MY DARKEST FEARS EMERGE

 Years ago, when I’d begun to post to this blog, I’d felt need to write anonymously in order to reveal my innermost thoughts honestly.  Recently, my need to cloak my identity within an alias seems to be lessening.  Perhaps that’s because my sense of self respect has experienced sound reason to strengthen, over time.  At any rate, here’s what my power of intuitive thought is guiding me to reveal to myself concerning my darkest fears, today.

While Will and I were making our bed, I realized that suppressed emotion was about to overwhelm me, so I motioned for my husband to sit down beside me at the foot of our bed, and once I felt safely cradled in his arms, I said:  Will, I’m terrified.

With that, Will’s arms tightened their protective hold around me, and as my head relaxed on his shoulder, I felt so safe within his embrace that roiling emotions shuddering throughout my body began to release knots of tension, freeing my mind to remind me to breathe as deeply as possible in hopes of maintaining my sense of self control.

Annie, what are you terrified of?  Another tumor?  More chemo?

Having replied yes to both, I heard this fear leap through the air and hover between us —I don’t want to leave everyone.  I don’t want to die.

Annie, of course you’re afraid.  We all are.  But the future remains unknown.  And we can’t allow fear to invade the joys that are ours for the taking as we plan to spend time with everyone we love.

Will, I’m trying to regain my positive focus, but my thoughts keep returning to chemo and surgeries and the fact that the cancer has metastasized.  I remind myself to feel grateful for having very little pain.  And I’m relieved to know that last week’s chest CT was cancer free.  But fear looms larger than all of the reassurances that I offer myself in hopes of lessening inner tension by refocusing my thoughts toward enjoying everyone I love, but no matter how much I want to overcome my need to cocoon with a series of novels that shield my mind from conjuring thoughts too fearsome to consciously contemplate, those thoughts continue to emerge, scaring me half to death.

So where, I ask, is the sense of balance that I crave?

With that question hanging in the air, my intuitive voice whispers in my ear—now that you’ve openly confronted your deepest fears, let’s hope your sense of balance (between fear and courage) will ready itself to emerge …

👩🏻Annie.