Each time the need to write certain insights, repeatedly, takes control of my mind, I am alerted to this probability: I am struggling to expose an experience, which had paralyzed my mind with fear when I was a child. And when a mind is paralyzed by fear, defensive walls go up, and resultant of this, some natural aspect of development gets stuck in a darkly confounding place. Upon reviewing insights, in hopes of channeling toward deeper truths, my inner strengths are empowered to move latent fear aside. And as I work faithfully, and thus patiently, to absorb these insights more deeply than ever before, ultimately, deeper truth emerge, which set me free. Each time insight detects and disarms another latent fear, guess which traits strengthen, yet again? Self respect and self trust.
I do not fear exposing personal experiences to you. The exposure, which inspires resistance as I write, is focused at some vulnerability, which will escape as I dismantle each next layer of my defensive wall. Though subconscious layers of defensiveness are erected to protect the vulnerability of an inexperienced mind from succumbing to terror, once upon a time, they are as hard to separate as the fibers of electrical tape.
I persist in working toward dismantling deeper layers of self-protection in hopes of detecting misperceptions, which had shaped up, long ago, concerning myself and others. Though I know that this dismantling process is necessary for healing, I can't stop feeling visceral reactions which seep out of subconscious pockets, each time I sit down to post a story before readiness to 'visit' pain ripens. And this makes sense because ... no pain no gain.
*As you can see, working to stretch beyond my comfort zone in hopes of relieving my mind of latent anxiety, requires patience, courage and tenacity. Though anxiety makes us want to run away... I am drawn to the computer, day after day. So what makes me persevere? My belief in this fact:
*Beyond each layer of defensive anxiety, classic insights lie in wait to free my mind of fearsome perceptions, which do not serve me well, today.
Post by post, my mind works to soak in wisdom, inherent in classic insights, more deeply than the day before. I liken this process to working to absorb the ABCs! From A-Z. I mean, without the ABC's we can't learn to read. *So, post by post, I enrich my mind in hopes of reading myself more clearly than before.
As each insight serves to broaden my perspective, my mind frees itself of one hot spot of pain after another. Thus do I consider this task, which I pursue with a passion, to be my daily work. And once I took on the responsibility of sharing this fruitful process of healing from trauma with the world, I began to knead those insights, along with my vulnerabilities, into dough within the mixmaster of my mind. With no timer in sight while baking the dough, I open the oven and take peeks in hopes that as inner strengths emerge, each will be more fully baked than before. And while working away at cooking up this recipe for healing, I depend on instinct to suggest that inner strengths are shoring up, meaning that readiness to excavate subconscious vulnerabilities is ripe.
*In short, learning to recite an insight is like reciting the ABC's. On the other hand, working to absorb insights, systemically into the fiber of my brain, in hopes of reading myself more clearly, today, than ever before, is another. Here's another example: Multiplication tables are not absorbed in a day. And higher math depends on that.
As a mind works to unburden itself of fear, which, in the wake of trauma, is known to overwhelm logic, narrow perceptions expand; self esteem heightens and spirits lighten up. As our sense of inner peace deepens, we make strides toward developing the leverage to transform latent insecurities into emotional maturity, grounded in logic. With maturity,positive attitudes embrace generosity of spirit.
Once logic, generosity and expanded views are processed, together, and placed in the oven, I tend to understand that which had stymied me before. With understanding, fearful misperceptions, leading to negative judgments, which put people down by dismissing their strengths, are reconsidered. Each time my expanded perceptions are reality based, compassion replaces frustration, and forgiveness is not far behind.
As long as each post moves my sense of stalled development forward, I'll continue to share my thoughts with those of you who care to absorb insights, more deeply, as well. You see, any forward movement indicates that I'm not a gerbil on a wheel, after all. Upon reconsideration, that perception proves to be yet another negatively focused misperception, which seeps out of the side of my mind that puts me down. Since I know that that negatively focused side muddies up my generosity of spirit, I am inspired to work at absorbing positively focused insights more deeply, again and again. And each time positivity lights up a dark pocket in my mind, the gerbil jumps off the wheel, opens the unlocked door of its cage and turns into a real life woman with an intelligent, courageous brain ... you know, like Pinocchio transformed from a little wooden head into a real live boy. Now imagine this: The versatility of our brains kneads the concepts of Pinocchio, Gepetto, and Jimminy, into the mind of each human being.
At this stage of my life, I make the conscious choice of placing Gepetto, and Jimminy in charge of my brain more often than Pinoch! J
If I hope to absorb all three into one, this process of healing demands that I dismantle defensive walls. However, once those walls come down, I don't want my vulnerabilities to go flapping in the wind! And that's why:
*I work to replace defensive walls with inner strengths, which are no longer half baked.
*Each time I sense the need to knead two strengths, like patience and courage, together, I write of classic insights which fortify my conscious mind until subconscious readiness ripens and another layer of defensive resistance gives way to self trust.
PS. If you made it all the way through the train of insights within post 362, my hat is off to you. And if you chose another path, no problem, because my process and your process may not be the same.
*You see, when two hearts hope to meet at the same destination, each mind must choose a road that will take those good souls from wherever they are—right now—to where each spirit hopes to go. Fortunately many roads exist, from which to choose, along the way. As we turn this way and that in hopes that our paths may converge, an intersection may appear, where a meeting of two minds actually takes place.
Being a woman, who works at making better use of her noodle, day by day, I have no problem asking for direction at times when I fear to have lost my peace of mind. And thus, you'll watch me seek guidance in resetting my emotional compass when my generosity of spirit feels so betrayed that I'm too blinded by anger to make my way toward a positively focused track on my own. J
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