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He who is not conquering fear, every day, has not yet learned the secret to life.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
When a home, filled with laughter and merriment, flips into the realm of mystery and loneliness—and if this unwelcome change remains frightening and chaotic for too long—then a deep sense of subconscious confusion may seep into a young mind. If this sense of conflicted apprehension is not resolved then self doubt may develop, and anxiety, which accompanies self doubt, may block clarity of thought, over time.
As tragic experiences cannot be erased from the pathways of the mind, my ‘secret’ source of anxiety will spike whenever I face the choice of pleasing myself or pleasing someone I love. As anxiety and inner conflict go, hand in hand, I'll find it exceptionally difficult to honor my needs over the needs of loved ones, friends, or colleagues, for decades to come.
On the other hand, once joy returns to our household, my relief will be so great that I'll stretch to great lengths ensure that warm smiles, beaming in my direction, will 'secure' my sense of inner peace. However, I'll remain unaware of this fear:
In large part, my eagerness to please will be due to the fact that my mind will have absorbed 'a-waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-attitude'. And as one day in the distant future, the other shoe will drop, I'll have reason to revisit the chaos, which had terrified me at three.
He who is not conquering fear, every day, has not yet learned the secret to life.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
When a home, filled with laughter and merriment, flips into the realm of mystery and loneliness—and if this unwelcome change remains frightening and chaotic for too long—then a deep sense of subconscious confusion may seep into a young mind. If this sense of conflicted apprehension is not resolved then self doubt may develop, and anxiety, which accompanies self doubt, may block clarity of thought, over time.
As tragic experiences cannot be erased from the pathways of the mind, my ‘secret’ source of anxiety will spike whenever I face the choice of pleasing myself or pleasing someone I love. As anxiety and inner conflict go, hand in hand, I'll find it exceptionally difficult to honor my needs over the needs of loved ones, friends, or colleagues, for decades to come.
On the other hand, once joy returns to our household, my relief will be so great that I'll stretch to great lengths ensure that warm smiles, beaming in my direction, will 'secure' my sense of inner peace. However, I'll remain unaware of this fear:
In large part, my eagerness to please will be due to the fact that my mind will have absorbed 'a-waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-attitude'. And as one day in the distant future, the other shoe will drop, I'll have reason to revisit the chaos, which had terrified me at three.
Since this hanging ‘sense’ of tragedy will remain undetected within my subconscious for many decades to come, I'll adopt a strong need for self-control. And once the other shoe drops, I'll feel compelled to tunnel into the past in hopes of exhuming misperceived beliefs, which had diminished my sense of self trust.
Throughout my adult life, I'll feed my need to resolve conflicts by absorbing, teaching, and writing articles about family communication skills. On the other hand, I'll have no clue as to why this need proves so compelling.
For years, I'll drive myself down this path, believing that I didn't want to yell at my children. It didn't occur to me that though most parents don't want to yell, the desire to be patient and kind does not compel most people to read countless books about developing speaking, listening skills, as well as personal accountability. In short, I'll have no clue as to what had actually driven my need to devote hours of energy to this quest, every day, during the early-to-rise-non-stop-years of raising my rambunctious family.
If asked, Annie, when did you find time to be an integral part of active family life, while studying, teaching, writing, sitting on boards, taking up tennis, horse back riding, skiing, and enjoying an extensive social life in general? I'd say: Youth was not wasted upon me when I was young. I'd felt more compelled to absorb this information, which still fascinates me to no end, than to sit down and relax. I'd no clue why watching TV appealed to so many. I spent my youth living. And when I did relax, a novel, concerning family life, was often seen in my hand. Now that my family is grown, I've come to appreciate another aspect of life—sleeping.
As I've had good reason and ample time to learn how to take better care of my needs, I enjoy studying, teaching, writing, socializing, reading, and sleeping! *When it comes to patience with my work progressing, I've come to embrace: Everything in its own good time. *When it comes to self control, I've come to embrace: Everything in it's proper place. *When it comes to accepting unwelcome change, a dollop of flexibility is key to peace of mind.
Throughout my adult life, I'll feed my need to resolve conflicts by absorbing, teaching, and writing articles about family communication skills. On the other hand, I'll have no clue as to why this need proves so compelling.
For years, I'll drive myself down this path, believing that I didn't want to yell at my children. It didn't occur to me that though most parents don't want to yell, the desire to be patient and kind does not compel most people to read countless books about developing speaking, listening skills, as well as personal accountability. In short, I'll have no clue as to what had actually driven my need to devote hours of energy to this quest, every day, during the early-to-rise-non-stop-years of raising my rambunctious family.
If asked, Annie, when did you find time to be an integral part of active family life, while studying, teaching, writing, sitting on boards, taking up tennis, horse back riding, skiing, and enjoying an extensive social life in general? I'd say: Youth was not wasted upon me when I was young. I'd felt more compelled to absorb this information, which still fascinates me to no end, than to sit down and relax. I'd no clue why watching TV appealed to so many. I spent my youth living. And when I did relax, a novel, concerning family life, was often seen in my hand. Now that my family is grown, I've come to appreciate another aspect of life—sleeping.
As I've had good reason and ample time to learn how to take better care of my needs, I enjoy studying, teaching, writing, socializing, reading, and sleeping! *When it comes to patience with my work progressing, I've come to embrace: Everything in its own good time. *When it comes to self control, I've come to embrace: Everything in it's proper place. *When it comes to accepting unwelcome change, a dollop of flexibility is key to peace of mind.
As years pass and my quest to deepen self-awareness proves fruitful, I've grown aware of the nature of my subconscious (and thus secret) fears. As I learn to take better care of my needs, I'll watch my relationships undergo a series of unsettling changes, which few will understand. As a result of coming to 'know myself' more fully, my decision-making process will deviate from that which others had come to expect of me. Though I'll consciously consider my needs, I'll not value the concept of generosity of spirit less. Even so, I'll hear words like 'selfish', and all hell will break loose—inside me. Why inside me? My habitual hold on self control will have become so well developed that I'll unwittingly repress frustration until inner conflict wholly exhausts my mind, body, and spirit. As we move through the stories of my life, and you watch me work to identify personal vulnerabilities in hopes of developing inner strengths, I'll serve as an example of the human need for balance. Centeredness. Inner peace.
On the other hand, what may fate have in store for a child born in the aftermath of our family's tragedy? Which traits might this child, who'd not tumbled into an abyss of sustained torment, adopt? Might a death, which had occurred before this baby's birth, influence the adoption of self defeating traits, as well?
MisperceptionsConcerning ourselves and others
Run rampant for many reasons
*Misperceptions mess with our minds
How doth I know this to be true?
I've seen Much Ado About Nothing
And though some things change
*Human nature stays crazily the same
So, we all need to get a clue
As to when your brain is fooling you
Or my brain is fooling me
In short, it's helpful to know when
Our brains are fooling us, both!
If, at this point, you ask:
Why did you become a pleaser? Why didn't you 'act out' for attention, instead?
I'd answer: Let's track back to my childhood, and every question, left dangling, will be answered in its own good time...
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