So let's see, where were we ... oh yes ... now that I've calmed down both tykes, I turn to four year old Aidan and begin to explain my family's three step problem solving plan:
Whenever our family needs to solve a problem we use a three step plan.
Since we all rely on this plan, no one needs to get too mad.
If for some reason (exhaustion, hunger, brewing illness) someone can't calm down fast enough to think, listen and talk calmly, we remind each other to take time out. When everyone's ready, here is what we say out loud:
I'm ready to solve problems, now.
When everyone's ready, we make good use of the plan.
Do you understand all of that?
As Aidan knows all about time out, his head shakes up and down.
Next, I turn toward David to ask if he's calm enough to help me explain the plan to his friend. As David nods, yes, I switch back to Aidan.
Aidan, here's how our problem solving plan works—pretty much every time:
As soon as a fight heats up, I stop what I'm doing, walk in and ask: Do you need help solving a problem or will it just go away? Though sometimes a problem seems to disappear as soon as I walk in, usually, the children need my help, so I stay and say: Okay, let's use the plan.
At this point the teacher in me asks Aidan:
Is it okay if David helps me explain the plan to you?
Feeling respected, calm and curious, Aidan nods, yes.
I respond with a smile and a thank you before turning to David, who looks eager to help his friend understand what went wrong:
Step one: state the problem
David, you look like you have a problem; can you tell me what it is?
Yes I can ...
Aidan took off his clothes in the family room, and now we can't go swimming.
Turning back to Aidan, I explain: When a problem pops up that means a rule has been broken:
Step two: state the rule
David, can you please tell Aidan our family rule?
Yes I can ...
Our rule says clothes cannot be thrown all over our house.
Now that the ball's rolling, it's time to alternate asking the boys questions:
Aidan, are you beginning to understand that David got mad when a rule was broken?
Aidan, still sniffling but looking to be agreeable, offers a confused, little nod ...
While offering a tissue to Aidan, I ask David ...
Do you know why Aidan got mad at you?
Now David looks perplexed, so I smile and explain to my youngest son:
Our family rule is not Aidan's family's rule.
Though David still looks perplexed, he says, Oh.
At this point, it seems wise to focus solely on teaching the plan, so I direct David back to the main topic by asking if he can explain why our family can't swim when clothes are strewn all over the place ...
Yes I can. Looking at Aidan, David says, Mommy gets mad when we leave clothes all over the house. We can't swim till Mommy's happy, again.
Aidan, do you understand that?
Since Aidan has a pool and a mom, who gets angry about the same problem, a bright awareness breaks through dark clouds of confusion, and this little guy's nod is not confused at all :)
David, can you tell Aidan what consequence takes place when this rule is broken?
Yes I can ...
Step three: State the consequence
When clothes are thrown around, no one swims till clothes are put back on and taken off in the right place.
Mommy, beaming, looks proud of David.
She can't wait to grab a notecard and jot this down to relate to her class!
David, smiling in return, looks mighty proud of himself; self esteem is high!
Aidan looks confused, again.
Though Aidan's mind now holds several pieces of the puzzle, the whole picture has not yet come together for him. However his four year old mind feels eager to understand the bigger picture for this reason: A knowledgable, experienced leader has skillfully aligned all three attitudes along such a positive path that every ear is focused toward cooperative learning while teaching is taking place ... Woo hoo! :)
Intuitively encouraged by past success, this self-disciplined parent, teacher, role modeling leader, moves forward:
Aidan, here's why we need to use this plan:
We go swimming several times a day.
I've been teaching everyone to take off their clothes in their bedrooms and put on the same clothes after swimming. As no one listened deeply enough to remember my request, I got tired of being ignored. Being ignored is a problem for me. Each time our family has a problem to solve, we use this three step plan, so everyone knows what the consequence will be—next time. Eventually, everyone who plays at our house solves problems by using our plan.
Now Mommy turns to David: Can you tell Aidan what happens when clothes are left all over?
Yes I can. When clothes are left all over, whoever breaks the rule pays the consequence that matches that rule.
David, can you tell Aidan more?
Yes, I can.
No one can swim until everyone follows the rule.
Much to Annie's delight, she is discovering that four year olds absorb problem-solving savvy while watching everyone in the family putting tools to good use. For example, David's use of the word 'consequence' feels natural to him.
Annie's also devised a way to turn peer pressure into a positive tool, meaning that her children rarely gang up against authority, resentfully. Instead of pulling in their ears rebelliously, they've learned to listen openly to hear what's about to take place, next. In this way does an attitude of one for all and all for one win the day, more readily, year by year :)
As the full wattage of her smile beams at her youngest son, we can picture Annie saying: David, can you tell Aidan why you think he needs to put his clothes back on before we can swim?
Yes I can.
If we do something wrong then we need to do it over, and get it right.
As a teacher of other people's children, I'd decided to employ this technique while teaching my children at home. You know the drill: Misspell words on spelling tests, write each one five times. Get a math problem wrong, do that 'problem' over for the next day. Take off your clothes in the wrong place, put them back on, take off, again, in right place. As this method of logical problem-solving offers solutions at a level that proves basic enough for most ages to comprehend, awareness shines forth as Aidan's eyes light up! :)
If asked why my kids did not stamp their feet and refuse to pay logical consequences, I'd say, think about it: Positively focused discipline techniques inspire minds of all ages toward sidestepping power struggles, which ensue when tension abounds. As logical problem solving does not depend upon a show of force, issues do not escalate, so resistance is minimized. Rather than dangling punishment above small heads, young minds tend toward absorbing problem solving skills, which set the entire group's focus upon seeking viable solutions. Having paid a consequence once, every child understood that they could no longer pick up clothes and carry them to their rooms, because we'd been there, tried that, didn't work, too easy to forget, again and again. In short, bright minds 'got' the logic of correcting mistakes on the spot :)
As I'd wanted problems resolved, once and for all, I conjured up logical consequences that small fry would not want to pay more than once—meaning that the result of misbehavior stuck in their minds without feeling punitive. And when it came to small fry changing behavior after paying a creative consequence once—well, as you shall see in stories down the road—this simple three step sanity saving problem solving plan met with success most of the time :)
In my experience, astute leadership does not depend upon genius but rather generosity of spirit whipped together with dollops of creativity. Since children's minds drip with creativity—a by product of imagination—you may want to dust off your imagination while musing over stories describing solutions, combining positively focused attitudes with creativity and logic :)
Anyhow, now that David is calm and Aidan no longer fears his best bud crazy, I take a moment to offer the boys this short explanation of family rules vs. house rules:
Family rules fit our family to a tee.
For example, bedtimes depend upon age.
House rules go for everyone, including those who come to play.
Example? No jumping on the couch.
Turning to David, I explain: Placing clothes in bedrooms is a family rule, so Aidan does not need to put his clothes back on, today, because he is a guest.
Though this makes sense to me, David thunders up.
That's not fair! That's not fair!
After all, a four year old can only take so much logic in one day. :)
While calming David, I think quietly and say to self:
Hmmm—my first thought's not always my best thought.
Now that the boys have just turned four, Aidan plays here a lot.
And since it's summer, they'll swim more than once, every day.
So, turning to Aidan I express these thoughts aloud and ask if he'll make life easy for all of us by following family rules when he comes to play.
Feeling well respected, Aidan agrees. And as cooperatively as you please, he stands up, slips his tee over his head, pulls up his shorts, runs to David's room, drops his duds on the floor next to his best bud's ... and smiling winningly, we three scamper off to dive into the cool blue of our sun heated pool :)
Hurray for yet another success story on the home front! :)
This story has been related in classes for over thirty years.
From that day on when heated conflicts arose between the boys, I'd encourage David (after asking if time out is necessary to calm him down) to explain to Aidan how the three step plan worked in each particular case.
As to Aidan, upon settling down, he'd listen cooperatively, even avidly, because pretty soon, he'd decided that being accepted as the fourth brother in the Shapp family felt swell.
For more than three decades, this mutually respecting friendship, thriving on trust, has seen two tykes remain pretty much indivisible, not only during pre school, grammar school, high school and after school as team mates in sport after sport but every weekend from Friday till Sunday—through thick and thin. Upon attending colleges on both coasts, their friendship flew through cyberspace across the miles, and when David, feeling deeply honored to be Aidan's best man, got choked up while attempting to make his heartfelt toast, so did the groom. And when both men stood, hugging, tears flowing freely, before an audience of 200, the bride saved the day with: Wow! Can you believe these guys!
All in all, if there's one thing these two learned about lasting friendship it is this: Though friendship is at first based in fun, the main bonds of lasting friendship go by the name of mutual respect and self trust—and it can't hurt to wear a Speedo under a tux, because it's a known fact that most hotels have pools :)
Oft times hands are raised as a class participant says: Annie, I don't have time to offer explanations like this, and anyway, my kids wouldn't sit still long enough to listen. At that, I smile and respond: Of course you have time, and here's why I have faith in your kids learning to listen up, same as mine:
Number one: We teach only when all is calm on both sides.
Number two: Time spent explaining this plan replaces time spent yelling—thus participating in tantrums that go on too long :)
Number three: Each plan is simple, so your explanations will be much shorter than mine, because yours will flow from step one to step two to step three ... whereas my explanations weave instructions into story lines :)
Generally, people get it :)
These plans are simplified into three steps for these reasons:
No one has patience to think of more than three steps when we're mad.
The first step presents itself: No problem, no need for plan.
Plan pops up after problem :)
First words are always: We have a problem
Second words are always: What rule was broken?
Third words are always: What is the consequence?
No unpleasant surprises because every mind is on the same page
Honestly, problems disappear into thin air:
I remember when one of my teens said:
God Mom! We have more rules than anyone I know!
My ready response?
What do you think I do?
Lie on couch while you're in school, thinking up new rules to hit you with when you get home?
New rules don't appear until a new problem proves repetitive
That means you hold the magic wand ...
Want a rule to disappear ... make the problem disappear
The magic is in your hands :)
Though my son walked away scratching his head
Our conversation made so much sense to us both
That once again, we were on the same page :)
Believe this voice of experience: It takes much less time and energy to teach a three step plan to a child than wasting everyone's time engaging in a lifetime of power struggles that worsen throughout the day and exacerbate, growing ever more subtle, over the years.
Yes, my friends, Annie had yelled before opening her mind to experimenting with what proves to be, for thousands of families, a much more creative, humane and logical approach to motivating the development of self discipline, all around :)
When embracing logical plans, common sense suggests we face this simple fact of life: Even picnics are in need of a three step plan—Food/drink ... when ... and where. And there's always a need to factor in unexpected changes in climate :)
By and by, stories will continue to pop up in posts where logic, inherent in each three step plan, shows you why raising my boisterous family felt like a picnic with few ants to spoil the feast enjoyed by us all :)
Once again, prim and proper does not equate with self disciplined. One story, sure to appear, describes the spontaneous nature of a free-for-all food fight that broke out one Thanksgiving amongst the adults while the only child in attendance—that being my three year old, great nephew—who, looking deeply perplexed, sat perched upon a kitchen counter next to his mom, until he implored, blue eyes wide with wonder, Uh oh! No one's going to throw food at me ... right????
Guess what I'm trying to say while wrapping up for today is this:
For the most part, right up till today, each of us decides when to tame our wild things and when to let them spring into action ... and on those occasions when one or another or everyone feels too frustrated to remain cool and calm, a second simple plan comes into play to save the day. Name of this plan?
THE LINE OF CONTOL :)
PS I've been writing children's stories in hopes of teaching these plans to parents and tots, all at once. If you're interested in learning more about these whimsical picture books, comment box always hungry :)
Whenever our family needs to solve a problem we use a three step plan.
Since we all rely on this plan, no one needs to get too mad.
If for some reason (exhaustion, hunger, brewing illness) someone can't calm down fast enough to think, listen and talk calmly, we remind each other to take time out. When everyone's ready, here is what we say out loud:
I'm ready to solve problems, now.
When everyone's ready, we make good use of the plan.
Do you understand all of that?
As Aidan knows all about time out, his head shakes up and down.
Next, I turn toward David to ask if he's calm enough to help me explain the plan to his friend. As David nods, yes, I switch back to Aidan.
Aidan, here's how our problem solving plan works—pretty much every time:
As soon as a fight heats up, I stop what I'm doing, walk in and ask: Do you need help solving a problem or will it just go away? Though sometimes a problem seems to disappear as soon as I walk in, usually, the children need my help, so I stay and say: Okay, let's use the plan.
At this point the teacher in me asks Aidan:
Is it okay if David helps me explain the plan to you?
Feeling respected, calm and curious, Aidan nods, yes.
I respond with a smile and a thank you before turning to David, who looks eager to help his friend understand what went wrong:
Step one: state the problem
David, you look like you have a problem; can you tell me what it is?
Yes I can ...
Aidan took off his clothes in the family room, and now we can't go swimming.
Step two: state the rule
David, can you please tell Aidan our family rule?
Yes I can ...
Our rule says clothes cannot be thrown all over our house.
Now that the ball's rolling, it's time to alternate asking the boys questions:
Aidan, are you beginning to understand that David got mad when a rule was broken?
Aidan, still sniffling but looking to be agreeable, offers a confused, little nod ...
While offering a tissue to Aidan, I ask David ...
Do you know why Aidan got mad at you?
Now David looks perplexed, so I smile and explain to my youngest son:
Our family rule is not Aidan's family's rule.
Though David still looks perplexed, he says, Oh.
At this point, it seems wise to focus solely on teaching the plan, so I direct David back to the main topic by asking if he can explain why our family can't swim when clothes are strewn all over the place ...
Yes I can. Looking at Aidan, David says, Mommy gets mad when we leave clothes all over the house. We can't swim till Mommy's happy, again.
Aidan, do you understand that?
Since Aidan has a pool and a mom, who gets angry about the same problem, a bright awareness breaks through dark clouds of confusion, and this little guy's nod is not confused at all :)
David, can you tell Aidan what consequence takes place when this rule is broken?
Yes I can ...
Step three: State the consequence
When clothes are thrown around, no one swims till clothes are put back on and taken off in the right place.
Mommy, beaming, looks proud of David.
She can't wait to grab a notecard and jot this down to relate to her class!
David, smiling in return, looks mighty proud of himself; self esteem is high!
Aidan looks confused, again.
Though Aidan's mind now holds several pieces of the puzzle, the whole picture has not yet come together for him. However his four year old mind feels eager to understand the bigger picture for this reason: A knowledgable, experienced leader has skillfully aligned all three attitudes along such a positive path that every ear is focused toward cooperative learning while teaching is taking place ... Woo hoo! :)
Intuitively encouraged by past success, this self-disciplined parent, teacher, role modeling leader, moves forward:
Aidan, here's why we need to use this plan:
We go swimming several times a day.
I've been teaching everyone to take off their clothes in their bedrooms and put on the same clothes after swimming. As no one listened deeply enough to remember my request, I got tired of being ignored. Being ignored is a problem for me. Each time our family has a problem to solve, we use this three step plan, so everyone knows what the consequence will be—next time. Eventually, everyone who plays at our house solves problems by using our plan.
Now Mommy turns to David: Can you tell Aidan what happens when clothes are left all over?
Yes I can. When clothes are left all over, whoever breaks the rule pays the consequence that matches that rule.
David, can you tell Aidan more?
Yes, I can.
No one can swim until everyone follows the rule.
Much to Annie's delight, she is discovering that four year olds absorb problem-solving savvy while watching everyone in the family putting tools to good use. For example, David's use of the word 'consequence' feels natural to him.
Annie's also devised a way to turn peer pressure into a positive tool, meaning that her children rarely gang up against authority, resentfully. Instead of pulling in their ears rebelliously, they've learned to listen openly to hear what's about to take place, next. In this way does an attitude of one for all and all for one win the day, more readily, year by year :)
As the full wattage of her smile beams at her youngest son, we can picture Annie saying: David, can you tell Aidan why you think he needs to put his clothes back on before we can swim?
Yes I can.
If we do something wrong then we need to do it over, and get it right.
As a teacher of other people's children, I'd decided to employ this technique while teaching my children at home. You know the drill: Misspell words on spelling tests, write each one five times. Get a math problem wrong, do that 'problem' over for the next day. Take off your clothes in the wrong place, put them back on, take off, again, in right place. As this method of logical problem-solving offers solutions at a level that proves basic enough for most ages to comprehend, awareness shines forth as Aidan's eyes light up! :)
If asked why my kids did not stamp their feet and refuse to pay logical consequences, I'd say, think about it: Positively focused discipline techniques inspire minds of all ages toward sidestepping power struggles, which ensue when tension abounds. As logical problem solving does not depend upon a show of force, issues do not escalate, so resistance is minimized. Rather than dangling punishment above small heads, young minds tend toward absorbing problem solving skills, which set the entire group's focus upon seeking viable solutions. Having paid a consequence once, every child understood that they could no longer pick up clothes and carry them to their rooms, because we'd been there, tried that, didn't work, too easy to forget, again and again. In short, bright minds 'got' the logic of correcting mistakes on the spot :)
As I'd wanted problems resolved, once and for all, I conjured up logical consequences that small fry would not want to pay more than once—meaning that the result of misbehavior stuck in their minds without feeling punitive. And when it came to small fry changing behavior after paying a creative consequence once—well, as you shall see in stories down the road—this simple three step sanity saving problem solving plan met with success most of the time :)
In my experience, astute leadership does not depend upon genius but rather generosity of spirit whipped together with dollops of creativity. Since children's minds drip with creativity—a by product of imagination—you may want to dust off your imagination while musing over stories describing solutions, combining positively focused attitudes with creativity and logic :)
Anyhow, now that David is calm and Aidan no longer fears his best bud crazy, I take a moment to offer the boys this short explanation of family rules vs. house rules:
Family rules fit our family to a tee.
For example, bedtimes depend upon age.
House rules go for everyone, including those who come to play.
Example? No jumping on the couch.
Turning to David, I explain: Placing clothes in bedrooms is a family rule, so Aidan does not need to put his clothes back on, today, because he is a guest.
Though this makes sense to me, David thunders up.
That's not fair! That's not fair!
After all, a four year old can only take so much logic in one day. :)
While calming David, I think quietly and say to self:
Hmmm—my first thought's not always my best thought.
Now that the boys have just turned four, Aidan plays here a lot.
And since it's summer, they'll swim more than once, every day.
So, turning to Aidan I express these thoughts aloud and ask if he'll make life easy for all of us by following family rules when he comes to play.
Feeling well respected, Aidan agrees. And as cooperatively as you please, he stands up, slips his tee over his head, pulls up his shorts, runs to David's room, drops his duds on the floor next to his best bud's ... and smiling winningly, we three scamper off to dive into the cool blue of our sun heated pool :)
Hurray for yet another success story on the home front! :)
This story has been related in classes for over thirty years.
From that day on when heated conflicts arose between the boys, I'd encourage David (after asking if time out is necessary to calm him down) to explain to Aidan how the three step plan worked in each particular case.
As to Aidan, upon settling down, he'd listen cooperatively, even avidly, because pretty soon, he'd decided that being accepted as the fourth brother in the Shapp family felt swell.
For more than three decades, this mutually respecting friendship, thriving on trust, has seen two tykes remain pretty much indivisible, not only during pre school, grammar school, high school and after school as team mates in sport after sport but every weekend from Friday till Sunday—through thick and thin. Upon attending colleges on both coasts, their friendship flew through cyberspace across the miles, and when David, feeling deeply honored to be Aidan's best man, got choked up while attempting to make his heartfelt toast, so did the groom. And when both men stood, hugging, tears flowing freely, before an audience of 200, the bride saved the day with: Wow! Can you believe these guys!
All in all, if there's one thing these two learned about lasting friendship it is this: Though friendship is at first based in fun, the main bonds of lasting friendship go by the name of mutual respect and self trust—and it can't hurt to wear a Speedo under a tux, because it's a known fact that most hotels have pools :)
Oft times hands are raised as a class participant says: Annie, I don't have time to offer explanations like this, and anyway, my kids wouldn't sit still long enough to listen. At that, I smile and respond: Of course you have time, and here's why I have faith in your kids learning to listen up, same as mine:
Number one: We teach only when all is calm on both sides.
Number two: Time spent explaining this plan replaces time spent yelling—thus participating in tantrums that go on too long :)
Number three: Each plan is simple, so your explanations will be much shorter than mine, because yours will flow from step one to step two to step three ... whereas my explanations weave instructions into story lines :)
Generally, people get it :)
These plans are simplified into three steps for these reasons:
No one has patience to think of more than three steps when we're mad.
The first step presents itself: No problem, no need for plan.
Plan pops up after problem :)
First words are always: We have a problem
Second words are always: What rule was broken?
Third words are always: What is the consequence?
No unpleasant surprises because every mind is on the same page
Honestly, problems disappear into thin air:
I remember when one of my teens said:
God Mom! We have more rules than anyone I know!
My ready response?
What do you think I do?
Lie on couch while you're in school, thinking up new rules to hit you with when you get home?
New rules don't appear until a new problem proves repetitive
That means you hold the magic wand ...
Want a rule to disappear ... make the problem disappear
The magic is in your hands :)
Though my son walked away scratching his head
Our conversation made so much sense to us both
That once again, we were on the same page :)
Believe this voice of experience: It takes much less time and energy to teach a three step plan to a child than wasting everyone's time engaging in a lifetime of power struggles that worsen throughout the day and exacerbate, growing ever more subtle, over the years.
Yes, my friends, Annie had yelled before opening her mind to experimenting with what proves to be, for thousands of families, a much more creative, humane and logical approach to motivating the development of self discipline, all around :)
When embracing logical plans, common sense suggests we face this simple fact of life: Even picnics are in need of a three step plan—Food/drink ... when ... and where. And there's always a need to factor in unexpected changes in climate :)
By and by, stories will continue to pop up in posts where logic, inherent in each three step plan, shows you why raising my boisterous family felt like a picnic with few ants to spoil the feast enjoyed by us all :)
Once again, prim and proper does not equate with self disciplined. One story, sure to appear, describes the spontaneous nature of a free-for-all food fight that broke out one Thanksgiving amongst the adults while the only child in attendance—that being my three year old, great nephew—who, looking deeply perplexed, sat perched upon a kitchen counter next to his mom, until he implored, blue eyes wide with wonder, Uh oh! No one's going to throw food at me ... right????
Guess what I'm trying to say while wrapping up for today is this:
For the most part, right up till today, each of us decides when to tame our wild things and when to let them spring into action ... and on those occasions when one or another or everyone feels too frustrated to remain cool and calm, a second simple plan comes into play to save the day. Name of this plan?
THE LINE OF CONTOL :)
PS I've been writing children's stories in hopes of teaching these plans to parents and tots, all at once. If you're interested in learning more about these whimsical picture books, comment box always hungry :)
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