BOOK ONE—END FIRST KISS PART 9: MEET MY THINK TANK

The fact that I'd been a leader (a big wheel) for six years at my old school made me feel like the hub of my class—meaning that I’d unknowingly perceived of my friends as spokes, who’d shone the beam of our social spotlight directly at me.  Since perception shapes each person’s sense of reality, reflection suggests that I'd unconsciously assumed the spotlight would move wherever I did.

As soon as I'd sensed which of two guys in my new school was the Leader of the Pack and which one seemed like a ‘nice’ bright boy, I had no doubt as to who was meant for me.  Not the one whose hair was parted ‘straight on the right’ but rather the one whose blond waves were slicked back and styled with swagger, like Elvis (whose blatant sensuality was soon to sweep the female preteen population off its feet by ripping society’s modest constraints away.

From sea to shining sea, the weaker (?) sex would be seen screaming and swooning despite the fact (?) that Ed Sullivan’s T.V. cameras refused to show Elvis’ smokin' hips gyrating up and down during The King’s first, electrifying, nationwide performance.  (Whoa—I need to catch my breath!)

By the way, at twelve years of age, naïve, prepubescent, little me never caught so much as a whiff of smolder in Elvis’s actions.  In fact, the first time I saw The King of Rock singing, strumming and swiveling suggestively, I burst out laughing and summoned my parents into the den to see this guy who looked so silly that I figured him to be an up and coming comedian and—that’s the truth!

Sometime later—I’d watched a new friend (one of the first in our class to fill out her sweater) close her eyes while swaying in a trancelike state to the slow seductive beat of Love Me Tender.  And what did I think when she burst into tears and dropped to her knees?  I thought she was really weird—so utterly beyond my comprehension was the fact that, just beyond my wall of denial, youthful sensuality was budding all around me.

There’s no doubt that when it came to any hint of sexuality, my think tank remained engulfed within a self protective smoke screen so thick that I couldn’t see past the fog inside my head.  On the other hand, when it came to The Leader of the Pack, I didn’t think, at all.  All I did was feel—because—

All Mr. Cool had to do to plug me into a tremulous trance was—walk into the room.  For some ‘strange’ reason, I never equated my reaction to Joseph with my friend’s reaction to Elvis.  When it came to animal attraction—I didn't relate my natural instincts with that of animals, because I was—a person.

With time spent in reflection, this is what I've come to understand:  Any brain within the animal kingdom that harbors the innate potential to call forth a sixth sense will draw us toward certain awarenesses while blocking out others.  So just as I was ‘innocent’ of understanding the true nature of animal magnetism, which had drawn my spirit toward Joseph's on my first day at my new school, I was unaware of basic instincts associated with the 'dark side' of human nature.  And thus did I feel as carefree as a lark until lightening struck this bird mid flight.

If that’s the bad news, then let’s check out the good: I was a high-spirited child with a hearty sense of social self confidence until my eleventh year.  And as we glide, back and forth, across the timeline of my life, you'll watch my cock-eyed optimistic attitude play dodge ball with subconscious fears (which Mother Nature thought it best to repress when tragedy struck my family, repeatedly).  Though my personality development swerved off of the beaten track at the age of three, thankfully, I am a human being, which offers me this advantage over the lower animal kingdom:  In addition to depending upon basic survival instincts to fight, flee or freeze whenever danger draws near, I can also rely upon my Neo cortex to multi task in this way:  My think tank has the expansive capacity to soak in a wealth of knowledge concerning the importance of gathering lost puzzle pieces whenever I feel an intuitive need to work courageously at diving through each next layer of the self-protective smokescreen that blinds my conscious awareness from identifying my subconscious fears, and in this way do I re-organize the bigger picture of my life until my insight-laden, thought-processor is clearly operating 'up to snuff'.  (whatever that means?)

Once I grow up and consciously seek to heighten my problem-solving skills, you'll witness my Neo cortex formulating creative ideas, which, upon straightening out periods fraught with confusion, will strengthen my personal sense of well being.  And thus will my spirit's sense of vim, vigor, vitality, and FUN be restored each time some aspect of life storms down on my parade.

In addition to relying upon my trusty think tank to take a licking and go on ticking, I'll not forget my good fortune at having been raised by a pair of loving parents who'd injected their strong sense of family values into the pathways of my mind.  So in addition to unconsciously acquiring my primary role models’ daily habits, my think tank consciously collected an album of snapshots, highlighting the importance of love, friendship, adventure, fun, good health, emotional support, and—education—which took place in schools that provided well-funded learning environments in which bright, young teachers motivated children, who were eager to learn.

During my youth, a child’s imagination was free to develop while playing the day away.  Rather than being carpooled from one structured 'practice' to another, I'd inhaled countless hours of independence along with sunshine and fresh air while riding my bike toward wherever my friends and I had chosen to play.  And so it was that after school and on weekends, my mind soaked in playful attitudes; my spirit absorbed hours of imaginative play; and in order to enjoy an active lifestyle, throughout the day, my body was energized by home cooked meals, which I'd most certainly enjoyed.  Bottom line, if the combination of home and school make up the most significant aspects of a child’s development then reflection suggests that, bullied or not, each time I caught my reflection in my mirror, the pair of lively blue eyes staring back at me belonged to one of the luckiest kids I'd ever met.

Another spotlight of good fortune highlights the fact that I’d no clue of having become too round until after we’d moved.  Even so, the lump sum of all of those positively focused facts doth not trump two interrelated truths that I've saved for last:  Life is unpredictable.  And so is love.  Why?  Because both are fraught with conflict, which proves stressful.

If life and love are unpredictable and fraught with conflict then people of all ages would be wise to make attitudinal adjustments so as to live together within peaceful environments.  And adjustments made peaceably during times of conflict call for astute problem solving skills, all around.

Therefore:
The earlier we soak up knowledge concerning the *Power of Potentiality within the Neo cortex, the better for all concerned. (On the other hand, better late than never!)

If the Neo cortex serves as a storehouse for experiences, knowledge, and insights (all of which heighten self-awareness) then the earlier we soak up listening, speaking, and problem solving skills the better equipped we’ll be to adjust our attitudes toward accepting the element of unpredictability.  *By the way, as problem-solving skills soak into our minds, success breeds self confidence, which, in turn, decreases our need to call defense mechanisms (like denial, drugs and alcohol) into play.

As you may remember, self confidence had been my strong suit until my self image had been wounded by bullying, which took place AFTER I was introduced to my new class.  So upon meeting my new classmates, I'd no reason to fear that these kids might not choose to pair up with me.

As it's always been my nature to throw my whole self into every aspect of life, I don’t dive into anything half way.  And as my heightened sense of enjoyment included ‘seconds’ at dinner as well as ice cream, cookies and good humor—I was seen dashing outside with money in hand all ready to trade coins for chocolate coated treasures before the bell on the Good Humor truck rang its way past our street.  No one ever had to say, "Annie, children in Europe are starving—clean your plate".

When growth spurts became timely, some kids shot up while prepubescent changes within others seemed stuck in a rut for quite a while.  Some of us seemed to grow too tall and gawky—till small fry caught up.  Just as some girls grew 'too' busty, too early, there were boys in our class who were too hairy.  In short, those early birds caught as much teasing as had I with this caveat—age appropriate teasing and mean minded bullying part ways.

After my rough patch on that van, my mental awareness concerning growth spurts got stuck in a rut so deep that all I could see was the fact that skirts and shorts were looking much better on certain girls than was true whenever my reflection stared back at me. 

So even if I’d understood the nature of animal attraction, nothing in this world could have made me believe that physical magnetism might draw Joseph toward me during the months that had followed my debasement in that van.  On the other hand, while making sense of yesteryear’s confusion, today, it's highly possible that during those months when we’d walked our dogs down one alley and up the next, I may have been blind to a growth spurt of my own whereas Joseph was not …  In truth, I can't see my way clear to stating that possibility as a fact, because over most of my life, my brain clearly needed glasses other than those dark lenses with which I'd peered at myself.

BOOK ONE—END FIRST KISS PART 8: A WALKING TALKING CONTRADICTION OF REALITY (107)

Once my sense of centeredness tipped, what might we expect to happen?

Rather than seeing myself as I am, I'll see only that which I believe to be true.

If my self image remains rooted in what had shaped up at an earlier age then I'll not recognize changes for the better taking place, right before my eyes.  And as long as my self-image remains stuck in the past, certain aspects of my current life will confound me to say the least.  In short, I'll walk further and further into a maze where my mental block will blind me from seeing doors, windows and safety nets offering me freedom from confusion, inner conflict and self inflicted pain.

When self-image does not match reality, we see ourselves as though peering into a fun house mirror.  And as long as my self image unknowingly hangs on to what had shaped up in the past, every attempt to provide me with a newly improved vision of myself will confuse me even more—because La La Land may be the only place where I'll feel safe—safe from what?  Safe from yesteryear’s most painful truths, which my defense system had anesthetized and buried, subconsciously, each time I sat down inside that van.

At times, denial minimizes pain.  At times, denial exacerbates pain in this way:  If we can’t see ourselves as we are, today, then we may also be blind to those times when repressed fear flings pain at those we love.

You see, we can't be ‘true’ to those we love until we've learned to be true to ourselves, through and through—and …

We can’t be true to ourselves until we know ourselves in depth.
And
We can't know ourselves in depth until we've identified repressed fears

and

If we can't muster the courage to know the sum of our parts

Then this mind twister makes me ask:

What deeper truths do we need to identify that are secreted inside?

Only the Shadow (mind) knows for sure.

Today, when I feel dispirited, I no longer sit others in the hot seat, pointing fingers of blame while pining for days gone by.  The days of asking:  Why me?  Are long gone.  Instead, I consider the duplicitous state of human nature and question the unpredictability of life.  And with those changes in my attitude, I wonder which of my perceptions are still as half-baked, today, as when I was an inexperienced child.  And time after time, I find that it’s no easier to be a person at any stage of life than it is for Kermit to be green. 

With today’s train of thought in the forefront of our minds, let's walk into the cloak room of my sixth grade class and watch Joseph stuffing a newly laundered hat into his coat sleeve right before hanging his jacket on a hook.  Annie has just entered the cloakroom, as well, and while removing her jacket and hanging it next to his, she smiles at the back of Joseph's head and says hi.  At this point, before exposing what’s about to happen once Joseph turns and sees Annie, I’d like to invite you to ride sidekick in my time machine.  Why?  Because once this moment in time is frozen in place, we can collect a few more pieces of the most puzzling aspects of my personality, which will help us to assemble the bigger picture of my life’s story—so please buckle up, because once I throw the gear shift into reverse, we'll jet straight back in time—

Beginning in kindergarten and through fifth grade, I attended a large city school, which is why my first view of the building that housed my small suburban school came as quite a surprise.  In fact, as my mom, sister, and I approached this little red school house, I felt like Laura in THE LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE, because here is what met my eyes:  I saw a proverbial, square shaped, red brick structure with four classrooms on the first floor and four on the second.  Each classroom housed grades one through eight, the kindergarten being in the basement.

Whereas certain details are of no consequence to a story, the exclusion of pertinent details can twist a tale (or a person’s most admirable traits) completely out of wack.  The school was small, because the suburb we’d moved to was in its infancy.

In fact, if I direct your attention four blocks west of my new school, we’ll see the corner lot where my father had built his dream house.  Now if we look to the south, we’ll see houses under construction on both sides of our street.  Then if I ask you to look one block to the north of our house, you’ll see a lonely, three-story, brown, brick apartment building, standing all alone.  However before too long, this structure, housing three families, will be surrounded by new homes on every side, causing the apartment building, which been there first, to seem out of place.  I brought that detail to your attention for this reason:  As soon as Joseph takes a step toward me in my classroom’s cloak room, the morning after our FIRST KISS, I am going to feel as ‘out of place’, as had been true while riding in THAT VAN.

Generally speaking, it’s easy to forget that every living thing remains in a constant state of change. Since people are living things, that means you and I are constantly undergoing the process of change, as well—in some ways for the better in other ways for the worse.  So, if the only constant in life is change, then people who say they can’t change (with the times) must be sadly mistaken, because, in truth, nothing that lives stays the same, very long.

It’s also true that working toward making positive changes or not working toward making positive changes is a personal choice, and if all living things exist in a complex state of flux then common sense suggests that every person is shrinking back from some aspect of life while expanding forth in another.  And in most cases, shrinking back is based in fear.  In short, a fearful mindset is one that’s afraid to work toward accepting a difficult change.  And if fear fastens blinders over one person's eyes so as to believe that a negative change is not taking place while another person turns away with an angry expression on his/her face, life tends to get crazier from moment to moment—unless a misunderstanding is straightened out.

While leafing through old albums, my eyes land on photos of me in fifth grade and sixth grade, and it becomes clear that I was unable to see changes, taking place as one stage of my life moved toward the next—just as I’m uncertain of the ways in which I change, day in and day out, today.  In fact, whenever my mom and I looked back at my fifth grade photos,  I laughed, because Mom's head always shook in disbelief as she said, “But, Annie—you never looked like that.”  My response was always the same.  I’d smile, hold her close and say, “Mom, love is as blind as denial.”

On my first day in the little red schoolhouse in March of 1955, I walked into that fifth grade class without a hint of fear about being the new kid on the block.  After all, I enjoyed people, and people enjoyed me.  And having not yet tasted the bitter, ostracizing power of any social clique, my social standing in the world felt secure.  So there was no rhyme or reason to surmise that changing schools would rock ‘my world’.

Reflection suggests that my eyes sparkled with adventure when my new teacher introduced me to the class. If a self-conscious blush colored my cheeks when I left her side and walked down the row leading toward my new desk that was because every pair of eyes in the room had remained glued to me till I sat down.

This is what my classmates saw upon giving me the once over, from head to toe:  Smiling blue eyes and long, thick, dark hair, held back by a headband (or pulled up into a pony tail, which would have swung spunkily, back and forth, as I made my way to my desk).  I proudly wore a brand new, white, long sleeved sailor ‘over’ blouse with a navy tie and a long string of flapper-like ‘pearls’—because pop beads had been all the rage.  I'd also chosen a navy pleated skirt and white bobby socks, which had been rolled down twice to make a cuff before they disappeared into my fashionably scuffed, black and white, saddle shoes—indicating my being—cool.

As to the one physical detail to which I’d remained mercifully unaware until I’ll have entered that van, later in the day—suffice to say that had my new teacher assigned me the task of drawing myself, she might have thought I’d never seen myself in a full length mirror.  Upon taking my seat, that morning, I'd no bones to pick with myself.  However, that does not mean I'd had no skeletons lurking inside the closet of my mind.         

(Now that I’ve entered this fourth stage of my life (What? Impossible!), I wonder what surprises fate may have in store for me, next.  I say that because during the first three stages, life's surprises never ceased to blow my mind!)

Once my teacher recaptured the attention of the class, it was my turn to do the checking out, and as luck would have it, Mom and Dad must have timed our move just right.  Why?  Because the boys in my class were still more interested in snails and puppy dog tails than in girls.  That meant I’d have time to connect with the high-spirited, self-confident kids before ‘the popular pre-teen clique’ had been defined.  Needless to say, I didn’t consciously figure that out.  I just sensed that I’d fit in just fine.

As soon as my belongings were stored neatly inside my desk, curiosity,  filling my mind, directed my eyes to rove around the room until I spied two guys, each cute enough to rate a second look.  Both were tall, lanky, blue-eyed blonds—one thin, one wiry with mischievous energy to spare.

As I’d chosen and won the attentions of my first boyfriend, Gregory, who’d been left behind at my old school, my mindset assumed to do the choosing, again.  And if that doesn’t describe the egocentric nature of 
a child’s self-confidence—based in too little experience—then I don’t know what does.  On the other hand, Joseph, the one whose eyes twinkled mischievously, will invite Annie to that first couples' party and even more amazing than that—he'll kiss her ... so—

If we assume to know what will take place after any major change occurs then we are asking to be shocked—especially if one person sees a change taking place while another has no clue that change has been on the march, all the while.  As each of my stories continues to unfold, you'll get a bird’s eye view of the domino effect that takes place when an innocent mind remains lost inside a hazy maze for decades to come, suggesting why much of what Annie is about to 'see' and 'think' will prove to be a walking-talking contradiction of—reality—based in the fact that much of what she perceives as true and that which is true will not match.

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BOOK ONE—END FIRST KISS Part 7: ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

As my first FIRST KISS ended in disaster, let’s

Watch this story continue to unfold so
We can reflect over judgments based in facts vs

Assumptive judgments based in insecure beliefs, which

I'd acquired about myself on the van where

Time after time after time after time
Humiliation had burned up

My self confidence with guys ...

If
Insecurity
Gives rise to
Negatively focused attitudes
And
If Attitude
Is Everything
Then

As my side of our story

Continues to unfold

We’ll see how quickly

Subconscious negativity
Gives rise to anxiety, which

Will shoot me
In the head—

Repeatedly

BTW
ENT
Can’t see me till August; however, my internist, who
Fit me in, today, prescribed a Z-Pak, which should do
The trick if a bacterial sinus infection, based in
On-going congestion, proves to be the culprit causing
My head to ache—as to the ENT appointment, it’s on
My August calendar—just covering all my bases ...

‘WHAT IF?’ IS AN IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF

What if, in addition to everything I’ve written concerning
Headaches, sinus congestion is thrown into the mix?

Seriously, if the human brain is such a highly complex
Machine then all headaches are not related to emotional tension

So—what if, while solving this Dilemma, we choose to circle
A, B or C when the correct answer is all of the above—or D

A Dilemma, partially solved, remains problematic until
The bigger picture has been completely pieced together

And since my first thought is not always my best thought
Brainstorming objectively with myself can be vital to peace of mind

Today, my nasal congestion is so profuse as to remind me of
Long ago when I had been plagued with sinus headaches, sooo

Here’s what I forgot to consider while concentrating
My attention solely upon emotional tension based in inner conflict:

I forgot to reflect back upon physical problems other than tumors, which
Cause headaches to pound as persistently as tom toms ...

In fact, several years back, I experienced sinus inflammation that
Would not quit—and ‘what if’ that proves true, again?

And so, upon second thought—
Get thyself to an ENT ASAP makes sense to me ...

FREEDOM FROM INNER CONFLICT IS WON ONE INSIGHT AT A TIME

Generally speaking, I look forward to spending
Independence Day at our family retreat, up north
However that was not the case, this year, as
I experienced a personal yearning for
Independence based in the fact that
During the three weeks preceding
The Fourth of July, Steven and Ravi came to stay with
Us while their home was being cleared of mold, which
As you may remember, had been discovered after their
Hot water heater flooded the master bedroom, closet
And bathroom, requiring wooden floors to be torn up
Walls to be torn down—plaster dust swirling, all around— ...

While Ravi enjoyed the cool mountain air along
With her parents at our family’s cabin over
The extended holiday weekend, I, who adore
Play dates with my four year old grand daughter
Elected, along with Will, to enjoy five days of
Peaceful normalcy at home, thus offering
My brain quiet time in which to switch tracks from
Role playing conflicts arising naturally amongst
Mufasa, Simba and Uncle Scar toward sweeping
My mind back in time to that moment in the alley where
Joseph’s kiss had shocked twelve year old me
Senseless ... however, the fact that I’d found myself unable to
Make that switch from now to then as seamlessly as
I’d planned suggests my need to clear the air of
Any foggy mystery concerning the one aspect of
Brain function that insight on the part of
The neuropsychologist spotlighted as
Dysfunctional and therefore, in need of
Subconscious identification for years—namely
My sleep pattern, which has long been in need of
Personal re-adjustment though my defense system had
Bamboozled the conscious portion of my brain into
Believing that the wakeful nature of
My sleep cycles had been ‘Hakuna Matata’ until
Deeper truth, filtering through my wall of denial, opened
My eyes to this reality:  Though I’d slept at least
Eight hours, each night, the emergence of
A deeply repressed inner conflict concerning
The Fixer, whom the conscious portion of
My mind had misperceived as retired, interrupted
My need to remain asleep for more than two or
Three hours at a time—so, I’d sleep, awaken, write, repeat

HA!  Silly me!

Evidently, The Fixer has been quite active, 24/7, creating
Mayhem within my subconscious, and thus do we pinpoint
The primary reason why my think tank, feeling
Deeply worried, over taxed and wearied with
Repressing frustration, could not call forth my power of
Intuitive thought to calmly remain
Focused on storytelling as originally planned or even
Release today’s insight-driven train of thought until
My over-stimulated brain (in serious need of
Down time to relax) could reset itself so as to
Function so peaceably as to focus clearly and thus
Efficiently upon spotlighting this fact:
My processor has remained in need of rest for years as
‘Stated’ by the tension-stretched tom tom
Pounding away at my repressed need to relax and release
Stress-based frustration layering up ever more
Intensely inside my aching head

So what changed for the better once insight
Spotlighted My Fixer struggling to be free of
Subconscious lockdown?  Nothing other than
My foggy attitude of frustration, repressed so deeply within
My think tank that the only conscious hint of
Its mega presence has been the Tom Tom banging away
At my wall of denial, over these past few months
And being that my mind has felt too wearied to clarify
The main root of these headaches, my power of intuition
Could not muster the mental energy necessary to decipher
The smoke signals, which continued to offer me
Sound reason to reconsider my need to
Re-adjust my parental role in my sons’ lives, today, so that
My perception of my current role actually matches
My sons’s perception of my supporting role, suggesting
My need to peacefully re-adjust my vision toward
Being a supportive character rather than ‘seeing’ myself as
One of the leads on center stage now that three young
Adults have morphed into middle aged men—OMG—
How in tarnation did my trio of sons spin so quickly through
Stage one and stage two so as to land with both feet on
Center stage three, spotlighting the fact that
My age is just a number until the ages of my offspring
Reflect upon my entrance onto center stage four, which
Literally feels like a painful kick in the head—
So—if knowledge-is-power then why are thension headaches still
Pounding away at my frontal lobe like tom-toms on the warpath?
Because my brain, aching within denial’s throes of
Repressed inner conflict concerning my current role in life
Has long felt need to relax, layer by layer, just like
A strained muscle that rarely gets a chance to
Untense—How do I know that to be true of
My current state of mind? Well, that was the ‘finding’ of
The neuropsychologist once we’d discussed
The dysfunctional nature of my sleep pattern after
She’d scored my battery of tests as being superlative in
Every area of brain functionality, and here’s
What was determined, which makes so much sense that
I’ve taken steps to readjust my habitual sleep patterns, which
Are newly recognized as having been in need of
Change for the better ever since The Fixer became
So stealthy as to be in cahoots with the gerbil, who
Runs on a subconscious wheel, getting nowhere
Fast while I’d believed my whole self asleep for
At least eight hours—though not straight through
The night while my deeply vexed (not at all
Relaxed) Fixer awakens my think tank to write for
At least an hour in the dark, sometimes more than
Once a night, suggesting that
My processor remains over-stimulated when
The rest of me falls fitfully back to sleep ...

So—with the neuropsychologist’s professional
Reasoning in hand, I’ve seriously considered and
Accepted the validity of her suggestion that
Even while I’m sleeping my brain will continue to
Remain overstimulated rather than relaxed as long as
My processor’s deeply taxed solution seeking
‘Modus Operando’ works toward solving
Conflicts that prove to be so complex as to remain
Beyond my control to resolve, being that
The primary root of my problem concerns
Family matters The persist outside of
My household, suggesting my need to remind
Myself that my trio of sons has been cooperatively
Absorbing and utilizing communication skills for over
Forty years, and as each one openly invites me to
Be a supportive player on his life’s stage, my continued
Good health at this late stage of my life depends upon
Calming my subconscious level of frustration by
Refocusing my think tank toward taking better
Mental care of myself especially since I know
My sons to be equipped with many more life skills than
Had been true of me when I was their age

And now, let’s address my frustration bursting at
Its seams, marinating in the briny possibility of
trump’s re-election each time this next harsh reality
Comes to mind—Millions of voters harbor
Fearful, negatively focused, prejudicial, egocentric,
Closed mindedness that narrows their viewpoints, which
Prove to be as morally corrupt and unethically
Power hungry as is true of our (shudder) current POTUS ...

Sooo, if at 75, I know my current energy levels to
Be waining and if I can do little more than
Cast my vote for pretty much any candidate who
Opposes trump’s egomaniacal mentality while
Subtly guiding my grown sons toward clarifying
How best to create change for the better in
A similar manner to the calm and loving
Step by step fashion that has proved true of
My personal ‘create your own life adventure’ then
Other than penning this memoir filled with
Life’s classic insights during daylight hours whenever
I feel free to write, my continued good health will
Depend upon sleeping soundly through the night
(Brief bathroom breaks being the exception)
Rather than interrupting my deep sleep
Rem cycles (at which time the whole of
Our brains relax) each time I awaken with
A compelling need to pick up my iPad and
Release a subconscious train of thought that
Focuses solely upon the betterment of posterity=—
Sooo, having refocused, most often now, upon
Relaxing my mind of inner tension, I’ve been
Enjoying weekly massages and am listening to
Spa music (on low) from time to time, throughout
The day as well as at bedtime at which time
I’m actually looking forward to feeling
Peaceful—no iPad allowed except for
The music, which being on a timer, lulls me to sleep

As to awakening in the still of the night
A low wattage book light and magazine prove
Much less stimulating than the iPad’s blue light, and
Being that I’ve slept straight through to sunrise during
These past few nights, I’m arising Bright and early feeling
Eagerly reinvigorated to greet each new day with a smile

In case you wonder why my EEG showed
A shadowy abnormality secreted within
My grey matter, my follow up appointment with
The neurologist, who ordered the blood test, MRI and
Battery of functional neurological tests, has
Yet to be recorded on my calendar; however
Now that an early stage of dementia or
Possibility of tumor has been ruled out
I can await a call from his office to set up that
Appointment with a sense of patient curiosity being that
Those worries (which had also contributed to
Interruptions of my rem sleep cycles) have resolved

As for now, I continue to feel self motivated to do
My best while working toward changing
Less than healthy sleep patterns, such as
Reaching for my iPad and staring into the blue light
While writing away during the night—no more
Fooling myself into believing
My Fixer to be retired when deeper truth
Suggests that she’s been hiding out, running
On that subconscious wheel, night after night, all along
And as changing unhealthy habits is far from easy
I have my work cut out for me since relaxing
A Fixer proves more challenging than
My first thought had perceived—on a positive note
Thank goodness, this work is within
My personal realm of control ...

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ANIMAL INSTINCTS THAT INTERFERES WITH INTUITION?

What is it about ANIMAL instincts that narrows our mind’s eyes to focus fearfully?  Negatively ... Egocentrically ... suspiciously—thus, mean-mindedly—all too often?  ANIMALS rely solely on instinctive behaviors for survival, because their brains are not equipped with the capacity to process solution-seeking thoughts.  As is true of all animals, human brains house survival instincts, which are fully functional at birth.  So what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom?  Mother Nature has blessed human brain development with a neo Cortex that has the potential to absorb and store logic.  So, right about now if you want to say—Annie, there’s nothing new about that—then I’d reply:  Well, if the human brain’s potential to absorb and store logic is common knowledge then can you tell me why we still have mega problems communicating with clarity (and compassion) intact when conflicts arise?

The answer to why problems tend to grow ever more complex when conflict resolution proves necessary is based in our brain stems where pre-programming left over from prehistoric times when man, encountering beasts in the wild, had to fight to the finish on the spot or flee for his life—no time to think objectively or kindly as to how man and beast could both survive much less thrive, side by side.  Currently, animal instincts, which had originally saved us from facing sudden death, now run interference with our well being in this way—

As soon as we feel personally threatened, the instinctive portion of our brains (where fear-ridden, quick-to-anger reactiveness is aroused) floods our bloodstream with a copious release of adrenaline that overwhelms the intuitive, solution-seeking thought processing portion of our minds.  In short, the startle reflex, which is fully functional at birth and therefore naturally reactive within our brain stems, stimulates basic animal instincts to arise and switch tracks away from negotiating our way through logic based, thought processing skills toward enervating the whole of our brain’s concentration upon empowering an attitude of authoritarian survival of the fittest to challenge anyone who opposes our personal needs to do our bidding or ‘die’ trying to defeat us, which answers why—

S.S. officers could bounce their babies on their knees and kiss their wives before leaving home to robotically follow absolute authority's orders to heartlessly tear apart and brutalize families, every day  (sound familiar?)

As to neighbors who chose to rifle through the captives' apartments so as to steal their ‘friends’ belongings rather than muster the courage to hide a child marked for death—well, basic survival instincts combined with fear of authority’s absolute powers concerning life and death is more than likely to make victimized villains rather than heroic underground leaders of us all, and that’s most especially true when we remain ignorant of the multifunctional, compartmentalized nature of the brain that operates our thinking patterns, which are absorbed unconsciously during childhood.

Just as hitler brainwashed Germany’s youth, today’s gang leaders instinctively frighten America’s disgruntled youth into a state of brainwashed submission.  And currently, trump’s hard hearted, egocentric, white supremest tactics are rallying millions of troops by exacerbating fear of minorities, today, while The Senate of The United States of America huddles fearfully together, eyes closed to the herding instinct that breeds fear of standing on one’s own to clearly declare The Emperor a fool. 

Is it not enough to know that man/kind must overcome natural disasters?

I do not believe in concentrating my energy upon the negative
On the other hand, if mankind is to truly develop
An intuitive sense of positive focus then we must grow aware of
Specific facts, which lead toward manmade disasters:

Human nature
(Making up a highly significant part of the animal kingdom)
Remains naturally bent toward fear concerning
Dominance of the survival of the fittest

And as fear
Is naturally bent
Toward
Narrow minded negativity then

It is
Imperative to consciously work
Toward developing positively focused
Attitudes, sooner rather than later

Whereas
Fearful attitudes
Succumb to mean-mindedness
Repeatedly ...

Positive attitudes
Overcome fear
Which otherwise creates
Feuding families, neighborhood gangs, international wars

As most of today’s train of thought was originally published

Several years back, below you'll find

A list of articles, which had appeared on the first six pages
Of a newspaper read in 2011 

Natural disasters:
Europe:  E. coli is a deadly super bug
Arizona:  Hundreds flee as forrest fires rage on
Joplin:  Death toll from Joplin tornado
South Dakota:  Residents evacuate ahead of dam's water release
Wales:  Blast at Chevron refinery
Oxfam: Cholera surges again in Haitian capital
Saskatchewan:  Military airlifts residents as fire grows
Philly:  Storm-water effort aims at major pollution curbs
Massachusetts:  Killer tornado storms
U.S.A.:  2011 deadliest year for tornadoes since 1950
(And hurricane season is yet to begin ...)


Man made disasters:
Brazil:  Amazon activist is slain in area of logging
San Francisco:  Auction referencing Unabomber ...
Washington:  Air force discharges openly gay service member
Mexico:  Remains of U.S. soldiers of 1846 found
Pakistan:  72 die in border fight

Libya:  Woman gang raped by Gaddafi's troops

Syria:  15 people died in sixth day of sustained governmental attacks
Yemen:  Thousands threaten capital as country deepens battle for power
Iraq:  Kurdish leaders beat protesters to stop demonstrations for reform
Morocco:  Wounds and death result during pro-reform demonstration
California: Abducted woman’s 18 years of stun gun attacks, brutal rapes
Chicago:  Trial Of Blagojevich—concerning Obama's vacated Senate seat
Washington:  FBI investigates computer hackers in China
New Jersey:  Gov. Christie’s personal use of police helicopter
South Korea:  U.S. buried Agent Orange, ground penetrating radar
Tucson:  Follow up article concerning shooting rampage killing six, one of whom was a child, and injuring 13, including U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords
U.S.A.:  NATO led operation against Libya in case rescue of American Service members is necessary

I shudder to think of how many family members shoot, back stab and abuse each other—if not physically then in subtle (and not so subtle) ways, every day.

If
NATURAL DISASTERS AND MAN-MADE DISASTERS
TAKE PLACE BECAUSE
MOTHER NATURE HAS TWO SIDES THEN

IT MAKES SENSE TO BELIEVE THAT

UPON GAINING INSIGHT INTO

BOTH SIDES OF OUR MULTIFUNCTIONAL BRAINS

WE'LL HAVE SOUND REASON TO
MUSTER THE COURAGE

TO IDENTIFY AND GAIN CONTROL OVER

OUR OWN FEAR BASED, NARROW-MINDED
THOUGHT PATTERNS, WHICH

LEAD GOOD PEOPLE EVER MORE DEEPLY INTO

THE DARK SIDE WHERE

ANGER INTENSIFIES ADVERSITY

PROPELLING MANMADE DISASTERS

TO RUN FEARSOMELY WILD

I MEAN—
SERIOUSLY—
HOW MUCH LONGER
WILL WE RELEASE
THE FEARFUL SIDE

OF OUR BRAINS
TO USURP CONTROL OVER

OUR SENSE OF INTUITIVE LOGIC?

IN FACT—IF
“Reading is to the mind what excercising is to the body.”
            —Joseph Addison
THEN
IGNORANCE

IS
NOT
BLISS

WHEREAS ANIMAL INSTINCT BREEDS WAR
POSITIVELY FOCUSED SOLUTION-SEEKING TOOLS
PEN PEACE TREATIES EMPOWERED TO LAST BY
CONSIDERING NEEDS ON BOTH SIDES