362 CAUTION: DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH ...

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN DISILLUSIONED IDEALISM BLINDS US FROM ACCEPTING THE REALITIES OF LIFE?

This train of thought summarizes changes, which may cause relationships to alter in painful ways. Though these thoughts coupled up over the past few days, I've decided to post them, intact.  However, just because I choose to post a train of thought, all at once, doesn’t mean it must be read in one sitting.  See rest stops, highlighted along the way. J   

So, what if ‘IN THE BEGINNING’

You’d lucked out?

What if right off the bat

Fate offered you an ideal perspective of life

What if you’d been born to a tenderly loving woman

Who’d married a lovingly passionate man

What if a dynamic Grandma had lived with you

What if you’d crowned yourself first grandchild on both sides

What if your dad’s parents had adored you

What if your dad’s younger, single sisters did, too

What if you’d been the sun

Around which each of these planets revolved?

What if your spirit had been energized

By the delight you’d seen in their smiles

What if no matter how much or how little you produced

Every new feat you’d accomplished naturally

And thus fearlessly

Had inspired sparkling laughter and attentive accolades

All around

What if everyone had been healthy and financially secure

What if all of that good fortunate had been yours

For the first three years of your life

What if common sense suggests

That that which a child experiences

Is all the child can know of life?

(Likely place to pause)

What if one bright, crisp fall day, fate stormed in

Lightening struck and good fortune changed

In such an utterly devastating way that

Your idealistic perception of life

Was smashed to smithereens?

What if this change
Was so horrifyingly confounding
That every high spirited and secure portion

Of your three-year-old mind was utterly blown?

What if your spirit was cast into a thunderous quagmire

Of such dark and terrifying proportions

That your perceptions, concerning life, muddied up?

What if suddenly, and without so much as a warning,

Nothing about daily life made sense and

Your sense of clarity felt more muddled, day by day?

What if, as weeks passed

And the secure foundation of your family

Seemed shattered, forever

Your three-year-old mind trembled

At its inability to fathom the black hole

Which had opened up and sucked up

Every smile, every laugh, every tickle

Every connection to the sunny idealistic view

That had been yours?

What if your tears begin to well and fall …

Matching the tears you’d watched, all around

And then …

What if for some unknown reason

Which you’d not surmise for decades …

You began to develop a fear of the unknown
However, this fear will have developed
Within a deep pocket within your subconscious

And thus you’ll be utterly unaware of this fear—

Until fate offers you a reason

To dig into those pockets

When, as an adult, you consciously choose

To work at identifying fears

Which had injected a three-year-old's high-flying spirit
With the weight of this irrational feeling:

I must have done something to kill my family’s joy

(Likely place to pause)

What if you'd come to own this dark, fearful feeling

What if at the age of three
Your mind began to harbor this gnawing state of anxiety?

Might one dark feeling lead to more, until

A series of fearful and thus negatively focused trains of thought

Crashed into one another, for decades without end?

What if your innocent mind

Produced a pile-up of irrational guilt

Which undermined logic, concerning self worth?

What if dark fears transition into beliefs

Which, eventually, weigh so heavy that your spirit sags and …

Subconscious insecurity quakes with the feeling

That everything in the family

Which (fate) had changed for the worse

Had mysteriously been your fault!

What if you remain utterly unaware

Of harboring this irrational feeling

Of needing to pay penance

In retribution for this mysterious feeling of guilt?

What if you itch, painfully, to get out of your skin?

Doesn’t common sense suggest

That the mind of this really good, intelligent child

May hide such an overwhelming fear
Behind a wall of denial
Might a bright smile mask this wall
Behind which misery lumbers around, heavily, inside?

Might the mind of this child unknowingly assume responsibility

For cleaning up every problem

That messes with the family’s wellbeing

From that time on?

(Likely place to pause)

What if the innocent mind of a child
Who grows up as a mystery to herself
Believes that whatever she or he feels or fears

Or has been taught, is true?

Might common sense suggest

That it does not matter if logic ‘knows’ that

This child is not accountable for every problem

That fate forces a family to face?

Might subconscious guilt
Prey upon vulnerabilities

Like a vulture hovering in wait
To devour a severely wounded animal?

Might undeserved guilt deny

Logical trains of thought to the point of

Compelling a wearied mind to stretch farther

Than half-baked strengths can reach?

How might idealism
Empower the power of one

With the belief and fortitude to resolve every conflict

Or solve every problem that ever arises?

(Likely place to pause)

Tis plain to see that as this child develops

Stage by stage into a solution-seeking adult

Subconscious fires may inspire the conscious mind
To absorb problem solving skills

Which prove so successful

That this person’s presence is requested

Every time anyone experiences distress

It's highly probable that in response to family distress

This child’s needs will dim in comparison

And as the problem-solver's needs are dropped

A flight is booked

And help flies in, as naturally as a beam of sunlight

Warms and brightens dark corners throughout the world at large
And as this development becomes an accepted pattern
No one sees imbalance as relationships develop

(Likely place to pause)

What if for decades

You make such good use of your mind and spirit

That your presence re-energizes

The sagging spirits of everyone you love?

Everyone you meet?

What if your powers expand as you choose to

Study problem solving techniques …

Which encourage your mind to embrace and absorb

Communication skills

Personally and professionally?
What if communication skills are comprised
Of speaking and listening skills?

What if having done everything in your power

To resuscitate, brighten and lift every spirit

That rants at the dark, stormy skies of fate

Certain spirits continue to droop at half-mast?

What if the day dawns when the super powers

Of your solution seeking mind and your high-flying spirit …

Or should I say, my solution seeking mind

And my high-flying spirit

Confront a head wind … and rather than

Two heads being better than one

My head butts heads with loved ones

Whose narrow views prove too strong willed

To reconsider perceptions, which may be based

In red, hot, blind spots of their own?

What if the strength of your will, I mean, my will, searches  …

high and low for a way to help an entire group

Of good people exit from a dark, dank, emotional maze

Which grows more baffling by the day

For years without end!

What if, finally, your … I mean my … mind and spirit

And body stretch past the point of exhaustion?

Doesn’t common sense suggest that …

If my mind, body, and spirit wore thin

From unknowingly taking on too much work

While stretching toward securing the good health of others …

And if I'd grown aware of what had caused my exhaustion ...

And if I’d voiced my need for assistance, desperately, for years, to no avail …

And if congested minds had not listened to my many pleas for help, seriously ...

And if, having received too little help or relief

Disillusionment depressed my spirit, big time

Then doesn’t it make sense to separate and silence my voice

From every voice …

Who’d professed to know what was wrong—with me

When in truth, none had a clue of our lopsided pattern, and …

Neither did I!
And then when INSIGHT led to DEEPER TRUTHS and EPIPHANY hit

I began to write this blog, which is APTLY named:

HAVE YOU GOT A CLUE

OR IS YOUR BRAIN STILL FOOLING YOU?

(Likely place to pause)

So, what do you think?
Doesn’t it make sense to rest a mind

Which had stretched and strived to be heard

Again and again, to no avail?

Doesn’t it make sense

That after having stretched the whole of me too far

In hopes of being heard to no avail

That, I’d choose seek a path in which to heal ...

In hopes of resetting my spirit and regaining a sense of inner peace 

Both of which had been lost
When I’d unknowingly chosen to tread the paths of others, over long?

Thank goodness I’d sought guidance to help me refocus upon a path

Where new trains of logical thought

Eventually, drew forth the same problem solving skills

Stored within the silo of my mind

Which I’d consciously acquired

In hopes of enticing

The positive focus of others to revitalize

Thank goodness I thought to reset my focus toward

Pondering upon the inception of this mysterious maze

Which had caught a group of intelligent

Well-educated minds, by surprise

Thus casting them, one by one

Into a tunnel, too dark to see the light of day!
Thanks goodness some have come to understand
What actually took place
Sadly, others stand firm behind defensive walls
And that, too, my friends, is the reality of life

(Likely place to pause)

Tis sad but true that really good people

May never figure out how to gain control

Over negative trains of thought

While attempting to come to each other’s aid ...

And when good hearts and stout minds wander in darkness …

Then, doesn’t it make sense to ask a question such as this:

Can you imagine how terribly sad all of this has been

On the parts of everyone who cares?

On the other hand

What if pondering a confounding maze

Upon Walden Pond—

For as long as it takes to refocus one’s sense of clarity

Proves to be the most positively focused decision

That I’ve ever made?

What if thinking to open my memory bank and withdraw

Tried and true problem solving skills demands

Choosing a path of quiet solitude in which to ponder over the past?

What if solitude sparks positively focused trains of thought

Which fire up insights

Which light up deeper truths

Which cause bigger pictures to emerge

Which brighten the dark spots of our minds

Thus lightening a heart that carried the heavy weight

Of undeserved guilt, unnecessarily for years!

What if, upon unearthing subconscious fires of fury

A peaceful state of mind
Operates like a well tuned instrument, again!

Once the confounding nature of such a hazy maze clarifies
Might a person come to see

How fearful misperceptions, false beliefs

And angry misunderstandings

Filter into conversations until good people

Who care deeply for each other

Dig their most highly valued relationships

Into such deep black holes

That defensive walls, smokescreens and funhouse mirrors

Cause dilemmas to grow ever more dauntingly complex …

And … though everyone has an opinion

No one has a clue

As to the burning nature of defensiveness

Which classically, universally, and timelessly

Fires up these confounding mazes in the first place!

(Likely place to pause)

What if the defense maze to which I refer

Had been sparked by an unexpected change?

What if this change came as a shock to everyone who cared?
What if some were too busy to take serious note of the change?

What if denial had blinded others to the re-emergence of yesteryear's fears?

What if logical thought doesn’t think to track back far enough into the past

To collect data, necessary to astute problem-solving?

What if having placed my detective’s hat upon my head

I began to dig around and tunnel in earnest, back and forth until…

My mind began to excavate and perceive of

Portions of the past as never before?

What if clue led to clue until detail after detail emerged

From within the deepest pockets of my memory bank?

What if as low clues came together Bigger Pictures appeared!

What if Bigger Pictures expanded my perspective, concerning

The role I’d unknowingly adopted in our family

When I was too young to fathom

The tragic experience, which had caused my family life

To spin out of control when I was a tot of three!

What if now that I fathom the underlying reasons

For yesteryear’s terrifying changes—

I’ve learned how to separate anxiety, which signals

The possibility of a near and present danger

From anxiety, which lumbers about within the subconscious
And emerges in the form of  undeserved guilt from the past?

(Likely place to pause)

What if I’ve worked to carve healthy pathways

Like open freeways in my mind?

What if I can peel away irrational thoughts

Which had caused me to feel personally responsible, far and wide

For soothing every wound in need of healing?

What if my mind has absorbed this fact more deeply than ever before:

I can stop myself from feeling responsible to salve the unhappy state

Of everyone’s well being!

What if, having worked to carve healthy pathways

Into my mind, I've freed myself from experiencing

Anxiety-provoking bouts of undeserved guilt

What if I choose to concentrate my energy

Upon completing the work that's necessary 

To heal painful wounds of my own

Which had remained subconsciously raw?
If I had heard myself referred to as 'selfish' in reaction to my new perceptions
Might I not have separated from perceptions as negatively focused as these?

If asked:  How has separation proved self-soothing to me?

I’d reply, this is what works for me:

I take myself to a quiet place in which to re-evaluate thought-processing patterns

Which had developed when I was too young to think for myself

You see, thinking patterns are like tires, which hit too many bumps

And get knocked out of alignment

When the mind hits too many bumps and
Thinking patterns get off track, we may lose sight of a logical path

While working to get my mind in line with—REALITY

I post my thought processing progress on line

For this reason:

I hope that by watching my sense self awareness readjust

You may consider insightful trains of thought
Which up the holes in my ship

And when my ship stops sinking, my spirit is automatically buoyed

Insights offer me new modes of mental transportation …

Which refocus and rebalance my mind …

And thus, each time I launch a post, packed with insights, into cyberspace

I entertain the hope that countless minds may feel enticed

To muster the humility and courage

To remove defensive blinders ...

Peel away layers of defensive walls, and transform pretense

Into honest connection by reconsidering perceptions

Which may prove to be misperceptions, based in too few facts!

(Likely place to pause)

As we peer more deeply into my subconscious

And we see pockets of fear turn inside out

Perhaps we can tunnel toward deeper truths, together …

Perhaps we’ll each uncover sets of false beliefs

Which may have shattered self-confident thinking patterns
When we were young ...

Perhaps we can identify experiences
Which sparked insecurity at an early stage of your development

Perhaps at this inexperienced stage, you could not yet fathom insights
Which serve to enlighten whatever had darkened the sunny side

Of a frightened child’s mind

And if you ask why I believe in spotlighting dark spots

In hopes of shining DEEPER TRUTHS on walls of denial, I’d say:

No child leaves childhood unscathed

And thus, at some point in every life

A black hole opens up

And sucks the sun from some part of our spirits

And if we don’t ask for help to expose

Blind spots, which may have developed

We’ll not know which of our perceptions

Have taken take a wrong turn, early on

And as long as we remain unaware of where we’re still blind

A heap of trouble keeps piling up

And rather than looking up and reaching, self confidently, for the stars

We look down in the mouth
And our spirits sag
And our blinders narrow our perspective
So that we see no choice other than to

Wander ever more deeply into the confusing maze of darkness

Where the blame game picks up the pace

And if others blame us for their pain
And we absorb undeserved guilt, as well

We may stumbled along without a clue
Of how common it is

For idealistic disillusionment to lead us

Down a path where despair lurks in the shadows
Waiting to devour our half baked strengths, whole

On the other hand
Once self awareness began to deepen

My path began to wind
More often than not
Toward understanding, which leads to compassion

Which leads to readiness for forgiveness

Which does not lead, on it’s own, toward trust ...

For this reason:

Once betrayal shatters trust
Time must pass and life must be reconsidered

Before defensive walls soften and slough

In the wake of betrayal, a whole new sense of trust

Must develop, layer by layer, on both sides

And thus must a new foundation be laid

Before a whole new friendship establishes itself, over time

(Likely place to pause)
Today, while my body works to recover from the flu

My mind feels hopeful

That my spirit will muster the courage

To expose—on line—the next part of my history

When a dark tragedy caused me to lose my way

For quite some time—decades in fact …

And when these next portions of my story unfold

You’ll see why my early sense of idealism

Had reason to switch, subconsciously, to a disillusioned path …

And as you watch me grow up

Date, fall in love, marry and raise children of my own

I believe you’ll come to understand

How a free spirit, born to an idealistic take on life

May be wise to work toward refocusing subconscious disillusionment …

By seeking insights into deeper truths

Until a series of epiphanies electrify the mind

And each time a bolt of lightening strikes another blind spot

Another secret, too fearsome to fathom

May be illuminated within a spotlight of self awareness, at last

(Likely place to pause)
Little by little, you’ll watch confusion transform into clarity

Little by little you'll see why
I've come to believe that optimistic realism
Is a life force in and of itself

Step by step, mindfulness will empower my spirit

To develop inner strengths, which will sustain my connection

To ‘the power of one’

And by exposing the most personal aspects of my life
I believe you and I will witness

The fact that when a child feels well loved

A mind that developed a high level of self esteem, early on
May crash, but not burn

(Likely place to pause)

Now mind you, I’m not promising

To resume the next part of our family’s tragedy

Tomorrow or the day after that

Because I’ve learned the folly of pressuring myself

Before readiness feels as natural as reciting my A,B,C’s

On the other hand, I can, with all humility, tell you this:

If you gather the patience to absorb

My rambling wordiness

While my sense of readiness ripens on its own

Then I believe the insights flowing through each part

Of my stories will prove to be worth your wait

And as I feel my body recovering from the flu

I think it’s safe to say that

My story will pick up from where it left off …

Soon, my friends, soon …

(Likely place to pause)

PS

I agree with Anne Frank

Who wrote at the tender, inexperienced age of thirteen:

I believe people are good, deep inside

On the other hand
I can’t help but wonder
What Anne might have added to the diary
Which she’d written while in hiding

When courageous hearts had offered protection
From the cold hearted guns, snarling dogs, and atrocities of the SS?

I wonder what this innocent child may have written

Had she been one of the few children

Who’d miraculously survived a death camp

Like Auschwitz

Where the brutality, inherent in the dark and beastly side of human nature,

Swooped down, like flocks of cold blooded vultures

Who devoured this child’s vulnerabilities?

On one hand

I believe we each live life

To the best of our present ability

On the other hand

Conflict commonly brings out the defensive nature of the beast

On one hand

I believe we are born with the potential

To live heroically

To inspire positive change

To gather patience and muster courage for as long as it takes …

On the other I know how fear can undermine
The student’s readiness to embrace DEEPER TRUTHS

I know how personal need and defensiveness push common sense aside

I believe we communicate clearly

Until fate slams us with an experience so terrifying

As to darken one perception after another

Until a slew of darkened perceptions

Crack through the foundation of emotional security

And logic is thrown off track

And your guess is as good as mine

As to which perceptions—

That we’d never in our wildest nightmares

Expect to emerge, do emerge
And once the dark side takes control over our minds
The thoughts of good people spin out of control
And friends are mistaken for foe

Today, I have reason to believe

We'd be wise to figure out which experiences

May have cast certain fears behind defensive walls of denial

Today, I have reason to believe

It's wise to revisit certain relationships

To see where we’d been blind to needs
Which had begged for recognition
And as these investigations may cause our egos to take a beating
Reviewing past perceptions demands courageous and humility
Why?  The answer is twofold: We may have to eat crow

And while working in earnest to heal old wounds
We'll most likely experience
The pain of wounds, left raw and festering, deep inside
Before gaining peace of mind

On the other hand
When two minds, fortified by humility, revisit old perceptions
In hopes of healing a wounded relationship

That is when Trustful connections

Which had torn, tend to mend …

(Likely place to pause)

PSS … If you’ve yet to read post #1

May I suggest you consider that at this time

And may I suggest reading each story?

In this way you'll experience examples of
Dark secrets, lurking within

hidden pockets, deep inside my mind

Which had unnerved

My sense of inner peace

As though swarms of flies had buzzed in and out of my ear

Today, I refuse to allow

Subconscious secrets, which run interference

With my sense of inner peace
To buzz around
For example—

A few years back, I’d felt the need to place my detective’s hat

Upon my head for this reason:
I thought I knew why tears kept pouring down my face, non stop
Then, one day, something changed and instinct felt

A compelling need to dig deeper into my memory bank to loosen clues

Until a dark secret revealed itself to me
And this dark secret enabled me to see that I'd not had a clue as to why
I couldn't turn that faucet off!

Today, my peace of mind needs to feel relieved of unexplored stress, again

Today, I'm mustering the courage to ready my mind

To strip away denial and confront some experience

Which had terrified my mind when I was a vulnerable child

You see, just as some children have the need to invent imaginary friends

I believe that I’d developed such a strong aversion to harsh truths that

My mind carved out a path that left reality behind

And thus does imagination offer us safe haven in different ways

On the other hand
Within the impenetrable walls of Denialand

Reality kept knocking at anxiety

Until I'd developed the maturity to
Know the sum of my parts as a whole

(Likely place to pause)

Having identified myself as an idealistically disillusioned soul

I worked consciously to embrace an optimistic sense of reality

And thus do I continue to work at empowering my mind

To relieve pockets of  fear as well as pockets of undeserved guilt

And when asked what works for me when I feel the need
To restore a lost sense of inner peace, I reply:

I take time to unpack the baggage that an innocent child

Had not been aware of lugging into Denialand

As I’ve matured, I've grown ever more deeply aware

Of how often traumatic experiences

Left unresolved, create anxiety, today

I believe

It’s vital to my good health

To explore any unsavory experience
That undermines peace of mind and narrows my comfort zones 

Why at this late time in my life?

Pure and simple:

Tis a matter of readiness, my friend…

I’ve learned to trust my instincts

I’ve come to see myself as a

Self-trusting Truth Seeker

And if asked what does that mean?  I’d reply:

Once I came to see how defensiveness and denial

Conspired to distort my views

I worked to recognize reality as it truly exists

You see, perceptions change but

Deeper truths stay the same

And upon reviewing and expanding many of my views

This certified communication’s instructor

Has chosen to write about situations that heighten our anxiety

In classic, universal and timeless ways
And if you are reading this post

And if you choose to read my stories

Then perhaps you, too, prove to be

A Deeper Truth Seeker, like me!

(Likely place to pause)

Note to self:

Make good use of tomorrow’s energy

Refrain from going back to edit a post

As lengthy as this.

As it is written so it shall stand

(Likely place to pause)

Last PSSS!

Upon review

I’m glad to note

That blind spots

Which had caused me to absorb undeserved guilt
Had shifted too much responsibility

For the well fare of others onto my shoulders, as well

As everyone makes mistakes
I’m relieved to know that my mistake

Had been based in blind spots

Which caused my heart to stretch too far

Toward helping others to heal

Rather than having turned a deaf ear

To the serious nature of another’s plight

And perhaps that’s why

 I can bare my misperceptions with humility

Rather than burning with such searing humiliation

That I can’t get past defensive walls

Though I’d always known myself to be a good person

Now, having shed layers of undeserved guilt
I can feel a sense of goodness, shining forth from within my core

And the difference between ‘thinking’ to know myself

In short, when fate thunders down
And life darkens in a way so bizarre and stormy that

The path ahead grows bumpy and blurry
Tis easy for good people to lose our way

And thus does one lead others into a maze where clarity

Based in reality, can not see the light of day
On the other hand

Here is what I've come to know concerning myself:
When life grows dark

I can count on generosity of spirit

To refocus my attitude toward the positive

And with positive focus as my guide
Eventually I lead myself out of the maze

And I must admit that when it comes to clarity

I'm aghast at the length of this post!
On the other hand—

I could not stop this gerbil on a wheel from chasing its tail to save my life!
Thank goodness, this train of thought has pulled into the station, at  last!