Pray tell: Do you know where this domino effect, which continued to frazzle my self worth until recent years (when I was diagnosed with PTSD) got its start?
If you think my self worth was first shattered by the bully on the Hebrew school bus, please think again, because thus far, we’ve only collected a few pieces of the puzzle, which will create the bigger picture that escaped my self awareness for decades for this reason: The most terrifying pieces of my personal history (which my storyteller has yet to reveal and reassemble) had been shifted, during early childhood, by my self protective defense system from conscious memory into the unfathomable depths of my subconscious where those jagged remnants of my past remained so dauntingly haunting as to pierce my processor’s connection to clarity with bouts of insecurity over most of my life. And with that added factor do we clearly come to see that the domino effect concerning my having repressed a negatively focused attitude about my self worth had been launched years before my shattered friendship with Joseph had confounded the conscious portion of my mind (and my heart) until one day in the distant future when intuition bade me sit down to write our story at which time the insight-ladened portion of my memory had readily released the beating that I gave him in return for his kiss, and with the release of that memory did my subconscious open the door, behind which, additional memories were released that made sense of everything that had continued to confound us both during the next two years of junior high at which time Joseph and I continued to circle each other without ever making contact, again, because denial, on my part, had imprisoned my processor within a self degrading place so dark that it was impossible for my frightened brain to see my way toward peaceably piecing all of the facts sensibly together, suggesting why I continued to think that Joseph had ruined my junior high social life until (while writing our story, four decades later) one forgotten detail popped out on my computer screen, and once that first detail escaped from subconscious repression, the door, which had unlocked one of several storage compartments deep within my memory, sprung open, releasing a barrage of answers to questions that had befuddled my intelligence for over forty years ... Geez!
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