737 RULES BEND, VALUES REMAIN UNTARNISHED :)

I remember, several years back, when a friend felt so unhappy in her marriage for so long that separation seemed the only option left.  Why the only option left?  for sound reason.  You see, her husband, who'd been laid off from work, lay prone on the couch, day after day, for many months, giving her the silent treatment while refusing her pleas to accompany her when she chose to seek professional help.  In due time, the weight of her husband's depression caused my friend to fear for her sanity, and after seeking help for herself, the probability of divorce loomed large.

I remember feeling troubled during the months when my friend and her husband were courting, and when their engagement was announced, my innermost thought was a foreboding sense of this couple's not being well matched ... Though opposites attract,their emotional climate seemed as unlike as equator and North Pole.

Though my sixth sense proved sound, concerning their hearts, minds and spirits being separate from the start, their bodies were stuck in the same small apartment, because a man, lying prone on a couch can't afford to live on his own.  and though my friend was an exceptionally bright graduate of a prestigious university, she couldn't afford two places, so for quite a while, stalemate had been the name of the game.  Over time, my friend, a tall, slender, beautiful, vivacious, sad and lonely, graceful woman with many attributes and interests ... met a guy, who, matching her out going nature, dried her tears, reviving a passionate sparkle in her lovely, wide eyes.

Be careful, I cautioned.
Don't sleep with Prince Charming till you no longer live with your husband,
Why not?  Our marriage is over.
Over's not over till you've file for divorce from vows previously made.  Sleep with the prince while still living with another and one day, in anger, prince may throw adultery, like a pie, into your face.  Controlling passion till papers are filed may save you tons of unforeseen grief, down the road.

What made me offer my friend this unsolicited advice?  I'd had reason to make a study of human nature ... Twas not unlikely that Prince Charming might bite if anger got the best of his tongue.  In addition to that, I was a bit further along in life than my friend and knew that separation takes place for many reasons, suggesting that all separations do not end in divorce.  My love for my friend felt the sheltering need to caution her to set out on this new and exciting adventure with some semblance of self restraint in hopes of ensuring that one day she'd not have reason to look back with regret.  Do I know if she followed my lead?  Nope.  Though I'd felt responsible, as loving friend, to offer food for thought, prying into her decision stretched beyond the limits of whatever she might deem private, concerning intimacy, so Having said my piece, I chose to offer another adult adequate space to consider which values to embrace as her own.

When considering rules of behavior while separated,  for the most part, that's where the X factor comes in, because .... no rules exist ... Sooo at first glance, one might say that individuals are left to fly by the seat of their pants unless we stop consider this next train of thought ... (You knew a dissertation was bound to pop out of my mind, right?   Somehow, my sixth sense seems to know when a door inside my mind is about to blow open ... so here comes I-know-not-what :) :) :)

Recently, I was asked whether a couple, who splits up, gets a free hall pass during separation.  That question caused my friend's situation to emerge from memory.  While considering my answer, the following train of thought chugged forth from the depths of my mind:

By the time we are adults, our brains contain a set of personal values, indicating 'right from wrong', which imprints inside our heads during childhood.  As children, we're expected to adhere to our parents' values or else the Godlike presence of parental anger may scare us into submission.  As teens we're expected to test those values, which would limit us into developing into our parents' clones.  As adults we adhere to certain values, rooted during childhood, until personal experience offers us reason to question and expand upon that which we'd been taught is right or wrong, early on.  Each time inner conflict arises, parental values, societal values and existential values are at odds within one's mind.  And that's true at every stage of life.

It takes a strong spirit to so much as bend custom (Orthodox leaning toward experimentally mixing milk with meat). If a strong spirit bends custom, a stronger spirit breaks it (orthodox marrying conservative).  TIs one thing to bend or even break a rule.  TIs another to break a rule so grave as to break with the fold.  (Mormon parents, excommunicated and torn from their children for supporting a rebellious teen aged son, whom the elders have driven off and left on the side of the road to fend for himself.). Most of the time the X factor that causes us to follow rules is fear of personal loss.  Loss of the esteem of others.  Loss of self esteem.

As rules establish a sense of order, they are a necessary component of balance.  When no rules exist, such as with separation, we are left to create our own.  Yet, even decisions as personal as creating rules that govern oneself are based in one's past for this reason:  Each person's rules are most usually determined by morality's sliding scale concerning that which constitutes the limits of 'your' comfort zone vs. 'mine'.  This is where the bell shaped curve and the time line come into play.

Hardworking liberals painstakingly pulling the mass of traditionalists, who comprise the bulk of the bell shaped curve, forward on the time line create societal change.  Reactionaries, who draw back at the rear, are necessary to create the perfect balance of the bell's stability.  As all aspects of society are necessary for stability, who am I to judge the values of another ... unless their acts are harmfully heinous.

I remember once stating that many friends and family members feel safe, confiding in me.  In early years, secrets divulged shocked my sense of right and wrong.  Not so any more.  I came to understand emotional drama on a much deeper level, especially after my spirit had need to break with the fold.  In the months leading up to our separation, disparity in our values magnified and clarified in surprising ways.  Strengths and vulnerabilities emerged on both sides in 3D.

Friends showed their true colors.  Extended family took sides ... Thank goodness, our sons remained neutral as true to the way they'd been raised, to ask pertinent questions and collect data instead of judging rashly, spontaneously.  I believe neutrality was maintained, because adultery did not occur on either side.

Young, inexperienced and confused as they were, instinct suggested no one was all right or all wrong.  One parent's mind had chosen to grow out-of-the-box, expansively while the other's needs had remained limited and restrained, pointing as clear as day to why one parent's spirit was literally dying for release.

Simply put, reading had offered me reason to reconsider certain values, suggesting that, to some extent, values exist in a gentle, thoughtful state of flux ... except for one ... my sense of self respect could not break a rule so solemn as to have been deemed a vow.  Why not?  For many reasons.  First being trust in myself to know myself.  Second being trust in my understanding why I had no choice left other than to leave my home and retrieve my spirit on my own. Third being a need to re-evaluate the ways in which personal growth had influenced necessary change, concerning my role in family life.

Until that time of personal crises, family came first—unquestionably.  That made me selfless.  However, once my needs had been consciously set aside and I was fully aware of being selfless, my lust for life sped downhill as fast an arrow, zinging through the air, targets the heart.

By the time I moved out of our home, I was numb to life.  No appetite, at all.  Literally feeling nothing, inside or out, my body shrunk to ninety pounds.  When asked about 'till death do we part—my response was spontaneous and sure—there are many ways to die—my spirit is dying, and I need to find out why.  Though that was all I knew at that time, I knew this without a doubt:  Moving out of an environment, which proved so unhealthy to my need for personal growth, was the right path—for me.

What I did not yet know was this:  Every decision I've ever made has taken the well being of my family into account and that continues to be true, today.  Somehow, I 'feel' to what extent a rule can bend before a breaking point is reached ...

While separated, I valued wedding vows taken as my own, and as we'd not yet filed for divorce, I considered myself married, because that was the simple truth.  As my time in the apartment was spent getting to know parts of my character that I'd never had the courage to see, I did not offer myself a hall pass while living apart.  Secondly, our children, who were utterly shocked, had never watched over us as closely as they did from their dorm rooms, all around the country.  We each received three calls, every night.  As a family, we always were healthy and tight, and the same is true, today.

I believe most separations play out differently than ours for this reason.  Though we experienced plenty of drama, every decision was based in logic, because—when confusion hits hard, it is my habit to hold off on decision making until insight into bigger pictures emerge and clarity is mine.

So much changed during the year, leading up to our separation, then again, during the months of separation and then again, for years after reconciling, as well.  Upon reflection, we might surmise that each time my spirit has taken a plunging descent into hell, my need for personal growth rises in direct proportion.  Bottom line, I'd not have returned had growth not occurred all around.

During that tumultuous time, we all experienced personal growth spurts while learning to discern how family values must interlace with existential beliefs if each individual is to grow in healthy ways.  After all, everything that lives and breathes grows and thrives or shrinks into retreat, and as each of our spirits experienced the latter, I know without a doubt the importance of adhering to a path that leads toward exciting growth by conscious choice.

As no person's path is the same as another's, I wonder if Alicia, THE GOOD WIFE, would have acted on her passion for Will had she not been living separate from Peter?  Though I don't know enough about Alicia's core values to make that call, I do know this:  If Alicia had determined it ok to sleep with Will because Peter cheated, I'd have lost respect for a person resorting to reaction rather than choosing to differentiate her value system from one that she viewed with distain.  If asked my opinion, it's one thing to spent time with a person held in high esteem and quite another to consciously choose to break vows.

I've learned, first hand, to value the needs of my spirit, as primary to my continued good health.  Each time life offers me reason to consider my path, memory reminds how shocked I was to see my spirit deflate—twice—as twice is more than enough experience for me, I've learned to focus on clarity, suggesting that when clarity is intact, my path will not fog up to such an extent that my sense of logic cannot figure out how to resolve conflicts—which are bound to arise—given time.  And at times, the conflict I refer to is not one that arises with another person but inner conflict that splits my state of mind into two parts.  And here's why I believe this path, where clarity and reality hold hands, is the true path for me:  I've come to see that bending long established 'rules' in order to value my spirit's good health has proven to take me where I most need to go without harming so much as a hair on the heads of those I love—and if history has a habit of repeating itself—and if this path finds me happy to the point of sparkling from deep inside my core, day by day—I figure so far so good :)

As to tomorrow—well, who knows what tomorrow has in store for us all?  If it's true that it's all we can do to live in the moment—and if I like myself—and love my life—and if my decisions allow me to sleep soundly at night—and if the future continues to look bright—and if with that, today's soliloquy seems to be winding down then on that up note—Nuff said for now :) :) :) ... Oh, wait!  One more thing—when it comes to receiving a hall pass during separation—well, personally, that would not work for me ... on the other hand ...

Since each person's comfort zone is one's own to determine, I can only speak for myself :)