739 POSTS YOU CAN EXPECT TO SEE, NEXT WEEK ... :)

Since I've written many posts concerning
Self defeating attitudes in need of change
Perhaps it's time to pen a few examples
In support of this fact:
Each time we identify and choose to change
A self defeating attitude
An element of emotional distress is released from our minds
Each time a change in attitude
Relieves our minds of unnecessary stress
Our spirits lift and guess what's apt to take place as a result
Of creating a positive change as uplifting as that?
One positive change leads to more until pretty soon ...
We watch a highly valued relationship
Improve from surviving to thriving!
BTW, when working toward changing attitudes
In hopes of improving relationships
Be sure to include the relationship you have with yourself :)

738 CONFIDENCE CRISES AND BASEBALL

Which three values do I hold in highest esteem?
Trust, friendship, self respect ... Not in descending order ...
In order to be true to family, friends and colleagues ...
I must be true to myself ...
In order to be true to myself ...
Who must I trust more than you?  Myself
Who must I look to for clarity into reality?  Myself
Who must I befriend before offering friendship to you?  Myself

Whose opinion must I respect for sound reason?  My own

If you tend to think successful individuals do not face confidence crises, may I suggest that you think, again ...

We all need support from each other, and when support joins hands with insight, we tend to enjoy each other's company in the winner's circle, quite often.

If adult mental acuity is powered by self trust then the inner strengths of a child are most often bolstered by the level of self confidence achieved by role models, whose footsteps the young tend to follow unless those footsteps feel too lofty to step up into.  Bottom line, just as adults must create their sense of safety from within, so must a child.  However, a child's sense of self empowerment is so vulnerably malleable as to look to adults for tools that shape high self esteem ...

Children communicate emotion felt at their core, naturally, openly, honestly, until they watch adults fling pretense around so breezily that monkey-see-monkey-do follows role models into mazes where, eventually, honest emotion is no longer bared ... Once in this maze, raw emotion is feared, anesthetized, cloaked and denied.  Classically, burying raw emotion deep within the subconscious tends to become a rule of thumb unless adult role models open doors, welcoming young minds to experience an emotional environment where genuine feeling is safely exposed and discussed.  When adult role models suggest that fear is accepted as natural, discussions, concerning the reality of fear, are handled so honestly and effectively that no brain space is left over for youthful think tanks to mistake pretense as 'truth'.

Below, you'll find a grandpa's description concerning an experience shared with his grandson, an eight year old child, whose athletic prowess proves advanced far beyond his years.  This child looks up to role models, whose passion for success has risen to professional heights in many arenas.  While reading this grandpa’s comments, my heart filled with gratitude, knowing that within this extended family, leadership is actively guiding four generations toward supporting each other's endeavors in emotionally healthy ways.

If asked how I know this is true, I'd reply, it's plain to see that trains of thought, driven by insight, create loving safety nets, which invite young spirits to embrace leaps of faith while questing toward each next level of personal success.  As success layers upon success, a well balanced mind tends to accept each new challenge with positive focus intact—and as a result of immersing one's sense of safety within an environment made up of positive focus, solid emotional support and step-by-step plans, inner conflict, concerning faith in oneself, gives way to a sense of wholeness where minds are self empowered and spirits thrive.

At first, this loving grandpa described a change in his grandson's go-get-em attitude that caused the adults concern.  It seemed that some unknown factor had catalyzed the strength of this eight year old's self confidence to slide.  Not just in baseball, at which he excelled far beyond his years, but whenever any decision was necessary.  For the first time in his brief history, this exceptionally gifted child was expressing a fear-based attitude, which undermined the self empowering nature of his mind, and as no one had a clue as to what may have caused such an unexpected change, it was obvious that brain storming was in order in hopes of making short work of turning darkened attitudes, fueled by negativity, around.

With insight into the effects of family dynamics, this grandpa considered his options before deciding to take the young boy aside in hopes of offering his grandson's fertile mind food for thought.  Upon becoming aware of the contagious nature of fear, Papa chose to dismiss his own misgivings in favor of comparing his grandson's success-based history with his own.  And now that I've clarified how quickly one person's fearful attitude can jangle everyone's confidence, I'll show you how this role model helped a child to reach inside and revive his temporary loss of self confidence by allowing this young boy's Papa to speak for himself ...

Over several days, my daughter, son-in-law, wife and I discussed a disturbing change in my grandson's attitude.  Following our discussion, I spent some time mulling over this situation.  Later that week, my grandson and I took a break from the large, family dinner table, where our extended family had gathered to celebrate my daughter's birthday.

My buddy and I sauntered over to the couch near the TV, where we sat, side by side, watching the final inning of the Rockies game. After a bit, I shared a story with him about my first little league tryout when I was a full year and a half older then him—how I missed every ball hit to me—how I tried another little league after my try out at my local park district league had gone so badly. I told him how I'd struck out ten times in a row and only swung twice during that game.  As I loved baseball, I explained that I had to figure it out from there—from the bottom—not the top.  Suddenly, my grandson was hugging me so hard and looking up into my eyes so intently that I had a hard time holding it together.

He wants to see a picture from those dog days (which I have somewhere as well as a home movie of me striking out).  It will be good for him to see his grandpa as a boy with a love of baseball, starting out at the bottom before rising, year after year, to the point of carving out a professional career, playing in the major leagues.

During the past year, I've put many of Annie's suggestions to work at times when it seemed prudent to discuss changing attitudes with the rest of our family.  Though I didn't know what was causing my grandson distress, I wanted him to see that all of us are vulnerable to fear and in need of opening up and asking for help when stress undermines self confidence.

If my grandson had an issue with self confidence before we enjoyed each other's company, one-on-one, that issue seemed to resolve as quickly as his spirit shone forth in his smile, which re-energized naturally from deep within, starting with our embrace and lasting until we hugged, good night.  The next day was his last day of school.  We made plans for me to pick him up, drive him to baseball camp, pick him up and then spend the rest of the afternoon hanging out. 

Spent next day with my buddy ... first day of baseball camp proved a big success followed by bowling, lunch and a movie to boot... and while enjoying each other’s company throughout the day, conversation flowed, naturally, back and forth.

As one of our favorite topics is sports, my grandson, asking if I’d had fears as a hitter, felt safe enough in my presence to open up with this concern:  His team often depends upon him when they're in a pinch.  We had a special talk about how every player, especially good hitters, has that fear... of striking out, letting teammates down.  I let him know that fear is natural, so it's just a matter of coping with it ... whether your talent is in dancing, acting, basketball, baseball, surgeons opening people, lawyers securing justice in court, singers reaching high notes on stage .... yes, Papa experiences fear, and though it took a while,  I figured it out how to control it ... and so will you.

He asked if I was ever hit ... yes, once three times in one game by the same pitcher.  He told me he got hit in the ankle and it "didn't hurt"... it went away in a second.  Yep...all good. 

We were listening to Sting in the car ... "if i ever lose my faith in you" came on ...not joking.
Papa , what's faith?
Well, it's like confidence..like belief... like I believe in you .. I have faith in you..I have confidence in you ...
Ok, I get it ... you have faith in me.
Yes, I do... you have a strong mind.  I know you can figure it out.
Pappa, I have faith in myself too.
Great!! That's what really counts, because you're the only one whose faith in yourself counts more than all the others.  It's great to have others who believe in you, but ultimately, you're in control of you.
I get it, pappa ... I need to believe in myself, right?
RIGHT!!!!!

We reached his house just as his mom and sister were heading to a dance audition. He rolls down his window and shouts to his sister, "I have faith in you.  You'll do great, today." My granddaughter responds,"Thanks , I have faith in your baseball skills."

I am not kidding ... this actually happened ... I could not make this stuff up ... what an amazing day ... made me wipe my eyes!  He’d been afraid of the fast ball coming at him, but since he felt safe opening up about his fear with me....we were in position to get past fear.

(We all need to get past fear to a safe place inside our minds where self confidence depends upon courage to face each next step on the ladder of success.  And that's what separates high self esteem from low ... the ability to muster the courage to grow beyond fear of failing ...)

We are getting out of my car when my grandson, seeing his mom backing her car out of the driveway, heading toward a tree, shouts for her to watch out and slams his fingers into the door of my car ...!!

He and I manage hand crisis with ice..we snuggle on the couch.. he's fine..I'm fine... what a day ... insight into a slice of both sides of life

Annie's take:
Fear of older boys pitching too fast ... team relying on stellar player with royal role models ... BBL camp coming up ... Anxiety, hiding inside the mind, causing stress to build until think tank can't help but roll all thoughts together, like rolling jumping beans in peanut butter, where one thought, filled with fear contaminates the next ... therefore best to clean out fear of failure that might get deposited in start of junk drawer before any sense of general stickiness develops, early on :)

Three responses to fear ... Fight, flee or ... freeze brain in scary place where bright decisions are darkly shaken by shadowy thoughts of possible failure.

Fourth response ... createsafeenvironmentinwhichtotalkaboutfear

With bbl camp coming up, grandson's crisis catalyst may have resulted from seeing older boys pitching too fast for stellar player to hit, registering fear in batters box for first time.  This child knows you can't hit if you're afraid and as the fear cycle picked up steam ... feeling fearful undermined his courage, so being a child, he did not know what to do ... fight, flee, freeze ... or ... seek out Papa!!!

Wonder if possibility of disappointing role model Papa, major league player, tied eight year old mind into unusual knots of fear???  If so, who better than pro ball playing Papa to encourage child to unknot and set mind at ease?  :)

We are not born with attitudes; attitudes, modeled by adults, are absorbed into the cells of a child’s Neo cortex just as languages and accents are patterned after voices and tones heard most often at home.  It’s important to remember that, in addition to personal experience, the sponge-like nature of children’s minds absorb positive, negative, courageous and fearful attitudes from every role modeling adult in the family.  That fact, coupled with our own experiences, shape the most unique aspects of an individual's personality :)

If life is likened to a game to be won, inning by inning, then once a child grows to be an adult, insight suggests that we choose our teammates with care :)

737 RULES BEND, VALUES REMAIN UNTARNISHED :)

I remember, several years back, when a friend felt so unhappy in her marriage for so long that separation seemed the only option left.  Why the only option left?  for sound reason.  You see, her husband, who'd been laid off from work, lay prone on the couch, day after day, for many months, giving her the silent treatment while refusing her pleas to accompany her when she chose to seek professional help.  In due time, the weight of her husband's depression caused my friend to fear for her sanity, and after seeking help for herself, the probability of divorce loomed large.

I remember feeling troubled during the months when my friend and her husband were courting, and when their engagement was announced, my innermost thought was a foreboding sense of this couple's not being well matched ... Though opposites attract,their emotional climate seemed as unlike as equator and North Pole.

Though my sixth sense proved sound, concerning their hearts, minds and spirits being separate from the start, their bodies were stuck in the same small apartment, because a man, lying prone on a couch can't afford to live on his own.  and though my friend was an exceptionally bright graduate of a prestigious university, she couldn't afford two places, so for quite a while, stalemate had been the name of the game.  Over time, my friend, a tall, slender, beautiful, vivacious, sad and lonely, graceful woman with many attributes and interests ... met a guy, who, matching her out going nature, dried her tears, reviving a passionate sparkle in her lovely, wide eyes.

Be careful, I cautioned.
Don't sleep with Prince Charming till you no longer live with your husband,
Why not?  Our marriage is over.
Over's not over till you've file for divorce from vows previously made.  Sleep with the prince while still living with another and one day, in anger, prince may throw adultery, like a pie, into your face.  Controlling passion till papers are filed may save you tons of unforeseen grief, down the road.

What made me offer my friend this unsolicited advice?  I'd had reason to make a study of human nature ... Twas not unlikely that Prince Charming might bite if anger got the best of his tongue.  In addition to that, I was a bit further along in life than my friend and knew that separation takes place for many reasons, suggesting that all separations do not end in divorce.  My love for my friend felt the sheltering need to caution her to set out on this new and exciting adventure with some semblance of self restraint in hopes of ensuring that one day she'd not have reason to look back with regret.  Do I know if she followed my lead?  Nope.  Though I'd felt responsible, as loving friend, to offer food for thought, prying into her decision stretched beyond the limits of whatever she might deem private, concerning intimacy, so Having said my piece, I chose to offer another adult adequate space to consider which values to embrace as her own.

When considering rules of behavior while separated,  for the most part, that's where the X factor comes in, because .... no rules exist ... Sooo at first glance, one might say that individuals are left to fly by the seat of their pants unless we stop consider this next train of thought ... (You knew a dissertation was bound to pop out of my mind, right?   Somehow, my sixth sense seems to know when a door inside my mind is about to blow open ... so here comes I-know-not-what :) :) :)

Recently, I was asked whether a couple, who splits up, gets a free hall pass during separation.  That question caused my friend's situation to emerge from memory.  While considering my answer, the following train of thought chugged forth from the depths of my mind:

By the time we are adults, our brains contain a set of personal values, indicating 'right from wrong', which imprints inside our heads during childhood.  As children, we're expected to adhere to our parents' values or else the Godlike presence of parental anger may scare us into submission.  As teens we're expected to test those values, which would limit us into developing into our parents' clones.  As adults we adhere to certain values, rooted during childhood, until personal experience offers us reason to question and expand upon that which we'd been taught is right or wrong, early on.  Each time inner conflict arises, parental values, societal values and existential values are at odds within one's mind.  And that's true at every stage of life.

It takes a strong spirit to so much as bend custom (Orthodox leaning toward experimentally mixing milk with meat). If a strong spirit bends custom, a stronger spirit breaks it (orthodox marrying conservative).  TIs one thing to bend or even break a rule.  TIs another to break a rule so grave as to break with the fold.  (Mormon parents, excommunicated and torn from their children for supporting a rebellious teen aged son, whom the elders have driven off and left on the side of the road to fend for himself.). Most of the time the X factor that causes us to follow rules is fear of personal loss.  Loss of the esteem of others.  Loss of self esteem.

As rules establish a sense of order, they are a necessary component of balance.  When no rules exist, such as with separation, we are left to create our own.  Yet, even decisions as personal as creating rules that govern oneself are based in one's past for this reason:  Each person's rules are most usually determined by morality's sliding scale concerning that which constitutes the limits of 'your' comfort zone vs. 'mine'.  This is where the bell shaped curve and the time line come into play.

Hardworking liberals painstakingly pulling the mass of traditionalists, who comprise the bulk of the bell shaped curve, forward on the time line create societal change.  Reactionaries, who draw back at the rear, are necessary to create the perfect balance of the bell's stability.  As all aspects of society are necessary for stability, who am I to judge the values of another ... unless their acts are harmfully heinous.

I remember once stating that many friends and family members feel safe, confiding in me.  In early years, secrets divulged shocked my sense of right and wrong.  Not so any more.  I came to understand emotional drama on a much deeper level, especially after my spirit had need to break with the fold.  In the months leading up to our separation, disparity in our values magnified and clarified in surprising ways.  Strengths and vulnerabilities emerged on both sides in 3D.

Friends showed their true colors.  Extended family took sides ... Thank goodness, our sons remained neutral as true to the way they'd been raised, to ask pertinent questions and collect data instead of judging rashly, spontaneously.  I believe neutrality was maintained, because adultery did not occur on either side.

Young, inexperienced and confused as they were, instinct suggested no one was all right or all wrong.  One parent's mind had chosen to grow out-of-the-box, expansively while the other's needs had remained limited and restrained, pointing as clear as day to why one parent's spirit was literally dying for release.

Simply put, reading had offered me reason to reconsider certain values, suggesting that, to some extent, values exist in a gentle, thoughtful state of flux ... except for one ... my sense of self respect could not break a rule so solemn as to have been deemed a vow.  Why not?  For many reasons.  First being trust in myself to know myself.  Second being trust in my understanding why I had no choice left other than to leave my home and retrieve my spirit on my own. Third being a need to re-evaluate the ways in which personal growth had influenced necessary change, concerning my role in family life.

Until that time of personal crises, family came first—unquestionably.  That made me selfless.  However, once my needs had been consciously set aside and I was fully aware of being selfless, my lust for life sped downhill as fast an arrow, zinging through the air, targets the heart.

By the time I moved out of our home, I was numb to life.  No appetite, at all.  Literally feeling nothing, inside or out, my body shrunk to ninety pounds.  When asked about 'till death do we part—my response was spontaneous and sure—there are many ways to die—my spirit is dying, and I need to find out why.  Though that was all I knew at that time, I knew this without a doubt:  Moving out of an environment, which proved so unhealthy to my need for personal growth, was the right path—for me.

What I did not yet know was this:  Every decision I've ever made has taken the well being of my family into account and that continues to be true, today.  Somehow, I 'feel' to what extent a rule can bend before a breaking point is reached ...

While separated, I valued wedding vows taken as my own, and as we'd not yet filed for divorce, I considered myself married, because that was the simple truth.  As my time in the apartment was spent getting to know parts of my character that I'd never had the courage to see, I did not offer myself a hall pass while living apart.  Secondly, our children, who were utterly shocked, had never watched over us as closely as they did from their dorm rooms, all around the country.  We each received three calls, every night.  As a family, we always were healthy and tight, and the same is true, today.

I believe most separations play out differently than ours for this reason.  Though we experienced plenty of drama, every decision was based in logic, because—when confusion hits hard, it is my habit to hold off on decision making until insight into bigger pictures emerge and clarity is mine.

So much changed during the year, leading up to our separation, then again, during the months of separation and then again, for years after reconciling, as well.  Upon reflection, we might surmise that each time my spirit has taken a plunging descent into hell, my need for personal growth rises in direct proportion.  Bottom line, I'd not have returned had growth not occurred all around.

During that tumultuous time, we all experienced personal growth spurts while learning to discern how family values must interlace with existential beliefs if each individual is to grow in healthy ways.  After all, everything that lives and breathes grows and thrives or shrinks into retreat, and as each of our spirits experienced the latter, I know without a doubt the importance of adhering to a path that leads toward exciting growth by conscious choice.

As no person's path is the same as another's, I wonder if Alicia, THE GOOD WIFE, would have acted on her passion for Will had she not been living separate from Peter?  Though I don't know enough about Alicia's core values to make that call, I do know this:  If Alicia had determined it ok to sleep with Will because Peter cheated, I'd have lost respect for a person resorting to reaction rather than choosing to differentiate her value system from one that she viewed with distain.  If asked my opinion, it's one thing to spent time with a person held in high esteem and quite another to consciously choose to break vows.

I've learned, first hand, to value the needs of my spirit, as primary to my continued good health.  Each time life offers me reason to consider my path, memory reminds how shocked I was to see my spirit deflate—twice—as twice is more than enough experience for me, I've learned to focus on clarity, suggesting that when clarity is intact, my path will not fog up to such an extent that my sense of logic cannot figure out how to resolve conflicts—which are bound to arise—given time.  And at times, the conflict I refer to is not one that arises with another person but inner conflict that splits my state of mind into two parts.  And here's why I believe this path, where clarity and reality hold hands, is the true path for me:  I've come to see that bending long established 'rules' in order to value my spirit's good health has proven to take me where I most need to go without harming so much as a hair on the heads of those I love—and if history has a habit of repeating itself—and if this path finds me happy to the point of sparkling from deep inside my core, day by day—I figure so far so good :)

As to tomorrow—well, who knows what tomorrow has in store for us all?  If it's true that it's all we can do to live in the moment—and if I like myself—and love my life—and if my decisions allow me to sleep soundly at night—and if the future continues to look bright—and if with that, today's soliloquy seems to be winding down then on that up note—Nuff said for now :) :) :) ... Oh, wait!  One more thing—when it comes to receiving a hall pass during separation—well, personally, that would not work for me ... on the other hand ...

Since each person's comfort zone is one's own to determine, I can only speak for myself :)

736 ANSWERING QUESTION LEFT IN COMMENT BOX ...

My mind had need to percolate for a while before answering—this classic question—deposited into comment box earlier this week:

What might cause a grandma to turn away from grandchildren and great grandchildren?

What causes anyone to turn away instead of welcoming love with open arms?

The insidious nature of negatively focused attitudes, driven by fear ...

Do you know that scientific studies of the human brain have proven that a fear-based mindset loses sight of logic during conflict?  Once fear squeezes all sense of logic into a corner of the mind, the only attitude that seems to make'sense' is based in defensiveness as in—agree with me or I don't believe you love me—you're 100% with me or I believe you're 100% against me.

It's also been proven that a mindset based in fear is controlled by a negatively focused attitude, which hides a person's insecurities behind a wide variety of defensive shields.  Behind every defensive wall is a fear based ego that is nursing subconscious pain, left in an unidentified and thus, unhealed state from difficult relationships, past.

Past generations were not raised to keep psychological findings uppermost in their minds.  So, it's likely that your grandma (like mine) has no clue that during her childhood her mind absorbed a difficult role model's autocratic, egocentric need to control the thoughts, feelings and decisions of others, suggesting that any opposing (rebellious) stance (most especially during times fraught with conflict), feels so disrespectful that punitive measures seem necessary, and that's why autocratic attitudes fuel power struggles that escalate into long-lasting family feuds.

When a mind functions autocratically, automatically, fear of change is a given for this reason:  If the person harboring the autocratic mindset did not choose the change, subconscious anxiety arises, causing the conscious portion of that person's brain to feel unsafe.  Therefore, anyone who courageously voices personal need for change, which conflicts with the needs of the matriarch or patriarch, will be viewed as a threat to the concept of hierarchy.

I'll bet your grandma has no clue of harboring this fear-based attitude:  'You're with me or against me'.  If she was confronted with the autocratic nature of her mind set, I'll bet your grandma, like mine, would feel deeply insulted.  Anyone who sees herself or himself as the family's matriarch or patriarch will expect you to follow their lead—no questions asked—suggesting why any person who harbors a narrow frame of mind, set in stone, will furiously deny any kernel of truth no matter how cautiously and respectfully you suggest discussing the immobility of a mindset that remains blindly rooted (and thus stuck) in values, which were upheld by generations, past.  Mindsets, based in subconscious fear, do not expand.

Before asking you to consider mustering compassion for your grandma's inability to consider your needs, I'll ask her age.  Though it's true that her reactionary nature confuses your mind and hurts your heart, it's important to note that your grandma's mind set was shaped by thought patterns, which had ruled the world during her youth.  No matter how much love and attentiveness you offer, it's important to remember that the true culprit, pushing you away, proves to be an authoritative attitude that shapes trains of thought into mind sets, which have controlled your grandma's mental patterns for many decades before you and your children were born.  Mental patterns, like habits, are very hard to break, and I have a feeling that your grandma may feel as sad about the chasm as is true of you.

You may remember reading previous posts expressing this scientific fact:  As soon as fear-based anger grabs control over the brain, the Neo cortex (where logic and rational memory reside) shuts down.  Once the Neo cortex shuts down, the brain resorts to emergency (survival) mode—fight, flee, freeze or fawn.  Once logic is nowhere to be found, the ego feels free to alter any memory that does not sit comfortably inside the fearful person's brain.  When a loved one transforms shared memories into bold face lies that shock you to your very core, it's highly possible that you are conversing with an ego so fearful of the truth that this person's false sense of personal safety depends upon plunging her/his mind into Denialand, where reality and falsehoods conjoin.  Within this mental state of denial, conflicts remain unresolved, because two minds, engaged in power struggling, can't draw forth logical patterns of thought from memories, which remain defensively tied into deeply stressed, emotional knots.

Speaking as one who grew up with an autocratic Grandma, who lived in our home, and caused emotionally combustible upheaval, my sixth sense recognized my need to create a positive change while raising children of my own.  While devising The Line of Control, I willed myself to read books, concerned with developing into a knowledgable leader, whose attachment to logic dominated my emotional reactions whenever conflicts arose between adults and children in my home.  As every mind, regardless of age, was consciously taught to choose to set power struggling patterns aside in favor of adopting The Line of Control, emotional reactiveness, during times of conflict, relaxed; and as respect for each other's opinions remained on center stage, stress, boiling with anger, melted down, freeing intelligent minds to resolve conflicts logically, respectfully and peaceably.

Though it is sad to know that it's not within our power to expand the narrow mind sets of adults we love, it is heartening to note that each succeeding generation continues to absorb information concerning our need to become positively focused role models for children, who are destined to grow into tomorrow's world leaders, whose lead we will follow as the future unfolds, one day at a time.  If it's true that:  As we sow, so shall we reap, then disciplining your children respectfully will breed adults who are more inclined to treating you respectfully during your golden years when the well being of the older generation finds itself dependent upon attitudes absorbed when your offspring were young ... as in:  What goes around, comes around.

Hopefully, once you've considered today's train of thought as a whole, this next prediction will lift your spirits:  If, during the years that lay ahead, you choose to focus on your opportunity to raise a houseful of positively focused, respectful, future leaders then rather than carrying unhealed wounds from the past throughout your life, your understanding of—fight/flee/freeze/fawn vs accept-the-reality-that-children-need-to-grow-toward-independent thought—will encourage your mindset to demonstrate less need for outside validation, suggesting that when your children and grandchildren express existential needs that differ from your own, you're encouraging attitude will welcome change-for-the-better to bask in the warm sweetness of your loving embrace :)

735 WHAT MAKES ME FEEL LUCKY?

Hmmm—

Since life shovels frustration into everyone's heads, I'm beginning to wonder if my 'lucky duckiness' is due to seeking a path of self awareness where clarity beckons to me, while those, who remain blind to their negatively focused attitudes, walk into walls of their own making ...

Tomorrow's post will answer question, concerning sadness and frustration, deposited into comment box at the end of post 733 ...

BTW, I greatly appreciate your feeding comment box, which as you know, is always hungry!  :) :)

734 ... LET'S REVIEW TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR Part 14

So, here it is ... post 309 written on November 18th, 2011 as part of a story, entitled TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR, featuring Lady Luck's fickle finger of fate.

Please take note that font changes when narrator in me offers commentary, and having clarified that, let's dive into the middle of this story without further ado ...

Since any life story is written in hindsight, I’d like to show you something that none of us, especially Grandma—who'd feared a righteous God—had thought to visualize, when I was three, so please ...

Pretend to close your eyes and imagine yourself floating above the ground while you continue to read.  Now, will your body to fade away—as you float into our kitchen, transparent and unseen, on that fateful November afternoon in 1946.

Next, picture yourself shadowing my Grandma, as though you and she are one.  Imagine the two of you, gliding in synchronized slow motion, through the kitchen—past my mother and father, who are laughing at my attempts to mimic Daddy's trilling whistle.

Imagine Grandma striding—right next to your shadowy self, floating—through the kitchen doorway and across the dining room.

Once you and Grandma have crossed the dining room, you'll reach the screened door, leading onto our back porch ... at this point, please stop floating and just hover, while we freeze Grandma in place.  Now, allow your shadowy presence to push your ghostlike head straight through the screen of that unlocked door.

Wait!  Don’t look into the buggy, which is to the left of the door.  Look straight ahead at the late afternoon clouds in the sky.  While some are unthreatening, fluffy and white, most have turned chillingly dark.

Between the light and the dark, focus your eyes on two small, gray clouds, floating side by side.  Now, visualize these clouds in the process of changing—evolving, converging, shaping up differently than before, just like both sides of LIFE.

As the tail of one little, gray cloud conjoins with the tail of the other, an hourglass, lying on its side, shapes up within our mind's eye.  The reason that you and I can see this process of change, shaping up, so clearly, is because we are fully aware of each step taking place.  In short, our focus has not been diverted elsewhere.  On the other hand, common sense suggests that those listening from afar or observing, every now and then, are likely to be less aware or even oblivious of ominous changes, which are growing darkly obvious to you and me.  At this point, please stand the hourglass up and imagine the last few grains of sand, passing through its narrow channel, symbolizing the last few seconds of a family's idealistic sense of emotional security ebbing away.
   

As this small configuration of clouds continues to alter, watch the standing hourglass elongate into the slender shape of a lovely lady, clothed in a long, gossamer gown of ‘neutral’ gray.  Though the lady's given name is Fate, she answers to the nickname, Luck.  And while we pause for a moment to consider the speed with which mankind's false sense of safety slips away, let's watch the impartial mouth of the wind blowing the translucent fabric of Luck's full length gown, gently, around her shapely legs.

Now watching the wind pick up, let's bolster ourselves against whatever may come while we take a closer look at what Luck is holding in her up turned, open, left palm.  Luck is holding forth her best attempts to balance the scales of justice while the wind blows the length of her spun gold hair straight back from her expressionless, clear blue eyes.  And as the wind whips up, swinging Luck's scales up and down, let's listen as they clang against each other, like cymbals, crashing discordantly—repeatedly.

While the scales toll, like bells, ringing out an alarm, we spy Luck’s right hand beginning to rise from it’s restful place at her side.  Now while those scales continue to dangle and crash within Luck's upturned, left palm, imagine her right arm stretching gracefully over her head. Then if we watch closely, you and I will see Luck's right hand, held high in the air over her head, folding into a fist, while one finger, the pointer to be exact, frees itself in hopes of directing our attention toward those last few sunbeams, streaming through dark clouds, which have continued to gather, ominously, above her comely head.

On a clear day, the angelic grace of this lovely lady is brightly gowned in billowing clouds of white, offering the eye a heavenly sight, floating across a clear, blue sky.  As there's reason for everything, today, Luck is gowned in gray.  And all too soon, this comely lass will feel so blue as to darken her gray gown to black.

You see, before tomorrow's dawn, black clouds of mourning will grow as heavy as inconsolable grief, causing the classic features of Luck's lovely face to furrow into a frown as deep as frowns of foreboding, which are surely forming on your face and mine as I write.

While despairing grief is still several seconds away, let's picture a flock of five well nourished ducks—soaring high in the sky—until, unexpectedly—one is randomly shot down, causing this quintet of high-flying spirits to plummet to four, all of which will soon be sucked into those winds of change, which had caused Luck's scales to crash—clang, clang, clang.

Upon visualizing each bird in the flock blindsided by grief, losing sight of direction, one crashing into the next, we see the whiplash speed with which a shocking change in emotional climate swirls a family's sense of security into the eye of a tornado-sized gale.  And though each defense system tries to close its eyes to the aftereffects of this storm, in truth, the strain of 'acting' normal will drain every last grain of energy out of Luck's sense of inner peace.  So right here, I think its wise to note the importance of honoring the truth of whatever each of us truly feels, deep inside ... other wise baggage continues to accumulate, and excess emotional baggage, which weighs heavy on the spirit, is bound to affect the paths we each choose to tread as life moves forward.

At this point in my story, Fate is about to toss a small child's sense of Lady Luck aside, and her energy source will receive so severe a shaking that thoughts of this lady with her head in the clouds will be replaced with nothing more than a discombobulated sense of emptiness at her core.  And no matter how hard Lady Luck works to regain this child's positive focus, every strength she'd naturally begun to absorb between birth and three will spin, like a series of tops, out of control, until, her mind gives way to a dizzied state of utter exhaustion, because within the next few moments, life will feel too complicated to understand until such time as the spirit of Socrates hovers near enough to whisper—Know thyself—into her open adult ear.  Luckily, this child will grow into a woman whose mind remains open to learning—and because of that, simplicity of thought will one day be hers.  (If this was a fairy tale, today's story would end right here with—and the little girl grew up to live happily ever after.  However, this is the beginning of true tale of my life and since I've not even turned three ... we'd best turn our minds toward the back porch, where the painful truth waits to emerge ... 

As the danger of discovering the painful truth, lying in the buggy, is just seconds beyond my grandma's sense of awareness, let's take one last innocent look up at the sky and follow the well groomed tip of Lady Luck’s pointer until we spy something tiny, shiny, silver and round suspended several inches above and a smidgen to the right of her pink painted nail.  Can you name what this shiny thing is?  No?  Okay ... Since the last grains of sand in the hour glass are slipping away, there's no time to waste, so here are two hints in one: This tiny, shiny, silver, round shape is not a falling star— and it is spiraling—up.
Sorry.  The clock stops ticking for no one's innocence, and we need to make haste, so it's time to stop guessing and just listen up:

 It’s the dime. The dime that FATE tosses high in the air, so that we, who watch it spiraling up before spiraling down-down-down, feel our hearts clutch so tightly in our chests that it's almost impossible to breathe while we cling desperately to hope that all will work out for the best—until finally, the descending glint of this shiny coin lands and spins, round and round, on the gray slatted, wood floor of our back porch—three stories above a well manicured lawn, framed with colorful flowers—symbolizing a moment of beauty—not yet trampled, changed and frozen into a fearsome memory from my distant past.

Finally the dime falls, stops spinning and lays flat, meaning that Luck—Fate—call it what you will—has determined that—

‘Heads’—

Dark clouds will disperse, frowns will smile, spirits soar and all will be well—

‘ Tails’—

Thunder rumbles and lightening cracks as many families, living in that massive, three-story, brown brick apartment building, gather in their kitchens, pull out their chairs, sit down round their dinner tables, and talk, laugh, squabble, pass food, eat, and drink as usual—while—one family rings their hands in despair ...

Destiny, rather than responsibility and goodness, is today’s deciding factor.

No childhood inoculation provides immunity from Fate.

Deeper truth suggests that life is truly a gamble at best

As narrator, I face this choice:
I can sketch in this next scene very briefly, and you'll conceive of Janet’s death as having been exceptionally sad, but your mind will not shift into the eeriness of Déjà vu, which revives my experience of panic, shock, horror and devastation, thundering down upon my family after tragedy influenced changes in the course of family life as well as unforeseen changes within our relationships—with ourselves and each other.

Since the confounding nature of my baby sister’s death is about to catalyze a series of frightful changes, confounding us all, it’s my responsibility, as narrator, to flesh in the lasting nature of the pain that Janet’s untimely demise tattooed into the minds of her family as a whole.  And though I have sound reason to believe that three forthcoming details may explain why a three year old's brain developed specific character traits that fall out of line with those most often attributed to a first born child, I admit to feeling conflicted about reviving these most painful aspects of déjà vu, which had scared me out of my wits and into Denialand at a highly vulnerable, developmental stage when my mind was too young to understand the meaning of death.  On second thought ... what do I understand of death, now—other than the fact that once a loved one has 'passed', he or she never returns to that which we perceive as this life ... 

On the other hand this trio of unrevealed details—which instinct suggests I withhold for good reason until a post down the line—is vital to understanding why the soft clay of a three-year-old mind remodeled in such a way as to strengthen my need for self imposed emotional restraint until experience offered me reason to unload my train load of baggage—little by little—by pulling into one station after another, where insight into self awareness welcomed me to examine fear, buried right next to my core—instead of allowing my ego's unhealed wounds to fling subconscious pain around while casting blame at everyone I love for the rest of my life.  And since that's a very good thing, I guess it's safe to surmise that Lady Luck did not abandon this duckling, after all :)

Need an example of Luck smiling at me?  Lucky for me, a young cousin and niece pestered me to write this blog every time we came together.  And every time subconscious pain blocks me from divulging a detail too painful to safely reveal, as of yet, you'll watch me post around inner conflict instead of allowing writer's block to paralyze my mind.  Each time you watch me post around another subconscious conflict, you'll see me mustering the courage to instruct my sixth sense to ope a series of locked doors.  And while fishing for insight into memories, blocked from conscious awareness, in hopes of achieving moments of clarity, you'll watch how a person, practiced in the Line of Control, steadies nerves in hopes of readying my mind to release the most difficult parts of each story that I feel the need to write—and this round-about plan proves to be my mental process for two reasons:  One, I hope to free myself of as much subconscious pain—which limits my ability to enjoy today's good fortunes with attention to thoroughness—as possible.  And two, I hope to encourage others, who choose to ride sidekick through my story, to dive toward insight into freeing themselves of baggage, as well.  BTW need it be said that I hope to remain addicted to hope, forever?  :)

*Though it's true that frightful events may change the course of each life to different degrees, it's what takes place in the wake of tragedy that determines the degree of fear, which may or may not usurp control over each surviver's mind.  I mean, think about it:  I've not yet told you how Fate ripped a three year old's sense of personal safety in half.  What I do feel safe revealing, right now, is this:  Once Fate strips away a small child's sense of safety, a false sense of safety—which we all need to some degree to function successfully—will rise to the surface, and in my case, that false sense of safety served to bolster the smile I showed to the world no matter how often silent tears soaked my pillow by night.

In retrospect, I've come to understand my need to seek out, absorb and share communication skills over most of my adult life.  You see, while encouraging others, most especially my offspring, to open up honestly to themselves about themselves, I've brain washed myself to do the same.  By way of seeking insight into simplifying my complexities, I've grown aware of the vital importance of communicating openly and honestly, first with myself  before I can expect to be honest with you.  This proves a difficult feat when memories, too fearsome to bear, remain hidden behind defensive walls within my subconscious.

In order to free the conscious portion of my mind of stress at times when a vital aspect of life is barreling down hill, I've learned to sit my ego in time out for this reason:  Left on its own, a fearful ego tends to rob my memory of reality by deleting or reconstructing crucial details of my history, thereby eradicating fear or erasing feelings of accountability.  As long as an ego is free to fib to itself, clarity in terms of reality remains cloudy, and in this way do defensive thoughts block logical problem solving from taking place.  In it's unrestrained state, the ego is like a watch dog, locking deeper truths inside a vault, behind insecurity's defensive walls.

*Once you believe your own fibs, The Blame Game huffs and puffs hot winds, scattering crucial details of bigger pictures into 500 piece puzzles that make no sense at all.  Each time any aspect of my life grows so puzzling as to dizzy my mind, I recognize a need to retrace my steps in hopes of identifying strengths, which I've claimed as my own but, in truth, remain in a half baked state.

For most of my life, I'd 'seen' my childhood as simply happy.  I accomplished that feat by blocking the after effects of Janet's death, by numbing my reactions while being bullied on the Hebrew bus and by accepting Joseph's heart-piercing 'hatred' quietly instead of recognizing that after pushing him away, I'd never spoken to him, suggesting it likely that both of us misunderstood each other's reactions.

Since my smile sparkled throughout each day, who could have had a clue that behind my defensive walls, I'd harbored subconscious memories, which gnawed instinctively into my spirit's sense of peace?  In yesterday's world, who knew of my need to uncover pain, buried raw, so deep within my subconscious that emotional distress emerged only in the still of the night, when, itching to get out of my skin, I'd scratched until tell-tale blood marred the white of my pillow ... in today world, that's all a pediatrician would need know ...

As fate would have it, today, I seek out guidance when my mind feels so sadly confused that an unknown weight causes my high flying spirit to sag.  As luck would have it, I love to write, and while diving into my mind, my sixth sense stumbles upon insights, which encourage me to reflect ever more deeply into those times when life had been a bitch.

As one insight leads to another, old perceptions are reviewed in a newly expanded light until—lo and behold—another subconscious dark spot is illuminated in so surprising a way that undeserved guilt, otherwise known as baggage, slips away.  As baggage lightens, self trust strengthens until my spirit feels as re-energized as a mind is able to relax while vacationing from stress by enjoying a string of sunny days at the beach.

It's important to note that in order for old perceptions to change a person's reflective powers must deepen.  For example, at this point I am actually glad to know that my mind took refuge in denial for this reason:  As fear forced my mind to focus upon the sunniest aspects of life, I habitually bitched less often than most—on the other hand, I currently appreciate the advantage of having learned to balance my sunny outlook with quietly seeking insight into my past.  If asked why I think to turn my face, most often, toward the sunny side of life, today—I reply—what we think we become, pointing to the fact that though I'd once seemed one dimensional, today, my outlook embraces the entire spectrum of emotion, suggesting that you'll not find me giving lip service to embracing the concept of balance in all things :)

Though life scared me half to death, early on, I've watched my spirit inspire both sides of my mind to conjoin in hopes of enticing courage to overcome fear, thus allowing me to take flying leaps of faith out of the tower, where a person's false sense of safety holds memory hostage.  Each time I've worked to peel away a defensive wall in hopes of staring a fearsome experience in the eye, I've landed, smack in the middle of a safety net, held aloft by loved ones, who know my mind so well as to humor my vulnerabilities while respecting my strengths.  And feeling cradled within such loving support, this lucky duck continues to work actively but quietly at exposing raw wounds that my ego had secreted away at times when my conscious mind had felt too fearfully defensive to face truth, squarely, head on.

Each time my sixth sense suggests my need to soak my mind in Walden Pond, I check into old memories in hopes of unloading baggage.  Each time I strike another mother load, my spirit re-charges, and my heart feels light enough to frolic along a path where new adventures entice me to experiment with expanding the elasticity of narrow comfort zones, again.

If asked to divulge which insights were the most difficult to swallow, here is what I'd say:  I've come to see which amongst my loved ones had developed the strength to hold up their end of my safety net when I was blind to myself vs those who had not developed the inner strength to help me up rather than  striking at my vulnerabilities when I fell down.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
Up Above the world so high
Like a diamond, spirit sparkling in the sky ...
Until tragedy hits so surprisingly hard that
Dark clouds, heavy with dread
Flood mind and heart with
Such an abundance of confusion and fear that
Denial sets in and all a child's mind chooses to see
Are bright beams of sunlight cascading, all around—because
The mere possibility of storm clouds thundering down, again
Might cause this child's mind to lose control over
False sense of safety, again ...
Sooo ... each time life proves too complex to fathom
This child's defense system creates a state of sunny simplicity
Suggesting that with a shrug of one's shoulder
Dark clouds, casting shadows of self doubt, are gone and
Lightening storms, crackling with doom, gloom and inner conflict
Are dismissed ... and once ensconced in Denialand
This defense mechanism will serve a dark haired, blue eyed child well until
She grows up to find th perfect storm arising...
Tearing straight through her spirit's eternal lightness of being
At which time ...
My blindness to that which I'd needed to know about myself ...
Could not deny subconscious truth, boiling over defensive walls
Arousing an inactive volcano to erupt with such lava-like angst
That my mind saw the wisdom of seeking the path of self discovery, at last ...

Twinkle, twinkle clear-eyed mind
Posting daily, hoping that you, too, may choose
To open your eyes and ears to insight into deeper truths
Hiding behind defensive walls
So that your spirit may begin to live larger rather than smaller
As no child escapes from childhood utterly unscathed
Common sense suggests that some threatening presence
Will haunt your sense of inner peace until
Truth speaks through your walls as it slips through mine:
Bottom line:  That which you choose not to know can hurt you
Every bit as much as sticks and stones breaks your bones
On the other hand, as more of us choose to work mindfully toward
Mustering the courage to be true to one's deepest self
We'll come to understand the importance of
Considering the needs of of everyone we love ...
Including our own :)

Bottom line:  Each time my conscious mind thinks to buddy up with my subconscious, a new found sense of mindful wholeness frees me to express my needs in wholesome ways that enrich my sense of inner peace.  As inner peace increases in direct proportion to my newfound sense of wholeness, I feel inspired to hunt down scary secrets that I lock fearfully away from my conscious self.  Since secrets arouse curiosity and life overflows with mysterious goings on, my spirit feels eager to see where each next train of thought takes the story of my life, next ...

P.S.  For the life of me, I could not figure out why so many paragraphs in this post refused to indent!  On the other hand, life offers us such taxing puzzles to figure out, I chose to stop worrying my mind with small stuff, like this.  And guess what happened, next?  That positive mind shift lessened my frustration, immediately—and as soon as my mind felt unstressed, intelligence kicked in.  So instead of indenting, I simply chose to space each paragraph that refused to cooperate apart from the last.  This suggests that conscious mind shifts catalyze two positive changes:  First, we enhance our ability to accept that which we do not yet understand.  Secondly, creativity pops up, suggesting we alter a path that offered nothing other than more frustration.  And if, sometime later, the mind fathoms questions left unanswered then more power to those who work at deepening awareness, one patient step at a time.

Once I became aware of Mother Nature empowering me with the gift of choosing to shift my mind sets, my sixth sense kicked in, and I stopped feeling like a caged gerbil running on a wheel.  Today, when an experience confuses my sense of direction, I choose to dive deeper into my mind until my sixth sense feels a need to question one of my mind sets.

While reading my posts, you play witness to trains of thought questioning mind sets until my trust in my sixth sense settles upon examining a mind shift in need of changing with the times.  Example?  During the sixties, I'd not dared to have lived with a man I'd loved before marriage.  Today, common sense suggests the wisdom of taste tests before vowing to accept unchanging baggage for an entire lifetime.

With each step I take on this path, where diving more deeply into memory frees me from misperceptions that limited my choices, I listen closely when my sixth sense cajoles me to expand my sense of adventure by taking another courageous leap of faith ... and since I've not yet taken another person to an unhealthy place, I continue to believe that self examination has been elemental in determining the successful path of my life—thus far.  And that thought brings to mind the end of a nursery rhyme, enjoyed by the instinctive mind of a dark haired, blue eyed, three year old child who grew into a woman, whose independent mind smiles at this thought ... twinkle, twinkle—lucky star ... seeking insight into deeper truth in hopes that lucky duck enjoys sunny days where peace of mind conjoin with itch free nights of restful sleep :)

PS ... new to my blog?  Stories concerning loss of sister, shrinking into denial when bullied, and shocking myself by striking out upon receiving first kiss may be found in earliest posts ... 

733 WHEN LADY LUCK SMILES, SMILE BACK! :)

Earlier in the week, I shared my disappointment with a dear cousin—so sorry to cancel our plans to celebrate at his daughter's wedding at the end of June.  Four cousins, a quartet of siblings, all at least eight years younger than me, will be there, and as I'd babysat for them when we were young, you can imagine my eagerness to fly out and enjoy our loving, three day reunion, where, surrounded by the woodsy beauty inherent to this fir tree'd region of the Southwest, this mother hen longed to embrace her chicks, as I'd referred to them, time and again.

There are no non stop flights between my home and this destination, so two flights, separated by a four hour layover, suggest my need to travel, all day, each way ... and willfully that's been my plan ... until this undertaking drew near, and clarity, stimulated by weeks of elevated pain, made me reconsider my decision to join in the fun.  Seriously ... considering the degree of pain that had kept me from driving, keeping me pretty much house bound, 24/7, since nephew's wedding in April, well ... you can easily see why my brain balked at repeating that cycle, so soon.

Bottom line, reality suggests that I cannot attend this event, fly home and then fly away to celebrate a bar mitzvah, which my mom is also attending, four days later.  Annie's Wonder Woman days are long gone.

Then ... along comes Lady Luck!  Just received a call from youngest son, who plans to fly home to celebrate his birthday on the same day that I'm flying home from the bar mitzvah ... suggesting one door closing and another opening so quickly that my frustration at missing wedding and cousins' reunion, due to health issues, has melted into the warm, rosy glow that's buoyed my spirit ever since hearing youngest son say ... miss you guys, let's celebrate my b/d together :) :) :)

With so much love pouring in from all directions my heart fills with too much gratitude to feel disappointed, over long.  Though life can feel as thorny as certain relationships prove to be, thankfully, the intelligent side of my mind has sought to absorb a host of positively focused attitudes of emotional flexibility, which lean, most often, toward consciously acknowledging what a lucky duck I truly am :)

Returned home from dentist, late that same afternoon, to find second born son and two of his buds ensconced on living room couches, eager to watch Spurs and Heat duke it out.  Though delighted by this surprise, I couldn't help but think ... Oh dear, two women are due to arrive, shortly, to discuss easing their way through family strife.  Briiing-briiing—answer phone—ladies need to reschedule—Lady Luck keeps smiling at lucky duck—lucky duck smiles back :) :)

PS ... Wonder if you've ever read older post concerning the fickle nature of Lady Luck?  I'll thumb back and find it ...

732 SMILES BRIGHT AS SUNBEAMS :)

Upon awakening to sunbeams 
Bouncing off green leaves 
Attached to sinewy stems 
Ascending toward colorful blooms 
Stretching up toward the blue of the sky 
How can a lucky duck feel anything other than 
A garden of smiles blooming brightly inside my mind :)

Today's poem doth not suggest life is perfect

Today's poem attests to this fact:

Want to live a truly happy life?

Adopt attitudes, accepting balance in all things

As seeing is believing, tune in tomorrow ...

For a taste of tipping one attitude toward another

PS ... Geez!  Blog behaving badly, again!  :) 

731 LEFTIES :)

Clay Thompson, columnist for Az Republic writes on Friday, May 17, 2013:

The world is designed for righties ... lefties make up 10% of the world's population.  Then he goes on to say ...

According to an article in Scientific American, a study from the University College London showed no real difference in IQ test scores between righties and lefties ... however the study suggests that lefties tend to have more learning disabilities but are better able to process language, spatial relations and emotions 'in diverse and potentially creative ways'.

Professional musicians?
A greater proportion are lefties.

Batters?
Lefties are a step closer to first base than righties.

Tennis players?
Makes sense that lefties are more accustomed to playing against righties than righties playing against lefties.

Guess which I am?  :)

My learning disability?
Can't learn to shake my addiction to hope :)

730 WRAPPING POST 729 INTO TWO STATEMENTS/ONE QUESTION :)

Main points of yesterday's post:

Inner conviction outweighs the merits of outside validation after your mind set expands to consider the importance of everyone's needs.

When considering needs (not to be confused with neediness) it's of vital importance to include your own :)

Want to age wisely?
Learn what it takes to grow less self involved more mindfully self aware :)  

729 WOW! INNER CONVICTION VS OUTSIDE VALIDATION

Wow!  Just had an insight into lessening frustration by discerning whether I'm conversing with an open or closed mind set.  When it comes to mind sets, we all have them, you know.

If I can more quickly surmise which mind set I'm engaged with (open to new ideas or closed, as in afraid to 'quest' toward deeper truths, which question the validity of conventional belief systems set in stone) the communication's instructor in me can more readily decide how much energy to invest in my attempt to redirect two minds toward positively focused change, which may benefit both.  Suddenly, I'm sensing that today's train of thought may deepen my understanding of the serenity prayer:  Give me the strength to change what I can, accept what I can't and learn to discern the difference between the two ...

In light of this morning's insight into minimizing my frustration, it's plain to see my mistake in seeing myself as the leader/fixer within my extended family.  Suddenly, clarity points to the fact that my belief was too far reaching.

Upon deeper reflection into my role with extended family, I must admit that certain loved ones have never paid mind to what I had to say unless I was in full agreement with their opinions, because all they've ever wanted from me was to validate their stance during disagreements with others.  Bottom line, these loved ones conversed respectfully with me only when my opinion proved 'on their side'.

If taking sides is what matters most then logic, representing both sides, can't penetrate a mind dominated by an autocratic attitude, such as this:  It's my way or the highway, so you're with me or against me—end of discussion—start of fight.

As this  morning's train of thought picks up steam, it's clear that minds, driven by autocratic attitudes, need followers, who respond like sheep.  Therefore anyone who has acquired a wealth of knowledge in the area of family communications proves a serious threat to an autocratic regime—operating undercover.

Hmmmm—why didn't anyone explain the serenity prayer to me in greater depth when I was young???????  I mean, seriously!  How much must we learn the hard way through mind sweat and heavy hearted tears?  In truth, each of us faces the same lessons, which repeat in hopes that the day will dawn when a closed mind may actually quest, read, self educate or at least open to listening when knowledge and experience espouse reconsidering attitudes, based in outmoded beliefs, in hopes that whatever time is left to live of life feels great, through and through.  Bottom line, existential beliefs, mindful of each individual's unique needs, contradict conventional belief systems, which maintain control over the masses by threatening fear-based instincts with excommunication if we don't stick mindlessly with the herd ...

In truth, no one can motivate a narrow mind set to expand if the closed nature of this adult think tank has not absorbed the benefits of operating on the premise of 'all for one and one for all'.  The M.O. of a 'my way or highway' mind proves so subconsciously insecure as to unwittingly adhere to an attitude of 'all-for-me-and-me-for-me, no room for your needs, too'.  Holy cow—have I been barking up the wrong trees!  No wonder why certain people have no clue as to why I reset my emotional compass to focus on neutrality when problems, issues and conflicts arise.  No wonder why the minds of certain people cannot be led to resolve conflicts by way of processing through positively focused, logical, step by step plans.  I mean, the more insecure the ego, the more fight, flee, freeze—or falsely fawning—the response.

The more needy the ego, the less clue this person has concerning benefits derived, all around, from embracing attitudes driven by trains of thought leading toward win-win.  Tis self empowering to know that each time blatant insecurity blasts its horn at me, that is a signal for me to consciously step back, quietly contemplate my choices, and reconsider that which may be the wisest way to redirect my own path.  Look at it this way:  If needy person's unchanging attitude has been pushing my buttons for years, it may make sense to walk seek the nearest exit door and see what awaits on the other side of getting no place that feels good fast.

Today's insight into deeper truth, concerning marching to my own drummer, reminds me that the fixer/leader/communication's instructor in me can't lead the needy out of dark mazes of their own making.  And the classic nature of that insight proves especially true, because I've tired of knocking myself out, working to encourage a mind—habitually operating within a comfort zone, too shallow, narrow and darkly shadowed to see glimmers of light filtering in at the end of a tunnel that seemingly reaches into forever.

Rather than exhausting my mind and spirit of energy, while unsuccessfully encouraging a fearful mind to understand our common need to absorb problem solving tools, I'll remember that a needy mindset focuses, most often, on outside validation—meaning—you agree with me or—I don't believe you love me.

Gosh—look at the many gifts that one insight, leading to the next, offers up once we learn to dip into meditating quietly in hopes that our sixth sense may redirect our paths away from conventional decisions, based in the ego's need of outside validation.

If many conventional decisions are based in one's need for outside validation, then thank goodness I've grown accustomed to following my own drummer, most especially during these last twenty years of my life.  I mean, if validation is to be meaningful, then conviction, in terms of self esteem, must have sound reason to strengthen from within.  Guess this points to the fact that we can be birds of a feather with one flock at a younger stage of life until personal growth redirects one's path to fly with open mind sets, later on.

Upon reflection, I'm glad to say that my sixth sense smiled at my youngest son's decision to leave law behind in favor of riding off to Hollywood at a time when most others deemed him out of his mind.  Somehow, my sixth sense 'felt' that his decision was perfectly sane for—him.  And since reality suggests that his spirit is thriving while his mind engages with other writers, penning a hit show, now in its third season, evidently, my sixth sense was clearly in line with his own.  Bottom line, he and I sensed (as did his brothers) that his decision was on target despite the absence of outside validation from most others who feared the fact that hollywood eats most people alive.  On the other hand, the fact we three, who knew this young man so well as to be mindful of which path seemed to be his best fit, offered all of the outside validation necessary to encourage youth to follow a path that brightened his spirit.  In his words:  Being in the top 10% of my class does not mean law school is a good fit.  If I have the will to succeed at doing that which I do not want to do, imagine what I can do with a goal when my mind is fueled with positive passion!  So okay, those were not my son's exact words, but that's the gist of what his act of courage conveyed, and over these past thirteen years, this young man's sixth sense (i.e. high degree of self trust) has continued to prove on target :)

Somehow, when seen in this light, much of that which felt complex about life is simplifying for me—seemingly—overnight for this reason:  My mind has developed sound reason to engage much less often with my herding need for outside validation.  And as one insight leads to the next, this change, in terms of no longer seeing myself as family 'fixer', has actually been in the works for at least twenty years.

Though I am suddenly aware of not ever having been insightful leader/fixer to certain loved ones, I have been a knowledgable, sensitive, conscious role model, encouraging all three sons to develop a host of personal strengths, allowing each one to choose life paths of their own making ... And though they may not yet have lived enough of life's experiences to comprehend certain needs that prove vital to their mother's well being, it's important that I discern my needs for myself in the same way that my sixth sense continues to offer emotional support to each of them.

Think I had any clue that all of this was about to pour out of the depths of my mind upon awakening at 5 am?  No way!  Last night, I fell into a fitful sleep with no clue that my mind was stirring round and round, working on it's own to illuminate a train of insights as profound as the each one that empowers my mind shift away from needing outside validation in favor of freeing my spirit to set a higher value on inner conviction.  And somehow, I believe that this shift in my attitude will empower your friend, Annie, to continue to strengthen her decision-making skills as life moves forward :)

As this morning's train of insights suggests the wisdom of discerning which mind set we're conversing with, open or closed, perhaps you'll choose to join me in not investing so much energy as to knock ourselves out for too little gained as an end result.  And having expressed so much of my think tank into today's post, my mind turns to wondering what you might like to say in reply—comment box still hungry :)

As for right now, my sweet young friend, Cath, who'd lived across the cup-du-sac from our house when my sons were growing up, is coming to 'play' today, as she did when she was five :)  Though we love each other as well, today, as when Cath was a child, we'd lost touch for many years.  Recently, happily, we found each other, again, and with her one year old, Abby, on her hip, Cath's been coming to play with her older friend, Annie, again—so that that which had once delighted two, has expanded to delight three :)

Last night in readiness to offer a sense of freedom to a one year old's exploratory mind, our sculptures were placed for safe keeping in our bath tubs, allowing Kari to relax while Abby enjoys the run of the house—win/win/win :)

This afternoon, I have an appointment with EMDR therapist to encourage blocked memories to dislodge from junk drawer ... and the more I focus on emptying my junk drawer, leaving others to muster the humility and courage to examine their own—or not—the healthier my mind is—the freer my spirit feels—the lighter my heart—the brighter, each new day :)

I've also begun to look forward to exercising in water, each morning—something I shoulda/coulda done, years ago—however, readiness is everything, so rather than looking back and berating myself, I'll end today's post by sending you a warm and cheery smile while my spirit looks forward to every healthy aspect of life that my mind has consciously planned in hopes of enjoying, today 

Oh—did I think to mention dinner plans, tonight, with dear friends? :) :) :)

I'm having a hard time ending this post, knowing how much there is to say about youth giving way to enjoying one's golden years, which tend to sneak up awfully fast, and as that insight pulls today's train of thought into the station, at last, here is one last insight to muse upon, for now:  Is it not best to alert your mind set to stop spinning dark circles of emotional complexity around your life in favor of seeking insight into highlighting ways in which positive focus simplifies complexity so that, hopefully, your herding instinct will not cajole the 'uniqueness inherent within your depths' to sleep walk through the rest of your life?  No  Baaaaa hum bug for me ... :)

The sun is bright, the sky is blue, the grapefruit on Dad's memorial tree have grown from the size of peas to limes to oranges, painted green ... and once green ripens to yellow, this sweet and juicy fruit will delight my palate as much as watching my sons, who've grown into loving, accomplished men, continues to entertain my mind.  And just as each generation gives way to the next in the same way that this present crop of grapefruit will mature and be enjoyed—all will begin, again—and again—because—that, my friends, is the circle of life—of which you and I and each of our loved ones—who are meant to walk paths that differ greatly from our own—prove an active, integral part :)

PS  Want to know why this background is so white?
Your guess is as good as mine :)