Once we're sitting on family room couch, side by side, I look at my husband and say, Will, I'm sorry you had to hear about your biopsy at the office where you were alone with your thoughts. I'm glad you called me, so we can face this, together, right from the start. I couldn't wait till you got home.
Though Will is quiet, action speaks louder than words in that my husband responds by taking my hand and giving it a squeeze that doesn't release.
And with this, twenty questions begins.
Who called you?
Dr. B.
He called you, himself?
Yes.
Wow ... that's impressive, Will.
I know. He told me he called right after he received the lab report.
That's really good to know. So … what did he say?
He said the biopsy was positive.
Will ... I know that—please tell me more … I want to know
Everything you know, so far.
He took twenty-four biopsies. Sixteen came back positive.
I am quiet. A dark cloud spreads over the sky inside my mind.
Why did he take so many?
To determine how far the cancer has spread throughout the prostate.
Over the next several seconds, the 'Big C' hangs in the air while
My mind rebels against absorbing thoughts that
Feel distressingly disorienting—Sixteen of twenty four …
Sixteen proved positive …
So … he withdrew tissue from all over the organ, right?
Right. But it's not an organ, Annie. The prostate is a gland.
Oh. I didn't know that.
Again, I realize that what I know about this particular cancer is ... Nothing. And as I'm not inclined toward researching illness, which might exacerbate my sense of pre-worry (which is already sufficiently aroused) and as my husband is a surgeon, known for thoroughness, Will remains my source of encyclopedic information, and thus does our game of twenty questions continue …
So … how far has it spread?
The entire gland is diseased.
But it's contained?
We don't know ...
Black cloud rumbles inside both minds
Were most of the positive results found close to the center of the gland?
No.
Punch
Where were they?
Everywhere, with a bulge at edge, where Dr.B. felt the polyp
At the edge … ?
That thought causes instinct to rumble more deeply
Brows furrowing
Muscles tensing
Squeezing Will's hand, I feel my teeth clenching
Emotional side of mind rebelling ...
Intelligence working to absorb
That which I do not want to know
Survival instinct, feeling threatened, has aroused
Breaths to shorten
Causing lungs to inhale more oxygen than usual, which
Having been absorbed by my blood is pumping out of my lungs and
Into my heart, quickening heartbeat, readying my body to
Fight the danger, flee the danger, or
Freeze thoughts of danger so that
Emotional reaction numbs up at least enough
For processor to think smart before
Bridge connecting state of well being to positive focus
Has a chance to crack in half, causing think tank to blank as though
Brain is free falling through space ... you know ... as in 'spacing out'
And while muscles are contracting, tensing in self defense to
Attack danger before it attacks me
My brain starts to ache until thankfully ...
Well practiced habit calls forth The Line Of Control, which
Muscling up, runs interference with rising anxiety by
Tackling instinctive alarms at least enough for
Conscious memory to run with the ball as
I recall the calming effect of smiles mixed with wine, so
Looking up at Will with a small, pensive smile, I ask ...
Want a glass of wine? (Will's drink of choice is usually Pepsi One)
As my smile arouses Will's
I feel heartened to see my husband's lips turn up just a bit as
His eyes warm to mine, and his head nods up and down
So slipping my hand free from his, I rise, walk across the room
And return with two glasses, brimming with Will's favorite ...
And though my current preference is sauvignon blanc
Today, I indulge a sudden craving for sugar
Which makes the medicine go down
So when I return to Will and sit at his side
We clink two glasses of Manischewitz concord grape and
After toasting to long lives, good health, and lots of laughter
We sip a bit of life's sweetness…
Following which I ask when do you see Dr. B. next?
Will replies
I'll call his office, first thing in the morning, and
Make a follow up appointment
Please let me know as soon as the appointment is made so
I can rearrange my calendar
Okay
Then, over the next few minutes
Will and I sit, side by side, sipping wine, lost in our own thoughts, and
Though neither of us has an appetite …
I release a sigh, kiss my husband's cheek, rise up, and
Placing my empty wine glass in the sink …
Get dinner ready, after which
We leave the kitchen/family room as well as our
Unnerving cancer conversation behind in favor of
Making our way, hand in hand, toward
The charcoal leather, living room couch
Where, pushing colorful pillows aside
We sit down, side by side, my head resting on Will's shoulder
And thankfully, while my think tank refocuses on
A well-written T. V. show—one of our favorites—
The ache in my brain melts away …
And though anxiety lingers ...
I somehow feel reassured by this belief:
Side by side, hand in hand, and with positive focus intact ...
I believe we have worked to develop
The heartfelt friendship and mindful strengths
Necessary to confront this thing—together—
Please note that five lines up …
I consciously chose to write 'belief' rather than 'fact' …
Funny, isn't it, how often we tend to mix the two up …
Though Will is quiet, action speaks louder than words in that my husband responds by taking my hand and giving it a squeeze that doesn't release.
And with this, twenty questions begins.
Who called you?
Dr. B.
He called you, himself?
Yes.
Wow ... that's impressive, Will.
I know. He told me he called right after he received the lab report.
That's really good to know. So … what did he say?
He said the biopsy was positive.
Will ... I know that—please tell me more … I want to know
Everything you know, so far.
He took twenty-four biopsies. Sixteen came back positive.
I am quiet. A dark cloud spreads over the sky inside my mind.
Why did he take so many?
To determine how far the cancer has spread throughout the prostate.
Over the next several seconds, the 'Big C' hangs in the air while
My mind rebels against absorbing thoughts that
Feel distressingly disorienting—Sixteen of twenty four …
Sixteen proved positive …
So … he withdrew tissue from all over the organ, right?
Right. But it's not an organ, Annie. The prostate is a gland.
Oh. I didn't know that.
Again, I realize that what I know about this particular cancer is ... Nothing. And as I'm not inclined toward researching illness, which might exacerbate my sense of pre-worry (which is already sufficiently aroused) and as my husband is a surgeon, known for thoroughness, Will remains my source of encyclopedic information, and thus does our game of twenty questions continue …
So … how far has it spread?
The entire gland is diseased.
But it's contained?
We don't know ...
Black cloud rumbles inside both minds
Were most of the positive results found close to the center of the gland?
No.
Punch
Where were they?
Everywhere, with a bulge at edge, where Dr.B. felt the polyp
At the edge … ?
That thought causes instinct to rumble more deeply
Brows furrowing
Muscles tensing
Squeezing Will's hand, I feel my teeth clenching
Emotional side of mind rebelling ...
Intelligence working to absorb
That which I do not want to know
Survival instinct, feeling threatened, has aroused
Breaths to shorten
Causing lungs to inhale more oxygen than usual, which
Having been absorbed by my blood is pumping out of my lungs and
Into my heart, quickening heartbeat, readying my body to
Fight the danger, flee the danger, or
Freeze thoughts of danger so that
Emotional reaction numbs up at least enough
For processor to think smart before
Bridge connecting state of well being to positive focus
Has a chance to crack in half, causing think tank to blank as though
Brain is free falling through space ... you know ... as in 'spacing out'
And while muscles are contracting, tensing in self defense to
Attack danger before it attacks me
My brain starts to ache until thankfully ...
Well practiced habit calls forth The Line Of Control, which
Muscling up, runs interference with rising anxiety by
Tackling instinctive alarms at least enough for
Conscious memory to run with the ball as
I recall the calming effect of smiles mixed with wine, so
Looking up at Will with a small, pensive smile, I ask ...
Want a glass of wine? (Will's drink of choice is usually Pepsi One)
As my smile arouses Will's
I feel heartened to see my husband's lips turn up just a bit as
His eyes warm to mine, and his head nods up and down
So slipping my hand free from his, I rise, walk across the room
And return with two glasses, brimming with Will's favorite ...
And though my current preference is sauvignon blanc
Today, I indulge a sudden craving for sugar
Which makes the medicine go down
So when I return to Will and sit at his side
We clink two glasses of Manischewitz concord grape and
After toasting to long lives, good health, and lots of laughter
We sip a bit of life's sweetness…
Following which I ask when do you see Dr. B. next?
Will replies
I'll call his office, first thing in the morning, and
Make a follow up appointment
Please let me know as soon as the appointment is made so
I can rearrange my calendar
Okay
Then, over the next few minutes
Will and I sit, side by side, sipping wine, lost in our own thoughts, and
Though neither of us has an appetite …
I release a sigh, kiss my husband's cheek, rise up, and
Placing my empty wine glass in the sink …
Get dinner ready, after which
We leave the kitchen/family room as well as our
Unnerving cancer conversation behind in favor of
Making our way, hand in hand, toward
The charcoal leather, living room couch
Where, pushing colorful pillows aside
We sit down, side by side, my head resting on Will's shoulder
And thankfully, while my think tank refocuses on
A well-written T. V. show—one of our favorites—
The ache in my brain melts away …
And though anxiety lingers ...
I somehow feel reassured by this belief:
Side by side, hand in hand, and with positive focus intact ...
I believe we have worked to develop
The heartfelt friendship and mindful strengths
Necessary to confront this thing—together—
Please note that five lines up …
I consciously chose to write 'belief' rather than 'fact' …
Funny, isn't it, how often we tend to mix the two up …
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