My mind had need to percolate for a while before answering—this classic question—deposited into comment box earlier this week:
What might cause a grandma to turn away from grandchildren and great grandchildren?
What causes anyone to turn away instead of welcoming love with open arms?
The insidious nature of negatively focused attitudes, driven by fear ...
Do you know that scientific studies of the human brain have proven that a fear-based mindset loses sight of logic during conflict? Once fear squeezes all sense of logic into a corner of the mind, the only attitude that seems to make'sense' is based in defensiveness as in—agree with me or I don't believe you love me—you're 100% with me or I believe you're 100% against me.
It's also been proven that a mindset based in fear is controlled by a negatively focused attitude, which hides a person's insecurities behind a wide variety of defensive shields. Behind every defensive wall is a fear based ego that is nursing subconscious pain, left in an unidentified and thus, unhealed state from difficult relationships, past.
Past generations were not raised to keep psychological findings uppermost in their minds. So, it's likely that your grandma (like mine) has no clue that during her childhood her mind absorbed a difficult role model's autocratic, egocentric need to control the thoughts, feelings and decisions of others, suggesting that any opposing (rebellious) stance (most especially during times fraught with conflict), feels so disrespectful that punitive measures seem necessary, and that's why autocratic attitudes fuel power struggles that escalate into long-lasting family feuds.
When a mind functions autocratically, automatically, fear of change is a given for this reason: If the person harboring the autocratic mindset did not choose the change, subconscious anxiety arises, causing the conscious portion of that person's brain to feel unsafe. Therefore, anyone who courageously voices personal need for change, which conflicts with the needs of the matriarch or patriarch, will be viewed as a threat to the concept of hierarchy.
I'll bet your grandma has no clue of harboring this fear-based attitude: 'You're with me or against me'. If she was confronted with the autocratic nature of her mind set, I'll bet your grandma, like mine, would feel deeply insulted. Anyone who sees herself or himself as the family's matriarch or patriarch will expect you to follow their lead—no questions asked—suggesting why any person who harbors a narrow frame of mind, set in stone, will furiously deny any kernel of truth no matter how cautiously and respectfully you suggest discussing the immobility of a mindset that remains blindly rooted (and thus stuck) in values, which were upheld by generations, past. Mindsets, based in subconscious fear, do not expand.
Before asking you to consider mustering compassion for your grandma's inability to consider your needs, I'll ask her age. Though it's true that her reactionary nature confuses your mind and hurts your heart, it's important to note that your grandma's mind set was shaped by thought patterns, which had ruled the world during her youth. No matter how much love and attentiveness you offer, it's important to remember that the true culprit, pushing you away, proves to be an authoritative attitude that shapes trains of thought into mind sets, which have controlled your grandma's mental patterns for many decades before you and your children were born. Mental patterns, like habits, are very hard to break, and I have a feeling that your grandma may feel as sad about the chasm as is true of you.
You may remember reading previous posts expressing this scientific fact: As soon as fear-based anger grabs control over the brain, the Neo cortex (where logic and rational memory reside) shuts down. Once the Neo cortex shuts down, the brain resorts to emergency (survival) mode—fight, flee, freeze or fawn. Once logic is nowhere to be found, the ego feels free to alter any memory that does not sit comfortably inside the fearful person's brain. When a loved one transforms shared memories into bold face lies that shock you to your very core, it's highly possible that you are conversing with an ego so fearful of the truth that this person's false sense of personal safety depends upon plunging her/his mind into Denialand, where reality and falsehoods conjoin. Within this mental state of denial, conflicts remain unresolved, because two minds, engaged in power struggling, can't draw forth logical patterns of thought from memories, which remain defensively tied into deeply stressed, emotional knots.
Speaking as one who grew up with an autocratic Grandma, who lived in our home, and caused emotionally combustible upheaval, my sixth sense recognized my need to create a positive change while raising children of my own. While devising The Line of Control, I willed myself to read books, concerned with developing into a knowledgable leader, whose attachment to logic dominated my emotional reactions whenever conflicts arose between adults and children in my home. As every mind, regardless of age, was consciously taught to choose to set power struggling patterns aside in favor of adopting The Line of Control, emotional reactiveness, during times of conflict, relaxed; and as respect for each other's opinions remained on center stage, stress, boiling with anger, melted down, freeing intelligent minds to resolve conflicts logically, respectfully and peaceably.
Though it is sad to know that it's not within our power to expand the narrow mind sets of adults we love, it is heartening to note that each succeeding generation continues to absorb information concerning our need to become positively focused role models for children, who are destined to grow into tomorrow's world leaders, whose lead we will follow as the future unfolds, one day at a time. If it's true that: As we sow, so shall we reap, then disciplining your children respectfully will breed adults who are more inclined to treating you respectfully during your golden years when the well being of the older generation finds itself dependent upon attitudes absorbed when your offspring were young ... as in: What goes around, comes around.
Hopefully, once you've considered today's train of thought as a whole, this next prediction will lift your spirits: If, during the years that lay ahead, you choose to focus on your opportunity to raise a houseful of positively focused, respectful, future leaders then rather than carrying unhealed wounds from the past throughout your life, your understanding of—fight/flee/freeze/fawn vs accept-the-reality-that-children-need-to-grow-toward-independent thought—will encourage your mindset to demonstrate less need for outside validation, suggesting that when your children and grandchildren express existential needs that differ from your own, you're encouraging attitude will welcome change-for-the-better to bask in the warm sweetness of your loving embrace :)
What might cause a grandma to turn away from grandchildren and great grandchildren?
What causes anyone to turn away instead of welcoming love with open arms?
The insidious nature of negatively focused attitudes, driven by fear ...
Do you know that scientific studies of the human brain have proven that a fear-based mindset loses sight of logic during conflict? Once fear squeezes all sense of logic into a corner of the mind, the only attitude that seems to make'sense' is based in defensiveness as in—agree with me or I don't believe you love me—you're 100% with me or I believe you're 100% against me.
Past generations were not raised to keep psychological findings uppermost in their minds. So, it's likely that your grandma (like mine) has no clue that during her childhood her mind absorbed a difficult role model's autocratic, egocentric need to control the thoughts, feelings and decisions of others, suggesting that any opposing (rebellious) stance (most especially during times fraught with conflict), feels so disrespectful that punitive measures seem necessary, and that's why autocratic attitudes fuel power struggles that escalate into long-lasting family feuds.
When a mind functions autocratically, automatically, fear of change is a given for this reason: If the person harboring the autocratic mindset did not choose the change, subconscious anxiety arises, causing the conscious portion of that person's brain to feel unsafe. Therefore, anyone who courageously voices personal need for change, which conflicts with the needs of the matriarch or patriarch, will be viewed as a threat to the concept of hierarchy.
I'll bet your grandma has no clue of harboring this fear-based attitude: 'You're with me or against me'. If she was confronted with the autocratic nature of her mind set, I'll bet your grandma, like mine, would feel deeply insulted. Anyone who sees herself or himself as the family's matriarch or patriarch will expect you to follow their lead—no questions asked—suggesting why any person who harbors a narrow frame of mind, set in stone, will furiously deny any kernel of truth no matter how cautiously and respectfully you suggest discussing the immobility of a mindset that remains blindly rooted (and thus stuck) in values, which were upheld by generations, past. Mindsets, based in subconscious fear, do not expand.
Before asking you to consider mustering compassion for your grandma's inability to consider your needs, I'll ask her age. Though it's true that her reactionary nature confuses your mind and hurts your heart, it's important to note that your grandma's mind set was shaped by thought patterns, which had ruled the world during her youth. No matter how much love and attentiveness you offer, it's important to remember that the true culprit, pushing you away, proves to be an authoritative attitude that shapes trains of thought into mind sets, which have controlled your grandma's mental patterns for many decades before you and your children were born. Mental patterns, like habits, are very hard to break, and I have a feeling that your grandma may feel as sad about the chasm as is true of you.
You may remember reading previous posts expressing this scientific fact: As soon as fear-based anger grabs control over the brain, the Neo cortex (where logic and rational memory reside) shuts down. Once the Neo cortex shuts down, the brain resorts to emergency (survival) mode—fight, flee, freeze or fawn. Once logic is nowhere to be found, the ego feels free to alter any memory that does not sit comfortably inside the fearful person's brain. When a loved one transforms shared memories into bold face lies that shock you to your very core, it's highly possible that you are conversing with an ego so fearful of the truth that this person's false sense of personal safety depends upon plunging her/his mind into Denialand, where reality and falsehoods conjoin. Within this mental state of denial, conflicts remain unresolved, because two minds, engaged in power struggling, can't draw forth logical patterns of thought from memories, which remain defensively tied into deeply stressed, emotional knots.
Speaking as one who grew up with an autocratic Grandma, who lived in our home, and caused emotionally combustible upheaval, my sixth sense recognized my need to create a positive change while raising children of my own. While devising The Line of Control, I willed myself to read books, concerned with developing into a knowledgable leader, whose attachment to logic dominated my emotional reactions whenever conflicts arose between adults and children in my home. As every mind, regardless of age, was consciously taught to choose to set power struggling patterns aside in favor of adopting The Line of Control, emotional reactiveness, during times of conflict, relaxed; and as respect for each other's opinions remained on center stage, stress, boiling with anger, melted down, freeing intelligent minds to resolve conflicts logically, respectfully and peaceably.
Though it is sad to know that it's not within our power to expand the narrow mind sets of adults we love, it is heartening to note that each succeeding generation continues to absorb information concerning our need to become positively focused role models for children, who are destined to grow into tomorrow's world leaders, whose lead we will follow as the future unfolds, one day at a time. If it's true that: As we sow, so shall we reap, then disciplining your children respectfully will breed adults who are more inclined to treating you respectfully during your golden years when the well being of the older generation finds itself dependent upon attitudes absorbed when your offspring were young ... as in: What goes around, comes around.
Hopefully, once you've considered today's train of thought as a whole, this next prediction will lift your spirits: If, during the years that lay ahead, you choose to focus on your opportunity to raise a houseful of positively focused, respectful, future leaders then rather than carrying unhealed wounds from the past throughout your life, your understanding of—fight/flee/freeze/fawn vs accept-the-reality-that-children-need-to-grow-toward-independent thought—will encourage your mindset to demonstrate less need for outside validation, suggesting that when your children and grandchildren express existential needs that differ from your own, you're encouraging attitude will welcome change-for-the-better to bask in the warm sweetness of your loving embrace :)
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