Retrospectively:
Will's physical with his internist is in June
Will returns to internist's office after psa shows significant rise
Will is referred to Dr. B
Will's nodule is felt
Will's biopsies take place on July 16th
Will and I meet with Dr. B after sixteen biopsies prove malignant
Six weeks after that appointment is Sept. 10th
Sept. 10th is the day Dr. B suggests for Will's surgery
Sept. 9th is my mother's birthday
If Will has surgery on the 10th, he'll not be healed
In time to fly to mom's gala celebration on Sept 21st
Though I want to be at Mom's party …
I'll not leave my husband so soon after his surgery
Though this next decision is not discussed in Jerry's office …
I won't consider postponing Mom's celebration for this reason:
My mom is one hundred years old …
At one hundred years of age it's not wise to postpone—Anything
Most especially anything as significant as honoring a
Gala celebration of 100 years of a beloved life … so …
It's easy to see how inner conflict exaserbates emotional turbulence …
Even so—intution signals this feeling to rise above all others:
It's impossible for me to leave Will—who reacts as though …
His intuition is empowered to read my mind …
Because here is what I hear my husband say:
Will: I'll postpone having surgery till after Mom's party
Annie: I don't want you to wait one day longer than necessary
Will: If I was at Mayo, we'd be waiting two extra weeks, anyway
Jerry: Two weeks should make no difference …
Will: Then it's settled; let's schedule the surgery for after the party
Annie: Will, if you're doing this for me, this is not what I want—I
Worry about the bulge at the margin metastasizing—
I want the cancer gone
Will: I've loved your mother as if
She'd been my own since I was nineteen—
This decision is my call, Annie.
I, versed in problem-ownership, cannot not disgree
I think Will is incredible, but my mind is not at rest …
Why not?
One side of my mind defers; the other wants its voice to be heard
I choose to go with the side that sees Will's decision as incredible
Why do I view Will's decision as incredible … Well ...
Mom has just begun to talk to my husband after
Refusing to be in his presence for the past five years—
(Another story to post at another time …)
At any rate, here is the plan that shapes up while
One side of my mind defers quietly to Will … because
At this moment in time, I agree that
Today's decision, concerning scheduling his surgery
Is my husband's call to make … sooo
We'll fly to be with Mom, as planned, on Sept. 17th
Mom's 100th gala celebration of life will take place on Sept. 21st
We'll fly home on Sept. 22nd
Will will prep for surgery on Sept. 23rd
Dr. B pencils Will in for surgery on Tuesday, Sept. 24th
Will will get his second, third and fourth opinions ASAP
If Will decides on robotic surgery, his surgery with Dr. B will be cancelled.
Dr. B suggests scheduling the surgery, now, for this reason:
His surgical schedule is quick to fill up.
And though he doesn't perform surgery on Tuesdays …
He'll make an exception in order to get Will in right after Mom's party.
This man with the sterling reputation is an incredible human being
Both men are incredible human beings, right?
Though I quietly acknowledge this fact …
My mind is far from at ease
Why?
I really don't want Will to wait one day more
Than the six weeks, which proves absolutely necessary …
Why not? Am I being stubborn? Fragile? Weak? I think not …
I am not at rest with this plan that shapes up because of what I see …
If you ask what I see, every day, that most others do not, I'd reply:
I see my husband quietly staring off into space …
I see his eyes and spirit go flat …
Though Will does not show the depths of his vulnerability to others
I am aware, each and every day, of how much
Vulnerability and the waiting game stress strong-minded souls …
I remember, as does Will that ...
Three of my husband's colleagues died of this disease …
Please do not mistake my anxiety or Will's as negative focus gaining control
Anxiety, shown or not, is a natural reaction to this waiting game ...
Especially when the name of the game is: Gambling with Mortality
Oh yes—one more thing:
I'll never forget the level of stress I'd held inside
During the weeks leading up to the day of my brain surgery …
Though I did not lose my smile … because that's my way ...
At times, I'd stand up from a reclining position, feel faint and
Quietly, sink to the floor, so labored had been my breathing …
PS
I wonder if you remember what NGUOUY stands for?
Will's physical with his internist is in June
Will returns to internist's office after psa shows significant rise
Will is referred to Dr. B
Will's nodule is felt
Will's biopsies take place on July 16th
Will and I meet with Dr. B after sixteen biopsies prove malignant
Six weeks after that appointment is Sept. 10th
Sept. 10th is the day Dr. B suggests for Will's surgery
Sept. 9th is my mother's birthday
If Will has surgery on the 10th, he'll not be healed
In time to fly to mom's gala celebration on Sept 21st
Though I want to be at Mom's party …
I'll not leave my husband so soon after his surgery
Though this next decision is not discussed in Jerry's office …
I won't consider postponing Mom's celebration for this reason:
My mom is one hundred years old …
At one hundred years of age it's not wise to postpone—Anything
Most especially anything as significant as honoring a
Gala celebration of 100 years of a beloved life … so …
It's easy to see how inner conflict exaserbates emotional turbulence …
Even so—intution signals this feeling to rise above all others:
It's impossible for me to leave Will—who reacts as though …
His intuition is empowered to read my mind …
Because here is what I hear my husband say:
Will: I'll postpone having surgery till after Mom's party
Annie: I don't want you to wait one day longer than necessary
Will: If I was at Mayo, we'd be waiting two extra weeks, anyway
Jerry: Two weeks should make no difference …
Will: Then it's settled; let's schedule the surgery for after the party
Annie: Will, if you're doing this for me, this is not what I want—I
Worry about the bulge at the margin metastasizing—
I want the cancer gone
Will: I've loved your mother as if
She'd been my own since I was nineteen—
This decision is my call, Annie.
I, versed in problem-ownership, cannot not disgree
I think Will is incredible, but my mind is not at rest …
Why not?
One side of my mind defers; the other wants its voice to be heard
I choose to go with the side that sees Will's decision as incredible
Why do I view Will's decision as incredible … Well ...
Mom has just begun to talk to my husband after
Refusing to be in his presence for the past five years—
(Another story to post at another time …)
At any rate, here is the plan that shapes up while
One side of my mind defers quietly to Will … because
At this moment in time, I agree that
Today's decision, concerning scheduling his surgery
Is my husband's call to make … sooo
We'll fly to be with Mom, as planned, on Sept. 17th
Mom's 100th gala celebration of life will take place on Sept. 21st
We'll fly home on Sept. 22nd
Will will prep for surgery on Sept. 23rd
Dr. B pencils Will in for surgery on Tuesday, Sept. 24th
Will will get his second, third and fourth opinions ASAP
If Will decides on robotic surgery, his surgery with Dr. B will be cancelled.
Dr. B suggests scheduling the surgery, now, for this reason:
His surgical schedule is quick to fill up.
And though he doesn't perform surgery on Tuesdays …
He'll make an exception in order to get Will in right after Mom's party.
This man with the sterling reputation is an incredible human being
Both men are incredible human beings, right?
Though I quietly acknowledge this fact …
My mind is far from at ease
Why?
I really don't want Will to wait one day more
Than the six weeks, which proves absolutely necessary …
Why not? Am I being stubborn? Fragile? Weak? I think not …
I am not at rest with this plan that shapes up because of what I see …
If you ask what I see, every day, that most others do not, I'd reply:
I see my husband quietly staring off into space …
I see his eyes and spirit go flat …
Though Will does not show the depths of his vulnerability to others
I am aware, each and every day, of how much
Vulnerability and the waiting game stress strong-minded souls …
I remember, as does Will that ...
Three of my husband's colleagues died of this disease …
Please do not mistake my anxiety or Will's as negative focus gaining control
Anxiety, shown or not, is a natural reaction to this waiting game ...
Especially when the name of the game is: Gambling with Mortality
Oh yes—one more thing:
I'll never forget the level of stress I'd held inside
During the weeks leading up to the day of my brain surgery …
Though I did not lose my smile … because that's my way ...
At times, I'd stand up from a reclining position, feel faint and
Quietly, sink to the floor, so labored had been my breathing …
PS
I wonder if you remember what NGUOUY stands for?
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