news
As gently as possible to our beloved sons
Who had been eagerly awaiting our arrival on the coast …
And as brainstorming is not condusive to falling asleep
I pick up my mini iPad and write until 3AM …

PS
Want to know one of the reasons I love being a woman?
Whether I'm smiling or aching …
I feel free to bare my heart on my sleeve …
I imagine that bearing a shield must get wearisome …

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