884. NGUOYU Part 48 LIGHTNESS AND SERIOUSNESS HOLDS HANDS WHILE FLYING FREE OF FEAR

December, 2013
For most of my life I followed the rules of the road, which stated in no uncertain terms:  This path is right, so any other must be wrong.  Today, I tweak every rule that feels too narrow to allow my heart to grow so expansive as to freely express all the love it holds.  When love, which cannot be freely expressed, turns in, the heart constricts, causing our bodies to actually ache with longing for that which must be denied—at least that's true of me.  As aching does not feel good, intuition signals my sense of logic to 'listen to my body' in hopes of creating change for the better.

Yesterday, I experienced pure joy with my family, not because I was doing the 'right thing' but because intuition continues to guide me to seek insight into fulfilling my unmet needs without bringing unnecessary pain to those I love.

If asked how I define unnecessary pain, I'd reply, first, by describing necessary pain.  Necessary pain is that which we bring upon ourselves when 'society's narrow shoulds' deny common sense entrance into our conscious minds.

If you ask what makes pain necessary, I'd ask you to consider this next train of thought:  Humans are creatures of habit, suggesting resistance to change until pain grows so great as to compel us to turn toward choices that societal 'shoulds' forbid us to consider.  Need an example?  As a mother, myself, I can't fathom how painful it must have been for women who'd suffered the crippling pain of bound feet to bind the feet of their daughters.  Though its one thing to inflict pain on loved ones unknowingly; it's quite another to note that mothers, who had been so subservient to societal dictate, had consciously crippled their own children.  And thus do I repeat:  Humans are highly impressionable creatures of habit, suggesting that we resist making waves until 'necessary' pain grows so great as to intensify internal rebellion, which precedes our creating change for the better.  *In short, pain proves necessary before subservience gives voice to personal choice.

When 'shoulds' deny common sense entrance into the conscious portion of my mind, fear directs logic to take a back seat on the bus until such time as collective mindsets open at least enough to reflect over 'this should or that should' until, suddenly, insight into 'shoulda-coulda' spotlights a dark spot where fear had cast giant shadows over the warmth of the sun.  Once a collective mindset feels ready to inch forward on the time line, progressive thinkers, straining to pull everyone—who makes up the bell shaped curve—forward toward a brighter future, breathe a sigh of relief while encouraging those who still struggle against change to self soothe unnecessary pain until their comfort zones expand at least enough to recognize that growing pains classically precede gains made in personal growth.

As I've been living, teaching and inventing positive discipline techniques for more than forty-three years, you can guess where my think tank feels most comfortable on the time line's bell shaped curve, which pulls society's traditional modes of thinking toward progressive changes for the better, as a whole :)

At times of inner conflict, I seek solitude in order to reflect over which aspect of my belief system is determining my sense of right vs wrong.  And guess what I find out?  I find out that just because something I want to do feels wrong does not mean it is wrong.  And thank goodness I came to that conclusion for this reason:  That which feels wrong, today, may not feel wrong, tomorrow, when insight into complexity of life and love offers my mindset sound reason to expand.  Each time my mindset opens to consider progressive thoughts based in experiences that differ from my own, my feeling, concerning right vs wrong changes, yet again.  Not because I'm washy-washy, but because, often times, when my mind opens to consider the merit of ideas other than my own, common sense suggests it's time for my comfort zone to expand.

Before insight was my guide, I'd blamed others for my pain.  Today, I know that most of the pain I'd suffered had been due to my inability to respect and voice my needs.  The fact that I'd tolerated an insufferable level of pain compelled me gain insight into growing into the person I freely choose to be, today. 

Thank goodness, I've learned not to make important decisions when fear is controlling my mind.  Thank goodness intuition continues to guide me to retrain my brain to conquer fear while my line of control ensures that my spirit flies freely back and forth across the street without raining unnecessary pain on anyone's head, including my own.  In short, I actually think before I speak :)

As long as freedom of spirit and my line of control align, my mind considers expansive choices free of fear.  As my decisions are made thoughtfully, my sense of safety remains intact whenever I grant my heart a joy ride on the bus that transports me toward embracing positively focused growth at those marvelous times when my sense of wholeness (heart, mind and spirit) are delighting in every wondrous experience that life offers up on both sides of the street.  And having traded yesterday's fear based belief system for today's self respecting belief system, guess who sleeps peaceably through the night—unless I awaken because my heart feels constricted—suggesting that some unmet is 'aching'—suggesting that intuition is directing my conscious mind to 'listen' to my body—which is trying to make me aware of this fact:  My sense of right and wrong is being sideswiped by one of the 'shoulds'.  And if I choose to ignore the fact that inner conflict is intuition's way of guiding my mind to switch tracks then my heart will ache with longing to satisfy a basic need, which energizes my spirit's ability to soar …  (Whew!)

Once that last train of thought landed upon deeper truth, this question popped out of my mind:  Have you got a clue as to why I've not yet offered an answer to a riddle asked a couple of posts back, concerning those times when my two most important values seem to clash causing inner conflict to clang, like discordant cymbals, inside my head?

As you know ... some riddles are answered on the spot
Some the next day
Others in a story down the road
Why is that true?
Not because I'm cagey or forgetful, but because
I've gained insight into allowing
Intuition to guide me toward making decisions based in
How I feel from moment to moment for this reason:
Decisions that bend my mind to feel this way, today
May change for the better when insight into
The complexities of life and love
Illuminate a dark spot in my mind, which upon brightening
Offers me countless opportunities to grow so flexible as to 
Take a leap of faith away from that which I 'see' as my tower of strength
Toward diving, ever more honestly and thus courageously
Into the depths of my core where
I find myself swimming through more raw emotion
Than I'd ever had the courage to feel this deeply before
And though, at first, my exposure to raw emotion felt 'wrong' …
Today's train of thought offers me sound reason to expand upon
That which had been yesterday's self-constricting comfort zone 
Hmmm—I wonder, if at this point, you can see how
Expansive trains of thought, penned in posts, which seemingly
Write themselves, free my spirit to
Dive a bit deeper into my core than ever before until
My mind pulls out another plum of an insight that allows
My heart to experiment with loving more thoroughly
Today than had been true, yesterday, when
Fear had clouded my views until
Insight into clarity became a top priority, which is why
I choose listen closely each time intuition suggests
That Mother Nature is knocking at my door, holding forth
The gift of opportunity to know, accept and respect myself while
Enjoying every slice of life more wholly than had been possible before
And now you know why—each time inner conflict arises—
My spirit retreats to my own Walden Pond, where
The introspective portion of my mind ponders over life's complexities
Until insight into the past shines the bright light of clarity upon
How best to understand that which
Creates emotional traffic jams, today
Thus allowing me to look both ways while my mind reconsiders
The changeable nature of everyone's needs—including my own :)

July 2013
Will and I plan to fly to the coast on a Saturday
We are not unhappy about flying separately.
Why not?
First of all, we rejoice in Barry's generosity, which
Makes this opportunity for familial intimacy possible at a time
When we must offer unwelcome news to our sons
Secondly, Will does not have to cancel his golf game :)
Thirdly, I get to spend time with my dear friend, Katie
Who plans to sweep me into her car at the airport
And whisk me off to lunch where
We'll talk each other's ears off until
She drops me at Barry's girlfriend's house where
My son's heartfelt creativity is at work
Helping to ready everything for
Marie's son's second birthday party—
Which brings us to my original reason
For flying to the coast in the first place ...
I had been looking forward to enjoying Ray's birthday party
And thus, while flying high in the sky, gazing out
At fluffy white clouds
My mind is mulling over the complexities of love and life, which
Offer us, all, countless opportunities to blend moments of 
Lightheartedness with life's most serious conundrums …
And each time I heed intuition, which prods me to
Muster the courage to allow my spirit to muster the courage to
Fly cautiously and caringly through emotional turbulence, which
Exists on both sides of the street ... Well ...
With time spent in reflection while flying to the coast
I listen to intuition suggesting that this is one of those times
When the lightness and seriousness of being human are meant to
Walk hand in hand while the spirit-sustaining concept of
Mindfully creating balance in all things continues to shape up …

December, 2013
And six months hence, with the New Year about to unfold
I wonder what wondrous surprise may buoy my spirit's smile, tomorrow:)

As to what's up, next …
Well, hopefully, though young people party on New Year's Eve
Till the moon gives way to the sun :)
Will and I plan to enjoy a dinner party with dear friends
Before ringing in the New Year at Steven's party
And as Will and I do not plan to remain awake
Until the wee hours along with our son's friends
My husband and I are good and ready to climb into bed by 1AM
And though Will nods off, immediately—
My mind gets busy brainstorming how best to write
Tomorrow's post in which Will and I impart disheartening news
As gently as possible to our beloved sons
Who had been eagerly awaiting our arrival on the coast …
And as brainstorming is not condusive to falling asleep
I pick up my mini iPad and write until 3AM …

PS
Want to know one of the reasons I love being a woman?
Whether I'm smiling or aching …
I feel free to bare my heart on my sleeve …
I imagine that bearing a shield must get wearisome …

883 NGUOUY PART 47 WHY AM I ON THE PLANE ALONE?

The human mind is extremely curious for good reason
The human mind is also exceptionally impressionable
Being curious works well for us at every stage of life
Why?  Because curiosity opens our minds in expansive ways
On the other hand …
Impressionability can bring stiff consequences at every stage of life
Why?  Because impressionability opens us
To believe that which is not true
Whereas being curious is childlike in that it leads toward growth
Being impressionable may be childish if your mind
Absorbs belief unquestionably—as mine once did
If we consider balance in all things then common sense suggests
That impressionability and curiosity would be wise to hold hands …
Do you realize how often I ask the question 'why' while I write?
Do you realize how often I ask myself to reconsider why
My feelings lock horns with my thoughts—born of
A belief system that I'd been taught to uphold during youth?
Do you realize how often our belief systems crash head on with intuition?
Do you have any clue as to when a belief is squashing an
Opportunity that intuition has brought to our attention, repeatedly?
When I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't
I ask why Mother Nature continues to knock at my door
With this particular conundrum in hand?
Is she goading me with what I believe I can't have or
Is she hoping to rouse insight into
Limitations I unknowingly place on my sense of right and wrong?
Though I knew that no one was harder on me than me
Though I knew that no one sold me as short as I'd sold myself
It was not until recently that I was offered reason
To re-evaluate an inherited belief system which had
Caged my appreciation of singing out loud with the same
Joyful openness that I'd expressed freely as a child
So, how, you may ask has my belief system changed, today?
Well, at this late stage of my life
I listen more readily to intuition, which
Repeatedly whispers that
As long as I look both ways and rein in greediness
It's healthy to question my belief system for this reason:
Each time I feel the need to question my belief system by
Spending time in reflection, common sense pops up, offering
Me deeper insight into life, love and personal need, and
As time spent in reflection distinguishes deserved guilt
From undeserved guilt with which I flog myself
My ability to swim through layers of emotional confusion
Lightens up, and once I discover where
I need to lighten up on myself 
I gain clarity into what it means to truly think for myself
Then, given time to think ever more clearly, guess what results?
Negatively focused fear, which had caged my spirit
Thus narrowing my horizons
Undergoes positively-focused-change-for-the-better in that, over time
Metamorphosis takes place inside my mind, which
Expands as as naturally as
Butterflies ultimately fly free of their restricting cocoons
And once the narrow boundaries of my comfort zones expand
My spirit feels free to delight in pure joy by
Following intuition's instructional guide, which increases my wing span
At least enough to fly over fear's emotional traffic jams in order that
I can fully enjoy every golden opportunity that
Life offers me on both sides of the street
BTW:  If you thought I had any clue of awakening at 4:58 am
To pen this train of thought … well my friends, please think again :)
You see, I wrote the title of today's post, last night …
Suggesting that I'd planned to address the reason why I ended up
Flying to the coast on my own …
Then, after saving that title, most of me went to sleep—except for
My subconscious, which keeps secrets from my conscious mind
And at this point in today's post, it's come clear that
My subconscious must have spent much of the night whispering
Today's entire train of thought into intuition's ear for this reason:
My subconscious trusts intuition to awaken my conscious mind to
Deeper truth that speaks to me, seemingly
Out of the blue in the wee hours when
I find myself awakening with the compelling need to
Take my mini iPad off the night stand in order to
Illuminate yet another change for the better taking place
Inside my mind before the sun rises and thus
While sunny thoughts are busy chasing the darkness away
I find myself writing of shedding yesterday's fear which had
Forbidden my natural sense of joy
To freely express pure delight on both sides of the street
And now, if you are wondering why I flew to the coast without Will
Please listen closely while I clarify this fact:
I did not leave Will alone to fend for himself in his time of need …
Because that's not how I choose to love
When I offer love, my mind stands still on the curb while
Looking both ways, cautiously
Thus offering my heart the freedom to open so fully as to
Spread love, all around as smoothly as
Softened butter melting on warm, wholesome bread
And having arrived at that thought
I feel ready to switch tracks and reveal the reason why
I flew off alone—you see—
Barry was unable to get Will on my flight—
So, if you'd thought otherwise, perhaps you'll see why
I'd mentioned that the human brain is quite impressionable
At every stage of life, which is why
I've come to believe it's vital to consciously retrain our brains
To combine impressionability with curiosity, bent upon asking ourselves
Positively focused questions or else we may allow
Fear to carve out darker trains of thought more often than we know …
And as that had once been true of the way
My brain had processed emotion …
Intuition suggests that, today, when push comes to shove
Two heads, on the same wave length, may be better than one when
Brainstorming toward solutions to life's complexities proves necessary …
And that's most especially true when balance in all things refers to
Balancing an emotion like fear with logic based in common sense
Bottomline, though your comfort zone may not be in sync with mine
We may actually, eventually, reach the same destination—
Wherever that may be—at different times—by tapping into
The magic inherent in both minds :)

Though Will's flight landed at our mutual destination later than mine
We'd both readily accepted that reality for these reasons:

December 2013
Whoops!  Guess who just stuck his head in to remind me of the time?
David, whom I'm about to drive to the airport, because another short but sweetly memorable time of enjoying each other's company has come to an end—until next time :)

882 NGUOUY PART 46 YOUNGEST SON …

December 2013
David flew in last night … suggesting
Today offers promise of
Joyful memories in the making
And with thoughts of creating
Joyful memories with loved ones whenever possible
I hope you'll understand why it seems best
To press pause on packing inner strengths for the coast
Until we meet, tomorrow :)
Wishing you a sunny day, wherever you may be ...
Your forever friend,
:) Annie

881 NGUOUY PART 45 AN EVENING OF INTIMATE, HEARTFELT CONNECTION …

Let me start by saying that crazy things happened to this post while I was writing it.  And to show you how disoriented my mind felt while these strange things were taking place, I've decided not to rearrange any sentences, which had somehow been saved in a disorganized state.  Tomorrow, I'll offer an explanation as well as insight into that which seemingly flew in from out of the blue, disrupting the peaceful state of my pattern of writing.  As for now, all I'll say is that there's a place for chaos in every life for this reason:  Chaos is actually a sign that some aspect of growth is processing through necessary stages of change.  And once you can pinpoint where growth is taking place, chaos can be seen as progress—you know, like peering into a cocoon before the butterfly is ready to take wing.  And having planted that thought in your mind and mine, I hope you'll agree to simply go with the uneven flow while reading this post, as I did while writing it, for this reason:  Situations, which at first seem crazy, tend to make sense when our sense of awareness, concerning the complexities of life and love, deepens :)

If you've ever wondered how it feels to live with a cock-eyed optimist, I can tell you one thing for certain:  No one who dwells under our roof feels down in the dumps, overlong.  At least that's been true ever since the positive focus bug spied me swaying, back and forth, on my royal blue, pillowy patio swing.  As a direct result of having been bitten by this bug, I couldn't help but sneeze my philosophy of life, all around town.  Eventually, as one year rolled into the next, thousands of folk, who'd enrolled in my classes and opened their minds to absorbing five simple tools, which turn frowns into smiles, implored me to write my stories until, finally, my mind felt inspired to breathe life into this blog :) 

Though I write about developing a healthy awareness concerning the ways in which vulnerabilities and strengths fit into the greater scheme of fantasy vs. reality—I enjoy the fact that many peg me as being an outgoing, exceptionally social, positively focused, Pollyana kind of person, both professionally and personally.  On the other hand, reality has blown me over enough times to have inspired the introspective side of my mind to demand equal space inside my head, which is why this cock-eyed optimist's heartfelt outlook on life has come to value the concept of balance in all things—suggesting that I openly express moments of sadness along with experiences, which buoy my spirit with boundless expressions of joy.  If you scratch your head while asking whether any middle ground exists inside my mind, I'd reply:  Middle ground is where my memories are stored—and since it's my choice to recall which memories to withdraw, most especially when my heart is in need of healing, it's my habit to set aside memories of sadness in favor of revisiting countless moments when my spirit had reason to soar with excitement, born of pure joy.  I guess you could say it's the Pollyana side of me that fervently believes in Annie's song:  The Sun Will Come Out, Tomorrow :)

As those of you who've come to know me intimately might agree, this cockeyed optimistic trait of mine is not irrational, at all, and I honestly declare that to be true with eyes open wide for this reason:  My NGU sense of optimism is not based in make believe but rather in another trait that I've worked tirelessly to develop—namely, self trust—which continues to deepen for this reason:  Each time I work to attain a long range goal, which, being beyond my reach, makes doubtful Thomas's nudge each other while rolling their eyes, the wider grows my Mona Lisa smile.  Why?  Because—just as I imagine how many eyes must have rolled before an Earthling was actually launched into space, landed on target and took a small step for wo/mankind while shaking hands with the man in the moon—I imagine my present endeavors proving successful as the magical (creative) side of my mind moves forward along this positively focused path, one infintesimal step at a time  :)

Seriously, have you got a clue as to what unexpected miraculous adventure the future may hold for you?  I certainly don't.  Even so, each time I awaken to a new day, guess who's hoping for the best?  Yep!  Yours truly :)

So okay, now that I've gotten this positively focused philosophizing bug out of my system, let's get on to crazy stuff that took place while I was writing NGUOUY Part 45:

July 2013 On most occasions when we four gather for dinner
I am really bummed!  Really bummed! Can you guess why?
While editing this post, the first half of it magically disappeared!
I know it was magic at work, because
One second all of my input was on my screen; then—
Poof!  the first half was gone, no puff of smoke or
Any lingering sign of its prior existence to be seen …
Suddenly, this brings to mind the day I lost my dad …
Though this beloved person is no longer in my presence  …
My spirit senses the presence of his spirit smiling while
His arms open wide, welcoming me to
Glide lovingly into the warmth of his embrace
And while this magical train of thought
Runs through the imaginative side of my mind
I picture us holding each other so close as to
Feel the beat of each other's heart ...
And somehow …
As I feel so enveloped within his love
My longing for this irreplaceable person feels momentarily assuaged
And as long as my soul feels contentedly connected with his
All is well with my little corner of the world, suggesting that …
All of me feels so deeply loved by my loved one that
My mind fills with inner peace
And thus do I rest my case, concerning
The magical, enchanting nature of my mind—and yours :)

On this day when Will and I are about to impart
Unwelcome news to our second born son
The sun, which rises in the east, is in the process of setting in the west
And as I stand, looking out of the wall of floor to ceiling windows
That run all along the west side of our living room
My heart can't help but smile as my mind's eye absorbs
The magnetic power of today's glorious sunset ...
Sweeping across the desert sky …
Changing colors, magically before my eyes
And as the majestic nature of Mother Nature's magnificent sunset
Couples with the fact that Steven will soon
Walk through our front door
A memory of another magical moment with Steven comes to mind:
My twenty two year old son, soon to graduate from college
Is about to move into the very apartment that
I had just moved out of ...
And as we are in my car
Transporting my clothing from this apartment—
Which had sheltered my heart during a very sad time—
Back to my bedroom closet in our family's home
Steven, who is driving, gazes up at
The burning hues of color painted across
The magnificence of that early evening's desert sky
And signaling me to connect with the magical nature
Of this fleeting moment in time, which
Charms both mother and son
I find myself in speechless agreement
When Steven breaks the silence by saying:
This incredible sunset must be God's way of saying …
Sorry for have given you such a goddamned hot, dusty day!
And while that twenty year old memory
Lingers in this evening's hot summer air
The doorbell rings, restoring my awareness to the present
And after hugging Celina and Steven close to my heart
We three walk somberly through the living room and dining room
To find Will, who is sitting, holding his book
In his favorite chair, situated in the library/family room/kitchen
Next thing we know, we four are taking turns
Hugging each other so close as to feel the beat of each other's hearts
Each time we come together for dinner
Celina and I enjoy a glass of wine
Her preference red, my preference white
Tonight is different from all other nights for this reason:
Wine is poured and downed, all around
Then, refilling our glasses (not our common practice)
We four move as one into our living room with
No thoughts of watching T.V.
After Will replaces CD's on our stereo
Surround sound drowns out much of
The tension in the air by
Freshening our spirits with upbeat lyrics
(This surprises me, because, generally
I'm the one who floats music through the air; but then
We're always surprised by unexpected changes, right?)
Celina and Steven are sitting on their favorite love seat
Will and I are side by side on the couch when
My husband holds forth his glass of wine as do we three
And after Will pointedly toasts to good health
All four glasses come together with a solid clink as though
Signaling Will to express aloud that which
Everyone is quietly waiting to hear him say
And after listening intently to everything Will needs to say
Steven and Celina ask pertinent questions
To Which Will offers heartfelt, yet, professional answers
As for me, my mind's eye moves from one to another
Observing mortality's vulnerability gaining strength from
Eye to eye contact deepening
Heart to heart intimate connection with loved ones
And if you ask why I believe that's true, I'd reply:
It's clear that the heaviness of all four spirits
Feeling so lovingly supportive and supported
Are somehow lightening up
So that before too long …
Everyone's standing, and once again, hugging, before
Migrating, with arms wound round each other's waists
Into the kitchen where we're eating (who knows what?)
Smiling, laughing—suggesting that
Life is doing what it always does best when
The positive focus bug is biting—
Life is buoying our family toward whatever the future may hold
In our one-for-all-and-all-for-one fashion …
And at this evening's end
Will and I hug Celina and Steven good night at our door
Then, while holding each other before falling asleep,
My husband and I reassure each other that
They'll keep this news under their hats until
We return from imparting unwelcome information to their brothers …
And just before we drift off, like two spoons in a drawer
I think of how often life offers each of us
Reason to fortify our spirits with hearty injections
Of fully baked strengths, because …
God—it's hard to be bearers of bad tidings to those we love most …
Then, thank goodness, the postive focus bug bites me, again
Causing that last heavy thought to switches tracks …
And as my mind concentrates on the inner strengths of our sons
The smile in my heart pushes fear to one side
In favor of falling alseep more peacefully
Than had been true the night before …
Next up—Having packed
Plenty of inner strengths and postively focused attitudes
Will and I fly to the coast …

PS  I've changed my mind
No reason to explain how this post got crazy—
Suffice to say that it did :)

880 NGUOUY Part 44 WHAT HAPPENS AFTER MY SPIRIT EMOTES EMOTION NATURALLY?

I'd learned to impart information, which I'd considered vital to my sons' well being, to each one, individually, for this reason:  Whenever I'd spoken to them as a group, I'd watched their minds bend toward invoking group mentality, suggesting a tendency to listen and react as a united front.  On the other hand, upon approaching each one separately, I'd observe that the intelligent minds of my beloved sons open more readily to consider insights into life or love that their 'life coach' felt an instinctive need to impart.

As this habit of taking turns, speaking and listening respectfully, one on one, had shaped up when my sons were quite young, a sense of open, honest intimacy had developed between parent and child … and as each spent years practicing five simple tools, which iron out wrinkles that classically arise in families throughout the world, all three grew skilled at resolving conflicts with each other as peaceably as they'd practiced upholding the value of mutual respect with me.

At any rate, while I'm working to recover my ability to speak evenly, Steven's mind has instinctively sensed tension, suggesting unknown danger closing in, and having keyed into my wave length, my intuitive son breaks the silence with:  Mom, something's wrong, right?

The fact that I'm angry with myself (because it's not our way to impart this kind of news to our sons on the phone) does not inspire my composure to repair.  As another moment of silence passes, Steven's need to know what's wrong intensifies:  Mom, are you asking us to dinner, because of something you need to say?

Steven—Dad and I had planned to tell you, together.
(Woman plans and God laughs …)

Mom, you're not going to make me go through the rest of today worrying about what you and Dad plan to tell us, tonight, right? ...

Of course, he's right
As the crack in my composure has let the cat's tail out of the bag
I have no choice but to answer tension in my son's tone with the truth, which he's grown accustomed to receiving from me
Steven—Dad has prostate cancer
And with that, danger leaps from the bag, free to lunge ...
Prostate ... cancer?  Oh God ...
Steven's recoiled reaction is followed by moments of silence in which
The Line of Control is practiced on both sides while bad news is absorbed
We'll be over, tonight, Mom
Yes.  Okay.  I love you, Steven
I love you, too
Steven—please don't say anything to anyone until
Dad says whatever he needs to say
Of course, Mom.  I get it.  Do Barry and David know?
Not yet.  We're flying to the coast, this weekend—
I didn't want to tell you on the phone …
I know that, Mom—it's okay … really ... I understand ... Pause ...
Thanks, Steven ...
Of course ... Pause ...
Taking in unwelcome news of cancer is no easy thing …
No matter how strong one's outer shield proves to be, there
Are times when everyone's sense of courage feels rattled to the core …
Most especially when mortality is the name of the game …
See you later, Mom
See you later, Steven  …

Upon placing the cordless landline on the kitchen table, I sit down, heavily, feeling frustrated with myself.  Where was my line of control when I'd needed to cloak my fear?

Though that was my first thought, thank goodness, my second thought knows to switch tracks.  So, my mind keys into brainstorming:  Frustration will not encourage me to do better, next time.  So, rather than flogging myself for having emoted emotion, naturally, I need to fortify my sense of courage, consciously.

As this train of thought switches tracks from negatively focused, self flagellation toward positively focused, solution seeking mode, my energy source stands up and while placing the phone in its receiver, insight redirects my mind toward strengthening my sense of courage for this reason:  Everyone's strength of spirit has sound reason to flatten, now and then.  on the other hand, what is past is past, and attitude is a matter of choice, suggesting that change for the better lies directly ahead …

Though you'll watch me do better with Barry and David, initially, over time, my role of supportive leadership will take an unexpected turn when emotional turbulence spins my little corner of the world upside down, proving, yet again, that God laughs while men and women, regardless of age, plant fantasies inside our naive, little heads … fantasies, suggesting that good things last forever—good things, like fountains of youth showering loved ones with ever-lasting good health—until a stiff shot of reality leaps out of the bag, ties your heart into knots, knocks the breath out of your body and no matter how hard you deny deeper truth, that harsh light of reality penetrates conscious awareness, at last.

It's come to my awareness that we must garner a host of inner strengths, which must be fully baked if one is to accept reality over fantasy of our own making.  If it's true that time heals all wounds, then with time, that which is not ours to have and to hold will fade into the past—unless, you, like me, choose to remain addicted to hope.  You see, it's hope that recharges my connection to positive focus, which suggests that that which is not ours to have and to hold, today, may, in some magical way, become ours—some day.  And as trains of thought like this one inspire my spirit to smile, I've come to place as high a value upon my positively focused imagination as I place a high value upon seeking insight into a host of mystifying complexities, concerning love and life.  :)
P.S.  I wonder if you can name my energy source?
P.S.S.  I gave you lots of really great hints throughout today's post :) 

879 NGUOUY Part 43 WILL AND I SENSITIZE TELLING FAMILY AND CLOSEFRIENDS …

Now that Will and I have created a plan of action for ourselves, we consider how best to strengthen our sons by encircling them within a sense familial safety while imparting news that no one wants to hear.

As our second born son, Steven and his wife, Celina, live in town and as it's our habit to relate bad news to loved ones in person, whenever possible, we plan to invite them to dinner and break the news while all four of us are together.  In this way, they can absorb unwelcome information, ask questions, and then garner support from each other on their way home.

As to breaking this news as gently as possible to our eldest, Barry, and youngest, David, well, luckily, we'd planned to fly to the coast that very weekend.  Actually, originally, I'd planned to spend time with our sons, celebrating Ray's third birthday; Will had planned to stay home for this reason:  I travel to see my mom, monthly, and though we both long to see our sons as often as possible … airline and hotel fees quickly add up to thousands, and Will plans to retire at this year's end, so his mind reacts with anxiety to 'the unknown', lying directly ahead.  (Memory bank withdrawal:  Will's mind is fielding referred fear from his youth when his mom worked four jobs, because money was tight after serious illness, lingering over a span of six years, resulted in his father's early demise … As for me, I understand Will's fear for this reason:  My dad's store burned down when I was a teen, and upon offering him several hundred dollars saved from my summer job, I'll never forget how it felt to see my beloved father break down and cry … So Will's fear of financial change inspires mine to rise anew, except for this fact—my dad recovered his sense of financial security, so my fear did not run so deep as to stop me from flying, quite often, to enjoy time with loved ones.)

When Will tells Barry he'll not accompany me, Barry, knowing our history, says:  Okay Dad, I understand.  Next thing we know, our kind-hearted son makes an independent decision in that a plane ticket for his dad is sent to my email address after I'd forwarded my flight info to him.  And as our minds fill with thoughts of Barry's generosity of spirit offering this heartfelt gift of love, Will and I acknowledge countless reasons to share deeply gratified smiles now that we're both flying to the coast … And if a huge sigh of relief escapes from deep within me that's because somewhere deep inside, I 'knew' I'd not have left Will's side to have fun with two of our sons, who, like Steven and Celina, are still innocent of their father's brand new battle with cancer.  As you shall see, Will's cancer is catalyzing changes within me—some of which will be cause for confusion while other changes ring out clear as a bell—for example, my feeling free to leave Will to fend for himself any time before and for some time after his surgery will prove utterly impossible …

Next on our cancer-to-do list:  Arrange to meet Celina and Steven for dinner ...

While dialing Steven's cell, I consciously steel my mind to invoke inner strength and reveal naught but an invite to dinner.  My son lifts his cell from his pocket and after checking caller ID, he offers me a cheerful, Hi Mom.  After exchanging the usual pleasantries, I ask about dinner.  No can do ... I'm swamped at the office, working late.  Nope, tomorrow night we have plans.  Let's set it up tentatively for the night after that—I'll ask Celina and get back to you—as this is not going as I'd hoped—I feel my resolve to muster strength begin to crack—and as resolve cracks, so does my voice—and with a mental stamp of my foot, I silently admonish myself—Damn it, Annie—don't cry!  Seriously, I've not cried, yet, and this is no time to start, so while I'm working to grasp at a deeper sense of courage, moments of silence shoot across the wireless connection as though conjoining our minds, sparking Steven's intuition to tap more deeply into his sense of awareness, and as my son's attitude switches to my wave length, his tone changes, instinctively, from breezily carefree to listening carefully, because suddenly, he's 'on it':  Mom—is everything all right?

878 A TRIO OF FUNNY XMAS STORIES :)

FUNNY FAMILY STORY #1
Four year old Steven is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall
(Yes, it's true … good little Jewish boys and girls long to see Santa, too!
I mean, who wouldn't like to believe that if you're good, really really good, then all your wishes will come true ... right?)
When Santa asks:  What shall I bring you for Xmas?
Clear as a bell, Steven declares:  Nothing!
Santa is certainly surprised, so he asks:
Nothing?  Why nothing?  Aren't you a good boy?
Yes! responds Steven—But I'm a good Jewish boy!
Santa couldn't wait to get the next child in line on his lap …
That child was Barry, who made Santa happy by rattling off his list of desires :)


FUNNY FAMILY STORY #2 :)
Chanukah is over, and it's Xmas eve.
I walk into six year old Barry's room to kiss him goodnight.  I'm surprised to see all of his Chanukah gifts piled up on the carpet in the center of his room.

What's this? I ask.
Well, if I give all of my presents away, Santa will think I'm such a good boy that he'll come to our house, tonight …

Oy ... 
I sit down on Barry's bed and while sweeping a dark lock of hair off his forehead, I reassure my young son, again, that Santa is a fantasy … that Christian parents buy Xmas presents just like Jewish parents buy Chanukah gifts.

After leaning over to kiss my sweet son, good night, I walk to the door of his room, and upon turning to smile at him before turning off the light, my first born asks:  Mom, who told Santa I'm Jewish?

I've shared this trio of stories in class after class, year after year, when parents lament that older children tell younger siblings Santa doesn't exist.  And once all three stories have been told, I smile and finish by saying:  Children will believe what they want to believe no matter how we try to replace fantasy with reality … and actually, the same is true of adults :)

BTW, as with many stories that had originally seemed wistful rather than funny, with the passage of time, we tend to laugh at the truth ... And upon looking back, today, at yesterday's childlike longings, Barry, a true romantic in every way, smiles at the depth of his need to believe that Santa should have stopped at every home to grant heartfelt wishes where good boys and good girls had learned to offer kindness for kindness, early on.  And wouldn't it be fitting if, when good girls and boys grew into the kind of adults, who considered the needs of loved ones over their own desires, some how, at some time in the far future, in some magical way, those heartfelt desires actually came true ... I mean isn't a heartfelt belief as powerful as that what positive focus is truly about? :)

FUNNY FAMILY STORY #3 :)
David is four.  We are in a mall where little, old ladies keep asking him if he's been a good boy, so Santa will stop at his house.  David attends a Jewish pre school and feels 'fusterated' with my suggestion that he respect kindness with kindness by smiling and responding as his brother, Steven, had:  Yes, I'm a good boy but I'm Jewish.  I celebrate Chanukah.

Within minutes, another lady asks David if he's been a good boy.  At this, my  small son stamps his foot and admonishes her with his own interpretation of his brother's words:  I'm a Jewish little boy!  We don't celebrate Xmas!!  Feeling rebuffed, the lady huffs away.  I remind David, kindness with kindness ...

Before too long, yet another lady, who means well, smiles and when she asks David the Santa question, I hold my breath until my son looks up at me and then smiles up at her while saying:   No Santa for me… I'm a good little Jewish boy.  When she laughs, pats him on the head and continues on her way, I smile widely at David and commend his kind response.  Then it's my turn to laugh when when my four year old tyke replies:  Dont worry, Mommy.  I wanted to kick her, but I remembered what you said. :) :)

Several days after our experience in the mall, we are hosting a Chanukah party for our neighbors, most of whom are not Jewish.  I remind four year old David about kindness for kindness.  The doorbell rings. David runs to the front door.  Upon swinging the door open, we greet the four Ivonelli children and their parents, and before I get a chance to welcome them inside, David springs in front of me and raising his arm, my son directs his pointer finger straight at all six of our next door neighbors while I hear these words fly out of his mouth:  This is a Chanukah party so don't give me any of that Merry Xmas stuff!!!

This leaves me speechless until I watch all six Ivonelli's break up into hysterical laughter.  You see, all of the kids on the block know how 'fusterated' David feels about the holidays, so our dear friends had planned to wish him Merry Xmas right off the bat—but my independently minded, good, little boy beat them to the punch—and every year when the holidays rolled around, our two families laughed, together, while retelling that story, which had provided so much pleasure, all around …

So, no matter which of many holidays you celebrate,  I'd like to wish a wondrously Happy Holiday Season and a very healthy New Year to one and all in hopes that you are offering kindness for kindess wherever in this wide, wide world your home may be, and perhaps, with positive focus intact, kindness for kindness may, one day, grant us all the long range goals of good will toward wo/man and peace on Earth ... And what I ask, could feel better than that!!
Warm hugs,
Your friend, Annie :) :) :)

877 NGUOUY Part 41 WHAT PART DOES INTUITION PLAY IN DECISION MAKING FOR ME?

I wonder how often intuition channels unconscious memory directing my conscious mind to choose this over that ... 

For example, during the weeks leading up to Mom's party, intuition continues to signal me not to defer to Will, who, in truth, can't really see into me.  And unfortunately, at the outset of this bout with inner conflict, I can't see into me, clearly—until inner conflict escalates into personal crises, which offers me sound reason to dive more deeply into my mind than ever before … 

Yesterday, I asked you to open your memory bank and withdraw the meaning of NGUOUY.  In the interest of time, I'll answer that riddle, right now:
NGUOUY:  Never give up on understanding yourself—
Or more to the point—
NGUOUY suggests that we never give up diving more deeply into our think tanks where subconscious treasure lies in wait to rise to the surface of conscious awareness, concerning when it proves wise to take our own counsel rather than deferring to the judgment of those whose experiences differ from your own …

If asked to express that which creates times of personal crises for me, I'd reply:  Inner conflict develops into personal crises at those times when my most heartfelt values clash, like a pair of discordant cymbals, inside my head.  And peace of mind cannot replace fear of crises until one personal need rises above all other needs that act like a bunch of unruly jumping beans, creating so much internal commotion as to jangle nerves of steel.

That last train of thought, concerning identifying clashing values and prioritizing basic needs, inspires me to offer up two additional riddles:

Can you name two heartfelt values that cause inner conflict to escalate into personal crises when they clash discordantly, overlong?

Can you name one classic need that reigns over all others?

Hint:  As both riddles have been answered in former posts, please consult memory banks.  If memory bank is acting like a tightly locked vault with a misplaced key ... it's imperative that you find this key to understanding your deeper needs, because memories, weighted with combustible, emotional consternation, which remain buried within deep pockets of your subconscious, may influence more of your decisions, today, than you know.  And thus decisions, which you believe logical may actually be based in subconscious emotional turbulence more often than you consciously know ... 

I hope this post clarifies my reason for wondering how often intuition reflects subconscious memory directing my conscious mind to choose 'this over that' before inner conflict develops into personal crises, threatening to explode, like severely shaken TNT, all over my neat and tidy, logically minded, carefully mapped out life ... Whew!

BTW ... If you think I had any clue upon awakening that my subconscious had need to release these thoughts by compelling my conscious mind to pen this post before arising from my bed to begin my good morning, grooming routine, please think again :)

Last train of thought for today:
If intuition compels your adult mind to uncover truths, buried in your subconscious, because these truths had proved too painful to acknowledge during youth, then you, like me, may feel the need to excavate 'forgotten' experiences that proved too confounding for the vulnerable mind of a child to comprehend … and if that's not true of you, but you suspect early childhood trauma may have caused a loved one to have lost slices of self esteem then perhaps you can be intrumental in guiding that young person to identify and straighten out confused aspects of self esteem many years earlier than that which has only recently proved strengthening for me :)

The greatest gift of friendship is offering your loved ones both love and space to feel free to be you and me without pointing fingers of defensive judgement ... And offering love, free of negatively focused judgment calls, is the healthiest, most wholesome love of all ...

876 NGUOUY. Part 40 DECISION-MAKING MODE

Retrospectively:
Will's physical with his internist is in June
Will returns to internist's office after psa shows significant rise
Will is referred to Dr. B
Will's nodule is felt
Will's biopsies take place on July 16th
Will and I meet with Dr. B after sixteen biopsies prove malignant
Six weeks after that appointment is Sept. 10th
Sept. 10th is the day Dr. B suggests for Will's surgery
Sept. 9th is my mother's birthday
If Will has surgery on the 10th, he'll not be healed
In time to fly to mom's gala celebration on Sept 21st
Though I want to be at Mom's party …
I'll not leave my husband so soon after his surgery
Though this next decision is not discussed in Jerry's office …
I won't consider postponing Mom's celebration for this reason:
My mom is one hundred years old …
At one hundred years of age it's not wise to postpone—Anything
Most especially anything as significant as honoring a
Gala celebration of 100 years of a beloved life … so …
It's easy to see how inner conflict exaserbates emotional turbulence …
Even so—intution signals this feeling to rise above all others:
It's impossible for me to leave Will—who reacts as though …
His intuition is empowered to read my mind …
Because here is what I hear my husband say:
Will:  I'll postpone having surgery till after Mom's party
Annie:  I don't want you to wait one day longer than necessary
Will:  If I was at Mayo, we'd be waiting two extra weeks, anyway
Jerry:  Two weeks should make no difference …
Will:  Then it's settled; let's schedule the surgery for after the party
Annie:  Will, if you're doing this for me, this is not what I want—I
Worry about the bulge at the margin metastasizing—
I want the cancer gone
Will:  I've loved your mother as if
She'd been my own since I was nineteen—
This decision is my call, Annie.
I, versed in problem-ownership, cannot not disgree
I think Will is incredible, but my mind is not at rest …
Why not?
One side of my mind defers; the other wants its voice to be heard
I choose to go with the side that sees Will's decision as incredible
Why do I view Will's decision as incredible … Well ...
Mom has just begun to talk to my husband after
Refusing to be in his presence for the past five years—
(Another story to post at another time …) 
At any rate, here is the plan that shapes up while
One side of my mind defers quietly to Will … because
At this moment in time, I agree that
Today's decision, concerning scheduling his surgery
Is my husband's call to make … sooo
We'll fly to be with Mom, as planned, on Sept. 17th
Mom's 100th gala celebration of life will take place on Sept. 21st
We'll fly home on Sept. 22nd
Will will prep for surgery on Sept. 23rd
Dr. B pencils Will in for surgery on Tuesday, Sept. 24th
Will will get his second, third and fourth opinions ASAP
If Will decides on robotic surgery, his surgery with Dr. B will be cancelled.
Dr. B suggests scheduling the surgery, now, for this reason:
His surgical schedule is quick to fill up.
And though he doesn't perform surgery on Tuesdays …
He'll make an exception in order to get Will in right after Mom's party.
This man with the sterling reputation is an incredible human being
Both men are incredible human beings, right?
Though I quietly acknowledge this fact …
My mind is far from at ease
Why?
I really don't want Will to wait one day more
Than the six weeks, which proves absolutely necessary …
Why not?  Am I being stubborn?  Fragile?  Weak?  I think not …
I am not at rest with this plan that shapes up because of what I see …
If you ask what I see, every day, that most others do not, I'd reply:
I see my husband quietly staring off into space …
I see his eyes and spirit go flat …
Though Will does not show the depths of his vulnerability to others
I am aware, each and every day, of how much
Vulnerability and the waiting game stress strong-minded souls …
I remember, as does Will that ...
Three of my husband's colleagues died of this disease …
Please do not mistake my anxiety or Will's as negative focus gaining control
Anxiety, shown or not, is a natural reaction to this waiting game ...
Especially when the name of the game is: Gambling with Mortality
Oh yes—one more thing:
I'll never forget the level of stress I'd held inside
During the weeks leading up to the day of my brain surgery …
Though I did not lose my smile … because that's my way ...
At times, I'd stand up from a reclining position, feel faint and
Quietly, sink to the floor, so labored had been my breathing …

PS
I wonder if you remember what NGUOUY stands for?